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feeling unloved - DH not available emotionally/physically

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by headspin, May 21, 2011.

  1. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Hi Sindura,
    I am afraid you have not had a chance to read about Headspin's plight and her efforts to keep her going. Her past threads may throw some light and it would become apparent that it is not a case of a woman who cribs. Your pointers are good in general though.:)
     
  2. Saumyamom

    Saumyamom Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Headspin,

    We are sailing in the same boat ..except I have 2:) (1 is 3 and another is 11 months).but the problem definition is same .I feel unloved too and apparantly so does my husband .I also crave for a chest to rest my head on and sleep but with 2 young children and inlaws at home ,it is a distant dream,We keep fighting too sometimes seriously ,end up getting hurt and get deeper into our shells ..and frankly we have never seen any good time together as I was pregnant within 4 months of marriage as per his wish:hide:,so I havent even experienced the romantic cushy love with him..So sometimes I end up doubting ,Do I even love him?
    I have craved for him so much that now I seem to have become a little dont care about it.Let him sit all the time with MIL if the thats how he wants to lead his life,I will lead a btter life too I have resolved ,may be build it around my kids and have fun with them and may be occasionally go out with my friends (probably)..
    Dont lose heart friend,if we really crave for a btter life my be we will end up having one..
     
  3. babycorn

    babycorn Silver IL'ite

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    I was in the same situation for 4 yrs.I have started to go out and made new friends.My situation was worst.I used to be all alone in the house with my MIL and her mother.My husband will be roaming with his friends and BIL and cosis will be there in cosis's house and the walls of my bedroom knew my tears.

    I realised that Iam not going to waste my life like this.I have reduced the weight I have gained because of all this stress.Used to visit parlours,made new friends.

    Things started to change slowly.I have to see after the baby is born
     
  4. jewel4u86

    jewel4u86 Silver IL'ite

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    <title></title> <meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 3.1 (Linux)"> <style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --</style>Dear Headspin & Saumyamom,

    I have been facing the exact situation as being faced by headspin. Infact, My situation was more worse as my DH listens only to my MIL and acts as per her wishes. I have been married since last one and half year and no kid. Even I m not planning for it atleast for two more years. In my family there is a SIL who is being loved by all. She is mannerless. She search for the point where she can insult me. My DH and MIL does not stop her. The reason for my dh being away frm me was my father could not reach the venue at the reception of barat in my marriage. For one year I use to cry everyday, infact fight with my parents abt the unavailability of them at the reception of barat. As my MIL use to talk abt it every now and then, and also tried to change my husbands mind. I used to get frustrated and stressed out all day. I could not share my most of the problems with my parents as my mother was sufferring from severe depression and father was very strict. If I would have uttered a single word he would have directly called my inlaws and then again issues at my home. MIL would try to pressurise me by her words and reactions. My DH used to tell each and every word to MIL whatever we discuss i.e. whether it would be of my family or his family.Since the day of my marriage, my husband use to sleep seperate from me. Same bed but we use to sleep in the opposite direction. Only once in a month we had sex. My life was too hard, as I could not share this things with anybody. But I use to share this with one of my net friend. He listen to my each word and had guided me. My SIL use to speak dirty words for my parents and family. I also use to feel that I m unwanted in the house. Even my MIL use to tell me that if u want divorce then we are ready for it. We have no objection.Within a year, my MIL asked me thrice whether u want divorce, if yes then we are ready for it and my DH did not utter a single word. My MIL was use to be the reason for more fights between my DH and me and my family. She use to play with the mind of my dh. I always use to feel that I m being neglected and despaired. My DH use to enjoy moving out friends but never thought of taking me out alone. Never got any gifts for me. Never hugged me. My hubby use to take care of his friends and family but never turn around for my family. He use to always neglect them. Chat with his friends late night but when I ask him to talk he says that he feel sleepy. After 3 months of my marriage on the birthday of my dh I saw a msg in his cell. It was written to one of his friend who liked him and wanted to marry. The message he wrote to her was that “only this much love u did not wished me today”. I cried a lot on that day and decided to teach a lesson to my hubby. My hubby deleted that msg and did not accepted that he wrote such things.


    And at that moment I decided, what worst thing could happen in my life and the answer to it was the divorce. So I made myself ready for it. I was not ready to live a life of neglected person or loser. The friend with whom I used to share all my problems, I took his help. I decided to make my DH jealous and make him feel that I could leave more happy without him. And since that day I have never looked back. My friend was in Australia he came to india in January and since then my mission started. I stopped asking questions, knowing what my dh do. I use to keep an eye over it but never disclose it.I stopped asking him to give me attention. I started taking care of myself. I joined gym and aimed to reduce my weight. I started sharing each and everything with my parents and told them not to disclose this to my inlaws at any cost. I started answering my inlaws where they were wrong. I started involving myself with his friends and family members. I used to call his friends every weekend and arrange for get together. Planned for a movie, outing etc. In this way I get time with my husband and enjoyment. I started doing things from which I get happiness. I used to talk to my male frnds via msgs late night. All this things made him suspicious. Even I did not let my DH to check my cell. I showed less interest in him and more in msg my friends. Started chatting with them. Doing things which I like the most. Even in the bed instead of hugging him. I started hugging the pilow and this satisfied my need of hug. Slowly my dh realised that I m moving away from him and now he himself comes to me. Still he does not involve himself with my family bcoz of my MIL. But I have decided that slowly I will turn him towards my family without informing my MIL.


    So from this understand few things. Love urself the most and be ready for the worst situation, U will be never afraid of anything. Try to take care of urself. Be the best. Start receiving compliments from his friends and family members. Never answer when u r angry. Go for a walk. Do meditation regularly. Think before u act. Answer with cool mind. Do things in which u get happiness. Ask ur parents or ur family members to accompany u in shopping or at some restaurant for dinner. Go with ur ds. Try to plan out such things once in a week. I assure u that u will be the happiest women and u will see what a wonderful things u were missing in ur stress. Please practice the above things and revert even if u find a change of 1% in ur life.
     
  5. jewel4u86

    jewel4u86 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Saumyamom and headspin,

    Please consider the advice given by sindura16 & Reflection123. U need to focus more on urself and ur kids. u should find the ways which makes u happy. Always remember never make ur life like garden on which everyone can walk it. Make it like a sky where everyone wishes to reach it. Always involve ur family members in ur decisions and discuss with them what u feel and what u want. they are the one who r always ready to give u happiness. Especially ur parents, brother and sister.
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. headspin

    headspin Bronze IL'ite

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    thanks for all the support and comfort :).

    make new friends - but how??? i somehow dont find people of the same
    wavelength - especially mentally. im not the kinds to do small talk,
    giggle unselessly, talk loudly, etc. even at work - i dont talk much -
    only selected people - whenever necessary. not beacuse i dont like them
    - but i cant relate to their talks. esp since most are unmarried - obv
    i cant blame them - but the talks are of no sense to me.

    yesterday's episode with dh - as u all know - dh and i had war of words
    on monday night and tuesday morning in front of mil. so entire tuesday
    and wednesday we dint speak a word, no sms - only necessary talks about
    DS. he watched match on both days.

    yest - wednesday - he called me at 7 pm. wanted to dine out. DS was not
    well, so told him to ask mil if she was ok to handle him - she was
    complaining about headache/body paint, etc just an hour back to me.
    he called her - she was ok - provided we came home by 10 pm.
    dh called me back - said was impossible to cpme by 10 pm as he would reach home only by 8 pm. he wanted to take baby along. but as DS was not well - told him not to take chance as he was under mediciation and would get sleepy/cranky by 9 itself. told him if we left immediately, we can take DS , but not to delay late night. it was not possible for him - so he told 'we wil go someother day'.
    mil came to me after 5 mins and asked me to get ready. told her we were not going - when she asked why - told her because could not come back by 10 pm. she said i was kidding and said we can take our time. when i called dh at 7.10 pm - he i was surprised that he already made plans with his friends!!!

    i was quite upset - because he did not even make an effort to ask mil, and within 10 mins of asking me - made other placs. if he really wanted me to come/spend time with me - would have atleast tried.. but no!!!
    top it all - he came home 7.30 pm itself. loittered til 8.30 pm and then went out - promising he would be back by 10.30 pm. mil told him to take me and not cancel our plan - but he said 'cannot cancel plan - already made'... !! and as usual - he dint come back on the promised time - got back by 11.40 pm and i was fast asleep. so here goes another chance - which i feel was because he dint try hard enough.

    when i told him we can go ' he said 'it was not his fault'...
    my Q - who's fault was it? mil said - we could go and come at ease. but he did not even ask me again. is it my fault??
     
  7. jewel4u86

    jewel4u86 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear,


    my suggestion is, dont take things or situations negatively just be positive.


    First of all cool down ur mind and think, where u did mistake or on which instance u could not take right step.


    According to me, when u want friends u should not check the wavelength instead u should check whether they are reliable, whether there are supportive, whether u can move out with them? Etc..


    U dont talk much. Instead of talking much u can start a conversation with ur colleagues on small things like paper, pen, how are they, whats new, any new place, restaurant, exhibition etc they might came across etc can be the topics. If ur DH has female friends then u can call his female and male friends select weekend for get together and meet them. If they agree then Dont ask ur hubby just inform him. Take ur MIL's permission in advance. The person is married or not should not make difference. Infact if they are married u have greater chance to hang out with them. U can plan with them some day in a week. Then call ur hubby that I m planning to go for a movie or something followed by dinner would u like to join me, if he says yes then its great. And if he says no then tell him ok then I will be going there and will return by this time. Come home hour late by the actual time u give.
    Even my hubby loves watching match and I get irritated. The thing which I do is I dont fight with him or tell him to switch off the TV. But tell him during breaks put some news channels in which cars and bike information are shown then I try to discuss on it. My DH has passion abt cars and bikes. U find out ur dh passion and try to have conversation on it durring add breaks in the match. Talk for sometime if u dont get response then dont get hyper. Just kiss on his head and say good night dear. I m feeling sleepy. And then take a pillow near u hug it and sleep. Do this atleast for 15 days. U will see a change in him.


    U make a list of ur likes and dislikes. Then when u feel stressed out, or get upset, irritated select from the list what u like and try to do that. I like to listen songs. So I sit alone and listen songs and then sleep. By the time I wake up, I feel freshness.


    Never ever expect anything from ur dh just try to get it by ur own way.


    Sometimes plan out to go for a day at ur parents house. Tell him that he can join if he wants. Also tell him that u will return by this time. Again go late. And put ur cell on silent mode one hour before the time u told ur dh to return. Then if he or someone asks for late cmg tell them ur cell was on silent mode or u were busy in shopping with ur family so dint noticed it or make any excuse u find better.


    Ask ur parents to accompany u for some movies or food in the evening.Remember one thing whatever plans u make, u should make it for the evening or on weekends. Dont bother what ur dh will do. He will make his plans in his way. If u involve his frnds in get together he would be left with no option except cmg with u. Get involved urself more with his friends. Then try to go for shopping and tell him that u will get late so they should not wait for u and can have there dinner.


    But whenever u come in front of ur hubby just show how much u love him, how much u care for him, u r ready to accept him as he is, u have no problem in his watching match etc. Even ur MIL should get jealous that how could u change so much. Love ur mil jst as ur mother. Do whatever she tells u. even if she gets angry on u if u r not in fault then jst say mom will take care next time, sorry for this time. And if she lets u go then say thank u mom. Ur sweet words are the weapon to change ur inlaws and dh towards u.


    Never ever get angry. Just note down the things on which u get anger and try to analyse it.

    Try to implement this things atleast for a month and then revert me. Hows ur life going on. Will wait for a positive feedback from ur side.

    Best of luck.
     
  8. braveheart

    braveheart New IL'ite

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    hi.... dont waste yr life..keep yr self busy, occupied, find a soul mate.. do what you feel is right and inform him that you woudl be doing this.
    human beings are hunters and will always hunt for what thye miss in their circle of life.
    at time such things are frustrating. common reply to your thread would be to talk to him, go alone out etc etc.
    dunno what works and what.
    from an equally frustrated soul
     
  9. jewel4u86

    jewel4u86 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Headspin,

    Where r u?

    Did u find any changes in ur life? please do not give up ur relations easily. Try again and again until and unless u get success.

    Wish u all the best!

    Whenever u need any help do msg me.
     

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