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Feeling Used By A Friend.... :(

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by blindpup10, Oct 15, 2016.

  1. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    For some reason, this friendship is bothering me quite a bit. I just want to know if I am doing the right thing.

    So, I met this guy A through my DH. He is my DH's colleague. He also happens to be of our caste and lived 3 streets away from my house in India. When we met for the first time, he and I were pretty shocked that we lived so closely. At that point, he wasn't married. 6 months down the line he got married and introduced us to his wife.

    I was very excited, as I couldn't wish anything better than this.. same caste, same place, similar mentality. It so happens A's wife ( let's call her B) is quite orthodox.

    The issue is about B- from the first time, we invited her to our home, she hasnt given the vibe she likes us.

    1. We have pets, she was terrified. She didn't even make an effort to be ok with our pets.
    2. My DH offered a beer to A. As this was not the first time, A drinking socially with my DH. B was so angry and seething everyone noticed her expression. From that point on we haven't invited them home or socially asked him to partake in a beer.
    3. A& B have constantly asked us to drop them off or pick them up.
    4. When my sis needed an internship (A and my sis are int he same field) I think he blatantly said nothing was working in the company. This is kinda true, as my DH also knew this.. but made an effort to talk to the HR and guide my sis. A point blankly say "NO".
    5.B and I have been on good terms... However, doesn't talk 2 extra words. When she wants something is when I get a text and doesn't say thanks, how are you... No niceties. Although I don't just let it go.. If she gets directly to the point I take some time and ask how she, her parents are and such things...She doesn't mind answering and asks back for the sake of it.
    6. The couple sees no harm in asking us to drive, pick them up or drop them off when we want to hang out. They don't extend the same hand to us. They have never picked us up or dropped us. They have never initiated any hanging out plans.
    7. My DH tried to hike with A and didnt find him compatible.. in mentality and attitude.


    So much being said.. nothing had ticked us off... as the last incident did.

    We and the couple had planned out an evening with an early dinner at a restaurant, after a walk at the beach. After the walk, the couple changed and said they aren't hungry but will have tea.

    At the restaurant, A wanted to eat but B made it hard for everyone to be around. Idk if they had a fight.. she just sat grumpily and we ordered and they didn't order tea.
    B just sat and A wanted to eat at the restaraunt.. he kept nudging her and B just refused constantly. We even tried to persuade B. We got an appetizer that B and A would be ok but nothing changed B. A was so hungry he started to nibble on our naan and ate appetizers.

    My Dh and I wanted to have a good time as our DS was teething and getting out with an infant isn't easy. Pacifying 2 children at the table was exhausting.

    After this incident... I told my DH we shouldn't hang out with them. My DH agreed.

    My main problem
    It so happens that B is doing a course in my DH's field and needs my DH's help. She doesn't mind asking any help. She even pushed my DH to do the needed work for her. Even with my DH its just "hello is the work done". I am very surprised by this attitude.

    After this. I have completely put my foot down with my DH and said a big NO to B and helping B in any form.

    I think around Dec she has an OPT coming up. She will ask my DH for help. I have told my DH to say NO.

    Am I right in doing this? I kinda feel bad... coz I am a softie. But I refuse to be used by B.
    Especially by B because she not only wants to contact us when she wants some work done, she doesnt want anything to do with us. In that case its fiar enough for me to not help her right...??

    What would you do if you were in my situation?
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2016
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  2. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    You are right and I would have avoided such friends and told the same.
    Don't worry, you don't have to be around such friends, infact they are just passers by in your life, from whom you have learnt a lesson. Move on and forget them.
    Take care.
     
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  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, A and B are both opportunists. In the long run they will only look for getting their work done and not reciprocate. B may not approve of your friendship for her own reasons and maybe A is persuading her to carry on so as to keep you in loop for future work. Either way not a beneficial friendship becoz they don't even show basic courtesy. You had a good example of how draining they can be when you went for dinner. Cut them off. Ask your husband to do the same. Better do it now so you can save trouble later.For any work they mention say you wont be able to do and to look for other options. Slowly they will realize its not working and move on to somebody else.Good Luck.
     
  4. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    I think I feel bad for B coz she is on H4 and now F1. I can relate to both the stages in her life. But I am not ok being used.
    The other thing is my DH and I don't mind dropping these guys or making plans. But feeling unpleasant after we hang out is what bothers us.
    Before A got married we used to hang out too... He does ask for help ( some health issue) but that's quite understandable for immigrants. But we have always had a good time with A before he got married and even after marriage when B was in India for F1 stamping. My cousin, A and us had such a good time even with a crying baby. It was time well spent.

    I completely agree with @chocolate- I think they are opportunist. I will not feel bad by cutting these people off.
    @vaidehi71- Yea, you are right I will forget them. Not worth my time.
     
    momsky and vaidehi71 like this.
  5. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    You were nice to her but some people are like that.good you have maintained a distance.As for the OPT,despite her happy nasty you hubby help her as it is her career.you be nice that way and apart from that you need not socialize with her.

    Also doesn't A drive?he does not have a car?
     
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  6. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    They give some lame reasons. Usually it's not a problem.
    They ask to be dropped or picked from airports... Tag along with us when we plan to go out together.
     
  7. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    You've given her chance after chance. B seems to lack basic courtesy. It's a two way street. Always. You can't be doing everything in the relationship yourself. You might identify with her situation but she isn't you.

    So don't initiate outings or social gettogethers. Let it cool off. If she texts for help, politely and tactfully decline. You have an appointment ; can't pick them up; here's the taxi firm's number. Or your child is being fussy; needs rest; cant help with your assignment. See if she'd doing a course it's rather cheeky of her to expect your husband to do her work. You guys need to push back and cool it off.

    A in the meanwhile is collateral damage. Happens.
     
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  8. dc24

    dc24 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear @blindpup10
    You have been given good values and samskaars by your parents that's why despite knowing all this you've been tolerating all this....
    But their attitude and mannerisms have far exceeded the limits of decency and there has to be a FULL STOP from your side...
    Whatever you're doing now is fully justified. Just keep these morons out of sight and after sometime they will be out of your mind too...
     
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  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    They are opportunistic cheap and selfish.
     
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  10. ssg

    ssg Bronze IL'ite

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    Op,
    Your time is precious. Don't waste with ppl like this. I know a couple exactly.
    Husband is my college mate. His wife was the same. She was very mean and she behaved similar bad behavior when we went out.
    If we say satur day she will argue sunday.
    if we say beach she says something.

    She asked so many helps. Like every week she will call and for a help. job, take caring her kid or their pet so many. If we asked she wouldn't help.

    Finally I cut the Friendship and was right.

     
    NeetaR, momsky and blindpup10 like this.

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