Forgiving

Dear Vaidehi,

In fact, it is overwhelming response and support I get for my snippets that excites me. I can't thank you enough for your kind appreciation.

I am in total agreement with you that it is not easy to forgive and forget the resentment we feel emotionally because of the actions or words of others. But once I understand I hurt myself more from the resentment than hurting that particular person, I begin the process of forgiving. Like you, I have experienced similar resentments in life that were severe. But life taught me that resentment doesn't fix the person who caused it but it hurts my own spiritual growth and development.

Forgiving doesn't mean that we are doing a favor to someone who hurt us badly but we are doing it for our own benefit. In fact, there is no need to convey our forgiving act to that person. There is nothing who can help us achieve peace of mind than ourselves and our attitude.

We all go through tough times in life but why should we allow someone to destroy our growth and development? We should be the boss. Moreover, if we delve in the resentment so much, we deliver an indirect victory to the person who hurt us as their purpose is to hurt our growth and development.

Viswa

 

Dear Smt. Jayasala:

Every time, I read your snippet and response to my snippet, I get richer in knowledge. The content of your posts reviews the subject both at worldly level as well as subtle level. It is a very hard subject to understand leave alone writing about it. It is much more complex than what we could comprehend.

There is no doubt in my mind that intensity of hurtful actions vary from a very simple verbal remark about skin color, behavior, appearance, marriage, spouse or children to major issues like rape, acid attack, murder, character assassination, etc. It is true the person who is facing resentment needs a lot of time and effort to heal him/herself. Forgiving and forgetting is an intense effort and it takes time. That is why I mentioned that 85% of our time is spent in reaction than receipt and response.

I agree with you that forgiving doesn't mean trusting that person again nor there is a need to even communicate the forgiveness to the person concerned. It is about our own personal growth and development. If the resentment is going to deeply hurt our own growth and development, why should we linger in that thought for a life time?

Actually forgiveness is not for judging whether a person is good or bad and it is for making the heart lighter inside and achieve peace. By giving up on forgiving, we deliberately make the person who caused the hurt to succeed. Healing can take time but it should be accomplished for our own self good. In fact, we have noticed Sonia Gandhi visiting her husband's killer to find out some answers and closure in her mind, but in my opinion it is enough if she could forgive them and move on without allowing that emotion to hinder her growth and development. Even in the US, recently 9 black people were killed by a young man because of the color of the skin and when the court met for the first time to indict him, family members of all victims spoke in the court forgiving the person who hurt their nearest and dearest. It doesn't have to be rushed but it definitely brings a great sense of relief to the people affected. There should be no pressure on the people affected to forgive and it should be voluntary. In my view, forgiveness is not to give comfort to those who hurt us but to comfort ourselves from the resentment. Seeking someone to be released from the crime is not forgiving. Forgiving should be to find peace in our heart so that such act doesn't hinder our growth. The law will have to take its own course and that is a right thing we need to do for those victims.

In the US, there are several studies carried out in jails by psychologists as the US has most prisoners in the world than any other country. They all came to the uniform conclusion that a major step towards making it into a correctional facility is not only to enforce the punishment but also make them aware that once they face the punishment, they can consider themselves relieved out of their sinful act. Teaching them to forgive themselves is the great step as most of the prisoners suffer from pricking of their own conscience. There are a few exceptions who never regret their actions.

Forgiving should include forgiving ourselves and forgiving others as well. It should be to establish peace in our heart more than exonerating the one who created that resentment in us.

Viswa

 

Dear Sri,

Thank you for your response and appreciation. In my view, the best way for us to defeat the will of those who are trying to hurt us is to show that we are unaffected by their hurtful act. But it is difficult for someone honest to act that way unless they really forgive them internally. Once we understand forgiving is not for the benefit of others and it is for our own good and to achieve peace inside of us, it becomes easier.

Viswa

 

Dear Joyoflife,

Thank you for your response and appreciation. I feel better after knowing what I am suffering from. At least now, my pain is justified by the physicians. I am on a prolonged medical treatment in the form of medication and if necessary, a Laser treatment later as a last resort.

Don't be too hard on yourself as many of us are not forgiving quickly either at young age. I am so happy to hear that your daughter brought some pleasant feeling in you to forgive others quickly.

My theory is very similar to what you have nicely articulated. We can't control what others can say or do and all we can control is our reaction to it. I am against carrying resentment in my heart because it hurts me more than hurting the person who caused it. It doesn't mean I eliminate it right away. It has to go through a due process inside of me to achieve peace. My bad reactions cause more conflicts in my mind than before. Forgiving helps me achieve peace inside of me whether I communicate it with the person concerned or not.

We get humbled everyday from the trouble and tribulations we face in day to day life. The ill behavior of others is part of this. I am not here to judge them but to make myself comfortable in whatever environment I am given to work with. My growth and development stands a priority over my need to communicate others' fault. I can say it once for benefiting them and if they don't listen, then, it is their journey and not mine. Even if I make a mistake, I should repent and seek forgiveness but after that I should be able to forgive myself and move on in life.

Viswa

 

Dear Cheeniya Sir,

It is the other way round. IL is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I meet so many knowledgeable people who can make the difference in my life. More than writing my post, I enjoy reading the responses I get from ILites. They bring so many different angles to the problem. I feel it is like cutting the diamond into so many shapes and finally having a look through the main face of the diamond and see that it glitters. Smt. Jayasala is the greatest gift that has happened to IL and her snippets and responses complete what is left unsaid in IL. Moreover, the amount of encouragement I get to write here is truly overwhelming.

I couldn't agree more with you on what you said about forgiving should not be considered as a weakness and encouragement to do it again and say sorry afterwards. Resistance should be built not to make ourselves vulnerable. I look at forgiving as an internal exercise to put our mind at rest as our reaction to the hurtful words or actions impacts us the most. It is most likely that others do such harmful actions out of jealousy to suck the energy out of us to create a huddle for our growth and development. By yielding to that, we may indirectly feed success in their heart to try it out more. Frankly, being unaffected by the pain caused to us is the best way to show the door to those who act in a harmful way. The worst thing that could happen to us is an implosion that resentment could cause internally depriving us from our self-confidence and enthusiasm.

Thank you for sharing the poem.

Viswa

 

Dear Sabitha,

Thank you for your response. I am delighted to know that your DH is a great fan of Dr.Dyer and at least we have already identified one common subject we can talk about if we get to meet each other. I haven't read all of his books but did get a chance to read a few of his books. He has the ability to elevate people through his books. He talks passionately about joining the super highway of energy that already exists in this world by our effort and the rest will take care of itself.

I agree forgiving is some what connected with our sense of self and what we believe as righteousness, but forgiving most importantly tied with peace. In my view, the idea of forgiving has nothing to do with exonerating the harm committed by someone but to arrest the resentment in us that could hurt our self-confidence and enthusiasm in life. The resentment is an emotional reaction to what has happened and doesn't go away even if we settle score with that person. It will go away not by an external effort but our own internal effort. Even though forgiving our close friends and family is difficult but it is very important to do so.

Thank you for sharing Richard Bach's quote. It might be hard to remove negative attachments but when we think of harm it could cause to us in the long run, we can understand the importance of that effort. It is a thought created by our own reactive emotion after all and with control of mind, we can eliminate it.

We learn so much from the teachings of these stalwarts and what is heartening to know is that we all read them because there is some sense of righteousness in us to conduct a meaningful life. It doesn't matter who the messiah is but the interest to learn their teachings and the habit to assimilate and practice them makes a big difference in our lives.

Viswa