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Forgiving In Laws

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Ruby2019, Dec 26, 2020.

  1. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Being a man, it is difficult for me to comprehend what you are going through. However, having supported my spouse who went through a similar situation after our marriage, I am able to relate to what you are experiencing.

    It is hard to get over what you had experienced and the disappointment you are encountering as opposed to the expectation to lead a normal happy life after marriage. It is unfortunate many marriages, if not all, bring more sadness to women than happiness.

    It is very important that you don't give up discussing what you are experiencing with your husband no matter how less supportive he is. One clear way you can overcome this ordeal is when you establish a channel to communicate your ordeal with someone who is with you. Even if you go to the therapist, he/she was going to say that your husband should be on your side listening to you patiently. Even if your husband doesn't say anything and just listen, that would be a big relief for you instead of walking away when you were about to say something. If the therapist asks you to take medicines, please make sure you intensify your activities as these medicines add a lot of weight which in turn will bring down your self-confidence and morale.

    I am so glad you have understood the situation well and would like to make yourself better instead of correcting the people who would never make an attempt to correct themselves. It is my humble view that it is not the words said by them that affect you but how your mind reacts to it that has a profound impact on your well-being. You can always refuse to accept what they say and build that self-confidence in you that there is nothing wrong with you.

    There are three aspects to what we experience. You have a choice to receive the words of others or not. You can reject it at the time of receipt itself. That is what we need to do if the words are hostile for no reason. The second stage is a reaction. When you expand this reaction, you hurt yourself more. Try to curtail your reaction by distancing the inlaws in your mind. The third stage is the response. Please use the response moderately only for the words that separate you from your husband. All other chatter you can ignore as wasted energy from your inlaws.

    Another important piece of advice I give you is as you cry or don't respond, those who constantly hurt you are emboldened and realize that they have achieved what they wanted to achieve. More you demonstrate that their words have no impact on you, they will get frustrated. Don't doubt once that there could be truth in what they were saying. Have self-confidence. If I were you, I will consider myself first, my husband next, and distance the inlaws to the third stage. Your inner feeling that they are close to you is what creates the hurt in you.

    Many ILites have given wonderful suggestions here. I have read all of them and feel that they have provided great advice to you. Remember, your well-being is the #1 priority for you. You have a right to be happy which is what we all pursue in life.

    It is my humble view that you need to forgive them inside of you but no need to communicate that to anyone. Forgiving facilitates healing faster when forgetting is difficult. But it is not easy. I am in complete agreement with @DDream's statement above that it doesn't mean what they did to you is right but you decided to move on to make your life happier.

    My best wishes to you.
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2021
    Vaikuntha, SCA, Madhurima21 and 2 others like this.
  2. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    @Viswamitra Sir, a lot of wisdom in there! :worship2:
    Viswamitra likes this.
  3. Novalis

    Novalis Gold IL'ite

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    Don't treat my response as authoritative instruction promoting triumph to your agony. More like what are others doing, what are alternative forms of perception, that style of reflective post.
    Even to something as disconcerting as above, the afterthought varies in severity:

    (1) Kya kamaal ki jeez hoon main for mumsy to walkie walkie away when I am talkie talkie to her (self-deprecation)
    (2) Matthashree ekdam ajooba hai to count the wings of the fan when I am talking to her (amusement)
    (3) Such a delight bordering on ceiling asana in neck yoga (sarcasm)
    (4) She's mysterious (curiosity)
    (5) Why does she do this to me (hurt, indignity, humiliation, shame, pudeur)

    Nothing disorderly in feeling hurt as that sensibility is as natural as any known reaction. However, if you are obsessed about that hurt, orient yourself to other forms of cultivated perceptions which might ease your unrest. The same incident could be perceived to your gratification as deprecation or amusement in your inner voice. No hard rule to sense indignity. You could be as uncritical of other's inattentiveness of you. Practise levity!

    Steer those imaginary conversations to alternative sensibilities which don't seek humane insights. Keep them facetious in your inward inquiry. If you are unreasonably relapsing to #5, force yourself to pursue lesser sentience as listed.

    Hurt and grievance are sometimes fine indicators to bargain our esteem with others, to renegotiate our standing with them, until the fulfilment and pleasure from that interactive approach outweighs the sense of loss induced by the original rancour. Thereafter, any wrested dignity must be forfeited in favour of sustainable models of self-worth, hence the lesser sentience (1-4), to deprecate that hard-won attention esp. from a disoriented ceiling-gazing mil.
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2021
    Vaikuntha, Viswamitra and Laks09 like this.
  4. Sony23

    Sony23 Senior IL'ite

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    My MIL is also like that, from day 1 she is jealous, manipulative, in front if son she cries and blames me for everything but in reality she is a witch, she interferes too much but dear I realized that I was wasting time on a buddhi, now I never talk to her, I do my own thing I stay happy with my kids because their opinion about you is not going to change so live your life and ignore the old lady..I even record my MiL when she verbally abuses me and show to my husband but she is shameless never will change..so just enjoy , don't think too much about her, praying to God helps also plz plz take time out for yourself ..life is Beautiful dont waste it bcoz some buddhi who wants attention.ignore...ignore..be happy.More you think about it more it will hurt..I understand it's easier said than done but keep yourself busy and be happy.
    SCA likes this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello @Ruby2019
    Others have given you valuable suggestions here.
    Here are my two cents....

    I've been in your shoes, experienced all these pains & agony. Reached out to therapist, yoga & meditation to pick up the pieces & build myself again.
    Here i am today, living & leading a much more stable marriage life.

    First of all, you must accept your in laws as who they are. I have accepted mine & I am clear that they are none other than living evils on earth.
    It pains a lot when you see your siblings, cousins and friends have much more decent in laws, but yours is not. But that's how it is.
    There are DILs with worst in laws too, and you are one of them.
    Acceptance makes the problems look much simpler.

    Secondly, what is your problem about them being bad in laws?
    The world is a mixture of good & bad people. We have no escape but to live with them. Just that, we have control over our reactions to whatever others do to us.
    If your MIL being rude, ignore.
    I wouldn't worry about the rudeness of a passerby. And i consider my MIL like a mere passerby.

    What is important?
    If you want to be happy in your marriage, it is important that you must be happy and you keep your spouse happy.
    Don't ever bring in laws issues between your relationship. Always prioritize your spouse in life.
    If he is carried away with MIL's influence, you must have a open chat with him firmly.

    But more importantly, you must position yourself in the marriage as an equal/powerful partner to be heard whenever you voice your concerns.
    A decent job, stable bank balance, a good supportive system(siblings, relatives, friends or colleagues to go to) and more importantly self confidence are must to have that position in life.
    This way, you can make your husband see your point & respect it.
    SCA likes this.

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