Friction Points Between Seniors (70+) And Adult Children (40+)

sln · Nov 11, 2024

Friction Points Between Seniors (70+) and Adult Children (40+)

This article distils the shared experiences of seniors in our group, capturing the nuances of their evolving relationships with adult children. In earlier years, these relationships were often warm and supportive. Seniors played an active role, helping with the birth of grandchildren, caring for them when both parents worked, and managing school drop-offs and pickups. However, as the children grow more independent, usually around age ten, a noticeable shift occurs: tolerance begins to wane, and the relationship can feel strained. In essence, the "Law of Diminishing Utility" seems to take effect.

Adding to these challenges, adult children may feel restricted by responsibilities at home, unable to travel freely because of their immovable commitments, such as caring for elderly parents or maintaining the household. Moreover, differences in approach to daily problems can create tension.

A primary friction point is the lack of communication. Mornings are rushed, and by evening, everyone is too exhausted for meaningful conversation. The home often lacks a genial atmosphere conducive to open dialogue. Meals are often eaten in front of the TV or laptop, with little shared interaction. While spouses may retreat to their bedroom to discuss matters, even this is becoming rare, as they often occupy separate rooms and work according to different international schedules.

Expectations have also diverged significantly. Seniors prefer a peaceful, stable home environment, while adult children crave stimulation and novelty. For instance, a long weekend is viewed differently; adult children may feel restless and seek to go out rather than stay home. Years ago, seniors focused on securing a good education and a stable government job for their children. Today’s adult children, however, aim to enrol their own kids in prestigious public and international schools, often with IIT coaching beginning as early as eighth grade. Alongside these academic goals, a degree of indulgence has become commonplace.

This indulgence, however, can lead to an unintended consequence: while many of these young students excel academically, they aren’t always considerate family members. Their behaviour toward grandparents can sometimes be indifferent, or even dismissive. Suggestions from seniors are often seen as intrusive, and any comment about the grandchild's late nights at parties is quickly countered, usually by the mother with an assurance that "he can take care of himself." Meanwhile, the grandfather waits quietly in his room, keeping the door open, heart pounding as he hopes his grandchild returns home safely.

Disagreements often arise over dress codes, the company children keep, and the bills they rack up on outings. Seniors still haven’t moved past what I call the "Udipi hotel syndrome." A senior once told me his grandson ordered an exotic dish for ₹900 at a food court, and the parents didn't object. Similarly, a movie outing at a multiplex, with popcorn, can cost around ₹1,500. In another instance, a parent bought a new PlayStation for nearly ₹50,000 while the older version remained unused at home. When the senior suggested selling the old console, his son replied dismissively, "Don’t expect me to stand at the apartment gate to sell it. I’ve already advertised it among friends." The tone was clear—it was none of the senior's business.

When elderly family members express distress, they’re often told, “Go out and talk to friends. Don’t just lie around. Take care of yourself, keep your mind occupied—a lazy mind is the devil's workshop.” This advice, though well-meaning, doesn’t consider the actual pain seniors feel. Being told to “keep busy” without understanding their struggles leaves many seniors feeling emotionally unsupported. For instance, a senior in his nineties has changed his mind about hip replacement surgery multiple times over two years. His sons disapprove of his indecision, but while he doesn’t fear dying, he dreads the possibility of being bedridden after surgery. While his sons offer clinical support, emotional support remains lacking.

Seniors tend to repeat themselves, and younger family members, often impatient, might say, “I don’t want to hear Indian history. Just get to the point.” Corporate jargon finds its way into these exchanges, and seniors, feeling slighted, often say, “You’re in a hurry; let’s talk some other time.”

Then, there’s the generational gap. We grew up amid insecurity and thus value rituals and superstitions, while they don't. When they face setbacks, we can’t resist saying, "We told you so." We want them to have job security, yet they job-hop without hesitation, enduring stress until they settle again. Instead of offering support, we sometimes meet their struggles with a lingering smirk.

Issues like last-minute payments, spontaneous travel plans, and delayed claims add to seniors’ mental strain, as they’re used to doing things on time to avoid penalties. However, constant reminders only push loved ones further away rather than bridging the gap. So, what’s the solution?

Here are three options to consider:

Understand the generational gap: Recognize the changes in circumstances and that they are better off than we were. Allow them space to lead their own lives and enjoy your well-earned period of relaxation.

Live separately but nearby: This arrangement can provide a supportive balance, offering relief for both sides.

Consider a retirement community: Many communities now offer a range of services including accommodation, meals, entertainment, and medical support. Options are available for every budget.

If you are not economically independent pray to God to help you maintain stoic silence and carry on.

The guiding principle is simple: you’ve had your innings; now, it's up to them to navigate life as they see fit.

satchitananda · Nov 11, 2024

This is ever so relatable. From both sides of the table. As the younger generation I have come across 'elders' demanding respect and insisting that the youngsters do this 'for our happiness' especially when it comes to big decisions affecting the lives of the youngsters. The happiness of the youngsters is never concerned. Age is used as a trump card ..... there are some elders who seem to consider themselves to be the centre of the universe and children as slave labour brought into the world for their own convenience.

On the other hand youngsters due to lack of life experience do not realize the concern of the elders and the anxiety they feel for the children, especially in this world of uncertainties. Technology, while it has helped us connect with the world, has cut us off from our nearest and dearest and the scenario you have painted of members of one family living in separate rooms with their gizmos for company is ever so familiar. They do not realize how their sharp words hurt.

Best is to keep distance and wait for them to approach whenever they feel the need for advice/company/affection. Expectations always lead to pain and disappointment.

sln · Nov 11, 2024

satchitananda said: ↑

This is ever so relatable. From both sides of the table. As the younger generation I have come across 'elders' demanding respect and insisting that the youngsters do this 'for our happiness' especially when it comes to big decisions affecting the lives of the youngsters. The happiness of the youngsters is never concerned. Age is used as a trump card ..... there are some elders who seem to consider themselves to be the centre of the universe and children as slave labour brought into the world for their own convenience.

On the other hand youngsters due to lack of life experience do not realize the concern of the elders and the anxiety they feel for the children, especially in this world of uncertainties. Technology, while it has helped us connect with the world, has cut us off from our nearest and dearest and the scenario you have painted of members of one family living in separate rooms with their gizmos for company is ever so familiar. They do not realize how their sharp words hurt.

Best is to keep distance and wait for them to approach whenever they feel the need for advice/company/affection. Expectations always lead to pain and disappointment.
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You are right.Avoid expectations. On the other hand I will give you an example of how lack of communication causes pangs for seniors.In my friend's house his son and Dil told the old man that they were going out and would be back only after lunch.They never said whereto and the old man as per belief did not ask where.At last it turned out that they had fixed up a flat for purchase in an upmarket complex.They did not want to take him as obviously he would not be able to stand the travel.They also felt that he would have a different view of every thing.The old man went through mental torture till they returned back imagining innumerable possibilities. The old man felt slighted which led to friction.Open communication will help avoid most of the problems.

joylokhi · Nov 11, 2024

@sln , very well laid out ! plight of seniors in current scenario is as u have so rightly said , so fraught with emotional issues. However the youngsters also cannot be blamed in toto , as their working schedulesl for most part do not allow them time to sit down to spending time with their parents, even if they were so inclined. Managing their individual jobs (where both spouses are working) and attending to the needs of children itself is a hurculean task these days, due to demands of school, education curriculum etc. Your suggestions for avoiding friction is On point. Being financially independant is a major plus in such a situation. We can be there for them when required and vice versa, without micro managing them - ensuring peace all around. Even this , is difficult where there is no emotional connect between parents and children.

Viswamitra · Nov 11, 2024

Dear SLN Sir,

The world is changing in a furious speed and the next generations are adjusting to this quickly when the seniors are still catching up with the changing world.

The seniors were looking for stable jobs, long-term stability, one location approach to educate the children, gradual savings over the entire career, and a peaceful retirement after a certain age. Now the new generation is ready to jump ship for faster growth, they are not too much worried about stability, they consider the entire world as one village, save money with windfalls happening from time to time through joining bonus, achievement awards, and expand the assets through EMIs, and finally not too much worried about stopping work at certain age. They are also looking for multiple income streams. They seek highly paid jobs irrespective of the age so that they can quickly build wealth. They are learning how to diversify their investments into multiple income streams. Their income strategy is not to retire with gradually built wealth but build wealth quickly and make the money work for them in diversified fields.

However, they are also doing their best to give the best of education, prepare the children well for the competitive world, allowing them to choose new and unexplored professions in ancient days such as art, dance, drama, cinematography, sports, entertainment, song writing, script writing, and many more. In our days, those were sidekicks to explore our interest and never considered as a full-time profession.

In my view, after we stop working, our curiosity should be to learn how the world is changing from adult children and grandchildren more than giving them an uninvited advice. They would reach out, if they care for seniors' opinion. It is such a pleasure to learn new things from the grandchildren and children and catch up on the changing world.

Friction as you said is happening due to generation gap. The moto should be don't be a burden, don't try to help unless requested, and be prepared to learn from them about the changing world, if they have time to share.

lavani · Nov 11, 2024

this is good thread. it is not new situation. every generation is going thru and went thru.

however, unfortunately in last 20 yrs. there has been huge gap in economic and social way of life.

this reminds of a very old movie much ahead of its time. Samsarum oru minsaram. where the actress mentions, that families must live separate but not too far and no too near. just enough to help and bond well.

reality it sometimes parent are not able to let go of kids and force them to live together or sometime it is financially possible. sometimes when they are able to financially, they are not smart enough to have a creative solution. i remember my neighbor who brought his parents from india and sponsered gc. he spent another 100 to 200k to make a separate small out house with all facilities and put his parents. it was a huge drama initially, his mom and dad made a ruckus , but he was really strong headed. now after 2 yrs the parents are extremely happy with this way.

gamma50g · Nov 12, 2024

@sln sir, I can completely empathize with some of the points you made.

One family that I know of has the daughter taking care of her father and she is unable to go anywhere because of her commitment. When she asks her sibling to take over once in a few years for ten days so that she can vacation with her family, he refuses flatly stating that he has already planned trips with his family.

Also over educating kids a.k.a. making a kid IIT and IIM has its own negatives . Some kids that stay away from family during undergrad studies so not want to /are incapable of taking family responsibilities like caring for an elderly. They want to enjoy their life with all the freedom but without shackles of an elderly to care for. They forget that it's that same parents who worked hard and put them through expensive coaching classes etc that has enabled them to be in this position today.

I also know some husbands who think that it's the sole duty of his wife to take care of his ageing parents, children and him. His only job would be to go to work, earn and come home. All his meals and even his coffee has to be handed to him.

The more I see such people, the more I question what has Ivy League education taught them. What is the use of being this educated if you are so busy that you cannot spare some time for your own parents in their sunset years.

As long as your parents are in their 60s,70s and even early 80s, they are fairly independent. As long as both the parents are alive, they do well as they have each other for company. However, widows/widowers and nonagenarians have their own woes.

All they want is time from you and your ears. Yes, they may keep on repeating things and they themselves wouldn't know that they are repeating what they have already said. But as their child, don't you feel compelled to spend time with them? Give them the emotional support they need at this stage of their life?

Unless the child reaches the senior parents age, the child cannot understand the age related problems, aches and pains that their parents keep repeating.

Your parents have spent their whole life taking care of you, working for you so that you can be highly educated and live comfortably. They don't want your money. They only want your time.Is it not your turn to go to your parents, sit with them awhile for some time each day and ask them how their day went? What did they do..

Some kids that live abroad don't even call their parents regularly to find out about their well-being. It's out of sight and out of mind for them.

Parents won't be around forever . And after they pass away, no matter how much you yearn to talk to them, you wouldn't be able to.

HariLakhera · Nov 12, 2024

It is difficult to say when the friction starts but as two individuals are not the same, it is bound to happen. Sometimes parents create friction by imposing their expectations on the children like planning their careers. It may be made easy by understanding them and helping them to achieve their own set goals.
As children become financially independent, they naturally look forward to no or little interference in their personal lives.
Then comes a time, they start ageing with their parents, but not free of their obligations towards their children.
My strategy is:
Advise only when asked.
Limit your needs to basics.
Communicate by texting if urgent and important not by thumping on their doors.
Their children are not your children so do not be critical.

sln · Nov 12, 2024

joylokhi said: ↑

@sln , very well laid out ! plight of seniors in current scenario is as u have so rightly said , so fraught with emotional issues. However the youngsters also cannot be blamed in toto , as their working schedulesl for most part do not allow them time to sit down to spending time with their parents, even if they were so inclined. Managing their individual jobs (where both spouses are working) and attending to the needs of children itself is a hurculean task these days, due to demands of school, education curriculum etc. Your suggestions for avoiding friction is On point. Being financially independant is a major plus in such a situation. We can be there for them when required and vice versa, without micro managing them - ensuring peace all around. Even this , is difficult where there is no emotional connect between parents and children.
Click to expand...

As you rightly said avoid micromanagement.The type of competitive pressure youngsters face is quite different from what seniors faced.Deadlines have become deadlier.

sln · Nov 12, 2024

Viswamitra said: ↑

Dear SLN Sir,

The world is changing in a furious speed and the next generations are adjusting to this quickly when the seniors are still catching up with the changing world.

The seniors were looking for stable jobs, long-term stability, one location approach to educate the children, gradual savings over the entire career, and a peaceful retirement after a certain age. Now the new generation is ready to jump ship for faster growth, they are not too much worried about stability, they consider the entire world as one village, save money with windfalls happening from time to time through joining bonus, achievement awards, and expand the assets through EMIs, and finally not too much worried about stopping work at certain age. They are also looking for multiple income streams. They seek highly paid jobs irrespective of the age so that they can quickly build wealth. They are learning how to diversify their investments into multiple income streams. Their income strategy is not to retire with gradually built wealth but build wealth quickly and make the money work for them in diversified fields.

However, they are also doing their best to give the best of education, prepare the children well for the competitive world, allowing them to choose new and unexplored professions in ancient days such as art, dance, drama, cinematography, sports, entertainment, song writing, script writing, and many more. In our days, those were sidekicks to explore our interest and never considered as a full-time profession.

In my view, after we stop working, our curiosity should be to learn how the world is changing from adult children and grandchildren more than giving them an uninvited advice. They would reach out, if they care for seniors' opinion. It is such a pleasure to learn new things from the grandchildren and children and catch up on the changing world.

Friction as you said is happening due to generation gap. The moto should be don't be a burden, don't try to help unless requested, and be prepared to learn from them about the changing world, if they have time to share.
Click to expand...