Finally Decided To Leave My Abusive Husband

I hear this advice all the time. Not to make the decision when weak or angry. Look at what you have written, a week > a month > 3 months... what's next, a year? Making the decision is one thing, and actually making it a reality is another thing. Even if OP makes the decision now, it's not going to happen in the next week. It will take a couple of months for her to actually have the guts to move the next step and move out. You are advising her to stay and think about it...for what benefit actually?

@sweetum - I don't know which city you are located in, but if you are in the US, every city has a women's shelter. You can search online. Or if you are ok with talking to outsiders (which you will have to anyway), try asking a counselor, divorce lawyer office, doctor or even the library/town hall (you don't have to say it's for you). Reach out and get some details about them. They do not advertise their location for obvious safety reasons. If your life is at risk, or your child has witnessed the abuse, there is more immediate assistance that they are willing to give.

On your end, have a bag packed for your and your child and keep at a safe place (not at home, possibly at work). Arrange with the women's shelter on what you plan to do. If you think it's appropriate to inform your husband before you leave (if you feel safe enough), do so. If not, just leave a note, and stay at the shelter.

There are organizations that help women in abusive relationship - providing legal help for nominal fees. You will learn more once you reach out to someone local.

Do you have friends you can ask for help? It is possible to leave your marriage and be able to survive with your child. It will be tough, without support, so try to create a safety net, of friends.

 

Really? Is this real? Do people actually live happily with an abusive spouse? Maybe if there is some serious counseling involved. But that requires a husband willing to attend and make changes accordingly.

 

catwalk, I can't believe you really think so
Do you realize that he can kill her? I am a doctor and my coworker from ER told me how they had a woman who was regularly beaten up by her husband. One day he pushed her and she fell and hit her head against a table. She had a bleeding in her brain and she died the same day. Mother is dead, father is locked up for the second-degree murder for 40 years. They had three children who are orphans now.
And no, if you knew how domestic violence works, you would know that for abused victims it's extremely hard to leave their abuser and break a so-called family. Sometimes it takes years of sufferings before they leave. Nobody deserves to be hurt. As for children, do you know that girls are much more likely to stay in abusive relationship later in life if they saw their mother being abused? Do you know that boys are much more likely to beat their partners if they saw their daddy beating their mommy? Children get traumatized profoundly in abusive homes. Divorces are stressful for kids of course, but seeing their mother being hurt like that is much worse. The best thing OP can do is to leave.

 

I disagree to the point that mother has to put up with abuse and wait endlessly and work tirelessly to change the husband which may never happen . Single
Parents are also capable
Of bringing the children up well . Think about widows .

Abuse should not be acceptable

 

OP, It is better not to stay in an abusive marriage, especially with a drunkard. They dont have any sense on what they do when on an abusive mode. He behave this way because he is over confident that you will be with him forever adjusting to this mental and physical torture. It is so horrible to live in a fear and abuse-filled life. It is not good for your kid too. If he wants to live with you he has to work on his bahaviour & give up all these habits. I dont know how easy it is. Be firm.

I am sure you might have thought about all the pros and cons before taking up this decision. Are you in India/USA? If you have a taken a decision,stay separately from your dh. That will give you more clarity on how you can proceed -like proceed with divorce or not, what will you do if he promise and bahave well in future.(I doubt as abusers are mostly/will be abusers). Is he a good father? If so he can still be part of your kids life even if you separate.

Think with a calm mind if you can, how to manage your kid when you are away with your job. Is there any daycare or anyone else (friends?) to support. Try to explore about all the options you have. Seek help if needed. Once you stay away, you get more confidence on how to manage your life alone. Be strong and positive. It is not an easy path . But you will survive it. Both you and your kid deserve a peaceful and happy life

 

My thoughts exactly after reading 'catwalks' reply, esp the timeline. People underestimate about how long it takes and how difficult it is for the abused victims to decide to break free from their abuser. It's the hardest decision of their life.

 

It takes a lot of guts to end a marriage specially when one has been abused and emotionally stressed. I commend you for that. Being a single mother is no cakewalk without any family support. So before you take the step make sure all your bases are covered, get in touch wit h NGO's that work with abused women. Once you have a point of contact and help there , make the move. Most NGO's empower women to be financially independent ( you already seem to be ) . The path ahead might be tough initially, but you seem to be strong enough. Best wishes.

 

I believe OP is located in India. Life of a single mother has its own challenges.
On the other hand, Alcoholism is a desease rather than a habbit. It needs treatment. Life with an alcoholic partner is one of the worst thing that can happen. It is similar to the life with a mentally ill person.
OP should find a way to resolve this issue. You can stay away from him as long as he continue with this habbit. It is one way to put some pressure on him.
OP should also see the possibility to get some support from Punarjani de-addiction and rehabilitation center kerala
Why I mention this place is that they do not use any medicine or
Painful treatments there. It is more like psychological approach.
PM me if you need their contact number.

 

So your husband is abusing you no matter whether he is sober or drunk. So one can't blame it all on alcoholism, but he just enjoys hitting, spitting, insulting and abusing you. You and your child doesn't deserve to go through this day in and out.

We can understand how difficult this decision must have been for you to take and after so many years. But this is the time to stay strong for yourself and your child.

Teach your child that abuse is not acceptable from anyone, esp more so from a loved one. He/ she should learn this. Because an abusive home / parent affects the kids more than you think.