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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by kenny, Feb 3, 2011.

  1. maya69

    maya69 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Kenny,

    Honestly Kenny, reading your most recent post I got a little irritated at you with the way you were were asking permission after permission for this whole trip, reading into his irritation etc. When you asked, he said ok but he can't come because of whatever, you simply should have said I'll miss you and gone. the whole point of the trip is to give you a break. He gave permission, who cares if it was with irritation. Go and rest at your parents place. Then you can come back and tackle your relationship with a fresh mind. Be a little confident and do something for yourself too, not always for others. Don't show any guilt. If you act so subservient they will take advantage of you.

    I dont have any solutions to your mil issue. your dh or mil has realize how it is bothering you and let go of the apron strings a little. The more you try to separate them from each other, the more they will get resentful of you. So let them be. You enjoy your time with hubby however you can.

    But your post touched a nerve in me because I went through a major fight with my dh recently on a similar issue...... the issue being always trying to please but still things were always your fault.

    In my case, my DH is very loving, helps with chores, kids, freely lets me spend money, wants to spend time with me. But if any little thing goes wrong in the household whether it is some forms, laundry, things breaking in the house..he would find a way to insinuate that it was always my fault. Sometimes it was my fault but most times it wasn't anyones fault. I was not a super confident person to begin with and his accusations ate at my confidence. It became a vicious cycle....where I ran around trying to be perfect and to please. But the result was I lived in fear of my DH finding faults. And it was getting hard to live like that. I think you are doing the same in your life...growing fearful of your husband and you need to stop this now.

    Again you are asking if you did wrong here...but the point is it will never be good enough as far as they are concerned right? So just accept this and proceed to do the best for you. Bring back your mind and body to a happy equilibrium by spending time with your parents.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2011
  2. aniShekar

    aniShekar Platinum IL'ite

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    I beg to differ on this...I feel Kenny's not in the right frame of mind, just now, to cope up with pregnancy, birth and a new baby. Pls don't mistake me - I'm NOT saying Kenny's not mommy material -I'm sure she'll be a great mom, but my point is that RIGHT NOW, she's got too much on her plate to handle.

    As I see it, there's quite a lot of things to be straightened out - her MIL has to learn not to be such a clinging vine; her husband has to learn that spending time with his wife does not mean he's negecting his mother, and Kenny herself has to learn to accept some things/situations cannot be changed, and learn to live with it/alter it to the best of her ability.

    I don't know how much of a change of heart her MIL will display; but Kenny has to work on her husband and her own mentalities first, before going in for a child. Right now, this marriage is cramped enough as it is, why bring in a helpless baby into the turmoil?

    But I agree with the others here.....Kenny, you've apologized enough....do make a move, go to your parent's place and take a good long break. You can figure out solutions to all these problems later.
     
  3. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    @maya,anishekhar and sng-
    its not that i was forcing him to go....infact what i am trying to say is that i had planned to go my family and just that before going i needed to confirm the dates thats why was asking dh again and again....because each time whenver i had asked him to finalise the dates he used to not speak properly....so was just wanting to know what is wrong why is he not behaving properly...thats it...i had accepted he doesnt want to join me...do it is alright...at least be normal rather than giving me all this crap...
    and u say i should not have asked her...last time i did not ask her to join me-and on that my dh had pounced upon me that i dont ask her out...
    im basicaly surprised at what a small thing it was and why it came up in such a big fight....he has just been blaming me and my parents for it....and now both are not speaking to me...they are busy with their own self...talking to each other...and as usual im ignored...im fed up...how do i tackle this....what do i tell him now...u guys feel i shouldnt have asked her or him....but what if i would have not asked him....again the things would have come on me that i didnt eve ask them to join....this happens every time...i dont know which way to go...:drowning
    i was just so excited to join every one...and after all this evn if i go...i wont e able to enjoy there...will just keep thinking about all this...and neither is my bro telling me to come now...he says he would come in 2 weeks time and try to sort out what prob he has with them...he said he will just do a friendly conversation...
    dont know...how to handle this....
    im just surprised after 3 years out of all the love ...this is what i get from him...only hatred ...my smallest thing he will be cursing and he has just hyped up the issue...now what should i tell him to sort the matter...my mind is not functioning...
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2011
  4. aniShekar

    aniShekar Platinum IL'ite

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    Kenny,

    If you husband's hyping the affair up, then you downplay it. So if they're acting injured and ignoring you, just leave them to sulk with each other. You've asked them both, repeatedly, and they didn't deign to give a proper reply. So you do a bit of ignoring in your turn now. Don't try to sort the matter at all, just shelf it. I know it can be very difficult, but it's definitely not going to be as bad as asking/talking to them about this time and again, and then torturing yourself with the replies you get.

    IMO, first of all you need a good break. And if you are going to your parent's place, then I strongly feel you should leave your emotional baggage here - otherwise, there would be no point in all this disagreement. I know that this is difficult, too - most of our time is spent fretting over uncomfortable things. I do this little trick - when something's annoying me, I try to focus absolutely on the task at hand at that moment, however trivial it may be. If I'm at office - I don't let my mind wander away from the project I'm working on. At home, simply focus on whatever I'm doing - cooking, reading, whatever. If the negative thoughts still keep intruding, I talk to myself (in my head, though) - if I'm doing a project, I go on as though I'm explaining to someone else, and if I'm cooking, I pretend I'm a celebrity chef on a TV show....and more often than not, the thoughts don't bug me as much. Perhaps this would work for you, do give it a try......

    So right now, just put away your blue thoughts, and think about the peace and quiet you'd have in a few days from now. You do have some serious thinking to do, and some serious courses of action to charter, but they'd keep. Just relax both your mind and body.

    P.S: It's unfortunate that your brother's been brought into this.....but he's absolutely right- coming round after a while and carrying on a polite conversation....:thumbsup
     
  5. sng

    sng Senior IL'ite

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    your DH will be happy..if u also do not go there...So do u want to make them happy this way...NO right

    There will be no benefit if ur bro comes and talk.....These folks will never get changed....So useless...Most of guys are like that....They know u r a great help iin house hold things so they want u to be there with u or if u go u should take them too...This is what they are trying to do to show u tantrums....avoid them by ignoring them and show them as u r also busy in packing and all....if they talk to each other...u start talking over phone to ur folks in other room..and get a good sleep...do not consult about dates with him..just book...start packing...

    Gal u have to be matured...just tell them about dates...if he shows tantrums that why didnt u ask them..tell them ur age so and so..u r enough matured to take ur decisions about meeting ur parents atleast...and leave the place...once they will realize ur strongness..they will be down...BUT U HAVE TO BE STRONG...or atleast show them u r a strong lady...and My advice is do not ask ur folks to put their feet in this matter...becz if there is any huse fight then u will be sad..they might forget but u will not

    See gal whenever meeting parents issue will come once in a year..there will be drama like that...u should be prep for that now....I have been married from last 6 yrs..and still meeting to my parents is a huge fight issue...so I m prep for that....I know it ahead..now I have baby so issue is we want to see our grand daughter so u have to come our house only and spend 4:1 vacations only...This is our fate what can we do..whenever I visit them it is fight...after coming from there everything is normal.. :)
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2011
  6. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    hi guys...
    @sng n anishekar-
    not that i dont wana go...but situation is such if i walk out right now...this relationship will take a v bad shape....so my folks are also not advising me to come immed...
    i will ofourse go but after 2-3 weeks...
    i want the matter to cool down a litle...
    and by the way i tried to speak to my husb yesterday...in a calm manner...he was as usual says al neagtive..
    i tried to pacify him...but couldnt complete the converstaion as someone came up.
    will complete agan and just tell him to cool down...as there was no intentions nor was doing anything
    wont drag anything but...but im thinking il tell him clearly that if he cant be good to them at least not be bad .....il go on my own always...and spend time with them...what else can i do...i cant change is dirty thinking...
    feels why i got into this trap...my sins of past life may be...as they say...wish God would come down and i could just ask him what else is in store...
    and why he is doing this to me n my family...
    just too sick of ev thing...:rant
     
  7. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    hi guys...
    @sng n anishekar-
    not that i dont wana go...but situation is such if i walk out right now...this relationship will take a v bad shape....so my folks are also not advising me to come immed..So, basically even your folks know how you are being treated and asking you to play to your H and Mil's tune..
    i will ofourse go but after 2-3 weeks...So rest of your life you will be always adjusting to their wishes
    i want the matter to cool down a litle..What if it never cools down every time you bring the subject the same drama begins.
    and by the way i tried to speak to my husb yesterday...in a calm manner...he was as usual says al neagtive..Nothing new right.
    i tried to pacify him...What the heck is he a baby to listen to you. He has already made up his mind how he is going to behave.but couldnt complete the converstaion as someone came up.
    will complete agan and just tell him to cool down...as there was no intentions nor was doing anything
    wont drag anything but...but im thinking il tell him clearly that if he cant be good to them at least not be bad .....il go on my own always...and spend time with them...Good explain yourself one last time to him what else can i do...i cant change is dirty thinking..Yep, you can't change anyone..
    feels why i got into this trap...because you were not knowing the true colors of your MIL and H before marriage my sins of past life may be...NO not past life. Its present life after knowing the true colors of them you are basically dancing to their tunes . as they say...wish God would come down and i could just ask him what else is in store...
    and why he is doing this to me n my family...OH why me question since you are dancing to their tune, do it happily and don't complain and say why me.
    just too sick of ev thing...:rant
     
  8. aniShekar

    aniShekar Platinum IL'ite

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    If you are going after 2-3 weeks, then I suggest in the interim, you DONT do anything like talking to him big time....they are unpleasant enough already, so if you can going to relate some home truths, they aren't going to like it at all, and would possibly become even more unpleasant! It wouldn't matter much if it didn't bother you, but since you seem to get so upset at their behaviour, why do you want to stir things up further? As far as they are concerned, they are right. And so far you 've been unable to convince them otherwise....so why do you think you can drastically alter their behaviour to be polite to your parents? IMO, it would be infinitely better if you do go by yourself....no point inflicting their bad behaviour on your parents.

    If you have set your heart upon your holiday, take things easy in the meantime. Use your weeks off to plan how to act when you get back(rationally, without getting upset - believe me, it is easier to do this when you are away from them). Personally, I feel you should take some time away from them to gather yourself.

    One more thing, I know it's very easy and quite natural to feel sorry for ourselves, but you SHOULD snap out of this "things are bad, so I'm sad" attitude. Things are bad - but you always have the option of either making them alright or moving away. The call's yours. If you want to make this marriage work, you'll have to stand up to the bullying AND work on your husband......perhaps with time, he might change(MIL, I'm not too sure). If you feel it's just not working, then you should move away, or at least consider seperation, for a while.

    Plenty of thinking to do, so take your break, and think calmly,.....all the best.
     
  9. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    hey guys...though after that episode...my husb has started talking normally to me...but every time he is talking to me...he is showing how stressed out he is....i said im also v much stressed my bp is v high...he says his collegues were also asking whats wrong since he was not smiling and was v quiet in office...
    so what does he wana say....who created the issue..did i do it or he....he is showing here that he is in a bad state after what i had done....and that he is mentally broken down...rather im the one who is internally brooding for what all crap he said for me n my family....only when on way back again i had a talk with him....though i was the one who was speaking didnt let him speak...just normally told him...that all i asked for was that i want to know the dates...
    where has seperation from mil come into picture...he says why i asked her if she wants to join me theer if i dont wana take her....
    i said i was serious and if she wants to join me ...i would have gone to my parents rt now alone and later with both of them woud have gone to my brothers...(actually my plan was to tell my parents to come to my city and togethr we)me n my parents) would have gone to his place...but since his mom had shown her interest in going-by her body langauage...so i was ready to just to go to my parents and later with them to bros...
    so what do i explain him here....it is his bad thinking....i never said anything....why does he have to think only bad about them n me...he should look at the positive side of things...on top of that he is showing that he is the one affected bodily and mentally...ofcourse he may be....but even im equally-even more affected.....so what do i do for that...
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2011
  10. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    @anishekar-
    i know what u r trying to say...butt his attitude also chnaged past 2 days...he is not soeaking to me in an aggressive manner but is quite sad and low when he is talking...but is sad syaing why i and my family do this to my mother...each time we started the topic...it was at max 5 min we could talk and then had to stop the conversation...and at bedtime...im not in that state to discuss ...neither is he...as he is aready cribbing he is in pain...
    (he has some health probs going on)so i dont bother him...but morn also he told me we have to find a solution to it...:drowning:bonk what solution i should giv him..he should stop thinking negative ...tht is the only thing what i wna tell him and grow up and be a man...
     

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