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Fil-Mil having relationship problem

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ValuableTime, May 9, 2010.

  1. ValuableTime

    ValuableTime Senior IL'ite

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    As I said, fil&mil having relationship problem which disturbs my peace. People who have read my previous posts would know about my male chauvenist fil. Now that my inlaws are here for my delivery, I spend a lot of time with them. Both of them are good to me & treat me well. However, my fil does not treat my mil well & it happens in front of me. I really feel sorry for her. When my mil was talking to her daughter she was telling her that she feels really bad about the way my fil treats her in my presence & she cried about it. Now I donno if my mil told about all these to her daughter knowing that I was near by or not. I was sitting in the couch & she was in the kitchen which is not a seperate room, though, she may not know whether Iam in the couch or not. Well, that's not the real prob. She had told me about her frustration about the way my fil treats her & always finds a way to pinpoint all the mistakes my fil does. He is nuts & does all sort of non-sense. I understand that. But iam fed up listening to complaints. I do really feel sorry for her. But all these complaints are too much for me. I feel that instead of complaining she can try to change him by whichever way that's fine for him. Well she must be knowing by this time on how to Handle Her husband.
    Another thing is my dh asks for my acceptance on anything we do. He really respects me and treats me well. My mil had seen this & tells me that iam lucky. And that's very true. Yesterday we went for shopping & on our way back my dh asked me if we can go to a restaurant to have our dinner. I said it's his wish. He said ok. But after sometime my baby started to cry so he asked if we can go home directly. And I said yes. My mil came home & went inside baroom & cried & came out with normal face. I could guess it bcos I could see her puffed eyes when she came out. I, sort of feel that she is jealous on me about the way my dh treats me. She even mentioned about it directly when we have our normal conversations. I donno how to react to this. Just felt like telling about this to a friend. And here I did.
     
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  2. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Valuable Time

    I guess all your m-i-l needs is an empathetic ear and you have been giving her that. I think it's really nice that you both share a relationship where she is able to communicate to you her feelings and you're sympathetic. I know it gets tiring sometimes to keep hearing someone complain constantly. But the poor lady seems frustrated and just wants to be heard. So just let her be. She's probably tried as much as she could and has just given up on your f-i-l! And your m-i-l must have felt really humiliated to be treated badly in front of you and pointing out all his mistakes to you is probably just her way of covering up that humiliation.

    Could you possibly tell your husband about how his mom is feeling low and ask him to talk to his dad to treat her better? It's actually good that your husband did not learn his father's ways and start thinking that the way his dad treats his wife is how a wife should normally be treated!
     
  3. ValuableTime

    ValuableTime Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Peartree,
    Thanks for your reply.
    I do not have to ask my DH to talk about it since he himself knows about how bad my Mil must be feeling. He asked about it a couple of times. But you know what, my Fil never likes to get any advice from anybody. Whatever he does is right or atleast thats what he feels. If my DH tries to say something, he will argue and argue.. just for the sake of proving and finally gives the silent treatment which everybody hates.:spin.
    Since he is very old, all of us leave him just the way as he is. We do not want to risk it and leave the way he wants to. Thats what has happened from the beginning. As per my mil, my fil was diagnosed with high BP when he was young and hence no body wants to trouble him. Whatever he does, everybody says yes. Thats the reason he has changed like this. Now its too late to change him. All these things are so new to me, since I was not brought up like that and when something is wrong, we will say it to the person directly even if its the father or the mother or the mil or the child of the house. I sometimes feel so bad to stay with these people. I hate to just see the face of my Fil sometimes. I think, my mil by preaching me, has made my mind to hate my fil. On top of this, I feel like my mil is jealous on me and this really disturbs my peace.
    Sometimes, bcoz of my Fil's silly behaviour, my mil gets agitated. And I am afraid that she would show that anger over me & my little baby. Ofcourse, this is just a guess but I dont wanna risk it since my baby is with her when I go to office. I say everything to her when I go to office. Sometimes, she follow and sometimes she does not. I understand that everything cannot be followed. But somethings are important and needs to be followed like feeding habits. I want my baby to have breast fed milk, which I pump and store it in the freezer. But what she does is, she will give the formula. When I come back from office, she will say that my girl dint drink it, which is a lie. Bcoz when I give it to her, she takes it very well compared to the formula. She is more towards the breast fed milk than the formula.
    I dont know how to deal with my inlaws bcoz of this. I feel that if I say something, she may get an opinion that I am not treating her well bcoz of my Fil. I never ever had any disrespect for her. I always support her. But I also want her to follow my instructions in taking care of my baby when I go to office.
    I am sorry for the big post. I want to write everything that goes on at my home. Bcoz its too much for me. I know its nothing compared to other problems posted here, still .. a problem is a problem and this one goes on the back of my mind forever which totally disturbs my peace.
     
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    I see same story for my life, my MIL would either give same excuse or throw expressed milk that it was stale but run and get formula milk.
    Many guys can't tolerate silly lies which typical ladies try their luck on to... He must have got a lot more of similar stuff.

    MIL also felt insulted when similar things happened and when she saw my DH treating me far far better and FIL pointing to her what all he found appreciting in me.. ayhow after 6 yrs she did a good job and turned everyone against me... last time I told her yeah we now have similar lives.. mine speaks equally bad as his dad and she just smiled. Some ladies have the world's charm to get the worst out of all the people around them :coffee... dont pity them.. pity yourself for the future in store & be prepared for more lies to be served.
     
  5. ValuableTime

    ValuableTime Senior IL'ite

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    Oh Shilpa !! I always had a decent relationship with my mil and I dont want that to be spoiled. I pity her, really, for the way my fil treats her. Bcoz, I know what he does is wrong and so insulting sometimes. But I dont want that to affect me and my baby. I know that she cares for her grand daughter and does take care of her well. However, this milk thing is always a kind-of problem between us. Eventhough we dont fight about it, we both have different opinions upon it. I want my DD to have expressed milk. However, my mil feels that its not good for health, reason being that its from the refrigerator. Ofcourse, we give her by making it sit till it reaches room temperature. But she does'nt get it. And, from the beginning, she is more into formula. Its bcoz she thinks formula makes the baby grow fatter and bigger.

    Oh these words scares me a lot :spin
    Every mil needs a mature mind to treat her dil like her own daughter. I understand that. I knew from the beginning that she dont treat me like her own daughter. But we never fight or no silly mind games going on between us.. atleast to my knowledge. So I am thankful for that. But I always wish, why is my mil not giving me one compliment when she can compliment the whole day about her 2 daughters & how well they does things. She has been here for almost 3 months and never ever once she complimented me. However, she always wait for a chance to pinpoint anything I miss or forget :bonk. But when we talk .. I mean the usual conversations.. she always tells me that everybody in India (neighbours & relatives) had always told her that I must be lucky to get her as my Mil. She always waits for a chance to praise about her, how good she is? how well she had brought up her kids (Ofcourse, I need to accept this by seeing my DH).. always a self-praiser, which is so irritating sometimes. But I dont say a word about it, bcoz, its none of my business.
    You know what, this thread for me, has become a rambling session to talk about my mil and it relieves me a lot. Thanks for reading my ramblings anyway. :)
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,

    For some mom and new born's it's very easy to get things done in proper way and for some it's so difficult.Even for my 2 kids,I never made it .I always have to pump and give the milk.
    I do agree with your MIL point here but we are not lucky like them .
    Some new born can start latching easily and some never get it.
    If they can latch then it's very easy for mother and the baby.Other wise even the milk suppy will go down eventually.But if you working,you will have no choice.
    Again that's true that formula can make baby fat , even though what she think might be right but sometimes we have to look alternatives based on our situations.
    I would get frustated if someone telling me when I was a first time mom.But eventually I relaised whatever they are telling is right but some how in US lot of mothers do pump the milk and it india it was very rare.
     
  7. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear,
    First of all you still have some hormones running wild so you are getting upset with this. Best way to deal with it. Stay away and don't comment. Let MIL deal with her DH or her son do it.

    About the Formula issue... you cannot change her. So here is what can be done. If the child takes 6 feedings total and MIL gives her 3 feeds of formula then you make sure you give 3 feeds of BF. Saturday ,Sunday you give total BF.

    Don't worry there is no good way or bad way. As long as the child is getting love and attention these small things don't matter.

    Do some calmimg exercises and don't bother .. they will leave soon.

    FL
     
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi VT,
    Other than lending your MIL a patient ear and trying to soothe her with words, there is not much you can do(you've already guessed that by now). It is natural to feel insecure(I wouldn't call it jealousy) about a bad relationship when you see someone else's life. Life is always about comparison. If she is vocal about your good fortune in getting your DH, why don't you tell her something like - "It is all because you raised your son this way that I've been lucky". Maybe that will make her feel at least something is right somewhere.

    With regard to your preference in child care, unfortunately, if you are going to depend on your MIL to care for her, then you will have to let go of some of your preferences. Unless you have a Nanny or your infant is in a day care, you can't expect your MIL to follow your instructions with the baby. I don't think my Mom would have done that either. You can give her all the information about frozen milk being safe and effective and try to justify with her. End of the day, if she still chooses to feed your baby formula because she feels refrigerated milk is harmful, then you have no choice but either let her take care of the baby the way she is comfortable with or hire a nanny.

    Take it easy,
    L
     

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