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Feeling Somewhat Insecure..pls Counsel Me

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Needtobestrong, Dec 11, 2017.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Sometimes I feel very low..though I have love for my husband I feel very insecure as well...due to certain interpersonal relations of his..
    First of all I don't suspect him of any affair..
    Many incidents that happened in past and recent events are making me insecure..
    During newly married days I was working in a very stressful job ..i had very limited number of leaves and couldn't apply leave for all religious functions and all family functions...I was unable to attend one function as there was critical issue in office..he knew about it but fought with me bitterly and didn't talk to me for several days..
    When I was pregnant I laws were forcing me to travel for some function..I told him I said wasn't comfortable travelling still he was forcing..only after doctor prohibited he from travelling due to complication he dropped the idea..
    I fell very sick during pregnancy, that time my In laws made him run around to pick and relatives and run errands for them..I begged him not to go but he dint listen..he just can't say no..next day when my fever increased only they took me to doc..
    I shiver when I recall my helplessness..
    When some relative needed to be taken to hospital they called him late night and he rushed to hospital to help them..
    When my baby was born prematurely I had many restrictions like no visitors and no taking him to crowded public place etc..but in laws made my life miserable by forcing me to invite relatives and to travel to outstation for function..I only answered back and cancelled..he dint support me..
    When my baby fell sick I had so many sleepless nights and was unwell..that time my MIL who was not in town came to help , she was travelling..during return journey mil was supposed to come home and relatives were supposed to go to some other relatives house..I told him clearly I m not in a position to entertain anyone pls don't invite..but he invited all of them to our home itself...I dint bother cooking for them neither did I make snacks for them..brought some stuff from outside and paid one of the cook in our neighbourhood by giving her extra cash to make few items..but the bitterness lingered..I couldn't take rest though my body was aching.
    I became mother after many years of marriage only..many person nap and health reasons were behind this I'm not going into it..but during Ttc days I was so stressed out, whenever I attended any function or gatherings people would ask unwanted questions like when is good news etc..I was not comfortable with a particular relative, but he still forced me to attend that persons family function.
    his relatives are chilled out and they concentrate on their families only..don't know why my DH only is like this.
    I feel so insecure..his relatives and parents are always top priority, what about wife n child?
    I feel resentment towards those people. ..is society and relations so important that they stop a man from doing duty towards wife n child?
    How can I make him disregard those people and attend to me n child?
     
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  2. prreeya

    prreeya Silver IL'ite

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    Dont think all this as even if you think you cant change anything...as men are always belong to their family mom dad bro and sis...when it comes to duty we are dils .
    Telling you from experience dont stress yourself nor trouble him as it gets more worst if you try to question.
    I got the answer that whatever you did is every woman is doing it nothing special you did.
    See other women laughing and.loving always.
     
  3. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    U r a strong woman to have gone through all this. I know it is tough. Been in tough situations before and after pregnancy. These experiences made me strong. Now our concentration should be to make the best out of this life. You can do it. Have Hope. Ur husband will understand u one day.
     
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  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    just ignore .u take care of urself and kid.
    why does he need to work for relatives, parents i can understand
     
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  5. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    You are not happy with the spouse, cannot change his behavior and I assume , want to stay in the marriage. So the best case scenario is to keep your expectations from husband really really low, focus on your child and YOURSELF. Try to be emotionally independent, build inner strength with meditation , self help books , counseling , being religious or finding some purpose in life other than hoping to gain DH’s attention. Once you feel secure because of YOUR inner strength ( not husband’s attention) , you will no longer resent him or the rest of the world. Insecurity comes from within, not from others behavior. Wish you the best ! Take care !
     
  6. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    At one point of time a husband will understand that wife too is his priority.till then no gyan will make him understand. Only solution is we have to be independent both emotionally plus we need to know to take care of ourselves and drive ourselves or take taxi , bus etc even if we are not well . Been there, done that
     
  7. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Op,

    I know its very easy to advice but difficult to follow, but still you have to do it for your own and your kid sake.

    1. Take care of yourself first and your kid which includes physical and mental health. So try to get emotionally independent, develop some hobbies, go for outing with your kid and friends.

    2. Let your Dh take care of his family, you need not be bothered for them be with your kid.

    3. When you are forced to attend any family function your appearance should be eg no need to interact much just smile or pretend you are very sleepy and tired, go for simple clothing or jewelry, minimum make up, enjoy the food and music.

    4. Insecurity part - You are financially independent, educated, homely and committed person and above all you are a mother who can manage home and office efficiently so please DELETE this thought from your mind. You are a strong woman.
     
  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks ladies..was feeling low n created this thread..
    I'm not financially independant as of now..I'm an SAHM right now, I've taken a career break..I will go for work when my child is old enough.
    The self confidence I had when I was working is something I kinda miss now. ..
    But what to do..I had to take a break..
    I think I should get first priority as the wife, irrespective of whether I'm a housewife or a working woman.
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2017
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  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Most Indian husbands are like that. They are raised that way to die for parents, siblings and their chosen relatives; and they will make wife die too for them!.Wife is always be last and her contribution is always seen as lacking compared to the "imaginary ideal wife/DIL". I've realised there is no logic to the behaviour of these men, but that's the way they are raised and they can't help it. You should feel pity for such men who can't judge right and wrong, and always behave mama's boy even after growing up.
    That's why better to focus your thoughts and energy, on yourself and your child. One day, your husband will surely realise his mistakes.They all do. But you can't waste your life pining after him.That's why better to focus on a life apart from husband- work/hobbies, own friends , own family and kid. Don't become emotionally dependent on him. He and his judgement power will always belong to his parents and siblings. This is Indian marriage. Do your duty as your conscience tells you. For other things, try to avoid diplomatically.
    I admire you atleast you took some steps like not cooking for his guests on that particular occasion, and standing up for yourself in general. Many women just silently suffer and agree to everything, thus inviting even more suppression. I wish you continue to be strong.
     
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  10. Ineedhelp1

    Ineedhelp1 Bronze IL'ite

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    Sending hugs and prayers to op.

    Check on codependency. If that is the base your problems work on it. God bless you.
     

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