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Forgiving

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Viswamitra, Sep 12, 2015.

  1. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Forgiving is an interesting topic to discuss,and as usual Shri Viswa has done awesome job and has open minded discussion.forgiving has wider angles and much more corners than meets the normal eye.



    It is not very easy to forgive and more difficult to forget the wrong doings.Normally we think of insults, hurting remarks, cheating, preparing fake documents over property issues etc.We are worried about not being invited or about remarks over dark complexion, failure in exam, delay in getting job or getting married or issue of
    issuelessness.



    But there are more severe issues like rapes, acid attacks, murder for gain or revenge or causing irrepairable damage to life, prestige etc for a simple 'intercaste marriage'.



    It is very nice to forgive,forget and resume the relationship as though nothing has happened.But everyone needs sometime ,some space to get healed and forgiveness cannot be rushed through so easily.

    .

    Once you've had some time to sort through your emotions, you can identify what it is exactly that hurt you so much.Now it may be easy to forgive.


    But it is important to differentiate between forgiveness and trusting someone again, You may even forgive those who committed a crime against you, but still believe they should be punished.

    The question is how much you’ve been personally harmed and what’s at stake for you
    or the society in future,.It depends, also, if we have something to gain by interacting with the person or business again.

    .

    Under ordinary family circumstances forgiving and forgetting may not be an issue at all, because it runs round some angry remarks or physical hurts.

    But in an institution,errors of competence can definitely be forgiven and not those of character and integrity.This will set up a wrong precedence.



    Just because one feels highly relieved of tension and pressure and it gives a relief and peace of mind, process of forgiving need not be or should not be recommended.


    .

    Many researchers and psychologists opine that it is wrong to assume that forgiveness is always the right answer and that someone who failed to offer forgiveness is “not a good person or a mentally healthy person.”

    “It’s a good thing and a blessed thing to forgive, but it is not an absolute universal truth. Saying that people should automatically be forgiven doesn’t do justice to different moralities and different psychologies.”


    Forgiving an offense too quickly or too readily may just paper over the offense and leave it to fester.It has become common in politics that celebrities are above human and above law.




    When one is affected by loss of precious lives and your life has been totally altered and devasted,and you have lost your whole identity --it is extremely difficult just to forgive and proceed-where?--notwithstanding volumes of instructions to forgive and forget.


    On many occasions the victims are pressurised to forgive,or otherwise face worse consequences..They are banished from the family unit. So victims can lose their families, their children, and are even threatened with their souls if they can’t find a way to forgive. They are trapped once again and criminals flourish with the crimes.What law is this!



    There is no second opinion as to'forgiveness is divine' and it gives lot of comfort and solace and brings positivity in life.



    But it is our moral and social responsibility to ensure that forgiveness,though with good intention,does not nourish the bigger crime at home, office or society.Forgiveness can never be considered as having justified the mistake.



    Viswa,

    Sorry for the long response.I just shared what I felt.The karmic theory that all the mistakes and sins committed will be properly accounted for in their next lives,should not be an attributory factor for forgiving one and all.

    Then there may not be any necessity of rules of conduct and penal clauses.



    Jayasala 42
     
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  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Surekha,

    Thank you for responding to this post. Absolutely correct that forgiveness brings peace of mind. It is not about someone's character but about us that matters. Actually, it is our reaction to what is being said that hurts us the most. When we have grudge against someone and try to settle it by being harsh to them, in addition to original ill feeling, we add one more pain by our own flawed character.

    As you rightly pointed out, I wrote this whole snippet from our own mind's point of view. In the scenario you described, a friend accusing you of a mistake you never did, is a typical example. Even though you know that you are not at fault, her refusal to understand the truth bothered you until you decided to let that thought go out of your mind by forgiving.

    I always believe that even God doesn't expect us to worship Him and He only expects us to lead an ideal and purposeful life helping the living beings created by Him. The best way to pay tribute to someone is to practice their teachings.

    Viswa
     
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  3. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear jskls,

    First of all, my sincere thanks for visiting this post and giving your invaluable response. I understand and appreciate the hurtful emotions created inside in response to such inhuman act. But it happened a decade ago and what is bothering now is the reaction to such act that happened so far back in life. Having suffered such inhuman acts against me, I have experienced similar emotions myself. But letting it go, really helped me to achieve peace inside of me. Forgiving is not for the benefit of the ones who caused hurt feelings but it is for my own benefit. In my humble opinion, the hurtful feeling causes more damage to me than the person who hurt me.

    When we throw a stone in the pond, it would create a ripple in the pond. But after the impact is long gone, the water in the pond will be crystal clear until something falls again into the pond to create another ripple. It is only affecting the surface of the water in the pond and not the water deep inside. Our mind should be like a deep sea and not the shoreline that is agitated with waves. We don't want to have others set our agenda and we came for our own reasons. Hating others is not going to help us in our spiritual progress.

    Viswa
     
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  4. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Akanksha,

    Thank you for visiting this post and sharing the wonderful Hindi song. In hindsight, this subject would have been better written by you with a lot of sense of humor and invaluable lessons from Bhagavad Gita. There isn't a day pass by without me admiring your snippets. I look to read more and more snippets from you. I am thankful to you for encouraging me to write here.

    Viswa
     
  5. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Sir,

    A very beautiful explanation as to why we shouldn't react.

    I have also been following this, but due to a different reason. The person who actually hurts us does this deliberately. When we react back, their hatred on us only increases and leads to more hurt words from them. So to avoid this, I give them the benefit of having succeeded by hurting me so that the emotion doesn't turn more negative towards me.
     
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  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Vijiakka,

    I am truly privileged to have you visit my snippet when your own snippet is exploding with so many feedback and you are busy responding to all of them. You are very practical in pointing out the questions relating to "When are you getting married?" or asking a question after the wedding, "Is there a good news?" asked by a few. Some of them do it unknowingly and some do it knowingly to hurt. I remember going through this period when I was just married. In such situations only one thing I remember is Jesus' statement, "Forgive them, they not know what they do".

    When people are intentionally trying to hurt someone's life to make it difficult, the only sensible thing to do is to become stronger and continue to make the very life better that they are trying to spoil. That determination will convey the message to them and make them give up. Certainly, I am not preaching here but sharing my own experience.

    In developing trait to forgive, the most important part is to learn to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes. That is definitely a confidence building measure to develop our own character. Those who languish on their own fault would find it hard to build a flawless character.

    Viswa
     
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  7. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Hello Viswa sir

    As usual a very nice post. I hope your health is better now. I was very bad at forgiving and forgetting. On the lighter note thanks to my daughter. I think after her birth I have lost my memory, I have become very forgetful so that is making my life easy.

    Before I used to feel that we have negative people and negative expereinces in our life because of bad karma in previous life but now I have started to feel that we have people with indifferences in our life to see the extent to which we can love, to push our boundaries of compassion and to make us more humble. I think like children God also likes to push our limits. Still sometimes it feels really hard when I put things into actual practice. I feel Sometimes things, people and experience are out of our control and we have no better answer than that it must be Gods will so be it. This one has started to work for me or at least makes things easy to take.

    Regards
     
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  8. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    My dear Viswa
    I should say that you are the best thing that has happened to IL. Your threads written in simple and lucid style are a boon to the members of younger generation in IL. Your stature as a benevolent writer is increasing by leaps and bounds. Your threads read with the FBs of jayasala make the picture complete.

    Forgiving is easier said than done according to many. Forgiving is also fraught with risk as jayasala says. Note her words: 'But it is our moral and social responsibility to ensure that forgiveness,though with good intention,does not nourish the bigger crime at home, office or society.Forgiveness can never be considered as having justified the mistake.' Forgiving is a virtue that has to be practised with caution. It should not be seen as our vulnerability. I have heard people say of those who are liberal with forgiving that they can be handled with ease with just a 'I am sorry'

    Having said that, anger and spite can ruin our life if kept within and nurtured for long. I remember William Blake's The Poison Tree which I read in my school days. It is worth repeating the poem here:

    I was angry with my friend;
    I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
    I was angry with my foe:
    I told it not, my wrath did grow.


    And I waterd it in fears,
    Night & morning with my tears:
    And I sunned it with smiles,
    And with soft deceitful wiles.


    And it grew both day and night.
    Till it bore an apple bright.
    And my foe beheld it shine,
    And he knew that it was mine.


    And into my garden stole,
    When the night had veild the pole;
    In the morning glad I see;
    My foe outstretched beneath the tree.
    Sri
     
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  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Syamala,

    Thank you for your feedback. Forgiving ourselves is the most difficult but it is the most important trait for spiritual growth. We have to regret, apologize, etc. for our behavior but we should learn to forgive ourselves. Forgiving others will come naturally if we learn to forgive ourselves. Mistake is human and learning to forgive others helps us achieve peace inside of us and move towards our divine consciousness.

    Viswa
     
  10. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Smt.Gitasharma:

    Thank you for your response and appreciation. We feel betrayed in love when the close family hurts us and hence it is difficult to forgive when we have to deal with a problem of close family. However, it is more important to resolve it quickly so that it doesn't hinder our spiritual growth through our reactions to their behavior.

    I have been in the situation of being hurt by close family members. I have tried hurting back in my learning process. However, it only creates further agitation in my mind conflicting with my love for them besides carrying the legacy of what they did earlier. Life taught me that retaliation doesn't help but forgiving does. If the purpose of someone's action to hurt is intended to arrest our growth, by succumbing to that emotion, we make them succeed. On the contrary, if we are unaffected by their action, we defeat their purpose. Forgetting doesn't help to remove that thought but forgiving does it for us.

    Understanding our mind is the most difficult exercise in our spiritual growth. If it is like a pond with no agitation in the surface, it is easier to look deep into that pond of mind. Stones will be thrown into that pond and we had to make sure the surface agitation settles quickly so that we can see deep inside.

    With your knowledge and experience, I am very confident that you would never give up and eventually succeed. It does not mean I am already there and I am evolving through the lessons life teaches me every day.

    Viswa
     

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