foundation for successful marriages.

Very good points! I did tell some of my nieces to know and define what they expect from marriage or if they want to date someone! because we cant get everything from a spouse. So what are mandatory and what can be lived with should be differentiated and understood to have a clarity of who we are and what we want!

 

The pointers are neat... I would also like to add more for those who get married to person living abroad.

- No Express marriages: like groom comes from abroad on 3 or 4 weeks vacation, he sees the girl and with in the time they get married.

- Always meet the person in person and spend some time. You never know how a person is when you chat or speak. Imagination of a person's body language by seeing photo is totally different from what actually is.

- Not to believe the person blindly, even when he / she says about something always research and analyse.

All said life is always different when living undersame roof than courtship / love.

 

Absoultely right. I remember before my marriage when I was also trying through arranged marriage I had come across a girl whose father was living abroad, the girl was in India, she and I had exchanged one or two email , it was more of a questionnaire that I had sent her to know what she thinks about those subjects.She replied and did say questions were very nice. But the issue came when I got a email from her father and he said he is coming to India for a week and wants to get his daughter married in that time, so I should decide fast and let him know. I was shocked, and wrote to him that I cannot take such decisions hastily and it got over....

Now, still I got trapped in bad marriage that validates your last part too. No matter how much we try somewhere we make a mistake to know a person or even if we know we try to ignore , its only with maturity that we can know how to differentiate what lies beneath a person and whether it will be a good match . Still there is no full proof marriage...because as times change we all change...

 

While it is good idea to go through some kind of scrutiny against the proposed partner, the question is how much will be successful in a married life. The process of scrutiny may prove compatibility for that moment in time, but it is hard to prove the harmony & happiness will sustain over a lifetime.

Personality trait plays a main role here. We need to keep that in mind, personality traits are built-in differences that remain stable in our life. They are the constant aspects of our individuality. No matter how much we agree upon during conflicts to stop the burning fire for that moment, the personality buds out when the opportunity comes as they are distinctive. Each individual behaves according to certain distinctive patterns throughout a variety of situations.

One should understand, accept, and apply their personality traits is an important part of knowing themselves. Lot of times, when there is a conflict between couple one see it as an issue, but the other one not (who is doing the damage) In their eye these processes are normal and behave it is their birth right. Unless the person doing the damage realise it as an issue and try to control it to maintain the sustainable happiness, it is very difficult to have smooth marriage.

Couple should have a marital objective which requires the agreement of two people and it needs to be reviewed regularly like any other vision statements. It doesn’t mean it needs to be laid down on paper and signed & followed by them line by line. If the couple have objective that works and have the motivation to follow the plan, they resolve their conflicts and restore love to their marriages without any help from others. Being in love is the driving force for happy marriage.

 

Whether love or arranged, I think it is of utmost importance to understand your spouse's nature/values/ideas on life before committing to marriage. I agree understanding someone's nature can take time, but you can figure out through words/actions their values and ideas on life. Then you need to balance these against your own. If you are satisfied, go ahead with the marriage, otherwise, look elsewhere.

When I was looking for a spouse, my main criteria was honesty and integrity. I felt that these 2 values superceded everything else because I could not live with or have respect for a man who was dishonest. Now, when something about my husband bugs me (he's a slob, does not talk etc etc), I remind myself that he is the most ethical / fair / sensible person I know and that keeps our marriage going.

Some more ideas on building a strong marriage

1. Mutual faith and respect for each other as human beings
2. Willingness to accept each other's flaws
3. Communication - need not be verbal, sometimes actions speak louder than words
4. Respect for each other's families. Respect does not equal letting your IL's mistreat you just because you are the DIL.
5. Encouraging and supporting each other's goals and ambitions.
6. Understanding that DH+DW are a team and that's how the rest of the world should perceive/treat them.

 

In addition to all the pointers given....I would say...unmarried persons should read this forum at IL.:thumbsup......its an eye opener and to learn from it. Clearly shows that marraige takes a lot of effort and emotional investment.

 

In arranged marriages....
Even though you feel everything is right about the partner and get hints that the SIL is a hard nut to crack then do back off........
A daughter is mostly a mother's image.. its just that the mother may have externally mellowed down over 30 yrs however the child remains in her. Also when two of them get together they really tango .. which is not a music.

Avoid over gelled families.. their foundations are already/ fully layed and the bride is just an embellishment / plastering on the building.. which can be changed anytime.
Only way to have a successful foundation in such cases is to dig at a separate place where DW and DH can together be a part of foundation.