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foundation for successful marriages.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ilite, Jun 23, 2010.

  1. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    No one would disagree with the thoughts expressed by the original & subsequent posters. Love, compassion, respect are all important to a successful relationship. The trick is to find a way to transform these abstract ideas into concrete choices and actions. Conflicts arise when ideas clash. (Wife: If you loved me you wouldn’t leave me alone so much. Husband: if you loved me, you would understand how important my career is to me). So, the question is, if love is not merely an idea or an emotion, what is love made concrete?
    Research in the US suggests that the three main areas of marital conflict are money, sex (what, how often) and children. The posts on this forum bear this out – this appears true for Indian couples too, perhaps with the addition of the relationship with in-laws as an added source of tension.
    Love is necessary but not sufficient in a marriage. It is possible to love someone even if they don’t love you in return. However, without mutual commitment, marriage is hell. Love is not enough. Research also suggests that in successful marriages couples have not avoided conflict, but have found effective ways resolving them. So my advice for couples would be to:
    (1) Look into your mutual attitudes toward money, sex and children. Easier said than done I agree, but well worth the effort. Acknowledge differences, establish common ground.
    (2) Establish how you are both going to approach the inevitable conflicts. This is best done in the early phase, as soon as you begin planning a life together or in the case of an arranged marriage, in the first months when love and a willingness to accommodate each other is still strong and growing.
    (3) Agree that there will be no expectations of mind-reading. No expectation that “if you loved me you would know….”. Establish a safe-space where either person can say what’s on their mind without fear and expect to be taken seriously. Read “The Lost Art of Listening” by Michael P. Nichols or something similar.
    (4) Agree that there will be no manipulation. No silent-treatment, withdrawal or withholding (emotional or physical). It should be possible to be straight and simply say "…I am a little cranky right now, I’ll be Ok, just leave me be for a bit…”.
    (5) Read / discuss “Love is Never Enough” by Aaron Beck, a leading cognitive psychologist. I have recommended this book elsewhere on this forum. It’s a great starting point to begin exploring your relationship. Of course you won’t agree with everything it says, of course it needs modifying for an Indian relationship – but it still has a lot to offer at least as food for thought. A beginning upon which you can build your own version of the perfect marriage.
    (6) Check out the “Harvard Negotiation Project”. Although designed for business negotiation, it has a lot of insights to offer for personal life too.
    Love, when translated from an abstract emotion to concrete action, is mostly the art of negotiation and compromise with your partner! The sooner a couple learns to recognize this, the sooner they will put themselves on the road to a successful marriage.
    That’s all for today’s lecture. Now for this week’s homework assignment….:wink:
     
  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    This is what I have to say:bowdown:bowdown wonderful post and very very valid points...each word is worth its weight in gold. simple yet lot of work/effort to actually put our thoughts into concrete words and actions!
     
  3. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    >>very valid points ...etc.
    SriVidya75:
    Very generous acknowledgement from a very prolific member of the community! Thank you.
    As an accidental tourist on this forum, I have been looking over the various threads - I am saddened and appalled by what some people have to live with, but pleasantly surprised and very impressed by the quiet, vivacious, engaged and non-judgmental generosity of the women who post often. This site is a great testament to the modern Indian woman!
     
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  4. pshanti1986

    pshanti1986 New IL'ite

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    successful marriages award is given only posthumously, by then the sacrifices, sufferreings, pleasure and enjoyment etc adjectives would have all been experienced. There is no formula or foundation theories for successful marriages. It is a goal achieved at the time of death. Its difficult for both wife and husband to work together to climb this marriage hill. One has to climb and the other has to lend the hand. So for a successful marriage one has to work hard and sacrifice and the other enjoy the fruits. so the tussle between who sacrifices and who enjoys begins and that understanding is the foundation and formula of a successful marriage.
     
  5. amaman

    amaman New IL'ite

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    Wow, great points. I hope the married ones here are having a great time at home.
     
  6. Megalife

    Megalife Platinum IL'ite

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    Essentially one of the best articles I have read in here! An example of continuing exploration of values through literature!!! Like any other art, science or philosophy, marriage too is a field of expertise wherein 2 different indivuduals coexist and a constant self-evaluation and self-improvement can give more truth, meaning and depth to this (in my opinion) beautiful relationship!
     
  7. shambu

    shambu Silver IL'ite

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    everything comes down to only one solution... ADJUSTMENT... either it be with hubby or with PIL or with your own parents....

    its easier to say... but the most difficult one to follow...:hide:

    :coffee
     
  8. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    A very good thread indeed. I want to add my 2 cents here.
    6. Mutual Trust
    7. Communication (be it verbal or emails or letters) just express your concerns complaints clearly to your souse
    8. Hardwork and patience
    9. Mutual Understanding

    I strongly feel in India we should have mandetory marriage counselling for every couple before they get marry. That will solve many many marital problems. Just like in america people have to take marriage license in india there should be marriage counselling complusory even for bride-grooms parents too. Because parents interferance cause many divorces in India.
     
  9. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Ego is a big deterrent in marriages. It is not possible to have a good marriage where ego rules everything. If a marriage is calm, it does not mean things are fine. it can be that one person's ego is being sacrificed at the cost of the other. Ego is the feeling that "iam better than you". If this feeling is there in couples then they are doomed. After ego comes collective ego, "my family is better than yours". Slights, ridicules, pointing fingers at each other's family members is all result of collective ego. PPl like this cant see the bad in themselves and their own family even if the entire world tells that they are not so. If you and your spouse can get rid of this ego then life will be better. Couples should understand what triggers egoistic outbursts and thus avoid those things smartly for greater good.

    An egoistic person cannot understand the partner's feeling and point of view at all. Basically self-centered, selfish and self-pitying in all circumstances they are useless when asked for support. It is tough living with an egoistic person because they will have lots of factual information but cannot verbalise their own feelings or empathise with them. I live with such a person and the only way I have found to work is to just let him be. No fancy requests, just return the favur and let me be too :) just dont get into each others way as much as possible. i dont talk abt my family to him unless very necesary and neither talk ill abt his family to him. basically, mind our own businesses and lives.
     
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  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Also sometimes I feel these articles well meaning though they are ..do not address a complete section of troubled marriages...
    What happens when the basic raw material is not good...Like Polymorphic said ..some people are just incredibly difficult (impossible )to live with.
     
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