1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

foundation for successful marriages.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ilite, Jun 23, 2010.

  1. ilite

    ilite Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    211
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Having read so many threads here with issues of either the husband or the wife complaining about so many issues that are very basic components of a marriage, I'm beginning to wonder what could be the reason behind the couple getting married if they cannot offer the basics of being married. The issues have been varied- husband not spending time with wife or vice versa, no financial contribution, the one that affected me the most are the ones where the H eats his dinner at work and comes home to his starving wife without any plan of getting her something it and where the H gives all his income to his parents and expects the W to run the house (hope the posters don't mind me borrowing from their threads). I apologize to all the men as I have not included troubles faced by them here, simply because not many are posted on this site.

    A case like the,H handing over all his salary, is an issue with a very dear newly married person. He doesn't give her any financial support, gives all his earnings to his mom who buys the groceries and stuff for running the house and my dear one has to request her dad for money even for her mobile bills. And though being pregnant is expected to do all the housework while MIL contibutes no help and no maids allowed as MIL doesn't like the idea. H tried to help her with the chores a few times but stopped it after MIL interfered. This is just an example.

    I would think the following are basic to a marriage:
    1. love
    2. compassion
    3. financial support
    4. creating a feeling of belonging
    5. ' a place for everybody and everybody in their place'
    There may be other things I may have left out, readers pls feel free to add.

    The couple before entering into the relationship have to think hard and be willing to contribute all of these or else choose to stay single.

    Obviously, quite a few in our cultures are not aware and/or are not willing to lay these foundations of relationships and still want to get married leading to unhappy/broken marriages.

    I was wondering since we come and advice people with these problems here (most of the times after the fact) what can we do to prepare our unmarried friends/family members to avoid these mistakes and save themselves and the prospective spouses the heartache.

    One of the solutions I thought of was pre-marital screening and started a thread on it, but no takers for that I guess, hence started this thread to get feedback.

    regards,
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2010
    Loading...

  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    954
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Very good points! I did tell some of my nieces to know and define what they expect from marriage or if they want to date someone! because we cant get everything from a spouse. So what are mandatory and what can be lived with should be differentiated and understood to have a clarity of who we are and what we want!
     
  3. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,725
    Likes Received:
    6,646
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    I met a very nice couple who are married for 10+ yrs. we were discussing about general things and topic on parents came up. ofcourse both our parents dont have the understanding between them and just live life for the sake of it. thats when the couple were telling us :
    life is all about accepting who you(your spouse) are and making adjustments accordingly.
    if you keep blaming DH for throwing wet towel on the bed, thats going to blow up into bigger issues . Just accept the fact that it is has been his habit for so long .


    I was really confused listening to them (so should the wife follow behind hubby after his bath collecting his towels ?) , however it did sound like a foundation of their successful marriage and thought of sharing with you all.
     
  4. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    651
    Likes Received:
    525
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    The pointers are neat... I would also like to add more for those who get married to person living abroad.

    - No Express marriages: like groom comes from abroad on 3 or 4 weeks vacation, he sees the girl and with in the time they get married.

    - Always meet the person in person and spend some time. You never know how a person is when you chat or speak. Imagination of a person's body language by seeing photo is totally different from what actually is.

    - Not to believe the person blindly, even when he / she says about something always research and analyse.

    All said life is always different when living undersame roof than courtship / love.
     
  5. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,284
    Likes Received:
    28
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    Absoultely right. I remember before my marriage when I was also trying through arranged marriage I had come across a girl whose father was living abroad, the girl was in India, she and I had exchanged one or two email , it was more of a questionnaire that I had sent her to know what she thinks about those subjects.She replied and did say questions were very nice. But the issue came when I got a email from her father and he said he is coming to India for a week and wants to get his daughter married in that time, so I should decide fast and let him know. I was shocked, and wrote to him that I cannot take such decisions hastily and it got over....

    Now, still I got trapped in bad marriage that validates your last part too. No matter how much we try somewhere we make a mistake to know a person or even if we know we try to ignore , its only with maturity that we can know how to differentiate what lies beneath a person and whether it will be a good match . Still there is no full proof marriage...because as times change we all change...

     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2010
  6. Jambu

    Jambu Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    11
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    While it is good idea to go through some kind of scrutiny against the proposed partner, the question is how much will be successful in a married life. The process of scrutiny may prove compatibility for that moment in time, but it is hard to prove the harmony & happiness will sustain over a lifetime.

    Personality trait plays a main role here. We need to keep that in mind, personality traits are built-in differences that remain stable in our life. They are the constant aspects of our individuality. No matter how much we agree upon during conflicts to stop the burning fire for that moment, the personality buds out when the opportunity comes as they are distinctive. Each individual behaves according to certain distinctive patterns throughout a variety of situations.

    One should understand, accept, and apply their personality traits is an important part of knowing themselves. Lot of times, when there is a conflict between couple one see it as an issue, but the other one not (who is doing the damage) In their eye these processes are normal and behave it is their birth right. Unless the person doing the damage realise it as an issue and try to control it to maintain the sustainable happiness, it is very difficult to have smooth marriage.

    Couple should have a marital objective which requires the agreement of two people and it needs to be reviewed regularly like any other vision statements. It doesn’t mean it needs to be laid down on paper and signed & followed by them line by line. If the couple have objective that works and have the motivation to follow the plan, they resolve their conflicts and restore love to their marriages without any help from others. Being in love is the driving force for happy marriage.
     
  7. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,645
    Likes Received:
    94
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Gender:
    Male
    Whether love or arranged, I think it is of utmost importance to understand your spouse's nature/values/ideas on life before committing to marriage. I agree understanding someone's nature can take time, but you can figure out through words/actions their values and ideas on life. Then you need to balance these against your own. If you are satisfied, go ahead with the marriage, otherwise, look elsewhere.

    When I was looking for a spouse, my main criteria was honesty and integrity. I felt that these 2 values superceded everything else because I could not live with or have respect for a man who was dishonest. Now, when something about my husband bugs me (he's a slob, does not talk etc etc), I remind myself that he is the most ethical / fair / sensible person I know and that keeps our marriage going.

    Some more ideas on building a strong marriage

    1. Mutual faith and respect for each other as human beings
    2. Willingness to accept each other's flaws
    3. Communication - need not be verbal, sometimes actions speak louder than words
    4. Respect for each other's families. Respect does not equal letting your IL's mistreat you just because you are the DIL.
    5. Encouraging and supporting each other's goals and ambitions.
    6. Understanding that DH+DW are a team and that's how the rest of the world should perceive/treat them.
     
    1 person likes this.
  8. maya69

    maya69 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    227
    Likes Received:
    288
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    In addition to all the pointers given....I would say...unmarried persons should read this forum at IL.:thumbsup......its an eye opener and to learn from it. Clearly shows that marraige takes a lot of effort and emotional investment.
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,862
    Likes Received:
    5,086
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    In arranged marriages....
    Even though you feel everything is right about the partner and get hints that the SIL is a hard nut to crack then do back off........
    A daughter is mostly a mother's image.. its just that the mother may have externally mellowed down over 30 yrs however the child remains in her. Also when two of them get together they really tango .. which is not a music.

    Avoid over gelled families.. their foundations are already/ fully layed and the bride is just an embellishment / plastering on the building.. which can be changed anytime.
    Only way to have a successful foundation in such cases is to dig at a separate place where DW and DH can together be a part of foundation.
     
  10. ilite

    ilite Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    211
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you all for the posts. Agree with Srividya's way of helping her family members. When DH and I were newly married and being the first generation working couple, it was hard for us to understand how to conduct our lives. We would react to things and then ponder over if what we did is right or wrong. This ability to look and identify our own mistakes kept us going. Also, there were a few elderly working couple that helped us get past the initial hiccups, which if we left unresolved would have resulted in a disaster.

    pmahensa - I'm going to create a document and list together all pointers and share the document with all, maya- lovely suggestion (hope they view the threads in a non-biased manner and it does more good than harm) . Shilpama-'Only way to have a successful foundation in such cases is to dig at a separate place where DW and DH can together be a part of foundation.' - how do newly weds make this happen?

    In my example, since the person more at guilt (larger issues) is the dear one's husband not her, how do we get them to realize their mistake. If it is our family member , we can do it much more easily.

    What Dr. K said 'All said life is always different when living undersame roof than courtship / love' and tridev 'Still there is no full proof marriage...because as times change we all change...' said is very true, but for the major issues, can't we somehow intervene and make the couple realize and give them a third person's perspective to resolve issues than to continue in a bad marriage or divorce.

    regards
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2010

Share This Page