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Friction In Married Life Post Baby

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Positivity02, Feb 9, 2020.

  1. Positivity02

    Positivity02 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    I'm new mother of 3 month old baby. We live in US. Plan was to bring my parents for delivery but my dad got sick, advised not to travel, mom had to stay to take care of dad - in-laws came instead.
    They came in the 8th month of pregnancy. They are fine people and had a smooth relationship since marriage and never lived together more than few weeks.

    After they came and during the last few weeks of pregnancy , they were pampering the husband and I started feeling disappointed.
    MIL is basically lazy , she enjoys socializing with ppl and going out to places but not very interested in cooking or household chores. They both used to go to park and spend time there socializing. I was cooking & doing chores till the day I got labour pain.
    After I delivered , hubby was in 2 weeks paternity and he used to spend most of the time helping his mom in cooking or chores when I expected him to spend time with me and baby.

    Hubby thinks they both might feel lonely in foreign country and spends lot of time with them when I feel I'm the one left out and struggling to keep up with sleepless nights and postpartum stress.

    With all this I miss my parents so much and feel extremely lonely. I don't even have any close friends to whom I can share here and I miss my hubby very much whom I thought as my best friend. I don't want to tell anything to parents as they ll be worried.
    Now, in 2 months in-laws are going back and I'm going too with baby. They wanted me to stay with them for sometime and then go to parents but I said I'm going to stay at my parents place only.
    I feel very irritated all the time and feel angry. I don't talk to them mostly as what ever they say or do irritates me. I feel raged if it's something to do with the baby. They don't fight back and mil tries to talk very normally which irritates me more.
    Hubby thinks I'm being rude and says I have to tone down and adjust.
    I feel they are all one family and I m the odd man out.
    I feel that hubby gets most attention when I am the one who pushed a human out of me.
    I keep thinking if my mom had come, she would have taken good care of me in addition to the house stuff and I would have spent quality time with my baby and husband during the most precious time of our lives.
    As a diversion, I registered for a certification exam and spend my time either studying , being with the baby or doing some household stuff avoiding any interaction with anyone.
    I speak only if necessary and stay inside our room most of the time.
    I feel that there is a friction in our marriage and hubby doesn't seem to understand what I am going through.
    Did any of you guys had to live with in-laws during delivery away from parents ? How did you cope up? Appreciate your suggestions.
     
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  2. Sansa

    Sansa Silver IL'ite

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    It’s exactly the same scenario in my house few years back. I feel like a different person then and now as the baby is a toddler.
    To make things easier, it’s not 100% your inlaws or husband’s fault. I will blame the hormones and lack of sleep that makes everything seem out of proportion. I would say please talk to your husband directly about what you feel. Please don’t fight, which I did that made everything worse. It took us exactly one year to sort out and come back to our normal routine.
    Also even if you are with parents, you might feel irritated with them too. The only difference is they won’t take it to heart even if you lash out at them. Just my 2 cents.
    It’s all hormones and you will feel differently one year from now when you look back. Since you are going back to india, I would say adjust for a little while without any issues

    Hugs to you momma
     
  3. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Is it possible PPD is making things and in-laws seem more terrible than they actually might be ?Take a deep breath and realize that you do not have to be rude to your in-laws, specially when they are in your house. Being a new mother is overwhelming. Take care
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2020
  4. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you should talk to husband about how you feel about the situation . Do you have any friends you can go out for even an hour ?
     
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  5. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I am thinking back to the time my in-laws were here for my delivery. It is different than having your parents around to help. Your husband ought to play a bigger role in helping you out, not in-laws. @mangaii is right , talk to him first.

    sorry to digress, but I see posts from new mothers feeling overwhelmed a lot on indusladies. Is this is a Indian problem ? Are new dad’s not as involved as they ought to be ?
     
  6. Positivity02

    Positivity02 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Sansa

    Thanks for the kind words. I feel much better now after talking to my husband. I hope to control my emotions for the next few weeks till I go to Mom's place
     
    Sansa likes this.
  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    @SinghManisha this is my personal opinion. Men don’t know how to care for new mother . Mostly in India women go to mom’s place for delivery so it was never something they saw while growing up . I think there is problem with women too since they generally don’t express their feelings or need for mental support from husband . keeping the communication line open is very important and exchanging information on daily basis even for 5-10 mins makes a lot of difference since it helps to connect with spouse . Just express unhappiness then and there instead of bottling up . If you have help then just go out for a walk even for few minutes . Sleep when baby sleeps . If possible hire some help for cooking or cleaning so everyone can take a break from work . It is ok to let husband know you are looking for care and support .
     
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  8. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    How much sleep do you get on daily basis ?
    Don’t be rude to in-laws especially when they are your guest and here to take care of you unless they are abusing you . Just vent it out to husband and just make sure you relax . Btw your in laws asking you to stay with them is unreasonable . You should go to parents home
     
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  9. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Congrats on new born. Sorry that ur parents couldn’t come to help.
    Don’t feel bad, as this phase is going to pass soon and once your baby gets little big it only keeps getting better. You’re not odd man out in the family, the situation is such that they all are there for the baby but think it’s moms responsibility and could do only much. And you being a new mom feel you need help and need to be heard and need that initial guidance with kidddo and some concern as a new mom is totally understandable. After delivery the harmones go havoc and u feel depressed, lack of sleep, cont feeding sessions, diaper changing. You’re super busy and not resting and the atmosphere around is just not in favorable to u as in-laws can only do v little and hubb doesn’t support. All this happens in most of the Indian families. I have faced v similar situation too. I used to be super annoyed frustrated and feel how can my h not see what’s happening around. Probably the Indian mentality is that kid is only moms responsibility. They don’t want to help little in the kitchen but like to spend good time in parks and going for walks, knocking other Desis doors for socializing but not be considerate to new born at home. I totally get it... but hang on, u explaining ur h won’t do anything in my feeling. Since u r going to Indian in some time wait until that time, have good time in India and come back. When in-laws r not around, he will behave normally and you will have ur time w ur family. With mine nothing worked until they left, if I try to explain He used to have more fights and only point my wrong doings but cannot find a single mistake of theirs. Depends on dh I guess.
    Initial phase of having a baby is so hard on mommy. You shall wait until baby is 7-9months just hang on. Things will seem much better trust me.
    I also faced similar situations and still carry the bitterness of past of how I was neglected as a new mom.
    men are not programmed to understand the delivery and after care process. My h used to sleep at pp room post delivery like a baby. I was awake whole two days cont taking care of the new born even after coming home. Nurses even commented on saying who delivered is it mommy or daddy while dad seems to be more tired than mommy. First few weeks was so rough.. I know everyone has their delivery story.
    In my opinion men shall be made aware by moms on how difficult the phase is, yet they become the reason for all the troubles they bring to us. So men take us for granted !
     
  10. Positivity02

    Positivity02 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Manisha
    No, they aren't terrible, just annoying at times. Since we never lived together much, it's hard for everyone to get adjusted that too with the arrival of baby.
    Hubby tries his best, does most of the house chores including cooking lot of times. When he gets busy with all that and his job , he gets tired. I understand that he is doing everything he can but I get emotional and irritated when I miss him too much.
    I spoke to him and he is now making conscious efforts to spend time with me and baby. I hope to be as nice as possible to in laws get over with rest of the time here.
     

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