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Feeling Trapped

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by snehalJoshi, Feb 28, 2020.

  1. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Silver IL'ite

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    Hello ILs,

    You may already know my marriage situation.
    I have been going through the emotional roller coaster for years because of my marriage.
    Everytime I want to desperately get out of this marriage, I look at my kids and find some reason to convince myself to stay in this marriage.
    My DH and I are like house mates. We share an absolute big zero physical relationship.
    My DH has ED, communication problem (he hates to talk about himself to anyone), mood/anger management issues.
    There are various other issues with him that he like to blame me for every single thing happening in life.
    Anyway, I have written a lot about his behavior in my earlier posts.

    He is a great provider. He is financially stable. He is a good father. He sometimes throws his bad mood traits onto the kids but they're too young to understand. He also tries to spend quality time with them. My kids love their father.

    If I divorce him, I will not marry anyone else. I don't know how their step dad will behave with them and I am not ready for that. I knew my DH for 5 yrs before marriage and still I feel deceived.

    Anyway, I am leading a life with him and trying to keep myself occupied. I am financially stable, I take care of home and kids (95% of the work and DH does 5%).

    So 2 weeks back we had to attend some event. We were sitting in the very last row. My LO started crying while the event was going on and immediately 1 man sitting in the front looked at us (as if he is saying take the kid out of here) , which we understand (although it was a full family event). Anyway, within the fraction on a second, my DH looked at me so angrily and said "get out of here", I knew my LO needs milk and asked DH to give me her milk bottle as I was holding my LO, DH looked at me super angrily and started looking in the front totally ignoring me. I got scared and just left the hall without her milk. I went out and spent 25 mins with my LO and calmed her down. During this time neither DH came out to support, nor was he interested in the event. He came out after 25 mins and was extremely angry. On our way back home I said "how on earth can you be angry on us?" He didn't talk to me and only spoke to the kids.

    I don't know what did I do wrong. Forget about my DH feeling guilty about giving me a life of a celibacy, on top of that he behaves as if he is the victim. I feel he is playing some mind game with me. Trying to confuse me and make me believe I am no good.

    After kids went to sleep I went to his room and asked the reason and he replied "FO"

    Since this incident I stopped talking to him. 2 days later, he came asking me something about the kids, I said "FO". I have a zero background of bad words meaning never heard any bad words in my school, college, neighborhood, family in India. I learnt these from my DH. He used it on me and I learnt.

    Anyway, it has been 2 weeks that we didn't speak to each other. My DH seems comfortable. He leaves for work early asusual. even before the kids wakeup. Getting kids ready, feeding them, taking care of their lunch, snack, dinner, etc. is all my job. DH comes pretty late from work and when he comes food is ready. He spends a little time with kids, then he says he has office work and goes to his room (yes my DH for all the years of our marriage has had his own separate bedroom) and works on his laptop.
    His weekends if not work then are mostly dedicated towards kids.

    I question myself. Am I doing the right thing staying in this marriage? I hate it. I suffocate.
    If I leave him I will be selfish and I would hate myself for separating kids from my DH.

    I currently have most of the control over kids but still my DH manages to tell my kid that your mother doesn't even give me food. My kid asks me the reason. I explained that food is kept in the kitchen and he can take it himself.
    I just don't want kids to witness/dragged into these situations.

    I fear co-parenting after divorcing him. I am sure after I divorce him, his parents , aunts sister, her family all will stay with him one by one. I don't know what all things will be taught by my DH's family to my kids when they are with them.

    Also I hate the snowy, cold weather/climate here. If I apply for a divorce here itself, the chances are we will be given joint-custody (which i don't want) and also, then I can't move to any warmer place and will be stuck here.

    So, I think I should first plan to move to a warmer place, live there for 6 months and then apply for a divorce there.
    In any case moving out of this home is going to be extremely difficult. MY DH won't move out and how can I move out? He is definitely not going to hold my bags and say "you take care of kids and I will take care of your bags". He is going to make it worse for me. Once he mentioned that "I will cut your throat with a knife if you do that". Although that was long back, he apologized after I asked him to, said he won't say such things again and he doesn't mean it.
    But I am scared to move out. I am toooooo scared of him. Who will take care of our belonging here? I have bought furniture, car,etc. how can i move to a far away place?
    Do I have any support? My parents, support me but they don't know anything about here. They are old.
    Should I just say him I am going to India to visit my family. That will be very difficult too but I don't want to be a single mother in India. It won't be easy from society.

    I am trapped.
     
    AmulB and EightKittens like this.
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  2. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    i am sorry to hear about your situation. I myself came out of physically and emotionally abusive marriage. I understand how you feel. Couple of questions:
    1. You said you knew your DH for 5 years before marriage. What triggered this sort of angry behavior from your DH ? Do both of you have some past history as to why this relationship soured.

    2. Has any medical issues been causing this behavior in DH? My ex suffered from Graves’ disease that is known to make a person very irritable and unstable. No amount of anger management can bring him under control until his TSH level is correctly stabilized. Does your DH have any underlying medical issue that may be causing his angry behavior ?

    3. Mental health issues like depression, bipolar can also be a reason. Has any medical evaluation been done ?

    3. If if is a personality issue do you both recognize the damage it is causing ? Has he tried any anger management therapy, yoga, meditation etc ?

    Regards,
    Kavya
     
    AmulB likes this.
  3. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    File the divorce and everything else will fall into place and everyone will get used to the new arrangement in one year. PERIOD.

    You cannot get answers to every doubt, fear, anxiety this minute. God only throws light on one step at a time, you have trust your instincts and march forward. I was exactly in your position in 2017 Nov. Today I am a happy single mom. Everybody has gotten used to the new arrangement and moved on. End of story.

    You are in so much pain, why are you thinking about others and self-sabotaging yourself ... OMG

    PS- I read all your posts and used to think "why is this lady talking in this forum, she should be talking to a lawyer"
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2020
    Metamorphic, shama146, AmulB and 2 others like this.
  4. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Silver IL'ite

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    If I file a divorce here (situation: we both are living under the same roof), I will be given a joint-custody and I don't want that.

    I want to move to a different state. The question is - can I move to a different state, live there with kids and be financially stable and take care of kids? Yes, I can. I am confident.

    The bigger problem is DH won't let me move-out.
     
    EightKittens likes this.
  5. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    First of all you cannot just take your kids and move,your DH also a parent and without his consent you cannot take your kids anywhere. Second of all you dont decide if you want joint custody or not. The court will decide based on how fit you and your DH are in your parenting skills. Joint custody is the norm and its GOOD FOR THE KIDS. Pls talk to a lawyer, you seem to have no clue about custody. lots of free phone consultations are available.

    If you are planning to move as a family then move there and file divorce. The court will grant 50-50 and its ideal if both of you get an apartment near the school. Thats what normally happens. One parent cannot make decisions. Its good for kids if both parents are close by.
     
    SinghManisha, AmulB, Topaz49 and 2 others like this.
  6. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Which state do you live in? Just like you for many, many years I agonized over the decision of divorce. I finally decided enough is enough after my ex assaulted me and I had to call the cops to protect myself. But even after that incident I realized aggressive litigation will be a total waste of money and I tried to convince my ex for divorce through mediation. I was ready to give him golden exit package. Take more money, custody whatever you want. Just let me go in peace. But NO he did not want divorce. He would not agree and everyday I felt totally trapped and unhappy.

    Finally I filed for divorce in Nov 2017. My ex is still not ready to let me go. He says he misses me, told me even 2 days back that he won't let me go that easily !!! Guess what !! I wasted 17 years in a bad marriage. Now when I look back I regret and wish I had mustered the courage to file petition earlier rather than wasting the best years of my life. I chickened out because of the same reasons you gave. What a waste !!

    I don't know which state you live in. I live in California. Thankfully if one partner decides to get a divorce the other partner cannot hold the person back indefinitely. Once divorce is filed then it will roll forward. If couples cannot come to agreement on custody, home etc then decision will go to court. But irrespective you need to ask yourself:
    1. Can the marriage be salvaged ?
    2. Are you interested in putting the effort to salvage it?
    3. Have you done everything possible to save your marriage? Did you try therapy etc?

    Now also I feel guilty sometimes about divorce. My divorce happened primarily due to the stress of medical issues. My ex cries easily and when he cries I used to feel bad about it. It ended up affecting both our health. A few months back my DH complained of heart palpitations etc. I pushed him to see his endocrinologist and his thyroid hormone was totally out of whack. Due to all the problems in my marital life I also succumbed to depression.
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2020
    AmulB, Amulet and senorita2019 like this.
  7. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    I have read your previous posts. I think you should file divorce first and everything else will fall in place. You can move to different city not different country. Then he will have to send plane tickets for kids which will be less frequent. How old are your kids now? You can find job in new city and start new life. Do it now till you have energy. If you suffocate every day your confidence and energy will go down. Talk with good lawyers about custody and moving to different city.
     
  8. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    OP, In my opinion without a job in hand moving ahead for divorce is not a wisething. Get a job first. After you settled down in a job, talk to him about separation. That will give him a hint that atleast from then on he has to watch his behaviour while talking to you. If he continues to ill-treat you or blame you for everything, then talk about divorce. Even if he doesn't agree move out of the house.
    From your older posts, I think your husband will not allow you to have sole custody of your daughter, he too will fight strongly for custody, you need to be prepared for that. Take a professional help at that time. So first get a job, and move one step at a time. Best wishes to get a job.
     
    SinghManisha and Angela123 like this.
  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    your H is not a good parent . you may think he is. any father if his lo is crying will leave that spot to help. sometimes men do not know what to do, but they will try to help.

    just because some random guy is showing anger face, father cannot show .

    your are getting good feedback here. think about it calmly and decide further.
     
    AmulB likes this.
  10. Tubinbataye

    Tubinbataye New IL'ite

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    How joint custody will be good for kids? Pl explain. It would be of great help for my situation
     

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