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Fight Over Job

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sk4u, Sep 25, 2007.

  1. sk4u

    sk4u New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am married for 2 years. I am not working currently, but looking for one. Its taking me long since I dont have much experience and also here the opputunities are limited. Also I am a bit lazy. I agree. And my husband is really angry about the whole issue. I am quite capable and can easily manage the home front things. He doesnt even once have apprecaited that fact. He wants me to work, which I am not able to find. We as a couple have great compatability otherwise, great wavelengths, have so many similar interests. BUt now a days we fight a lot, upo the extent that I dont want him in the home and he also says I sets his mood off, and that I am a burden to him. Which hurts me, but I try yto rebel it, which ends up in a fight. I really hate him sometimes. He doesnt even help me in anything, whether its grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning anything, even if he comes to grocery shops, he simply stands there and pay. I dont get any appreciation for any of these. He says he can appreciate only if I start working.

    Also I am left almost alone all the time, evenings he goes to play his games, in the gym. Weekends he goes to play again, leaving me alone most of the time. I have never said anything against it or never had a fight over that becos I believe its his passion and I should nurture it. Sometimes I also go if there is an important match. But he never appreciates all these things. He has never even for once, thought about me sitting all alone. I just need some words to console. I am asking him to sit with me, but to recognize the fact.

    Theres no one single day without a fight. Even for silly reasons, he will get very angry and will start hurting me physically too. I cant say any of these things to my family. More than that he is very stingy too. What should I do? I feel like I am in a trap, and hes more like a dictator. He doesnt listen to my words, hasnt spend even a penny for my family ....... Sometimes I truly hate him ..... :-( Our sex life is also once in a month.

    I dont know, i feel like paying back, I feel like rebelling.

    sakshi
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2007
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  2. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

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    dear sakshi,
    i am first sorry for your state of affairs, but i would like to help you here is to priorities ur time, please do things which u enjoy more, rather than waiting for him all the time, take even reading good books, making your own things like decoration of the house, u have not mentioned any children in your problem, i see that he is very active in his life and your are waiting for him all the time, which should not be so, i dont say that u be independant please do make him come along involve him in his interest from toiletaries to the provision kind, chek out his weakness it could be food, clothing, activity try to get ur self enrolled in some gym and may be work out, or go for long walks you know this will help to get rid of your stress, which plays havoc in the long run, dont bother if he has not taken care of your family think about his upbringing he could had come from places where they dont bother, dont blame him for all things.
    analyse whether u need financial dependancy on him all the time, which u may not appreciate to keep asking for things,
    so time management is very important, please take up things that had been your hobby to help you earn it need not be always going to office, if you are a good teacher you could start with good tutions, or embroidary anything of your interest you can help and make money.
    sometime even english speaking courses for young ladies pays off, so try to divert your mind and i am sure he will notice the change, sometimes in our dedication we expect the same return, and human are not god, they are what they are, it is better to accept them for what they are than to lament for what they are not..hope been of help..cheer lady please it is your life you live once and let it be grand, ask your mirror it would say i love you, make it say i love you, all the best:2thumbsup: sunkan
     
  3. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Sakshi,

    I understand ur problem and you have a solution in u. If you know that working will bring in a better relation with your husband and also some income in fly, then y not do it. It will also make you independant. You will be appreciated too.

    Like you said you cant find a job at the moment, but atleast you can do something at home, like take up tuition or do baby-sit, something to add funds to your pocket and your home finance.

    Now a days all men prefer working wife. You will only get appreciation when you are working and managing house. As you are all time at home, so expecting him to help will surely sound to him a pain in the neck. A man appreciates when his wife is capable of managing home and work together and thus he feels he needs to help her when it come to house work or shopping for groceries.

    Also as you are not doing anything it makes you gloomy and sad and makes you focus more on your husband. Try to keep your self busy. An idle mind is a devils workshop.

    Wake up and smell the coffee.

    All the best:2thumbsup:

    Diana
     
  4. sk4u

    sk4u New IL'ite

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    Thanks dear Sunkan and Diana for your replies ..... I forgot to mention that I am in US, and sometimes I really yearn to go back to India. May be becos of that also I am feeling horribly lonely. And I am a very good reader, a good cook, fairly good singer, active member in the music club in our area, goes to the library, work out regularly, give parties for which I mostly cook elaborate meals. So I think I am fairly active. But he doesnt appreciate any of these, he just fights with me for the reason that I am not looking for a job...... I also dont want to depend on him financially, I want to be independent. But it will take time to get one .... he just scolds me every now and then, which will end up in a fight ..... :(
     
  5. suma21

    suma21 New IL'ite

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    Hi Sakshi,

    Just focus on what you are comfortable at ...what is your educational background?Try to take up some course which will get you job...Never depend on husband financially...House work will be always thankless job in long run specially if u r in joint family....Engage yourself with friends,browsing,listen to music or whatever u like till u search for job...Dont say anything to your husband...just appriciate him & ignore if he hurts for sometime,dont fight i know its difficult but not impossible....he will notice the change...then he will start realizing his mistake slowly....Just have a goal of searching some job....work towards it ....Make a career in the field u like...Occupy yourself with something of ur intrest.....

    Cheers
    Suma
     
  6. Kavta

    Kavta Senior IL'ite

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    Hi sakshi
    I have an idea for you!
    Why dont you start Catering services as you said you are a good cook?
    Or you can make some deal or some kind of arrangement with any of near by Indian Grocery stores selling them some snacks kind of things in the beginning.
    You need not launch this as a Business , just think of giving it a shot:thumbsup .
    Though I myself dont have any experience ,one of my cousins while she was here in USA did this and it killed her leisure time as well as earned her a lot of reputation in her area. Also increased her friends circle.
    Even I stay Idle at home all the time , recently I learned driving and now am able to go out for passing my leisure time. You know, staying idle really makes our lives boring and sometimes miserable. We keep thinking always about things that bother us. We really loose our peace of mind:bang if we stay alone,none to speak with,waiting for someone all the time, if that someone dont spend quality time with us like what we expected after coming.. all these things adds to our grief.
    If we are not earning ,then I think we will not be definetly having freedom to spend money for our parents.
    Focus on your strengths and you will definetly bring out some ideas for yourself.
    All the Best Sakshi. Till then , Cheer Up .. :) Go for a ride..make lotss off Window shopping....keep watching movies....Keep yourself busy always with something or nothing ;).
    TakeCare.




     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2007
  7. priyauc

    priyauc Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Sakshi,
    If you work it will not only help you get over your loneliness but will also help you be occupied. You will meet people and start having a life of your own. If you sit at home all day the moment your husband comes home you will crib and tell him i got bored n all that. At least he is broad minded and wants you to be active. If you are busy you can develop yourslf too. work from home if you dont want to go out. Over and above dont wait for someone else to make you happy. Read , listen to music, cook, do all u like . Give your husband love and affection. Two years is fairly new to being married. Its takes time, active adjustment and patience to build up a marriage. communicate with him. Participate in his interests if you want to spend time with him.try and change your outlook, maybe it will help.
     
  8. Blondie

    Blondie Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Sakshi,

    I think your husband is using reverse psychology to make you do what he wants. He is trying to bore you to death so that you will find refuge/ company in "Paying Work". Poor guy doesn't know that it only takes undestanding and compassion from his part so that you will do what ever he wants willingly.

    Since you are saying of late he is getting physically abusive, please take your parents and his parents into confidence OR only his parents but do not let this physical abuse escalate. May be they can knock some sense into who ever needs it (you, him OR both of you).

    If you are not confident with your skills and marketability let him know it and take his help in acquiring those skills and you both agree on a time line to acquire those and both of you work on it....you on acquiring the skills and him on doing everything he can do to make the process smooth for you.

    And you are not alone in this....the same situation is faced by countless women who don't feel loved and wanted in their own homes if they don't bring home a paycheck. Gone are those days when a man used to be the sole 'earning' one in the family and a woman took care of the house and kids ( if any).

    I am sure your husband has your absent paycheck dancing in front of his eyes every time you both have an argument. Don't feed fodder to the fire.

    Sorry for being so brutally down to earth but some times you have to be....
     
  9. geeta_sathish

    geeta_sathish Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Sakshi,

    First of all, you should not work just because your husband wants you to, or stay at home because he wants you to. Your interest and preference is what is most important.

    If your not interested in working, then you need to make him understand that he has to have the spine to support you financially and emotionally. He did not get married to you expecting to make money through you.

    But also know that there are a lot of advantages in being financially independant. First of all, you don't have to ask your husband money to buy each and every small thing that you want. It is very difficult to ask someone for money, even if that someone is your husband. And all said and done, working women definitely get more respect and independance at home than stay-at-home women. Also, now is a good time to make some savings for yourself when you don't have a baby to take care of. Once you decide to start your family, you might want to take a break from work. So, use this free time well. Don't you think it will be nice to give your husband a surprise gift on his birthday?

    Now, if you are interested in working and if you have the permit and the interest to work, America is definitely a land of opportunities. You can even start working in a shop or work from home by doing baby sitting (If you like kids and are a responsible person), or if your good at cooking, you can start a home-cooked food business. You would be a blessing for many working couples that way. If nothing works out, entrust the responsibility of finding a job for you to your husband. Tell him that you would love to work, but that you are not finding anything suitable. Ask for his suggestions. As him what he thinks you need to improve. Then focus on that. If your husband has a friend who has his own business, ask him to refer you to his friend.

    If your husband realises that your serious about wanting to work, his attitude towards you will change. Particularly bcos you say that you both get along very well but for this problem. You yourself agree that your lazy. May be thats what is making him hyper. Put some genuine efforts into this and you will definitely see success. Good luck to you in whatever option you pursue. IL is always here to hear your thoughts and give suggestions. God be with you.

    Cheers,
    Geetha.
     
  10. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Sakshi,

    Just wanted to know how are things at your end??

    Take care.
     

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