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feeling low

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by kenny, Feb 3, 2011.

  1. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    im actually feeling very low and dejected today...infact past many days i am actualy very sad...iv spoken u lovely ladies and received ur advices also...
    also m trying to implement those also but somehow im not getting that peace of mind....
    im really sad....every day this thing comes in my mind-why a peson marries when theer are only probs and probs after marriage...
    my husb who should be my best friend,with whom i can talk my heart out....doesnt understand me....
    although no major incidece has takne place offlate but just that im too stressed out and upset....that we have to be manipulative and act even at home...as every one suggests here...
    As u all know my my husb is a momma's boy and my mil is an extremely overpossessive lady bout my husb...
    I feel till the time i am a yes baby and keep listening to them...its fine...but if i do things my way then what i get is only ridicule...:bonk
    i was just so sick of every thing and since past month i was planning to go to my parents...who live in a diff city...
    offocurse i asked my dh to come along but he always has a no to it...he had been saying all thses days that u go can go...i dont have leave...tell me when the tickets are to be done...
    today when i fnaly planned with my parents and asked my dh whether xyz dates are suitale....shall i go...then he says ....i dont know abot myself...im quite busy....i told him i need to go...is it ok for me to go that time....but then he says do whatever u want....i was really hurt...i dint sa anything but was really anggry....what does he mean to say by this....
    now i will have to ask his dear mom whether she wants to accompany me to my parents...and plead infront of her....why....its been 6 months i have not gone to them....i have no emotional support here....dont i need to go to them....
    why do i have to beg them for it...isnt it my right to go....
    im just upset of my life....i know i will go to them but after all this pleading session....why do i have to fight it every time to go....am i doing a crime...
    what do thses momma's boys and their moms think of us...
    nobody helps me with basic household chores ....i do ev thing daily for them....wat i get at the end of the day....only sarcastic comments on those things that i havent done....if i answer back -my dh says ''look at the way she talks''...
    im a human and need some love afer all...im realy upset....i cant tell u...
    i dont get any space with my dh..if at all we go out alone...mil will be making a sick face and not speak at all....she wants to cling whereveer we go...its been 3 yrs now of marriage...when will things improve,,,how much do i ignore....and u guys say be polite and firm....thats what i do....but still have to hear and never be appreciaed....
    sometmes i feel like just siting with my husb and tell him what all imfeeling...
    but i NEVER get that time wth him alone because his mom is always wth us....
    i have been having high bp prob after marriage..only bcoz of this stress....and on that dh says-''tumhara bp to hamesha high rahta hai-short circuit jo rahti ho hamesha.....''occasioanlly he asks me what i keep thinking about....but i have no answer....can i telll him it is his mom and him...NO...how do i make my life better....
    we do have happy times too...but offlate im too dejected and sad...wanted someone to understand me...but...:drowning
    i was such a fun loving a cheerful person,every one used to love my company....but now i hate my self and my life...im just sick of ev thing...
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2011

  2. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    You are not on any kind of medication are you? I also used to feel this way. You need to talk to someone (like a doctor). Feeling low/sad once in a while is OK but if it is constant, this could lead to depression.

    I know this because I have been there. Take care dear. Today isnt the greatest days for me either :hide:.
  3. zeebumba

    zeebumba New IL'ite

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    Dear Kenny,

    This is Zeebumba from the Southern Part of India, from th Top of the hills of the Western Ghats, Well I happen to read your sad story as I was surfing the web, I am really sorry for your bad expreinece, I can see you depositing all your grievances in the form of alphabets so you really ventilate and become light, good.

    Though I am a guy and it is a girl's problem, still May be I can suggest you another better way to handle this.

    Kenny I could possible find you are very tired of yur wedded life, Pls do-not feel depressed, as a matter of fact, the world's strongest living beings are the FEMALE beings in the animal kingdom you should be feeling rather great for being an WOMAN - the Feminine.

    Kenny your problems are easily handleable trust me, First pls try to understand just the simple fact and set up of the Indian Family sentiments. You may be another M.Law tomoro and you may another possessive mum to your son tomoro.

    Indian Parents are very parental attentive to their children it had been our tradition & customs , and mothers become more attached , possessive to their sons as they grow old due to the fear of missing their son's LOVE & ATTENTION becos of the new and fascinating relation of his wife. It is matter of sense of INSECURITY . It is quite natural from her shoes. Pls first accept this unpleasant fact.

    Kenny life is full of compromise & sacrifice, I remember you had spoken that U r a fun loving girl and very happy as a lark always and you make your company feel happy always then Y is that U have problem in making your hubby & his mother happy.

    Come on Kenny U first try to see his M.Law as your Mother , TRUST ME buddy real LOVE make miracles, I challenge you U LOVE your Hubby family first, & then U love your hubby, It seems that he wishes the same. U try to ACT that is enof, U will see the change either you will start loving his family in real or U will see your Hubby loving you Real either way your problem will be solved.

    He talk high about yur M.Law to your Hubby, U appreciate some thing or other to your M.Law, you try to be a perfect D.Law from her vision. what ever U do do it full heartedly, U earnestly do your House hold work to your hubby & M.Law and do it with LOVE ( atleast meke them feel that you LOVE them ).

    Sure you will see the changes, after all your M.Law needs some special attention and Pampering. and your Hubby needs you to more concerned to his mother.

    Kenny, Do U Know, in our daily routine Office / Business life how much we compromise and sacrifice with various UNKNOWN people for small benefits of salary , career or Profit.

    Here you are doing some to your beloved hubby & his Mom, that's all, U have a great way to impress your hubby, handle his mother great, good, Lovable, attentive , caring, more than you Mum ( After all she is an Old Soul living for few more years ). U will see you hubby turning to be a pussy cat on your Lap.

    TRUST ME .... if this doesn't work then I will tell U another Remedy, TRUST the fact buddy All the best


    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 3, 2011
  4. aniShekar

    aniShekar Platinum IL'ite

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    Looks like you need a break here, Kenny...can't you go to your parent's place by yourself (or get your parents to pick you up)You can have your holiday, and your husband can join you towards the fag end....that way you'll get to speak to him alone, too. I feel as your MIL has been a solid presence in your marriage since the beginning, you are feeling overwhelmed, and disjoint from your husband.......IMO, you should first focus on your health, and your closeness with your husband, before you tackle your MIL problem....
    Sometimes I feel all this bottling up of emotions, and a submissive attitude are a positive Molotov cocktail....always on the edge of explosion...

    As Rakhii says, if you are on any kind of medication, that ought to be checked out too. Take care, Kenny.

    Rakhii, so sorry to hear of your bad day- mine's not been exactly spectacular either, if its any comfort:drowning!
  5. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't think about anything.Just book your ticket and pack your bags and go.Don't worry about any one tantrums.If you know what you want then it's good.If you try to satisfy every one around then there won't be any solution it.
    If your husband brings anything just tell him that you said so.That's it.GO lady.
  6. incarnation

    incarnation Silver IL'ite

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    I think , we all should have attended pre-marriage counselling and also our husbands that is more important but not possible.

    Kenny , I have faced this prob and I got low Bp.You got high.

    I am seriously thinking kuch to karna padega. I will come up with some handbook with 3-4 main categories of house hold issues and how to handle them.

    Will have to do lot of research with some members here.

    Anyways for you , do some meditation , Bring peace to your self , They will never give you rather some people will be jealous of your peaceful and calm mind and will try all possible to break it.But mediatation will help you ignore them too. I did it once and it went good , later stopped and didnt get time as some real- real issues were there to be solved and they are solved and I have to go to meditation stuff but busy and lazy.

  7. srajitha

    srajitha Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Kenny:hiya, Dont feel low , we are all here for you listening your heart.

    Don't worry , Bad times are always meant to go away ,Well people are sarcastic sometimes , they just want to show how well they can hurt others by those comments. There are ups and downs in a relation , dont think much ,as you said you do have happy times with your hubby just think about them , dont worry about his behavior .Mama's boy are always like that , they just want to show there mother how imp they are for them and ignore the damage that they are doing to there wife's heart. Try and talk to him how much pain it is causing you when he does something like that.Try and ignore such useless comments . Be happy gal.:)
  8. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    hi kenny,

    i really don't know what to say to you. i fully agree with priya, and would just say, drop everything for a while, take a break and visit your parents. please get your health attended to.

    kenny, do you have any friends outside the house or at work? why don't try asking them to go out with you on a picnic, shopping or to see a film. just get out of the house and have a good time. you first need to pull yourself out of your depressed state of mind.

    for now, all i can do is give you a biiiiiiiig[​IMG].

    cheer up gal. it pains me to hear you sad like this.

  9. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    hi all..
    actually im really upset and disgusted with my life...God know what he has in store for me...i told u about last time's incidence..
    well...here is how it is followed...
    after asking also my mil whether she wants to accompany me(dont i need to ask her whether she wants to join me...coz if i dont ask then also they make an issue out of it.....)and ofcourse i asked my husb...after a lot of questining finaly husb said infront of mil that u can go alone...
    the next day to confirm the dates i asked him whether xyz dates are fine...he was very rude and just said...if that is priority then go..i said im v sad and homesick and offlate v depressed that i dont have any one to talk to ....then he said ok...i dont know about my self...m too busy in office...will come to know in a weeks time...but i said i need to go so asking just for my self...to which i got an answer in a v irritated tone go whenveer u want...
    i was just v disturbed after this response...because all these days when i asked my husb to join me-he said u make ur prog...when finaly when i made my programe..he was not even speaking to me properly….
    so today afternoon when I went home…while we were alone I just asked hm poilitely…that im quite disturbed by his yesterdays response.. wats the reason...
    why is he behaving so strange..so I get a reply that…u act v smart and act as if u don’t know anything…I was zapped…
    he says that I have done a formality by asking my mil to join me…when I knew she will be not joining me alone….only if he would go then only she should come...and that i asking him also to join me to my brothers place is a formality...and i dont mean it....(he knows i would not want my mil to join me there...so feels im just dong a formalty by asking her)
    and then started the whole drama...
    i dont know where to start from...it comes up on me and my family always...that they are not genuine enough and if they ask him to join then it is always a formailty ....(what happens every time is that he tells me that he is busy...so i plan out on my own....and tehn obvioulsy my parents give him a call to join me too ....be it for 2 days....so he says that is all a formality....when they know im not coming thne why all this formailty business....
    3-4 months back as he had 2 days off so he asked me where we can go...i immed said we can go to xyz-place-that is my bro-bhabi's city since it had been a year and we had not visited him....initially he used to stay abroad..
    that time mil was also sitting with us...she said that it will takes so and so rs for 3 ppl to go...she asssumed on her own she is going...i had nothing but to just nod my head....
    later when both of us were alone and i said its been so many years we have not gotten together as a family...like my parents and my bro-bhabi n us....so i meant just the two of us...but he was assuming his mom also...and his mom expects to be taken ev where....and she doesnt treat anyone nicely-my family.when they come over...neither calls them on phone ever...so i was just upset and didnt want to go...so i kind of was hesitant to go with my mil...but i couldnt tell this to my husb...and causually asked her to join...to which she said no...
    and then poisined her son that her bro didnt invite her...though my bro asked my husb that whether aunty is joining us or not...to which he said yes she is ....so we thought its not point asking again and again so he didnt speak to her on phone to join them......
    and that is again an issue here...that nobody asked her properly....and the prog got cancelld...
    later one day i told him that i wanted jjust the two of us to go..cant a gal just go with her husb why cant he go wthout his mom ever to my family...(he has only visited my paents place twice-that too with his mom)
    so now tday he brought all thses things agan...says that every time i dont want to take my mil along....and that i just do a formailty every time.....and dont mean it...im not genuine....
    and that on top of that said...that u think u r the only one who needs a break...says u think u do every thing but its a misconception(he meant housework here-though i am the one who slogs the whole week-in home and office....and his mom only shows off that she is doing every thing for him,....since she cooks on weekends...his fav food...
    i feel that his eyes are shut....he does only what he is told...
    as u guys suggest i should not complain about his mom....so i feel im at fault here...he must be thinking that hismom is an angel-as i never complin about her...whereas she keeps poisoning him against me every day...
    today he said u should have told me cloearly before marriage that u cant stay with ur mil-though i have neer said this to him....i said u r making a moutain out of mole hill.....he said those girls are better who say v clearly that they cant live with the guys parents....i have never ever said this to him....neither have a i wanted...because i know he can never live without her...
    we take her every where we go....she sits with us till 12 at night...till teh time my husb is almost dead tired...i dont even get time to speak to him alone....every movie we go she will accompany us....so he expects that i should take his mom even to my family....
    i asked him why a gal needs to go to her parents-because she needs rest and she needs that pampering....if every one goes then obviously sitation is very formal...but he is just imposing things on me that i always react....i dont know how to speak properly...im not a dumb ass....i also have feelings...when im too disturbed i also sometimes react ofcourse....he does it 10000 times but i never say....i just suppress it....i also feel bad s many times....but all i get is to hear all this after bearing this manipulative lady and her darling lad for so long.... i said does she ever love me....if someone loves u u will lobve back...i said iv tried a lot but i dont get that respnse from her....she is too overpossssive about u.
    im just so sick of it...now though i feel like just leaving every thing and going but i cant go to my family also...he will then again comment so many things that i just went away...
    how do u think i can ive this way...please tell me if i am wrong...iv tld u ther whole conversation....if u feel im wrong her...im ready to make ammendments...but i feel things are just imposed upon me for my family...he wants that his mom should be treated like a queen and he would always riducule my parents...i alos have a heart...i dont know who to go and wher to go...life just sucks...
    i told the whoe thing to my bro-he says that he will talk to my husband....but i think no diff wold be made...
    husb even said that i will NEVER EVER go to my parents till his last breath...do u think the issue was so big the way it has been dragged...
    i dont wana live such a life...m fed up...
    for such a small thing he just raised the issue....i was smply asking him wich date is suitable...not i dont even feel like going...if i go ...he will comment 10000 things to me....waht can i do in such a situation....
    im just so stressed...i domt have anyone in this city....im very lonely...is there any solution to it...
  10. sng

    sng Senior IL'ite

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    I would say u r wrong here...how?

    Why do not u accept this truth that ur DH will not ever go with u alone to ur parents place...NEVER...I m giving u answer right now....so why are u forcing him if he doesnt want to go....SO ACCEPT THE TRUTH

    Now after the truth..tell me will u be happy at ur parents place if ur MIL comes along with u guys...NO is ur answer I know.....So its better if u go alone....without DH...so book ur ticket...close ur both ears...enjoy...IT is good it ur MIL is with ur DH ...atleast she will be here to take care of his food and all...so u can relax all the time without worrying about home.....

    Dear...it is good if u have love in ur relationship...but it is very bad if u fight for everything..if ur MIL is showing immaturity then u should be mature...ur DH is not at fault...he is just angry becz u r going alone....so tell him straight forward that u want to enjoy with ur parents thats it...leave the place....and also ask ur father and bro to step out from this matter..becz there relation with ur DH will get spoiled like that....

    Leave this dream for some years atleast...for a happy family photo....with ur guys....ACCEPT THE TRUTH....DO NOT FIGHT FOR THAT....

    You know gal, I have been through with this situation a lot....My ILS never want him to join at my place....so what I did ....I leave him..he says i m busy...I say ok and go to my place...thats it...if ur MIL will see that u r happy with out her involvement...she will feel low then...do not give he rso importance that she would be cause for fighting between u guys...You know i m in so peace and he is too...now my parents stopped calling him also....it is good na...if he doesnt want to talk then why should be formality there...I talk ...I go ...I enjoy...I buy gifts for them...They give good gifts to him by me...He is also peaceful...and now if he has time we go to outstation...

    A better suggestion will be have a child...so ur MIL will be busy with child....then u both can enjoy together...BUT ACCEPT THE TRUTH...SHE WILL BE WITH YOU...so better live with this condition or just break the marriage....so what will u prefer.....I have accepted all of my negative things from my ILs because...I do not want to leave my DH...I know this immaturatiy...but u have buy one get one free....so good time to have child to save ur marriage ...:)

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