Feeling Lost In Life..

You’re not alone my dear. I am lost in my marriage too. Every bit I felt like it’s my story you put out there. I know it’s very hard when H is one sided blinded by mothers love. Where as they manipulate sons to get their all attention and behave ignorant. And we become victims for no fault of us. Older women have been there done that, so are very experienced in playing games where as we think it’s utter nonsense to play their cheap game and feel nasty about it. Accept that we cannot compete with their “mother” love. While we as woman make them father by giving them a child and they don’t want to share same love to their spouse for that reason. Learn to love urself and accept no one else but u have to live for urself and ur happiness is not dependent on ur spouse or anyone else. I know saying is easy but I am programming my mind that way and it’s working. I am becoming a spectator and not trying to react to this stupidity of partiality that u see within family. Hang out with friends, have ur own time outside sometimes. Treat urself, do some beautifying, maintain good health, Exercise and engage urself in ur activities and avoid this stupidity around. Just don’t keep waiting for ur h acknowledgement or expecting love.
I hear ur feeling of “everyone around me thinks I’m bad” ppl try to put self doubt to win over u, I think this happens with most of the Indian families, they picture dil as bad so mil can win sons sympathy and attention and every situation favors her. If not why will H turn around complete against to you. I’m in similar situation where I’m being told I’m a bad person, unacceptable bad mother bad wife etc etc for none of my mistake, by just pointing who is wrong. As elders are always correct even if they manipulate or do cheap tricks to win.
I would say it all boils down to having a understanding, cooperative and impartial H. If u have a good H everything is beautiful, he would set all the boundaries to keep wife as wife and mother as mother and treat them equally and love them as they deserve by acting as a bridge within a family. It’s not ur fault , u r not bad.. u r made to feel bad and their job is working.. try to fail their trials by being happy and working on urself. Don’t expect anything but keep working on urself and find happiness with in. Some things only time will change... so wait for it. I don’t see any immediate fix to this problem but as long as ur cheerful and happy ppl cannot take adv of u. If u r miserable they do it more to make u victimize.

 

This is a power game that has been in existence forever. One man in an equally powerful emotional relationship between two powerful women 1. Mother 2. Wife. If one or more party are adjusting or good in balancing, this relationship can be handled very well. But when the power game is played, it becomes hell for almost all three of the parties.

Mom:
her thoughts: I can’t lose control of my son.
So she tells him ‘I have given life to you and sacrificed everything n raised you. Now a new girl has come n you are taking her side. I am not important to you anymore’.

Son: No ma ofcourse you are very important to me. I know you have lived only for me. I support you. Don’t cry.

Wife: ‘your mom is doing this, doing that. She’s this, she’s that.’ Goes on a path of pointing finger at his mom. (Sadly, the more the accusations n pointing fingers the more defensive the son gets. We think we are being true n all but the son comes hearing similar stories from the mom about the wife too so it’s not easy to handle)

Son: ‘whatever said n done it’s my parents. You adjust as they are old n can’t be changed. You are young n new so you adjust’ (Because it’s almost impossible to change the old parents now. If he goes n fights with them, then their words will be .. ‘we aren’t important to you anymore and you have changed and the new girl is more important to you. All our sacrifices were to hear these words from you and why doesn’t god take me now.’)

This is generally how it goes. Yes ‘adjust’ is the easier path for the men who can’t draw the balance or has overpowering parents.

So in your last post, you have gotten all the common advise, stay away, maintain distance, be quiet, focus on yourself ignore the rest, etc.. N it’s not working anymore, so giving you a lil bit of a different view of this.

I sometimes wonder, when these men who are supposed to be the supporting bridge between these two powerful relationships are weak and crumbly and are cause of major disruption in the family, why don’t the new member establish a direct relationship with the mil?
Trust me, I have seen very good mil-dil relationships, have heard some say I am closer to mil than own mother. So it’s not an impossible idea, but something that’s going to take a lot of effort initially. N it can only happen when you make the mil believe that you are not the enemy or a threat but an ally. That you are not there to take her son away, take 100% power, make her a dummy, anything that makes her threatened but you have come as an addition to their family n she’s very much a part of it.
There’s a saying ‘rather than falling on the witness’s feet, fall on the enemies feet to solve a problem’ - witness is the hubby in this case who’s not at all helping the situation but actually making it worse for you, he doesn’t have the power to stop this. The enemy is the mil, she is the cause for all this, n the only way all these problems can go away is if she stops.
Think of a strategy here. You tried different options n it didn’t work, what are you gona lose in trying this? You want a peaceful life, your dh will be at peace when the war stops between you n your mil then he will have more time to love than defending his mom and handling your anger n his moms which will have him in better mood.

 

sorry , i do not agree with your statement, if you and your H have a good relationship. if you had, then he should very well understand, not to come in between you and his mother. or he should simply support you period.

i guess more work needs to be done on making H understand, who is family (you ) and who is extended family ( mum) .

i apologize if i sound blunt, but i am just sharing my experience, focusing on mil never works, till your own spouse is not taking sides.

 

OP
Did you grow up in joint family or with sisters? Or in nuclear family?
If you did not grow up with lots of females around you, you will not know how to navigate this situation.

 

I too second with ashneys thought, but it has its own pitfalls, if mil is really a good women with humanity just a minor glitch then you can tackle as she said because I have such a bond with my mil (touchwood) but if she is devious with all plans to trap you then you will fall in it and she will dust you off.
One way you can just try this technique is don't expect change in mil or she will speak with all suger coated words instead what all she might feel as threat try talking to her. As she said above she had to get rid of the thought that you're not her enemy. If that's erased you can pass thru anything. So beware of the consequences don't take it to heart no emotions just motions of act. Keep it simple, if it works OK else no problem take it light so that when you fall you won't get so hurt..

 

OP,
Can you tell us any good qualities of your MIL you have noticed. What is her biggest complaint about you. Be specific. Have you ever appreciated her for anything ? When our parents talk against us, we don't take that to mind, but if PILs complain the same we take that to heart and create a big issue. DIL will be DIL and MIL, MIL, not mother. Talking against your MIL to your dh will never help you. What you said is right. DIL will be always an outsider (same will SIL, right, He will never be a son for your parents). If we accept it, the problem can be approached in a better way. I have good PILs, so I can share what works well in my case. I need more input to suggest anything.