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Financially Screwed....i Am Sure.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by WannabValerie, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @WannabValerie, here's another perspective:

    Just as you are looking out for the best interests of your children, his parents are looking out for their kids.

    They have a child with juvenile arthritis and are protecting him. They don't know what the future will bring. They, too, may have heard stories of wives seeking divorce once the kids are grown. And they may be preparing for the worst.

    They hope to prevent you from laying claim to his $$ if you do divorce him. That may be why his assets are in his parents' names.

    She may have promised to care for him if you abandon him. Even if your SiL/BiL cheat your DH and keep the flats and cash for themselves, your ILs will feel happier if the assets go to their DD rather than to you.

    Your ILs are smart. They are prepared.

    He may or may not truly believe that. Your ILs may be unwilling to count on his assessment of you.

    How to combat this?

    Think things through. If you aren't truly planning on divorcing him, stop that train of thought. Stop talking about the flats in terms of your children's future. Start talking about putting money away for his health emergencies and for your old age together.

    Ask him how you'll both manage if his BiL goes rogue and claims the flats as your SiL's inheritance. Remind him that these days you can't count on your kids to look after you in old age. And you both need to plan where and how you'll survive in retirement.
    .
     
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  2. rgz

    rgz Gold IL'ite

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    ^ Agree with @Amica I think the ILs sense that "sometime in 15 yrs", just-in-case WannabValerie may divorce the H and hence they are protecting their child. I think that's the reason to "protect the assets" in their name. Maybe they are making assumptions but they are trying to be doubly sure WannabValerie is not able to lay claim to the H's assets in case of a seperation.
     
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  3. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I have to defend @WannabValerie here based responses above.

    Every parent watches out for their child, but to justify her in-laws actions here seems a little unreasonable*. She has been deceived about her husbands chronic health condition yet it seems like she took care of him and nursed him back to health. Considering that, the in-laws should know that she is someone that will not abandon their son during his tough times. She is entertaining the thought of leaving him only because she has been deceived twice ( health issues and financial decisions), justifiably so. Can we blame her for that ?

    If her in-laws actions are justified , then every parent should have all their children’s assets under their control. Because the spouse might leave their son high and dry. We cannot assume the worst of our kids spouses ( or our in-laws too) . The goal is to raise our kids to be independent ,intelligent adults that make responsible financial and emotional decisions. Holding on to their assets is not the solution.

    * If the in-laws were truly watching out for their son, they would make sure that they get him married to someone that would accept him gracefully with his chronic health condition.
     
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  4. nemesis

    nemesis Platinum IL'ite

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    lol. And you think it's easy to find a spouse like that?

    It's always a foot in the door strategy. Or the notions like '1000 lies to make a marriage'. Deception.

    --

    I have another similar happening to share - in this case the guy went abroad, earned well and kept sending money for buying assets. Those who are born with him - remained relatively poor. The parents did the equalizing job - when he buys a site in an urban zone, the daughters used to get one in the village. Car for his (Indian visit) use, bikes for them.

    His quality of life is always pin pointed (guilt trip) to get the hand-outs to the sisters- and no, their lives never improved-you give them 10 lakh INR, they would find another property to buy and continue their 14 inch tv/100 rupee footwear/faded cloth life.

    2-3 decades later and now when he thought of retiring early, his asset abroad is just a home - while the Indian assets are almost the same as that of his sisters because the son is living 'well' so the parent's land goes only to the sisters, because they take care of the elders. How? They take parents to the hospital in his car and paying with his money. lol.

    Poverty kept us all grounded. Wealth is exposing all the fault lines. What's really great about the great Indian culture, I wonder.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    How are the assets only his? OP put all her salary into her and her husband's joint account for 10 years. In the post quoted below, she talks about that plus the trust she had in her husband. Even if she did not make as much money as him over the last 15 years or was never working, the 2 wonderful kids, taking care of him, and perhaps taking care of the house... all those count.
    I am surprised to read the "his $$" and "his assets" above.

     
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  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    True. Very similar to my husband's family. Only difference is he got a brother.
    They make a great fuss about taking care of the parents.
    The hospital expenses and car including the driver is paid for my husband.
     
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  7. nemesis

    nemesis Platinum IL'ite

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    Yup more than the numbers, it is this intangible - trust, openness, honesty- which is at stake- these are usually valued much higher than the objective/logical reasoning and therefore in a partnership where objectivity is at one end and emotions at the other, the latter tends to get exploited (the realization comes a lot late).

    If the only tool you have is the hammer...
     
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  8. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for that perspective Amica and rgz.

    Always believed that the value of a quid is how one uses it. So as long as they plan to use it on worthy causes/ people, I am fine. If his sister can care to care I am happy for my DH and her and us!. However, until now the only support I got from my inlaws is the calls to take care of him; which I did and would even without the calls. He is my DH.

    However, one doesn't marry someone planning a divorce in their mind ( at least I didnt). When I was driving him on wheel chair to hospitals because he woke up with swollen knees or slow poisioning my career to care for MY family, it did not occur to me what I would 'earn' if I took care of him. That was for 10 yrs and it would continue if I had not accidentally answered that home insurance call on that day. I just took it for granted that we are a family and we shall run like one.

    I asked him why and many other questions and he could not answer any and finally gave me a closure with a 'you have become selfish' and I answered with a ' no one asked why I was selfless because it was convenient for you now when I question the values that our family is running on, you call me selfish.. have I become a competition to you now?'

    Yes I have been ruined financially but I hold on to all the good things we did together as a family and all the memories we made over these years and I shall look for future good memories.

    My children are 13 and 6... it seems terrifying to think that I have been in a vulnerable situation and then someone took my harness off too with me alone holding the two children. But hopefully I can build one for them myself before its late.

    The contemplating of future divorce (10-15 yrs from now) is purely to make some fraction of living to what I like rather than what I am into. I aint working on it just dreaming thru it. And husband happily taken care by his family would actually keep me at peace in a way. Less guilt for having left caring which I don't complain of, because I still dont know if I will actually able to leave him if he isnt cared by anyone.

    After all these years, I am financially screwed but that never brings tears to my eyes more than the broken trust brings.
     
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  9. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Bronze IL'ite

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    ..and so you lie. Bravo.

    Psst: the sarcm isnt on you nemisis :)
     
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  10. WannabValerie

    WannabValerie Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes Rihanna,

    Although the seems nothing but about the money... it actually isnt.
     
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