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Friend Got Cheated, Heartbroken Now

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Vedhavalli, Nov 20, 2020.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

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    My friend who has 3 yr old child, found out that her husband is cheating thru text to ex-girlfriend. Never told anything to her.
    She accidentally found out.
    My friend is real good person I know her from college.Upon confronted her husband says ex was in some stress they casually chatted. He didn't think it's important, to tell her.
    One of the text read, "I miss you, wish we married" hell broke at her home.
    Husband pretends innocent , my friend says he is hiding. Called his parents , they said "your household matter we don't want to interfere".
    My friend says he is cheating mentally, he takes phone calls late at night, he goes for long walks, cuts the call in her presence.
    She thoroughly checked the phone for pics., Fb chats nothing is there.
    Ex lives in another state.
    All I could advise her was , ask husband to tell openly not to hide anything., Share passwords.
    My friend is heartbroken crying and taunting herself.
    What should she do?

    Though educated , working modern woman, I never saw her upset for long periods...I know her parents well, she doesn't want to bring up to her set of family.
    How can I help
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    The ex said that or the husband?
    Taunting herself means?
     
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  3. KayKuyil

    KayKuyil Silver IL'ite

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    Emotional infidelity is real and equally home-breaking.

    First please tell her to be strong. There is no reason to blame herself for anything. This lies solely on the husband.

    second, ask her to be calm(it’s tough yes, but being emotional in this talk will just give the guy some leeway to twist and put things on her) and have a point-blank conversation with her husband about what is his intention with the ex, where did he think these texts and calls will lead to, what does he want for the future of his family.

    Third, she needs to think for herself what is next. Is she ready to give him a chance, take couples counseling to help them move on? Or is this something she cannot ever get over.

    Keep reminding her that her well-being and her child’s well-being is paramount.
     
    Agathinai, anika987 and chanchitra like this.
  4. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    Texts such as "I miss you, wish we married" from an ex-girl friend is not a casual chat. He owes an explanation to you even if that was said by the girlfriend, according to me.

    Leave the house along with the child, go to her parents house until he comes back to his senses & gets his priorities right. While leaving, try noting down that other woman's contact number from his mobile.

    Infidelities need ultimatums!

    Even if he comes back, your friend shouldn't budge for mere words/promises. He has to take the burden of proving his detachment, emotional or otherwise, with that other woman. There should be repentance on his part.

    In all of this, she has to really keep her emotions under control means, no crying, no cursing! Difficult, but she has to stay strong.
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2020
    Agathinai, shravs3, anika987 and 2 others like this.
  5. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    men do not do emotional chats. women do. but beyond a point there is further attraction in form of physical , visual.

    that said. Bringing parents is not going to help . and that too now parents have clearly said no more interference.

    this is a very big pain her spouse has given. it is in his hands only to bring balance and peace to family. counselling might help but it needs to have full commitment.

    ultimatums won't work unless he is committed. he needs to cut her number, social media and every contact. he needs to focus on his family.

    counselling can help because he needs to share what was he missing, that he had to take this step.
     
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  6. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

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    She needs to be calm,gain back her emotional strength,do not fall in to her Hs attitude showing as if nothing happened.
    she needs to be firm and ask for all passwords and transparency ,she needs to question him (without loosing temper) and send the strong signal that she is not ready to put up with this nonsense.Do not involve any parents at this stage and she needs to take care of herself.Also contacting the other woman will not be a good idea (I had contacted the other woman's H and it was of no use) .
     
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  7. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

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    Yes so true. She had called the other woman's phone. She straight away declined saying 'your mind is corrupted in suspicion'. The other woman is a very successful one in her field.
    My friend's husband saying it was casual talk, "he was the one who said wish we were married"

    As of now I have told her to keep calm.
    Gather financial info stuff.
    She is inconsolable, we always thought normal middle class men don't cheat.
     
  8. Agathinai

    Agathinai Gold IL'ite

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    Not a casual talk. Nothing breaks a marriage than an affair even an emotional one. When a husband has not divulged in the first instance before the wife found out that in itself is a breach of trust. Anyone who had found the spouse breach their trust will have a real hard time for reconciliation.

    Wife is working and is able to take care of herself and the kid. Inform her that whatever he had done was in breach of this trust and he has to decide whether he wants to continue the married life. If he wants then he has to break free and he needs to be very open with her. The burden of that lies with him. Ask her to tell him that she will separate from him and give him as harsh a warning as possible. That’s going to make him come to some sense.

    Divorce in USA isn’t going to be easy on the husband. Shared responsibility and division of assets help the partners a lot than in India. No one should be taken for a ride. Emotional affair does break marriage. Ask her to be strong and make her understand that she needs to talk to her husband. Her husband needs a wake up call. Good luck.
     
  9. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I know many women and men who have had cheating ex partners. The first thing she needs to do is go to a professional family counselor. This is a big breach of trust and emotional cheating is just as (if not more) painful as physical cheating. A man who is sending that type of message, hasn’t moved on from his old relationship and hasn’t accepted his current one. They need to visit family counselling together to begin processing the situation and find out how deep it goes. If they don’t deal with this, this will slowly eat your friends peace of mind. The husband might refuse. Your friend has to make it clear that if he wants this marriage to work, they have to go to counseling.

    This can go 2 ways. He most likely would want to preserve his current marriage and will at least half heartedly go to counseling... and they work on renewing their relationship and commitment to each other. The other way, he wants to leave the marriage, and files for a divorce. Generally, men who cheat are enamored by the fantasy, and once reality strikes, realize that they want to keep what they already have. This is usually not the case when the woman emotionally cheats- she has checked out of the marriage.
     
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  10. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    she is very lucky to have you as a friend. I am not sure if she is working or not. If she is not, and she has no issues with visa. have her plan for that.

    cheating is both sided, now with so much social diversions, the financial status does not matter. that women is also a grown adult, with #meetoo, she could easily put the man behind bars. some things are just pure principles, some people follow , some dont
     

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