Hello ILs, You may already know my marriage situation. I have been going through the emotional roller coaster for years because of my marriage. Everytime I want to desperately get out of this marriage, I look at my kids and find some reason to convince myself to stay in this marriage. My DH and I are like house mates. We share an absolute big zero physical relationship. My DH has ED, communication problem (he hates to talk about himself to anyone), mood/anger management issues. There are various other issues with him that he like to blame me for every single thing happening in life. Anyway, I have written a lot about his behavior in my earlier posts. He is a great provider. He is financially stable. He is a good father. He sometimes throws his bad mood traits onto the kids but they're too young to understand. He also tries to spend quality time with them. My kids love their father. If I divorce him, I will not marry anyone else. I don't know how their step dad will behave with them and I am not ready for that. I knew my DH for 5 yrs before marriage and still I feel deceived. Anyway, I am leading a life with him and trying to keep myself occupied. I am financially stable, I take care of home and kids (95% of the work and DH does 5%). So 2 weeks back we had to attend some event. We were sitting in the very last row. My LO started crying while the event was going on and immediately 1 man sitting in the front looked at us (as if he is saying take the kid out of here) , which we understand (although it was a full family event). Anyway, within the fraction on a second, my DH looked at me so angrily and said "get out of here", I knew my LO needs milk and asked DH to give me her milk bottle as I was holding my LO, DH looked at me super angrily and started looking in the front totally ignoring me. I got scared and just left the hall without her milk. I went out and spent 25 mins with my LO and calmed her down. During this time neither DH came out to support, nor was he interested in the event. He came out after 25 mins and was extremely angry. On our way back home I said "how on earth can you be angry on us?" He didn't talk to me and only spoke to the kids. I don't know what did I do wrong. Forget about my DH feeling guilty about giving me a life of a celibacy, on top of that he behaves as if he is the victim. I feel he is playing some mind game with me. Trying to confuse me and make me believe I am no good. After kids went to sleep I went to his room and asked the reason and he replied "FO" Since this incident I stopped talking to him. 2 days later, he came asking me something about the kids, I said "FO". I have a zero background of bad words meaning never heard any bad words in my school, college, neighborhood, family in India. I learnt these from my DH. He used it on me and I learnt. Anyway, it has been 2 weeks that we didn't speak to each other. My DH seems comfortable. He leaves for work early asusual. even before the kids wakeup. Getting kids ready, feeding them, taking care of their lunch, snack, dinner, etc. is all my job. DH comes pretty late from work and when he comes food is ready. He spends a little time with kids, then he says he has office work and goes to his room (yes my DH for all the years of our marriage has had his own separate bedroom) and works on his laptop. His weekends if not work then are mostly dedicated towards kids. I question myself. Am I doing the right thing staying in this marriage? I hate it. I suffocate. If I leave him I will be selfish and I would hate myself for separating kids from my DH. I currently have most of the control over kids but still my DH manages to tell my kid that your mother doesn't even give me food. My kid asks me the reason. I explained that food is kept in the kitchen and he can take it himself. I just don't want kids to witness/dragged into these situations. I fear co-parenting after divorcing him. I am sure after I divorce him, his parents , aunts sister, her family all will stay with him one by one. I don't know what all things will be taught by my DH's family to my kids when they are with them. Also I hate the snowy, cold weather/climate here. If I apply for a divorce here itself, the chances are we will be given joint-custody (which i don't want) and also, then I can't move to any warmer place and will be stuck here. So, I think I should first plan to move to a warmer place, live there for 6 months and then apply for a divorce there. In any case moving out of this home is going to be extremely difficult. MY DH won't move out and how can I move out? He is definitely not going to hold my bags and say "you take care of kids and I will take care of your bags". He is going to make it worse for me. Once he mentioned that "I will cut your throat with a knife if you do that". Although that was long back, he apologized after I asked him to, said he won't say such things again and he doesn't mean it. But I am scared to move out. I am toooooo scared of him. Who will take care of our belonging here? I have bought furniture, car,etc. how can i move to a far away place? Do I have any support? My parents, support me but they don't know anything about here. They are old. Should I just say him I am going to India to visit my family. That will be very difficult too but I don't want to be a single mother in India. It won't be easy from society. I am trapped.