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Friction In Married Life Post Baby

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Positivity02, Feb 9, 2020.

  1. Positivity02

    Positivity02 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Mangai, thanks for your replies. No , they are not so bad. It's just that when I miss my time with hubby I get angry and start tripping at everyone. I feel bad afterwards.
    MIL wanted us to stay with them so that relatives (most of them live near to their place) can visit baby, I made it clear that me being with my family is more important to me than xyz relatives.
    My mom had ppd after she had me , I'm not sure if this is that and if its hereditary.. However , spoke to hubby today and we are doing better now after hearty conversation and some hugs. :)
     
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Glad you talked to your husband and sorted things out.That is the healthier way to sort out issues.

    Try to be cheerful for the rest of inlaws stay as they seem to be nice.


    Good you also prioritized yourself and your parents over other relatives . Even if in laws are nice, it is better if you and your happiness are not taken for granted .
     
    Positivity02 likes this.
  3. Positivity02

    Positivity02 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi dear,
    I can relate so much to what you are saying. Only difference is that my hubby is pretty understanding but yeah when it comes to his own parents he doesn't want to confront.
    For eg, hubby comes home for lunch and days when he goes out for team lunch , in-laws would say let's just keep rasam and rice. As a nursing mother I have to insist to make dal, vegetable or eggs and this happens very often. Many times I will end up cooking too rushing between looking after baby. Many such petty but very annoying things.
    Hubby these days explicitly tells mil to make proper food even when he isn't around. As you mentioned, I'm trying to look past this period , go to India , spend time with my family and come back refreshed.
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2020
    Angela123 likes this.
  4. Positivity02

    Positivity02 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ,
    Yes, talking to him makes me feel so much better. Earlier when we were living by ourselves we used spend so much quality time together- going for long walks chit chatting, cycling ,working out together in the gym, etc
    Now, I love my baby very much and enjoy spending time with him but I miss those times with hubby too.
    With in laws i try to be nice most of the time- ask hubby to take them around sight seeing on weekends , cook them different foods when possible etc
    ln the past when I am too nice I have felt they take me for granted. I don't allow that anymore and be very straight forward.
     
  5. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    See op, ideally your parents should have come to your home during the ninth month, stayed for delivery and initial months...then you should have gone to your parental home for few months..then in laws should have stayed with you when baby is a little older..
    But since this didn’t happen due to unavoidable reasons, just learn to chill and relax..
    Its very tough to handle everything on your own and you require some family support now...your in laws came...
    No in-laws are perfect...they didn’t pamper you...they didn’t do as many chores as you wanted or expected them to..but they are also nice people who adjusted to your changing moods and did a few chores and helped as much as they can and want to...
    It’s the first child so your husband needs time to learn many things, like looking after a new mom and baby...he is also tired and stressed with his job and as primary breadwinner...just softly discuss the situation with him so he can take care of baby for few hours during weekends, cook something special stuffs for you and take you out so you ll get some pampering and me time...that will make you feel better...
    Just consider yourself lucky to have nice in-laws...do not be mean to them, be polite and nice to them...they maybe concerned that you may not be able to manage baby on your own hence they invited you to stay with them for few months...politely tell them that you’ll spend some time at parents home and then go sometime later to their home when baby is older...
    Your hormones are raging, so many changes are happening right from pregnancy to childbirth to Lactation, BFing etc..you don’t have proper sleep, me time and no lose friends whom you can chill out with and who can boost your morale...
    Many times this happened to me also, in laws would come and stay for long duration with idea of helping but end up relaxing here and acting as guests , inviting guests ...no idea of what is expected of them and what chores they could do to make things easy for me..and my chores were getting added up as I’ve to accommodate and cook for them also..then I used to get irritated too...
    Baby is very small, for emergencies you need elders who know how to handle small baby...it’s just two more months..be cool and don’t get into fights or arguments with them and just maintain cordial relations with them...
    I know it’s tough to live with in laws under one roof if you’re not used to joint family and used to having freedom of nuclear family.....
    Go to your parental home after they leave...then come back and look after the baby in your own...do not depend on parents or in laws to come me and help...when you know that in laws cannot help much w.r.t. childcare or chores better be self sufficient and plan your household chores and cooking well so you can look after baby and also get some sleep...once your baby is older and sleep so throughout the night you’d feel much better..
     
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  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    If you are experiencing PPD please talk to your Ob-gyn. They do take it seriously in the US and you should not have to suffer in silence. Don’t miss out on this precious time with your baby due to bad behavior from others.
     
  7. Sansa

    Sansa Silver IL'ite

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    I don’t know about my mom’s generation but in my case, my husband was fully hands on, from the day one. And that has been the case for all my friends with indian husband. It’s a learning curve for both of us considering it’s the first baby and both of us didn’t have any experience with handling newborns like nephews/ nieces.
    I wouldn’t blame it on husband, rather the emphasis must be on learning and seeking help for ppd as a family. I read and learnt much about breastfeeding, handling newborn and what not before the baby was born but not about ppd. I’m pregnant with second baby and this time we as a family are ready to handle this in a positive way.
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2020
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  8. Sansa

    Sansa Silver IL'ite

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    im so glad that you took it in the right way and talked to your husband. The best way to come out of this situation is - come out of the room and start spending time with everyone. Go out as a family and tag yourself too. That will really help.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    OP, good to read that you talked with DH and have plans to make the rest of in-laws less stressful for all. Many good responses in the thread.

    Hopefully, the stay at your mother's place will give you some respite, the baby will also be older and you will come back refreshed. Try to not bring up the past after you come back. The first few months and even till the first birthday are stressful times for any new parents.

    Another thing is that trips to the U.S. by parents or in-laws are big events. What happens sometimes is that the main purpose of the trip gets sidelined and the trip becomes one with multiple purposes. This can continue in their future visits too. For example - parents are invited for a child's first birthday or a girl's arangetram. They get excited about the trip, and plan to do a lot in the trip, travel, meet etc. To the point that they can request that the b'day party or arangetram date be fixed taking into account their other plans. The people footing the bill and hosting them can feel that the main event is being relegated to an "also happening" status. Best is to be a little flexible, go with the flow, and forget about it and only remember the more joyful moments.
     
  10. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    You are fine, your hubby and in laws look like nice people. take it easy .

    PPD and lot of mix up hormonal changes do create a lot of issues.

    you got great feedback here, i understand this is hard for you.

    my suggestion will be try to keep your time with in laws here and india as pleasant as possible. ofcourse , you need to be with your parents too.

    time flies fast, very soon your hubby will be chasing you.
     

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