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felt insulted

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by paru, Feb 24, 2008.

  1. paru

    paru New IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,

    Iam new bee to this forum and admired about the varied suggestions given to solving the problems particularly ss,ria and many others.Great Work. Coming to me, Iam married for 4.5 yrs and have a lil daughter. We came to U.S 1.5 years back. We chat with my inlaws in webcam every week. The chat will last for 1 or 1.5 hours. My mil always to his son (my hubby) and to her grand daughter (my daught) tells all the happenings in india to him , be it showing some new dress or introduction of servant maid, she will tell to my hubby. I will be just sitting and watching. For most of the time , she will didnt even ask me 'how r u', i will volunteerly enquire abt their health etc. I just feel like insulted as she ignores me. Sometimes i will pretend to do some household work and quit the place halfway.These thoughts will always be in my mind and this makes me to get angry over my hubby. Does this happens to anyone?
     
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  2. Pia

    Pia New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am married now for 8 years.I went thru all these things earlier but now I think that these are useless things.Some people will never change.

    Carry on happily with your own life with your daughter and husband.Enjoy with them and if ur inlaws don't want to share things with you,then SO BE IT!!

    Bye,
    Pia
     
  3. sashie

    sashie New IL'ite

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    hi Paru, i've been married for 6 years, have kids, my ils do the same thing to me...i just have to ignore it and also move on. To their son(my husb) they tell all little details and talk for one hour, to me, it;'s just hi, and whatever they want me to do, or send for them....don;t worry, i think alot of il;'s are like this, it has to do with them keeping in touch with their son, and making sure that they still feel like they are the biggest part of his life!! keep smiling and be positive, other dil's are in same boat as you.
    sashBow
     
  4. vaidehi

    vaidehi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Paru,

    As everyone said, this is common everywhere, In-laws get immense pleasure in sidelining the dils for better reason known to them. they are not comfortable when an new person comes and takes charge.

    For me, i have gone thru and still going thru the worst with my In-laws behaviour , In my case if i say something then its a problem and if i keep quiet than its a big problem. Like u said even for me all these things keep disturbing my mind and i get depressed and angry on my hubby.

    I guess some people get immense pleasure in seing us getting disturbed. So don't worry and carry on with ur life(no other go...!). hope things will change in future.:p

    cheers
    vaidehi
     
  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Its the same with all in laws. But the one thing to appreciate here is they cant nag us everyday and create baseless tensions.With my in laws its slightly different,they want to know everything happening here from me once and my husband once and cross check. It drives me mad. If my in laws were like yours i wud be happy. Becoz it means less involvement of mine.relax,enjoy your freedom with your husband and your baby.
     
  6. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    Same story here... just get on with your life, dear friend! I do only that these days. What point in worrying about people who get pleasure at insulting and hurting a family member deliberately? When I went home for delivery and used to call my fil... he asked couple of times '(my name)... who is that?' as if he knew hundred others in my namesake. these days i just don't care and i go out for a walk when hubby sits down with webcam. let him atleast have that peaceful time with his parents and let me not ruin my evening:) Latha
     
  7. paru

    paru New IL'ite

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    Thanks for all your replies. It makes me feel better.
     
  8. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Paru,
    Cheer up! I am sure you have already cheered up after reading all the supportive responses from everyone here.

    I will just add to what my friends have already suggested.

    First and foremost, please do not complain or talk about this to your husband. It will not help you but instead, may make things worse. Don’t spoil your relationship with your husband over this. You can easily and very successfully handle this on your own. This is not an uncommon scenario in most households in our culture. We have to make a place for ourselves in our new home.

    Here are some suggestions to carve this place for you –
    • 1. Like everyone has already said, first, ignore your mil ignoring you!
    • Make yourself unavailable every few weekends when your hubby calls your in-laws. Pretend you are busy and don’t show up anywhere near the web cam. There is always stuff to do at home, go out for groceries or anything else. Or just go for a really long restroom and shower break! J Best is to leave the home if you can.
    Currently you are making yourself way too much available. You need to give your mil a chance to ask about you. I you she will ask, “Where is Paru?” if you are not seen for just a couple of calls consecutively. Tell your husband that you are leaving to do so and so work and will be back soon. After the call if he questions you on why you left when the call was going on, simply tell him that you had to finish this pending work and what’s the big deal, you will talk to them next time. Enquire about them with your husband and leave it there.
    • 2. Keep a list of things to do just for the time of the call! J
    • Sometimes as soon as the call begins, be the first one to talk to your mil whatever few sentences you want to say and leave the room to do your work. Other times don’t show up until the end of the call and just butt into their conversation when you come in, do your talking and leave the room immediately.
    The point is to not sit there and make yourself available for hurt and insult.
    • 3. After having told you ways to get your mil’s attention by using avoidance, I will tell you one completely opposite and what one may call an old-fashioned suggestion. Develop a one on one relationship with your mil/in-laws. Yes, you are their dil, you are their son’s wife, their grand daughter’s mother, but, you are also YOU, you are also an individual named Paru. So while you are connecting with your in-laws through all these “roles” you play, try to connect to them as an individual, as just Paru.
    When I say, connect to them; all I mean is interact with them as an individual. Sometimes, call them up on your own when hubby is not there. It could be a festival or a regular day. Just talk for a few minutes. Talk to them as Paru and enquire about them generally. Don’t talk as if you are playing one of the “roles”, talk to them just as yourself. Sometimes when you hear them talk to your husband about an issue or a small problem at home, butt in and give your frank and honest opinion. Make sure you start out slow, don’t suddenly become too friendly and definitely don’t stay in your husband’s shadow. You are as much a part of this family as your husband is, so show it in your behavior. Don’t wait for anyone to invite you into their conversation. Sometimes, just barge in and say a few sentences and leave.

    I suggested the third point because no matter what, the fact is that our in-laws will always be an important part of our husband’s life and by that token of our family too. Whether we like it or not, it is the reality. So it is in our favor to make this reality as easy on us as possible. The less bitter the reality, the better it is for us.

    And last but not the least, it is our family. We own this family as much as anyone else in the family does. We are responsible for it as much as anyone else in the family is. So even if someone tries to sidetrack us or ignore our status as co-owner of the family, we should know it in our heart that it is not the reality. This feeling of “ownership” should show in our behavior. We don’t need anyone’s permission to do the right things for the members of family and by that same token we do not anyone’s invitation to make things right for us either. So don’t wait for your mil to make you feel important. You are already important. You just need to know it in your heart and it will automatically reflect in your behavior.

    Take it easy. Enjoy these golden years and make some wonderful memories to cherish for your latter years.

    My best wishes.
    SS

     
    Last edited: Feb 25, 2008
  9. paru

    paru New IL'ite

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    Thanks SS for your time in the detailed reply. I will definitely try to implement those.
     
  10. srivatsa

    srivatsa New IL'ite

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    i have suggestion out of my experience of being good and friendly. Better stay away from inlaws as much as possible. Don't expect them to talk to u, as u'r life will be happy as long as they don't talk to u.

    Regards
    Sri
     

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