For Ur Laughing Stock.......

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Moonbeams, Nov 24, 2007.

  1. Moonbeams

    Moonbeams Bronze IL'ite

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    I am sure u all will enjoy this.......

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    The 1st Affair

    A married man was having an affair

    with his secretary.

    One day they went to her place

    and made love all afternoon.

    Exhausted, they fell asleep

    and woke up at 8 PM.

    The man hurriedly dressed

    and told his lover to take his shoes

    outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

    He put on his shoes and drove home.

    'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

    'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

    'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

    We had sex all afternoon.'

    She looked down at his shoes and said:

    'You lying bastard!

    You've been playing golf!'

    The 2nd Affair

    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

    but always talked about having a son.

    They decided to try one last time

    for the son they always wanted.

    The wife got pregnant

    and delivered a healthy baby boy.

    The joyful father rushed to the nursery

    to see his new son.

    He was horrified
    at the ugliest child

    he had ever seen.

    He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

    be the father of this baby.

    Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

    Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

    The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

    'Not this time!'

    The 3rd Affair

    A mortician was working late one night.

    He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

    about to be cremated,

    and made a startling discovery.

    Schwartz had the largest private part

    he had ever seen!

    'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

    commented, 'I can't allow you to be cre mated

    with such an impressive private part.

    It must be saved for posterity.'

    So, he removed it,

    stuffed it into his briefcase,

    and took it home

    'I have something to show

    you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

    opening his briefcase.

    'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

    'Schwartz is dead!'

    The 4th Affair

    A woman was in bed with her lover

    when she heard her husband

    opening the front door.

    'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

    She rubbed baby oil all over him,

    then dusted him with talcum powder.

    'Don't move until I tell you,'

    she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

    'What's this?' the husband inquired

    as he entered the room.

    'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,

    'the Smiths bought one and I liked it

    so I got one for us, too.'

    No more was said,

    not even when they went to bed.

    Around 2 AM the husband got up,

    went to the kitchen and returned

    with a sandwich and a beer.

    'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

    I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

    and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

    The 5th Affair

    A man walked into a cafe,

    went to the bar and ordered a beer.

    'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

    'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

    He glanced at the menu and asked:

    'How much for a nice juicy steak

    and a bottle of w ine?'

    'A nickel,' the barman replied.

    'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

    'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

    The bartender replied:

    'Upstairs, with my wife.'

    The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

    with your wife?'

    The bartender replied:

    'The same thing
    I'm doing

    to his business down here.'

    The 6th Affair

    Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

    He looked up and said weakly:

    'I have something I must confess.'

    'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

    'No,' he insisted,

    'I want to die in peace.

    I slept with your sister, your best friend,

    her best friend, and your mother!'

    'I know,' she replied,

    'now just rest and let the poison work.'

  2. vivbass

    vivbass Gold IL'ite

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    hahahaha,naughty,enjoyed well:queen
  3. Arunarc

    Arunarc Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hahahahaha these r really cool ones

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