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Fights Are Increasing With Husband Over Inlaws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Oct 1, 2019.

  1. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    If you read my last post , it was about my husband wanting todo Greencard for inalws and move them in . I feel that he has planned everything very smartly , he moved his sister to US and now slowly his parents . When it comes to my parents, as soon as i bring the topic there is a fight that hs parents are old and mmy parents are not that old and how did i talk about my parents and saying no to his parents .

    I never talked about moving my parents in and still he keep saying that its my brother responsibilty. I cant take that at all ...so there is a fight .This is just one topic

    I have given up and told him to decide if he wants to get his parents GC done and now hes fighting with me because he wants me to be very happy about this and not complain and say anything about his mom.How can i do that ? I feel that my husband is trying to make sure that everyone's happy but he totally forgets that he cannot force me to forget everything from the past and be happy and welcoming to his parents . I feel that their is something very wrong with my husband .He is a total mummas boy
    his mom lies on his face and still hes so caring for her all the time and even wants me to respect her for anything she does .
    His father never tells him anything about finances etc and he wants to move them in and take care of all their expenses. My husband is a nut case when it comes to his parents . there is a fight every weekend because he wants me to say yes very happily. I have tried explaining him every time that even a girl whose inlaws are very nice, will have confuse thoughts about living with them . I have been so independent all my life and having someone move in with me is a torture on me .if table turned, my husband would never agree to move my parents in .
    I just hate my inlaws and there is no way i will have that feeling changed for my mil now.this feeling developed in 15 years and i dnt say that to him but i know i will never trust her manipulative nature anymore. She sweet talks to get her work done, get money out from us and make us do things for SIL but as soon as things are done, she changes .I will never like her at all in my life and i dnt want to as well
    This is my decision as to not trust her or even give her a single more chance to use me . When i discuss this with some of my friends , they say that may be she will change when shes here and my argument is i dnt care .Even if she changes, i dnt want to live with a serpent . I will become like her and i dnt want to spend rest of my life with her
     
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  2. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    You have to stick to your arguments firmly on what you believe is non negotiable.

    regarding your parents —- please analyze what is your demand ?
    Do you want their GCs to be done like your In laws and they also come and stay with you ?

    or is it point just for the argument sake and you don’t have any plans for parents care ?
     
  3. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    i have posted another thread regarding some ground rules..please give your suggestion there as well
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Goahead, you have a clear enough analysis of what your husband wants. But your reaction to it is all over the place. While your angst is understandable, you need to calm down a little, and instead of compiling long rules that can never be enforced, you should make a short list of what your husband wants, what you are willing to offer, what is not-negotiable for you, what is under your control, what is not.

    First, stop wasting mental energy and conversation time with husband in recounting their past mistakes. Their past behavior will not convince your husband that their moving in is not a good idea. Stop telling him that you cannot forget the past. He already knows that but wants his parents to move in more than he cares for your past hurt.

    He wants you to be happy and not complain. He wants everyone including you to be happy. Zero in on this. Accept that you cannot really prevent him for getting his parents over. You cannot move out with the kids or just by yourself. Stop talking about this topic morning, noon and night. Stop bringing in things like health insurance etc. Keep your statements brief. Tell him that you are not in favor of them moving in until they are older and really need to. Tell him that you can forgive the past but you cannot forget who did it. You don't want them in your house till they are healthy enough. And that their moving in within the next 1-2 years will be at the cost your happiness.

    Then, make a different list: what all you will be doing, and what you will not do when they are in your house. Don't give him that list. It can be used against you later. Just have it handy when telling him about it.

    As calmly as you can, without blaming your husband for the past and for what is coming up, tell him how you feel about it, and that you will be a very reluctant and involuntary supporter of it. Keep your talk about this always brief. And move on to other topics and life's tasks cheerfully.

    Going by your posts over the past 1-2 years, it doesn't look like you will separate or divorce because of this. So, drop that idea.

    You want them to move in only after 10 years or so. He does not want to wait. You don't get what you are asking for. He wants you and everyone to be happy about the move. You cannot be happy. He does not get what he wants. Fair enough. And life can go on smoothly enough if all make peace with what is. You figure out how you will lead your life minimizing your in-laws' impact on it. If he brings them over willy-nilly, they all can deal with your polite but cool/unwelcome attitude.

    First change: talk less on this topic. We women tend to go on and on, in the car, at dinner, while cooking, while cleaning the kitchen, and even when watching TV. Men tend to tune it out with a "she will whine, but eventually line pe aa jayegi" (will eventually cooperate). To make your displeasure known firmly and clearly, keep your talk about it brief.

    But remember: right now your husband is fighting with you because he wants you and all to be happy. You are arguing strongly with him because you don't want them to move in after what they did. A coldness will come into the marriage when you both stop arguing/discussing about this. There will be a divide/distance that will never go away. But, there will be some peace at home.
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2019
    Amica and jillcastle like this.

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