Forgiving each other in a marriage

poovai · Apr 3, 2015

In general, I am NOT a serious type and very flexible. But, if I decided to take a stand, I can be very stubborn. I had given hard times to my DH.

docathome · Apr 3, 2015

I feel forgiving your spouse in a marriage where you are treated with love and mutual respect is not very difficult cos then he is like your best friend. Differences of opinions and misubderstanding s do happen. We may end up hurting each other but when you feel your spouse really loves you and respects you, it is not very difficult to forgive and move on. I don't find it difficult to forgive my husband cos I know though he may have hurt me, its not something he would have intended to do and on explaining to him my viewpoint he would be sorry too.. And I do also unintentinally hurt him at times and do need forgiveness too. And he forgives me too..

But my grand dad never treated my grand mom with love or respect, he never hit her or abandoned her but that's not the only reason to be unforgiving. He always belittled her cos she was a high school dropout( she got married!) Calling her uneducated and don't often take her opinion in making any decisions cos she was an 'uneducated villager'.. And he never showed her any love.. He gave her food and shelter and she cooked for him and looked after the kids.. But is that enough between a husband and wife.. He passed away many years ago but she still hasn't forgiven him and is still very bitter when she talks about him.. I think forgiving someone who doesn't even consider your feelings and takes you for granted all your life takes a lot of kindness.. And is not easy..besides she didn't really have N option to assert herself cos she was not earning and had to be dependent on him..

Laks09 · Apr 5, 2015

@yellowmango - Do you think it gets easier over time? Maybe like @docathome mentioned, over time, people build a strong basic relationship and it doesn't become too difficult to overlook, forget, forgive and move on. When there isn't a good relationship then it becomes a problem.

@hrastro - Thanks for elaborating your POV. Those are some very good tips. I do think putting ego aside becomes really hard at times but its a team, a give and take. It's very easy to forget that.
@redruby has a very valid point when she states we need to remember we are in this together. Don't we tell our kids often that we aren't their enemies but rather their biggest well wishers? We need to keep remembering the same about our spouses in times of conflicts!

Laks09 · Apr 5, 2015

@vanithasudhir - That golden quality of yours where you cannot hold grudges, I'm not sure how it is a bad thing. It's a very nice quality to have. Letting go is good for us. When we hold onto things, we harm ourselves the most. Isn't it Buddha who said something akin to "Holding onto a burning piece of coal to throw it at the person who hurt you is only going to hurt you more". Letting go and being at peace is truly a great quality.

Laks09 · Apr 5, 2015

@jskls - That's a great point you have made. Forgiving isn't for someone you love. It's for other people. Maybe I should have made my subject line as letting go and not holding onto things! I do think it's a good thing to move on once an argument is over.

Rihana · Apr 5, 2015

yellowmango said: ↑

Two decades into marriage...except infidelity,everything else is forgivable.
Click to expand...

Heh heh I typed up a long post, lost it and then saw this succinct one line summary of the same.

Yes, as the years go by, one gains perspective, and actions or inactions by significant other don't bother as much. Maybe one becomes philosophical, wiser or there are other bigger worries and milestones, achievements to focus on.

For women in particular, I would suggest these few things in the first decade of marriage -
Never bring up a past quarrel. A common mistake by the female gender.
Think of your own 'faults' - are you picky about house being clean, about vacations...
Don't hold husband responsible for his family's faults.

Have at least one friend who is a bit wiser than you. Who will put sense into your head when you are really really pissed off with something, while still letting you vent.

Laks09 · Apr 5, 2015

@Rihana - Yes, as the years go by those very important issues do become insignificant! I sometimes feel I've become a different person, lost my "true" vision in the chaos of day to day life!
Btw, I have seen my Dad bring up years old issues into quarrels(seriously). So I'm not sure its a women only thing.

Have a friend other than the ones here on IL? I never had one that was that way IRL

Btw, I really wish you get your long post restored. I'd love to read your pearls of wisdom..

Viswamitra · Apr 5, 2015

I think it is inevitable for two human beings to disagree more so in case of spouses as they are tied in a matrimony. Conceptually, if there is love between the spouses, forgiving and forgetting becomes easier. However, in reality, forgiving and forgetting is much more complex. It is hard for anyone to forgive and forget especially when there is violation of trust. Infidelity, physical abuse, etc. are some examples.

Most often, the issues are very trivial in one's eye while it is grave for the other. In a very few situations, one commits mistakes that are unpardonable to the other. In my view, everyone born in this world have positives and negatives. Circumstances make them commit some grave errors. Correction facilities are created only for this purpose. We have to understand forgiving and forgetting one's action is the greatest punishment of all. When one forgives the other for violation of trust, the other experiences a loss of self worth and bruised ego.

The moment the act of forgiving takes place, it becomes a burden in the heart of the person who committed the mistake. The sufferer becomes free from the hurt feeling. One who understand this can forgive and forget easily. At the same time, one should understand that forgiving someone repeatedly for the same grave mistake is insanity. The habitual offender will no longer feel the loss of self worth and it will not release the hurt feeling of the one who suffered.

Viswa

preethiitech · Apr 5, 2015

we do for give each other.. But some times one of us isvery angry or something like that, we have a pact signed..

The angry person or the one who ccan't forgive has to wash the car. So by the time the car is vacuumed soaped and washed, we get tired and also loose the anger. The other usually pitches out to help and we reunite as a team forgetting the past..

yellowmango · Apr 5, 2015

Laks09 said: ↑

@yellowmango - Do you think it gets easier over time? Maybe like @docathome mentioned, over time, people build a strong basic relationship and it doesn't become too difficult to overlook, forget, forgive and move on. When there isn't a good relationship then it becomes a problem.
Click to expand...

Oh yes...definitely gets easier with time.My husband is a compulsive critic.
He just can't help it.
It is like an itch that he has to scratch.When I was newly married...every critique would result in a lump in the throat and a tiny heart break. That was the bane of my life. I spent so much time trying to get his complete appreciation for the stuff I did....and I was a full blown art and craft ,DIY wife and mom.Slowly I realized he appreciates me and my work but is just a slave to his what I can only call disorder..

Now I just do stuff and don't bother.....half way through the critique....I or my daughters are already on the next topic.Now he is like an over grown child (when he is in his critical mood) who needs to be half heard and half ignored.If he feels bad....his favorite food makes him cheerful again.

As time passes....you tend to look at the fullness of the glass rather than the emptiness.....and now I see him as a glass that is almost full......anything more would make life boring.:coffeeWe need the difference to keep the spice and the tadka in life.