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Finding And Keeping A Life Partner

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Sravanthi28, Sep 26, 2007.

  1. Sravanthi28

    Sravanthi28 Silver IL'ite

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    This is lengthy, and will definitely take some time… But it is nice to read.
    Read it when you find time… But read it, for sure… Very truthful and insightful…


    Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.
    When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no
    one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%,
    it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
    finding Mr./Miss. Right!

    If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,
    they'll say: "We're in love"; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people
    make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on
    love. Though this may sound "not politically correct", there's a
    profound truth here.

    Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result
    of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the
    love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime
    relationship on love alone"; You need a lot more!!!

    Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about
    finding and keeping a life partner.

    QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

    Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married
    for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do
    you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog
    together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You
    need a common life purpose.

    Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or
    (2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.
    To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!

    Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.



    QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with
    this person?

    This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
    Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The
    basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't
    get "punished"; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and
    feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone
    with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest
    with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the
    person you plan to marry.

    QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?
    A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you
    test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a
    regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher
    of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be
    good and do the right ";. So ask about your significant other: What do
    they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a
    materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character
    refinement.

    There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who
    are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to
    seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will
    put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know
    that before walking down the aisle.


    QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

    The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
    ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person
    pleasure.

    Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
    wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?

    To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people
    whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi
    drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they
    have gratitude and appreciation?

    If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them
    everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that
    someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as
    well.


    QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person
    after we're married?

    Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the
    intention of trying to "improve"; them after they're married. As a
    colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change
    after marriage for the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person
    the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
    In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.
    The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with
    your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are
    dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key
    issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with
    a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself

    trouble because you didn't do your homework.
    Another perspective...
    There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
    distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or
    at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible,
    not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around
    you.
    Pay attention...Which ones lift and which ones lean?

    Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

    Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going
    downhill?

    When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?

    Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or
    appreciate you?


    The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and
    truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who
    gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of
    your life.


    An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes
    open, and after you marry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and
    make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity,
    ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to
    warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you
    can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that
    important.

    Do you bring out the best in each other?

    Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
    compare and control?

    What do you bring to the relationship?

    Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
    You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make
    someone love you or make someone stay.

    If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life"; you
    won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness
    or responsible for your pain.

    WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

    1. TRUST

    2. COMMUNICATION

    3. INTIMACY

    4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

    5. SHARING TASKS

    6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN

    7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,
    etc.)

    8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

    9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

    10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

    If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment
    withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will
    replace
     
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  2. Vysan

    Vysan Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Saravanthi,

    Absolutely a fantastic post... Great writeup.... But unfortunately all in theory... This can be adviced.... But in real life it is not practical and possible... Life is not something you do your calculations and arrive at results... You cant tell, first let me test whether you suit me and then marry... In our Indian culture we dont allow the boy and girl to mix with each other before marriage.... Even in love marriages the boy tries to impress the girl and vice versa... When a person falls in love it is the something in the opposite person which attracts him/her.... He/she does not have a check list and start loving....

    In my opinion, for a successful marriage you need to have faith in you partner, love your partner and respect your partner what what he or she is and accept him/her as package in its original form with +&-....

    I may be wrong......

    Veda
     

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