First time experience with problem -- Lost -- Plz help!! Caution: Long post ahead!!

Re: First time experience with problem -- Lost -- Plz help!! Caution: Long post ahead

I think you hold on to petty things and grieviences. These matters are not something to lose temper over. Yes, it might seem annoying but as the days pass these visits here and obligations there are totally irrelevant. Imagine yourself 6 months from now, do you think anyone will care what happened here? Yes they may remember but it is totally irrelavant to your marriage and well being. Right now you are living through your family's expectations and he is living through his. Exclude your family for a moment and concentrate on both of you first.

I haven't posted in about a year on this board and i come back and find the same issues over and over again. Again over family issues. I should create a sticky thread with some advice and experience that i've gained over so many years from friends and close family.

 

Re: First time experience with problem -- Lost -- Plz help!! Caution: Long post ahead

Dear Op...you yourself said your husband is not very social. Having a family get together and a trip together on his first trip was in itself a bad idea. You can't just throw people in together and expect them to have a good time.On top of that your fil was with him too...probably his first get together with your family. It is very normal for them to feel out of place and a little uncomfortable.

Your father in law probably made an excuse about the heat to get some breathing space for him and your husband.He didn't cancel the visit...just a little head start away from new relatives.I think he handled that part very tactfully. You should not have made a fuss .If you didn't want to go with them...that was perfectly fine.You should have cheerfully sent them away as you were soon going to meet again at Tirupati.

Your father in law was probably uncomfortable with your disagreement with your husband and decided to leave to avoid any further problems between you(I would still give the benefit of the doubt to him)

Your husband is probably trying to make his father feel better for the disastrous trip by being extra nice and close to him.

What can you do?...First get over it. Secondly...if you want your husband to be comfortable with your family....do the same with his. Go for the planned visit to his native place and try to do what you expect your husband to do with your family. Don't make it an ego issue ....your husband melted seeing your tears. He may stop doing it in the future. Don't let silly family issues come in between your marital peace.

 

Re: First time experience with problem -- Lost -- Plz help!! Caution: Long post ahead

OP,

YM put it very nicely.

I think you over reacted on the Tirupathi incident. You knew your husband is uncomfortable socializing yet he came for wedding to keep you happy. But then made some spur of the moment plans to go with his dad. These things happen. You could have handled it by cheerfully sending him off as its only a question of a day. I am not sure if he wanted you to come with him and you refused or whether the fight started over phone. Either case please don’t let this escalate further by avoiding his family. It will only create a rift between you and him. Your marriage is still young. Both very much attached to their respective families. If you handle all this family stuff in a diplomatic way from now it will make your husband adore you even more. It is a long term investment and you might only see the return in a few years. Go to Tirupathi with DH and Fil, have good darshan, enjoy time with your fil. Please don’t sit and pout. Please don’t sit and think oh he is not friendly with my side so I will be same to him. Be mature and handle it with a good heart.

 

Re: First time experience with problem -- Lost -- Plz help!! Caution: Long post ahead

Agree with YM.

Control you temper. These are not the things to get concerned about. I understand at the heat of the moment, one feels like it. But always take a deep breath and think it through. If his father is feeling hot, he is feeling hot. You can't judge it any other way. As people age, they become sensitive to the weather. So don't let such things upset you. You need to go to his native and be part of the family. It need to be tit-for-tat type of behavior.

 

Re: First time experience with problem -- Lost -- Plz help!! Caution: Long post ahead

OP, I will relate an incident to you. There was a function in my in-laws side for which I booked my own tickets in advance, took leave and had my own staying arrangement. My in-laws had a same day travel and no staying arrangement for the guests. My DH blamed me for making separate arrangements. I was quite hurt at my DH's expectations because:

1.) I attended the function despite husband's absence and without bothering anyone
2.) I was the only person (other than the couple for whom function was organised ) who had to attend office the next day - so I couldn't afford to take the trouble of same day travel in peak of hot season
3.) DH's own relatives commented in hushed whispers that their arrangement was so hectic(read: bad) ...they had to get up at 4am and then two train travels in a single day (may be to avoid hotel costs) was so uncomfortable

OP, why I related this to you is to let you know that sometimes we expect too much from others and then we blame that person when he is unable to fulfil the expectation. We overlook the fact that that person was genuinely incapable of fulfilling our expectation. DH did the same with me. You are doing the same with your DH.

You have a happy marriage, so please don't spoil it by your anger management issue or over-expectation. Therefore, please attend the event at your DH's native.