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Forgiving each other in a marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Laks09, Apr 3, 2015.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Dear ILites,
    As a continuation to our series on http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/249510-building-positivity-married-life-forum.html, I would like to invite suggestions on how partners can effectively forgive each other's transgressions and move forward.

    Personally, I think forgiving anyone is hard work. When it comes to a spouse, it becomes even harder. Sometimes, the lapses are not easy to put aside and move forward and yet I'm sure being able to do that makes relationships stronger. I don't think by forgiving, we are compromising or being taken for granted.

    What do each of you think about getting over issues and putting the past away? How do you think spouses can forgive each other effectively? Is there anything your partner has done to help you forgive him/her and move on or vice versa? Do you have any tips for those who find it hard to let go and let bygones be bygones?

    Please share.
     
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  2. RedRuby

    RedRuby Platinum IL'ite

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    Very interesting thread. I totally agree that forgiving has nothing to do with weakness. It is more a strength to beliefe as it requires to put away ego and (immature?!) feelings of revenge We try to make it a point that if one appologizes the other one isnt repeating to get out the incedent or feeling superior due to the aplogy, i beliefe that would stop the aplogetic person from future admitting to mistakes. My husband is recently quit stressed and realises he doesnt behave always as one would wish so he goes out and gets some things i like (specific food items, sweets, take away dinner) or helps me out another way to make it up.. the first time i didnt realise what he was doing and was acting still a bit distanced, i asked him dont you feel a tiny little bit ashamed as you missbehaved? He replied with a sad face dont you realise i wouldnt do all this havoc now if i wont? Sometimes people dont just apologise with words, sometimes they do with actions and sometimes those actions mean more then a simple sorry....

    Edit: My apology strategy is a good old back massage....:biggrin2:

    I just rememberd that my husband told me yesterday that he loves about me that no matter how we discuss, fight, agree or dissagree when it comes to sticking together and supporting each other i will be next second there for him, even after shouting-match. He is right, thats i deeply beliefe the basis of a marriage - forgive and forget, choose your fights wisely, dont take it to heart, and never forget to build a team no matter what be strong together (thats atleast what i try)
     
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  3. hrastro

    hrastro Finest Post Winner

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    Well I don't know if I would ever tolerate physical abuse or infidelity, so even if I forgive (for my own peace of mind), the relationship would have broken for good.

    But I'm sure you are talking about Forgiving and staying together in a marriage!

    So in the below discussion - I'm assuming that ABUSE and INFIDELITY are ruled out !

    This is NOT from my own experiences, but from the many people who come to me for emotional support when they have issues in their marriage !

    There are so many times when we expect support from our spouse and it is not forthcoming. You tell them specifically - this is what you need - and still the next time the same thing happens. We tell them - I need this kind of support when this person is around or this kind of incident happens or this kind of issue comes up!

    Over time when many of these incidents add up, we remember only the negativity, the marriage becomes a "living together for kids sake" - with so much history of pain, anger, frustration and unfulfilled expectations!

    So how do you move forward !

    1) Recognize that forgiving is the only way to have your own peace - else you'll brood brood and brood and not do anything productive. Anger is the fire you light for someone else, but you are the one that gets burned.
    If you dont want peace for yourself, no need to read further :)

    2) Recognize emotional drama over reality -
    Drama - "You dont care about me so you did not back me up"
    Reality - "I didnt realize that you needed my support, you were laughing/smiling, so I thought you were enjoying there" OR "My attention was elsewhere"

    Drama - "He/She doesnt care about me"
    Reality - "My smiling face is the culprit - I should get his/her attention and clearly speak out exactly what I want"

    3) Realize that there IS some love and care !
    Does he ask you everyday if you're doing fine, is his behavior gentlemanly with you, does he get your favorite things, does she make your favorite things, does she remember your special days !

    Does he/she do a ONE SINGLE thing that you can consider REMOTELY as LOVE !
    Hold on to that thought and build on it!

    When you are not wearing those spectacles of "He/she doesnt care for me", a lot of positive instances start showing through !
    Keep adding them up.

    4) Talk talk talk talk ! Understand where your spouse is coming from !
    Some insecurity of their remote childhood may be the driving force - but the result can be converted to a positive or a negative force - for instance - if someone had been poor in their childhood, they generally have a lot of ambition in their career !
    If someone's parents had a bad marriage, the spouse may not have the right methods of conflict resolution! Then you have to train them!

    5) Keep your own confidence levels high ! Have clarity that you are a talented unique person made by God to be a part of this world and He has made you because you are special ! You are NOT defined by other people's perceptions, not even your spouse's perceptions !

    6) Open up and Tell your spouse - "This was something I held against you ! But I want us to stay together because I love you and you also seem to do things that show that you love me.
    I forgive you for our peace. Please do the same yourself."

    7) Do things together, spend time together ! Smile at each other, tell good things about each other - do it as an exercise! And let it become a habit.
    Spend at least 10 minutes to talk openly in private - do encourage each other how well you both are doing and do state calmly the incidents where you had disagreed !
    "You did not handle that incident well - you could have kept silent and told me later "
    "I needed your help at that point, but your attention was elsewhere and you were too far to call"
    "You once again disagreed with me in front of daughter/son - we need to be a team for the child's good"

    8) Understand that whatever we do - everything is maya - nothing is eternal ! We all live and we all die and we are just some insignificant 1 part in 10 to the power 27 parts, the size of the universe (10 followed by 27 zeros)!

    Hopefully this will lead to forgiveness ! But will it lead to happiness and bliss ?? Depends on how the couple takes it forward !!!
     
    19 people like this.
  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Yes, I was talking about forgiving and staying together. It doesn't have to be big issues, even small things can build up if not dealt with properly.

    I don't know if I would tolerate abuse of any kind either! But here are a few thoughts I have -

    1) If you truly forgive a spouse and move on, I feel there shouldn't be any lingering resentments. The past shouldn't come up afterwards. It shouldn't lead to distrust and expectations of repeat offenses.

    2) Things like physical abuse that is repetitive in nature isn't something that I can forgive. To forgive a lapse, the issue has to be in the past. It has to be something that isn't going to occur again. If not, it's just a cycle of abuse.

    These are just my thoughts.
     
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  5. VanithaSudhir

    VanithaSudhir Platinum IL'ite

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    @laks09.. Inspired by the 'Slap' post ? ha ha ha

    Jokes Apart. It is very important to forgive each other and also forget unpleasant memories for a successful marriage.
    We forgive our parents / Siblings very easily, though we would have more episodes of fights and disagreements with them. We would hardly remember those incidents also.
    Forgive/Forget is out of question, when it comes to our children.:)

    But yes, when it comes to spouse, it is hard to forgive/forget. Maybe it is because we consider them our better halves and expect them to behave exactly the way we behave. When there is a deviation from that half of us, we get annoyed and find it difficult to forgive the 'misbehavior' of our other half. :)

    I never hold any grudge (irrespective of whether it is my DH or anyone). I always talk to my DH, if I am hurt by something that he does or says. I am not perfect in my conversations. I do create a melodrama :). But it has to go out of my heart. He has a big heart and does forgive me. :)

    My DH is not very vocal, if he is hurt . But I can always make out by his behavior and pester him until he opens up. I believe it is important for a person to vent out his feelings/anger so that he/she can forgive and move on.

    We both do apologize to each other without judging the incident, irrespective of whomever is right or wrong, because either one of us is hurt by the other. We forgive, forget and let it go. We do refer to some incidents to taunt/ tease each other in future...but not in a serious way.

    My DH always apologizes by placing 'Sorry' card everywhere and he will constantly be following me like a puppy and it is never hard to forgive him with all that pampering. :)

    I feel ashamed if I hurt him in any way. Though I apologize in person, I feel more comfortable sending my apology as a text message. I treat him royal for another 2 days by cooking his favorite meal and attending to his beck and call (only for 2 days.. ha ha ha). He obviously melts and forgives me. And all the unpleasant incidents are left behind.

    I can never hate anyone. That is a big stress for me. I would rather forgive anyone (not only my DH) who has harmed me and move on than carry a grudge.
     
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  6. GaythriV

    GaythriV Platinum IL'ite

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    @VanithaSudhir
    [My DH always apologizes by placing 'Sorry' card everywhere and he will constantly be following me like a puppy and it is never hard to forgive him with all that pampering. [​IMG]]
    - really cute, very nice to read about nice things.

    [I can never hate anyone. That is a big stress for me. I would rather forgive anyone (not only my DH) who has harmed me and move on than carry a grudge.]
    - this positive attitude in you ensures what you are and your life is. Keep it up.
     
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  7. VanithaSudhir

    VanithaSudhir Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks Gayu. Yeah..Even I melt when I see those cards.. Sometimes he keeps some surprise cards (not sorry ones !) in my bag, especially whenever I am slogging at work and not paying much attention to him. I just can't help.. but love him more those times. :)
     
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  8. BUJJITUMMALA

    BUJJITUMMALA New IL'ite

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    HI,
    Forgiving each other in a marriage is one of the wonderfull thing. Before marriage we both are unknowns and also we can't forgive the others mistakes if some one did anything for us. But in the marriage we do forgive each other because we have love in between us, if love is dominating EGO then we forgive each other or if we go for EGO'S then love will got reduced and forgiving is lost and our relation will get worst .
    If we need a healthy relation and pure Love from our spouse we have to forgive, this is my thought....
     
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  9. jskls

    jskls IL Hall of Fame

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    When there is love I believe there is No question of forgive and forget. We do hv our tough moments but it would be for few days and we move on. I love my DH same as my parents and my children and wouldn't mind getting a slap once or twice in a lifetime. The one person I am me is with my DH. I don't see him any separate than me. It's us that's all. So forgiving and forgetting is only for my PIL's.
     
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Two decades into marriage...except infidelity,everything else is forgivable.
     
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