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Feeling Low

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pranam, Jul 3, 2012.

  1. pranam

    pranam Senior IL'ite

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    It will be 5 years in the US. I came on a H-4. Went through all the frustrations that come with it. Unfortunately my husband and I did not discuss before marriage how life will shape up after coming here. In short, we did not plan ahead. We had problems just before our marriage and soon after,with my husband threatening to call it off a day before marriage without warning. So we had a rocky start. I should have caught the signals there and decided to call it off but thinking about my parents and all the guests who had travelled from out of town to attend the marriage, I decided to make it work.

    Things started settling down in the marriage front and I deciden to focus on my career. Enrolled in college, got a masters and finally landed an internship. Now after 5 long years of waiting to jump start my career, my husband suddenly decides I am not the right person for him. He said things like - you need to be a go getter, he blames his parents for pushing him into this ( after 5 years i got to know he was pushed into it). He has shouted at me to get out of his house after a fight. Not once, has he encouraged me. My confidence is at an all time low after I speak to him. Anyway I have a couple of interviews for a full time position. My husband just wants me to get a job and then move out of his house.We have been sleeping separately in different rooms for the past 5 months.

    At this stage, I feel drained out.I can't talk to his family and I don't want to. I had a lot of family interference in the first year of marriage which has was unpleasant. I have a cordial and polite relationship with his family. I don't hate them. I don't love them. My family is busy with my brother who recently got married and I don't want to burden them with my problems.

    I know I need to focus on my interview. I wish things were normal and happy on the homefront.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Pranam,

    The answer is in your post. Focus on the interview.

    Women generally have to develop the ability to multiplex and to be able to switch off parts of the brain. For example, women who live with in-laws and have small children, even if they are living peacefully, when they leave home, they have to consciously stop the mind from pondering over the going-ons at home. Similarly, when they leave work in the evening, they have to consicously leave office worries and tensions at work. It is compartmentalization of different parts of daily life.

    In your case, it is imperative that you should separate the interview and job hunt from your current situation in life. You already know this, and I am guessing, you are also working hard on this, and the post is more a vent or sharing.

    Good Luck. A full time job changes many things - including how you and others think about you.

    -Rihana
     
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  3. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    If only wishing could bring about changes. The world would have been a better place. I understand what you are going through and also that it is difficult to just switch off from the family upheaval and concentrate on your career. But given that there is an uncertainty on the home front, i would say, you MUST secure a job. Get that in your hand, because that will make you independent, at least financially.

    The way I see it, forgive me - i could be way wrong here, I feel that both of you are frustrated. Probably for different reasons. But finally, it came down to him saying that 'leave me as soon as you get a job'. He was "pushed" into it. You went through the whole frustrating H4 process. This has been simmering for over 5 years. Am just wondering, how was your relationship with your husband all through these 5 years. the usual tensions not withstanding - where you guys happy? how was his attitude towards you? Looks like there has been serious communication gaps - before and after marriage. Does it take 5 years to know that he didn't want to marry you? Have you spoken to each other? a Heart to Heart conversation?

    I see a faint glimmer of hope here, because he "allowed" you to get your masters and he is willing to wait for you to get a job, stand on your own feet, before you leave. This means he is not a tupical "villainous husband". Just a human being with the usual complexities that we humans are meant to have.

    I really think you can work this out, a little faith, a little prayer and loads of will power and patience to sort this out. I would say talk to him.

    He says, he was "pushed" into it (wonder how that happens - don't they have tongue when it comes to parents? Oh I forgot they don't!)[​IMG]
     
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  4. peacetips

    peacetips Silver IL'ite

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    Focus on your job front. The rest will fall in place. The more you feel low, the more you will loose self confidence. You need to be brave and strong for your interview. These processes take time, and be prepared to deal with that stress instead of what your H says. Pay deaf ears to what he says regarding separation.

    If you could manage to stand in your own feet, then you would be a totally different person, and may better decide what is good for you: To stay or leave the marriage.
     
  5. falgunid18

    falgunid18 Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with Soulful completely.

    I understand you must be going thru a very rough phase and it is very diffuclt situation for you. But for now, for ur well being, just concetrate on ur interviews. As dificult as it seems, try ur best for applying jobs. This will give you self confidence, financial stability, and a broader window to re-think everything. Your Dh may also meanwhile might realise ur importance, once u step out.

    Even though he might utter nonsense words to you, but at the end of the day, since u were with him for 5 yrs, he might be bound to "miss you" when u r not around him. Things might look ugly at start, but will slowly get better.
    Have faith in God and be patient.

    It is good that u r in US. You will get wide opportunities here and can start ur life independently w/o any criticsm.

    Also Just a personal advice -- If u r planning to take job in a different city than ur Dh, make sure u learn driving (if u dunt knw) and get a drivers license.
     
  6. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with others tat u should focus on the interview. After u get a job u don't need to move out. If he has a problem ask him to move out.
    Also if he wants to break things ,he needs to call his family and tell, not you.don't underestimate ur parents, even if they r busy they will always help.
    But first of all focus on ur job interviews ,etc. if he doesn't want u ,do u want to stay with him ?

    Good luck,be strong. Don't let anyone bully you.
    FL
     
  7. MaritalBliss

    MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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    It's very sad that he said all these things to you..but what is the context, as in what happened that he had to say this..

    It's not normal to sleep apart for 5 months...did you guys try counselling...

    He is being such a jerk...how can he just throw you out like that...are you sure he is not seeing anyone else?

    For now, you try to look as happy as you can...go out with friends and enjoy yourself...when he sees that you can be happy without him..he may change his attitude...

    You seem like a very nice person, it is his loss if anything and he does not deserve you...

    How is it that he expects you to work, men should be the breadwinner..if wife works well and good...if not, so what???

    You see, he is telling you that he would love you more if you work..but love is unconditional...even if this was arranged, did he not grow to love you all these years..

    He is just not worth it...stand up for yourself and try to get a job...after that you just do like what I said..show him that you can be happy without him.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2012
  8. shahidafs

    shahidafs Silver IL'ite

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    @ Pranam

    Firstly when you knew that he wanted to call off the wedding,why did you think about people from village and the other arrangements?????:bonk I really know how it feels when the marriage is called off,but if you would have let it go then,now you would'nt have landed up with a man who does not deserve you.:rant In my neighbourhood this hapened the marriage was just called off a day before,because there were problems b/w the parets of both the families,and the so called groom is enjoying his life not bothered about his relatives or society.now what was not clear in this thread was,why is he blaming you and what are the reasons for the fight.:spinwhat has happened is happened here are the things that I feel you need to do.
    1) build confidence and ensure that you would not express the pain that your going through by Dh's decision
    2)Get a job and once you feel your at the right place professionally,
    3)Check if your husband is seeing some other woman that he is so keen in throwing you out.If he is not
    4)talk to your husband openly,so as to what is his problem and what are the changes that he wants in you,and whether it is possible for you to bring those changes in you to make this marriage work, and decide a time period like two months or so to see after the changes are incorporated,is there any positive outcome.
    5)God forbid if it is not working then first thing you would do is narrate the entire story to your parents without a miss on single point so that they will take a better decision for you,do not hesitate irrespective of whether it is your brother's wedding or honeymoon after all it is your life and you need to shape it.

    Sorry for the long post and for the harsh words,.Lastly what I would suggest is whatever come may you just have to be rock like solid to face it and do not show your dh that your weak,just remeber this
    Zindagi mohtaaj nahin manzilon ki,waqt har manzil dikha deta hai,
    Marta nahin koi kisise juda hokar ,waqt sabko jeena sikha deta hai,:bowdown
    When you just tell this to yourself trust me it makes wonders,I am the best example for following the above saying,
    Will definitely remember you in my prayers,

    Cheers!!!!! :cheers
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2012

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