For all unhappy women - how to be happy in spite of everything - Step 3

In Step 2 I talked about the Importance of Happiness and how it made us powerful in our daily lives. The logical step in the pursuit of happiness seems to be a deeper dive into what exactly happiness is. Where does it come from? Is it the same for all people? Is it possible to achieve it single-handedly?

If you catch somebody, and out of the blue, ask them "what is happiness?", you are likely to hear a "Hmmm, it is a feeling ....". And if asked to elaborate, you might hear, "it is a good feeling" or you might just get a shrug and a pout. Most people cannot describe it - neither can I.

If on the other hand, you ask them, "Are you happy (or unhappy)", you are more likely to get a definite answer. Some might ask you "(Happy) About what?" but would still be able to give a definite Yes or No.

This of course, would apply equally to a question about love - "What is Love?" would bring you few definite answers but "Do you love anyone?" would bring plenty of specific answers.

What does this mean? It means that whether we can define the words happiness or love, or not, doesn't matter - when we encounter those feelings we recognize them. And therefore, the very first question in this post "what exactly is happiness", seems pretty irrelevant.

But is it really? Is it irrelevant to the goal of achieving happiness? Do we need to know what is happiness in order to achieve it?

Yes and No.

We do NOT need to know the definition of happiness to be happy but we do need to know the difference between happiness and pleasure or satisfaction. We do need to know that Happiness is a feeling and that it resides inside us - that it is not something we have to REACH OUT for, but something we have to DRAW OUT of ourselves.

The next question was - "Is it the same for everybody?". I cannot make up my mind on this. On the one hand at first pass, it looks as though it cannot be - after all no two persons seem to reach that goal in the same way. But then, Happiness is a feeling - so that feeling must surely be the same for everybody?

And then there is the next question - "Where does it come from?" All feelings reside inside us - so this must mean that happiness too comes from inside us.

The last question "can we achieve it single-handedly?" is what is most important to all those who are struggling towards it. How can we be happy when this person or that situation is making us unhappy?

To Be Continued......

 

Dear Maria,
I hope you do too. Wisdom comes from facing difficult times and not giving in. It requires us to keep searching for ways to emerge victorious - to rise above the circumstances that pound us down.

I don't know your situation and what you need to do to get above it. I deliberately do not say 'get out' of it because I do not believe in giving up or giving in and running away from a situation. But I believe that if you dig deep into yourself, identify the real you and the inherent strength inside, you can first change yourself, then change the situation and ultimately those around you.

Even if you do not succeed in changing those around you, in the long run you will develop the wisdom you require to be happy - and that itself is the greatest victory.

I wish for you that victory.

 

Dear Maria,

I am grateful that my experience is helping someone cope with their difficulties - that was the reason I posted "Nowhere to go" as well as this series of steps. The series will probably have one or two more posts and I hope to offer concrete steps normal people can actually follow to dig themselves out of their wells of distress.

As for changing my situation, it is really the chicken and egg type of question - which came first? All I really remember is that I got tired of being unhappy. More than wanting to be happy, I wanted not to be unhappy. Also, I think there was an element of one-up-man-ship involved - I did not want anybody to know that they had so much power over my emotions. I wanted to LOOK indifferent - to show that I did not care.

In order to do that I had to make a pretense of being happy - smile and sing and hum as though I didn't have a care in the world. I discovered that, very soon, I felt less miserable and slowly started finding pleasure in small things all by myself. I have always wanted to learn the keyboard and I started playing a song on my computer and trying to imitate the pieces I liked. I never became very good, but I did improve, and each chord, sort of, uplifted me.

I picked up a couple of more things I enjoyed doing and started feeling good about myself. And somewhere around this time discovered a determination to BE happy in spite of anything and everything. This period was actually the worst we had ever been through as a family - but in the midst of this I found I could still be cheerful. It showed me I had an inner strength I had not known about. Just that knowledge was enough - it seemed to feed on itself and grow. I have never again felt that totally helpless again.

I was lucky that my situation was more about neglect, dismissal and disrespect and never any real abuse. But even these were capable of creating a feeling of being used and abused. There are thousands who go through much, much worse.

I am not an expert with research and degrees to back me up - I just have a certain personal experience and the knowledge that I got above it by myself - without any help from anyone. I know that in the end we can depend only on ourselves; we can change only ourselves. So I tell all those who are unhappy just that one thing - when it comes to the happiness equation, remove everyone else out of it. Be the sole ingredient in that equation. This does not need us to change the environment or leave the other person - just that we remove our dependency on them for happiness.

If there is any advice I would give, it would be... think.....and .....think.... and.....think. Work it out in your head - what is it that you don't like in your life; what would you like to BE (not what you'd like to have); where are you depending on others for the things you want; what are the things you can do to make yourself happy; what are the things you need to avoid doing to make your loved ones unhappy...... Somewhere within these thoughts you will find the thread you can grab and follow to a better inner you.

I hope this helps. I don't think I am qualified enough to give you more specific advice - but if you want a sounding board in your thought process, I'd be happy to help....

 

Dear Maria,

Reading what you wrote was like revisiting the past - each and every word was exactly what I had felt and experienced and thought for about 2 decades. Maybe that is why what I say makes sense for you. I actually started trying to pick out quotes from your post only to realize that I would probably end up putting the entire piece in pieces :biglaugh.

The deep question about what exactly one is trying to do in such a situation pops up even now - though the situation has changed drastically in the last couple of years, for the better. Like you there were scores of occasions when I felt being alone with the children would be immeasurably better. But there were also those moments of clarity when I knew that I really did love him and that in reality what I wanted was to be happy with him. At such times I did admit to myself that leaving him would reduce the stress of daily life but would not really create happiness in me.

So what exactly should I say to you - I'm scared of saying the wrong thing. Ok... I will instead ask you some questions - questions you can think about and maybe reach your conclusions yourself.

The very first question is the one about what it is that you really really want. Or, in other words, what would make you the happiest woman on earth? In my case it was - I'd be the happiest woman on earth if when my husband looked at me I could see it in his eyes that I was the most important person in his life. Or that when he looked at me I could see clearly that he was happy to be with me. Or that each day, at least once, there was a holding of eyes that told me we had intimacy of the emotional kind. Needless to say I had never got any of it. Come to think of it, I don't get it now either, in spite of the changes! But at least there is a holding of eyes that hints at appreciation for the person I am.

When you ask yourself this question and get an answer, ask it again. This time paraphrase it a little and ask yourself what would make you feel good. And when you have answered that, ask it again.... each time you do, lower the bar a little. The reason this helps is that it defines our wants and our needs. We need to know the difference ourselves - the things that we need to be happy and the things that we want. Very often, we rest our happiness on wants and lead ourselves to unhappiness. An exercise like this gives us a deeper knowledge of ourselves and breaks the quest for happiness down into manageable pieces.

And in the meantime, when there are incidents like the tea in the morning, add humour to the situation - hmmm - like - "Sorrrrryyyy!" in a tone that is anything but sorry and with a huge grin "I'm so lazy, you're right" or a variation that clearly says - you call me lazy but that doesn't bother me as I am happy about myself the way I am. Or when there is ranting going on be like the way a good boss will be when listening to a subordinate complaining about another. Cool and Patient - not angry, willing to hear what the person has to say without taking sides... do you get the picture in your head when you think of it like that?

I read a lot about diverse topics and one such write-up about how to handle or conduct a meeting where accusations are being hurled has helped me a lot. It is a management funda. When a person is angry and accusing, once he finishes his first rant, repeat his accusation in mild words and ask him if you have got it right. This cool repetition with a question breaks his steam and as the tone of the question is measured instead of angry or defensive, forces him to tone down. It works each and every time! I have seen it done and used it myself - it really really works. And then if it is followed by something like "Hmmm, you are right (nod head in agreement, and...), what else? (or something of that sort)" practically shuts them up! If not, sum up both the rants and present it back like the way you did the first time.... and so on. If the complaints are repeats and you have already done something about it, a casual "Oh! I thought you had seen that I had done xyz and liked it....." or something of that sort should leave an opening for a dialogue. Cool, unaffected, unperturbed, open, confident.....

This way of handling a complaint tells the ranter that you are listening and understanding his point and does not allow his anger to feed on the rant! Ultimately, the aim should not be to score points (or at least, if you do feel good about it, let it be a secret within yourself). Ego is a big thing and hurting it does not encourage communication.

Reading back what I had written sort of clarifies the approach I am suggesting - a two pronged approach. The first one is to understand oneself - our needs and aspirations and the second is learning to handle situations without ending up frustrated and hurt.

So try it if you feel it will help and tell me how it goes.

 

Dear Maria,

You asked:
“Come to think of it, I don't get it now either, in spite of the changes!” - So I’ve identified what I really, really want to be happy, and you wanted the same but you accept that it may not have happened for you even now… That is the part I don’t think I have understood – “ask yourself what would make you feel good. And when you have answered that, ask it again.... each time you do, lower the bar a little”. How to do this and be OK with it?

As one grows older, one learns that life is not fair. Idealism says that the Good should get the good things in life but it rarely seems to work that way. Don't think that the loss of the youthful years in misery doesn't hit me hard - it does. There are days when I mourn the misery of my 20s and 30s and the loss of the young years to unhappiness and a feeling of abandonment and desperation. There are still days when I wonder "has it been worth it?". There is no answer that rings true at such times. And that means that there is never an "am OK with this" sort of feeling. It is more like "this happened.... cannot go back in time and change things because it was not my doing in the first place.... will not waste more time and energy on it....". I know that I will always have the 'scalded cat' syndrome - the expectation buried deep in the psyche that some time or the other those same hurtful things will come back. Which means that however greatly my husband makes me happy in the future (if it ever happens!) it can never be carefree happiness - it will always be a very cautious happiness.

Knowing that it will be so and accepting it makes it easier to let it go and focus on the now and the future. It also again reinforces my belief that I and I alone am responsible for my happiness.

Thinking about past miseries and spoiling the present is something I constantly push myself away from.

A thought keeps popping up every time I read your words - what is your husband's background? I keep getting the feeling that he is very insecure / lacks a feeling of self worth. I mean, do you know what his family life was like when he was young? I have seen parents who, by their attitudes, rob their children of the feeling of being worthwhile human beings. Constant criticism, derogatory comparison and such, in childhood, could manifest itself in this type of behaviour. Being made to feel they are worthless could create a need to build self worth by putting a vulnerable person within their ambit down. For all you know, there might be a good human being hidden behind all that cruelty. If you could release that person life would be so much better.....

As you get proficient with handling hurt and coming out of such situations relatively intact, it might be a good idea to apply the thinking process in a different direction. The fact that there are periods of lull, means that he doesn't feel the need to step on your ego to boost his own, all the time. Could it be that something triggers such behaviour - something not related to you and something you might not be aware of?

Now that you have learnt how to break things down to manageable bits, may be you could supplement the previous two pronged strategy with a third prong - that of a detective - and search for some hidden reason behind such bursts of dominance. And while you do that, add a little kind feeling to the mix. Assume that he behaves that way because he is himself battling some demon inside him. When you deliberately feel kindness for him, you will no longer feel "under his thumb" or living life according to his 'yeses' and 'nos' (your words - right?). You will start feeling like the stronger partner and his words and actions will slide off like water on a duck's back..... And the possibilities after that are endless - right?

Just some thoughts I thought you might find helpful.... Take care.