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Finding Very Difficult Of My Situation

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by wish4miracle, Mar 2, 2022.

  1. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    My dad passed away 2 months back and mom is diagnosed with terminal cancer about 8 months back.

    As i have written in previous posts, my mom and i are in good ties. I tried to mend it numerous times but failed miserably. For few days it will be fine and then again i will be i will never want to talk to her again.
    There were so so many days, mostly after college till date(because i remember the situations since then) she has been very rude to me, calling names and yelling and so on. She kept our relationship very minimal. She uses ugly words to yell at me, i started feeling anxious and inwould always think marriage would be a way of escape from torments.

    She will be good at few times and she will be back being rude within few min or in a day or 2. From her yellings, i understand she dint want me to have in first place, she dint care about me anymore, she is fine even if i die, she wont look after my only kid toddler even if i or h dies, she wants to cut off my ties, i am a waste, i am good for nothing, all i do is lying, dint study at all(i got 199,198 in 2 subjects and 1074 in 12th). Then she will yell back saying how dare u manage alone and the same continues if i am managing my life without communicating to her, it was like i have to do all to the T if i am in talking terms with her or else she will find fault in me and start all yelling.

    My sister had taken advantage of this whenever possible she keeps igniting my moms disliking over me, she makes sure my mom doesnt believe me no matter how hard i try to explain my mom.

    My mom prefers to stay close to my sister and her family but she doesnt like to stay with them because she herself knew they wont take care of her properly. I stay little away like 10 min drive. I stayed here because my mom convinced me to stay here saying she will find me a doctor for infertility which i endured for 4 years. I was in different city with my H before. But she dint help is a different story. Her belief was to have both children nearby, and making my sister who lead a normal life with her teenage son and continue her job with lakhs per month. I left my job after mrge because i was desperate moving out of country at that time as i felt it like an escape from the torments. I couldnt tolerate anymore. My dad knew all this but he couldnt help me much further as same applies to him as well.
    Before dad passing, they were slowly letting me go from their circle as i insisted as i couldnt tolerate my mom pushing me to take her part of taking care of my sisters life at home. I was mentally preparing myself to tske care of my job and kid together all by myself and H, i preferred it over the torments again.

    Suddenly when my father passed away, this torments again started, calling me names to pull me back to that home, making me like a slave to keep my sister family fine and happy. If i question it, they call me names, i hallucinate or i imagine myself and talks to all our relatives without telling what exactly is happening at our home to ensure they all have bad impression about me.

    I told them both that i will give all legal rights to my sis and register the same. Yes i want to run away from all these so that i can bring up my kid with whatever money i have. I gave all my gold back to her, all my mom's savings in lakhs( shenhad put me in my name as i dint have tax issues with no income) back to mom including my hard earned money before mrge. And i know i am entitled to give back her money rightfully. Except 2 years back i took a sum from my own savings saved with my salary which was in joint account with me and her. And for the same, i reminded her with proofs as she forgot that it is my savings. She agreed to it then and later on my sis made her convince to ask about it now and then and keeps saying i cheated. I took only after my kid was born and to put in her name for 20 years govt scheme. That was my salary sum. Besides i have spent in lakhs for items before my mrge for our rental home which is still being used by them. My point here is no matter what i spend she says as if nothing i do for her. I spent 20k 4 months back to buy her a suitable cot which she later calla ita nothing. Literally said that.

    I do not want to stay in that house or communicate to my sister anymore. I know it is very very wrong to leave a mother like that but trust me i tried so many ways to mend this relationship. Either she herself ruins or my sis makes sure of it.
    Part of my heart keeps thinking about her wanting to love her and be with her but i will not untill she is with my sis. Because even if mom shows a little love towards in any instant, she makes sure my mom hates me in next minute.

    I resigned my job due to the mental pressure and cry hysterically whenever they call me for some or the other issue to make me pull near them. If i go there i will be ruined my entire life. My h sees everything and he stands by me, my dad would have definitely stood by me. Financially i am ready to give up all.

    I wanted to vent today because my sis tormented me for about 3 hours questioning on my insurance misunderstandings happened due to her side. My mom wants me to stay here for another 5 years and then asks me to leave wherever i want. This 5 years is for my sis son to finish schooling so they all can go back to US happily. My mom wanta me to stay back till then.
    I am feeling like i am not a person at all, i am an object being used, not only me my h and kid as well. I feel that i should lock myself and close my eyes tightly so i dont get to hear any drama they make me to torment me again. I never want to come out of that room ever.
    Not sure what is right or wrong anymore. Not sure what to do.
     
    chanchitra likes this.
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  2. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    I am happy that you have a good husband.
    Please move away from your mom and toxic sister.
    Don't torment yourself anymore.
    Enjoy your life with your husband and kid.
    Move forward. Forget the bitter past.
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I am sorry for your troubles.
    Your mother has your sister to take care of her. Who will come look after you in a time of need?
    You need to take care of your own mental health and your nuclear family. Go join your husband and try to live peacefully. Focus your efforts and and guard your resources for your own home.
    It is very hard to accept such rejection from your own mother. If you can see a counselor that might help you come to peace with your situation.
     
    KashmirFlower and chanchitra like this.
  4. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand what your going thru with toxic family members. It's hard to explain your stand when they do smear campaign against you. You can't do anything about it .
    No amount of boundaries, walls will restrict these kind of toxic people with corrupt mentality.
    Stay away
    Get a lawyer, write off whatever you need vs don't need, register it. Get proof of bank statement and legal docs saying you gave all money.
    Honestly your sis won't stop after monetary settlement too, she needs a work horse.
    1. Tell her you won't stay near them
    2. you will help mom during hospital visits
    3. Your sis wants to use you simple don't give her chance to manipulate you
    4. Never day yes or no when they ask something say you need time to think they may yell shout curse, don't react.
    5. Pls don't dump these family issues to husband, poor fellow. It may affect your relationship.
    6. Set a time to talk don't attend calls or invite them over. So you can mentally prepare well for their talks.
    We indians underestimate sibling rivalry and toxicity.
    I know how you feel, I'm also facing toxicity from sibling. It's super hard when own family sabotage you.
    All you can do is STAY AWAY
    Really sorry you have to go through all these.
    Learn on toxic family traits, generational curses, sibling rivalry in adult hood.
     
    chanchitra likes this.
  5. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    I am giving up all my legal share of finances.

    Initially, my mom asked me to choose among 2 properties, but i declined everything. If i opt for anything, they will use that to emotionally blackmail to stay near them and live a life that they expect.

    That life would be :It is like mom is expecting me to be her replacement for my sister for next 5 years, like to stay in my parents house to cook for all by giving up my job and taking care of all household activities. So that my sis who is staying near my parents house can do her usual way of sending for her kid to school for next 5 years, she can earn till then. Her h is not that supportive, he earns more than 2 L per month and she earns 1 L per month. Their kid is just 5 years away to college and is US citizen. My mom claims to stay here for next 5 years saying reason as my toddler kid will study good if put into same school as my sis kid and now she is in that school.
    Once dad passed, a relative of my mom side came up to me and asked me to leave my 35k per month job and get the equal share of my property and put in the bank to get interest and use that as income.
    My sis will leave india once her kid finishes school, and till then she wont give up job. After school, they will leave to US which they are not revealing right now if confrinted. So it is like i will get money only if i stay here. Else i wont get it. They are not saying as such out loud, but when propsed it is like that.

    Now coming to my life, my H has a small apartmentbought for 25L and we need to pay 4L for it. I gave all my jjewels back to mom. I have around 15 sovereign gold for my daughter. Around15L including all types savings. My H is trying for a onsite job. My H doesnt have any other assets. And no liability. If we take money and stay here in my parents house we will spend all our savings for their regular life, right from buying groceries and everything. And they dont follow budget finance. They are expenses are way too high which we cannot afford. Even if i do each and everything, they forget it and tell not enouh when new thing come up.
    I had stayed with them when dad was alive and found this not possible.
    They claim they will help before i move in, but they wont, once i moved in.
    Not even feeding my baby. Have seen a ton already.

    So my choice i am giving up and moving out and going to live only on our own earnings. But i have a small guilty whether i am spoiling my daughters life to make this choice and worried if i cannot afford her studies. I am in my mid 35s working in a IT firm but moving out due to work pressure. Need to find a new one. I an studying for it. I am feel afraid if i can bring up my kid with my own savings. I need sufficient money to better my kids life and not luxurious life. I am feeling guilty that i am affecting my kids life due to my choices.

    Can i bring up my kids life with my own savings. Am i too selfish in my decisions. I am struggling to take one and scared of my life decisions. But my H is okay with decision and he says we can bring up our kid with only our savings and jobs.
     
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You know your situation best. Do what feels right for your family, don’t second-guess and don’t look back.
    Money will come, money will go but you cannot buy mental peace.
     
  7. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, mental peace is more important. When i was staying in my parents house, i couldnt eat or even sleep properly.
    Sometimes mom will peek from her bed to see whats in my plate to know what iam eating. Whenevr i accompany her to hospital, she will ask me who paid my lunch, my dad or myself.such questions made me feel very low, pushing myself not go there again.
    She once even told my dad, some(in local language, unwanted) are eating, why cant u eat on time, after seeing me and my husband walked to kitchen to wash our plates after eating though i cooked and we bought groceries for whole family.
    Just pure insults. Even If i can tolerate mom, i cant tolerate my sis who constantly portrays me as villain in moms view. She ensures i dont come out of that view when my mom slightly starts agreeing to my thoughts.
    They called the name that i selected for my kid is such a low name. Ipghey have mentally broken me huge times.

    After marriage, is it wrong to stay in a separate house with husband? Is it wrong to move around different cities to earn money for our kid?
    I feel everybody does that. Why i have to be blamed for all normal things that others do. I really dont understand.
    She doesnt go along with us even if we stay with her. Its like she doesnt want us to be around or she hates us but not able to leave us as she doesnt want her other daughter to take whole responsibility of caring her.

    Its simple. I am happy at my home. I am not happy at my parents home, that sums up right. I think i am taking right decision according to the given situation. When i see my daughter, i just couldnt ever imagining doing the same to her. Never.
     

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