Fights Are Increasing With Husband Over Inlaws

Goahead, you have a clear enough analysis of what your husband wants. But your reaction to it is all over the place. While your angst is understandable, you need to calm down a little, and instead of compiling long rules that can never be enforced, you should make a short list of what your husband wants, what you are willing to offer, what is not-negotiable for you, what is under your control, what is not.

First, stop wasting mental energy and conversation time with husband in recounting their past mistakes. Their past behavior will not convince your husband that their moving in is not a good idea. Stop telling him that you cannot forget the past. He already knows that but wants his parents to move in more than he cares for your past hurt.

He wants you to be happy and not complain. He wants everyone including you to be happy. Zero in on this. Accept that you cannot really prevent him for getting his parents over. You cannot move out with the kids or just by yourself. Stop talking about this topic morning, noon and night. Stop bringing in things like health insurance etc. Keep your statements brief. Tell him that you are not in favor of them moving in until they are older and really need to. Tell him that you can forgive the past but you cannot forget who did it. You don't want them in your house till they are healthy enough. And that their moving in within the next 1-2 years will be at the cost your happiness.

Then, make a different list: what all you will be doing, and what you will not do when they are in your house. Don't give him that list. It can be used against you later. Just have it handy when telling him about it.

As calmly as you can, without blaming your husband for the past and for what is coming up, tell him how you feel about it, and that you will be a very reluctant and involuntary supporter of it. Keep your talk about this always brief. And move on to other topics and life's tasks cheerfully.

Going by your posts over the past 1-2 years, it doesn't look like you will separate or divorce because of this. So, drop that idea.

You want them to move in only after 10 years or so. He does not want to wait. You don't get what you are asking for. He wants you and everyone to be happy about the move. You cannot be happy. He does not get what he wants. Fair enough. And life can go on smoothly enough if all make peace with what is. You figure out how you will lead your life minimizing your in-laws' impact on it. If he brings them over willy-nilly, they all can deal with your polite but cool/unwelcome attitude.

First change: talk less on this topic. We women tend to go on and on, in the car, at dinner, while cooking, while cleaning the kitchen, and even when watching TV. Men tend to tune it out with a "she will whine, but eventually line pe aa jayegi" (will eventually cooperate). To make your displeasure known firmly and clearly, keep your talk about it brief.

But remember: right now your husband is fighting with you because he wants you and all to be happy. You are arguing strongly with him because you don't want them to move in after what they did. A coldness will come into the marriage when you both stop arguing/discussing about this. There will be a divide/distance that will never go away. But, there will be some peace at home.