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Feeling low , Spouse hurtful words and behavior.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SadMarried, Jul 10, 2015.

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  1. Jul 10, 2015 #11
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Assuming that 'yesterday' means middle of this week. You have a one year old and work. What was he doing when you were busy with housework and baby stuff?
    He thinks - she was fine all evening, now pain started?
    She thinks - I did all the work even with the pain, he can appreciate that and at least get me some thing.

    Slaving away when in pain ends up being unappreciated. If you do it, do it for your own satisfaction.
    Husbands need specific instruction - 'get me tylenol/ibuprofen...' 'get the cream, apply it here.. get the hotwater bag, it is behind the small boxes in the third shelf of this cabinet.

    Again, where was he when baby wasn't much well..?

    Certainly there is a lack of care and basic expression of concern for spouse from him. But, that is hard to create. First, try to get him to do more of the house work and baby stuff. Choose chores that cannot be let undone. Then, leave them to him, and do not be there, do not do it for him, and do not nag when it gets done or not done.

    Back is hurting? Give him the child, and go sleep elsewhere. Don't cook - and don't plan alternate arrangement too - let him figure out.
     
    Rihana, Jul 10, 2015
    Rihana, Jul 10, 2015
    #11
  2. Jul 10, 2015 #12
    SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    i live in UK , and my parents are back home. My sister and her hubby live closeby. They can help me if i want help(Last time they tried to help me when my hubby threatened me for divorce, hubby is still not talking to them).My Masi and uncle lives in UK too but 2 hours driving distance.
     
    SadMarried, Jul 10, 2015
    SadMarried, Jul 10, 2015
    #12
  3. Jul 10, 2015 #13
    SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    I thought about OPTION 1(separation) but its not easy , so still cant convince myself if thats right thing to do. OPTION 2 is what im implementing now,i dont expect anything from him most of the time. Yesterday because i was unwell , i thought i should tell him, i was looking for some emotional support. Bad idea , just ended up being hurt with his words along with the pain i was already going through.

    I don't do his Seva , its just because MIL is here , he doesn't help me much with housework. And complaining about that would create problem with MIL as you know mother doesn't want to see his poor son working at home, typical MIL .

    I cant wait for the day when my son will come to ask me how are you feeling mommy.

    I dont know when will things change for me. i hope they will change for good for me too for a change.
     
    SadMarried, Jul 10, 2015
    SadMarried, Jul 10, 2015
    #13
  4. Jul 10, 2015 #14
    SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    YES it happened just yesterday , When i was working at home after work he was on his laptop/phone. MIL is here , so he is not helping me much with housework ..but normally he does.

    Second question after i told him im having bad back pain would have been could you get me some painkiller, but his reply of you were fine before and he is not doctor, i couldnt ask anything further.

    When baby wasnt well whole night, he was there in same room snoring away. I got up every hour to check baby's temperature . i couldn't force him to look after baby , its his responsibility too ..if he cant do that, i cant rely on him for my baby's health , so i stayed awake whole night because of unwell baby , unwell me and because of being hurt by his words and behavior.
     
    SadMarried, Jul 10, 2015
    SadMarried, Jul 10, 2015
    #14
    1 person likes this.
  5. Jul 10, 2015 #15
    Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    op how supportive is your MIL?
    How your husband behave when she is not around?
    My husband isnt much supportive when MIL is at home.He ASSUME that there are two women at home they are going to look after home and kids and that he could focus on money earning.
     
    Iamagoodgirl, Jul 10, 2015
    Iamagoodgirl, Jul 10, 2015
    #15
  6. Jul 13, 2015 #16
    SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    MIL helps at housework ..but she is typical MIL , never happy with me (DIL) , takes son's side even if she knows he is wrong. Whatever i do to make her happy , she never is . Things i shared with her in past , she used against me. she doesnt talk good abt me to others. so Im only tolerating her here for the sake of my husband.

    He isnt too bad when she isn't around. He used to help me and still im not complaining abt him not helping as MIL and myself share most of the work. HE just bosses me when MIL is around.
     
    SadMarried, Jul 13, 2015
    SadMarried, Jul 13, 2015
    #16
  7. Jul 13, 2015 #17
    hopefullylucky

    hopefullylucky Junior IL'ite

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    Your husband sounds so much similar to mine. Not caring at home, abandoning in public, not helping in household chores (even when no one is around), never praising my cooked food or looks. Then, I found out that maybe I m giving him too much importance. So much that he thinks he is more important than my self respect. Now I have decided not to support him anymore. If he wants he can go to hell.. I am not his slave.
    So, if both our situations r same, same goes for u. Do just the least as required. Save ur energy for your kid. Have your own local support group.
     
    hopefullylucky, Jul 13, 2015
    hopefullylucky, Jul 13, 2015
    #17
  8. Jul 13, 2015 #18
    SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    To some extend I can connect with your situation. I know it hurts. But it is very difficult to change a person's basic qualities, rather it serves your time and peace of mind to understand him in a more broader way.

    My husband would care nothing about my pains and problems unless it is boldly told so.
    Even then, he wouldn't know how to react. He has a great confusion about loving his wife to being hen-pecked. So, he shows different kinds of love inside the house and outside.

    Initially I reacted so fast. I was disappointed, and always angry with his attitude. But then, I used a good amount of time in analyzing this guy.

    He was brought up in a background which never respect woman. If anyone respects his wife or supports her at the house is blamed as henpecked without any delay.
    One of his maternal uncle and second cousin are already labelled as such.
    Because my husband's own dad treats his wife as a mere slave at home. She requires to cook 4 hot and fresh meals as per his taste and timing. Regardless of her health or psychological status, her kitchen duty has to be performed. Eg: MIL is required to fill the dining table even before she visits the hospital for any treatments.
    Her entire life is centered at the kitchen, by doing sewa to all the men at their home.
    FIL never bothered to know her sickness or issues. So, his children too (all are male) cared nothing about it.

    If I complain about back pain, my husband would only think that I am acting. Because his 55 yr old mom - who is already an osteoarthritis patient has never complained about back pain thus far.

    Even if he shows slightest concern due to his love, he is at the risk of being labelled as henpecked. You see, my husband earns less than me, so he is already at a greater risk of being insulted for this matter. He nevertheless applies precaution as taught by his folks. Nothing personal.

    The more you react, the more you feel upset.

    After a point, I completely stopped expecting his favor or sympathy for this.

    If I have back pain, I stopped cooking or working altogether. I took rest, and engaged only with kids. If he asks only, I would tell him the reason.
    Again, I stopped expecting his sympathy or love. I just did my own therapy instead. Called mom or my friend for solace.
    But I didn't rush to work the next minute. I continued to show my sickness until I am cured fully.
    This way, the moment my husband enters the house he is reminded of my sickness. How long one can pay no attention to a sick person. I didn't lie, but I was blunt.

    He slowly came down to ask how I am doing? He wondered whether I need any outside treatment?
    The doctors advises with regards to my health helped him to understand me well.
    Even then, his parents would interfere and confuse him by telling that I might act.
    Again the same saga has to repeat.

    However, with many years of living together he somewhat learnt to reciprocate to my feelings, and the awards he receives afterwards. Yes, the more you love, the more you receive love and affection.

    Life has to go on.... we met at a middle point where I expect less, and he learns to treat me better. Now we are a happy family.

    My experience is the only advice I could give now
     
    SGBV, Jul 13, 2015
    SGBV, Jul 13, 2015
    #18
    2 people like this.
  9. Jul 13, 2015 #19
    SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    I can see so many similarities in our hubbies. NO EXPECTATION is solution to so many problems. Yes these men are not worth more than our self respect. The more we expect , the less we get. SO im also learning art of expecting less. Thanks for your advice. Thats what i'm planning to do.
     
    SadMarried, Jul 13, 2015
    SadMarried, Jul 13, 2015
    #19
  10. Jul 13, 2015 #20
    SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    Dear SGBV , i can see so many similarities in your life(even personalities) with mine from your previous posts and replies too..Difference is you sound so much stronger than me. I'm good at everything else , i excel at work , always been top of the class at my studies, im good all rounder(not praising myself, but ppl say so) ..but i couldn't excel at my Married life. May be being good at everything else cost my marriage. Women being top on everything isn't tolerated by MALE(Husband) EGO and definitely not by our society.

    Man walking on their dad's footprint about taking care of their wives sound very logical. My FIL is same , he expects everything to be ready from MIL no matter what's her circumstances are. Caring and Respecting only comes from MIL to FIL, no other way around. MIL being treated like that from their hubbies couldn't tolerate if their sons treat their wives good . So it might be trues , out hubbies learnt that from their elderly. But they should understand the generation gap . MILs never went to office,so they had to work only at home. We , on the other-hand have so much stressful work, matter of fact i also earn more than my hubby(but he gets mad if that's mentioned even in the heat of an argument),shopping , cleaning , taking care of kids everything , shouldn't they be showing little care at least when we are not well. But i also realized after so many years in marriage , its not his nature to show love,care or affection. But being rude when someone's not well is not acceptable. I told him that when he was wanting things with me in bed, if you know what i mean.

    Expecting less from others , looking after yourself more, not worry about what others will think or react ..is my plan to live now.

    Hope me and my hubby could come into a point when both of us wouldn't feel unfair about things with each other. IF i feel there is no love, affection and care to show from him every time i need him , it might be end ...but i should keep trying for that not to happen.
     
    SadMarried, Jul 13, 2015
    SadMarried, Jul 13, 2015
    #20
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