Feeling Low - manythings running in my mind - need advice

After being married for 41 years, I can suggest that instead of making mountains out of mole hills try to make mole hills out of mountains.

Ego is the culprit.

Arunadhri

 

Lovelife,

You organized lunch. So isn't that your duty to take care of the guest esp the close ones-Sil? Are they your employees to punish them for coming late? Come on, It's a party and people can be late. You have to make arrangements or you could have handled the situation in a better way.

Good that your DH apologized. Now move on.... Don't keep this in heart and spoil your happiness.

 

While I agree that your DH should not have left you alone, I think you should try to understand his position. Your SIL and her husband are your guests. Her husband is "Ghar ka Daamaad". Even if there are 100 more guests around, he will always be the special guest. Atleast to your MIL and FIL. Sons-in-law have that special privlidge in Indian households (while DILs are treated badly). I acknowlege that my DH gets treated very well at my parents place and I will surely extend the same treatment to my SILs husband when she gets married.

I agree that your DH was wrong in commenting in front of everyone. I know MILs love it. Since its a small issue, leave it. But make sure you tell DH firmly that no argurments/lectures before others (not now, some other time)

Chill and enjoy.

 

Well said Tulipzz:thumbsup

 

Words of wisdom :thumbsup, Arunadhri uncle.

 

Arundhari Sir,
I respectfully disagree. Perspectives will differ if one is actaully in her shoes. It is very rude infact to leave ones spouse withut any warning in the middle of a party esp after all her hard work.
Even worse is accusing ones spouse when not in private. I am sure if the roles were reversed and she had made disparaging comments about him in public..hell would have broken loose.
It is an attitude issue and the husband must be taught ( sad after these years) that he needs to respect his wife. Just because in this forum a lot of women suffer far more abuses does not mean one should settle for anything less.
Mutual respect is a non-negotiable thing in marraige. My humble opinion.That women have been taught to settle for less is sad indeed.

 

To I lovelife
We can have respect without love ..but dont think love ever happens among adults without mutual respect.
Please talk to your husband and tell/show him the areas that you find him disrespectful.While it is true that some women are in marraiges where things are mostly smooth sail..most of us have had to work at it. It never comes easy. If u find ur spouse/inlaws being disrespectful of you ..please speak out. You can be firm without raising your voice. In many ways its like raising kids..they push u to test ur limits. You give in one too many times ..you cant enforce anything later.

 

You are 100% right about the above.

The thing is ilovelife is a newly married person (less than a year). All of these things in arranged marriage can take time (it is more a problem in arranged marriage than in love marriage - thats my personal opinion, but anyway thats not the main point here). Until then, the first thing to focus on for her will be to improve the communication and it takes heck of a lot of patience. Making everything into a fight or an unpleasant situation will only deteriorate the communication effort.

Her H does not sound like he's a real bad guy, but he seems to need to be told and explained the effect of his behavior on ilovelife. But that's gonna take some patient communication and takes several months to improve old habits.

 

Spiderman,
The reference was to the statement.."make mountain out of a molehill".
Now here is the way I perceive things. If something is wrong and we are not happy about it..first step is to acknowledge to ourselves and if in doubt confirm from close ones/someone neutral that what is going on is indeed wrong. That is the process Ilovelife is in. And to that I would like to tell her .."Yes it was wrong the way u were treated". I prefer not to brush it away saying.."Nah ..not a big deal. Worse things can happen." They could ...but that does not make this right.
Now once u identify something is wrong..u work out a plan of action and slowly and steadily fix it. If she never identifies the problem or gets acknowledgement that the hurt she is feeling is indeed valid .,then she will never fix it. Yes I agree that she needs to work on her marriage and that largely will begin by educating her husband that mutual respect shall form the basis of her marriage. IT does not have to be a fight..but it has to stated..repeatedly and firmly and she should settle for nothing less.
Criticizing /merciless teasing is also a form of abuse
This is just my personal opinion .