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feeling lonely and sad n depressed and fed up this my Husband!!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by gdwwm1, May 16, 2011.

  1. gdwwm1

    gdwwm1 Junior IL'ite

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    Hi...
    I have been married for 3 yrs now....I love my husband very much...n i think he loves me too...but both of us are short tempered. So we fight a lot..and I am fed up of this situation.
    I know both of us are at fault here but hes 5 yrs older than me but acts like a kid why cant he be the mature one n let some things go...I have been doing it.... i let some of his comments slide because i dont want to pick fights but he will argue n start using foul language or really yell at me if theres an argument...so i get irritated n i do the same n some times I raise my hand....but i dont hit him very hard..but he retaliates with all his force..he does not realize he is heavier n stronger than me....n when we reconcile he will say that " if u hit me i will hit u back"...but every time theres an arguments he will provoke me so much so that i raise my hand n he can get a chance to hit me back...this has become a cycle now n i am fed up....besides after a fight i just forget n move on..the next day i go n reconcile with him..no matter whose fault it is...i make sure i make food n he eats it before he leaves for work...because normally after a fight he will go on hunger strike...so i make sure he eats after he cools down..but i am always the one to take the first step....he will never come n say sorry or pacify me hug me n make me feel better..I am seriously tired of his male ego....are all men like this..why do they all take their wives for granted like this...it is normal to get into physical fights ...do many couple fight physically... we dont have kids yet....so I want this to stop before we have kids..
    I am an educated n form a well to do family. I am here on H4 so a little frustrated about not being able to work...he gets that but doest not completely understand that...Also I sometimes suffers from PMS(Pre menstrual stress) I even tell him that i am going through PMS..so the least he can do is be a little understanding..n if i am arguing irrationally why cant he think that she going through some thing...n let it go...i do it when i know he's stressed abt work or some issue..i know that he may be worried so if he acts weird n rude to me I just let it slide n give him benefit of the doubt...but is it too much for him to do the same....does he have to counter argue abt everything....would it kill him to be a little compassionate. I am also a feminist so I cant act like the "bechari ladki" n keep quite n be all docile..if he says something n argues with me i will not listen to it n give it back...i am an equal in this relationship why should i be the suppressed partner...i will not tolerate this..so i dont let him get his way for everything....n thats why we fight a lot...he has never had anybody tell him to do something n hes always got his way before marriage...so have I but i have made the sacrifices required ...so why should i be treated inferior and be quite just to avoid fight...I have done it sometimes because I dont have the stamina to fight or argue but I cant do it all the time...he has to realize that even I can get irritated and angry.... just because he his a man he cant get angry n irritated...
    i hate it when men snap at their wives or tell them to keep quite.... if we do the same their big fat ego gets hurt..urggggghhhh...i am fed up with this....
    Girls please tell me am i being irrational n immature here....all this is making me depressed and sad...n I cry a lot after we fight...i am very hurt with all this...

    Thanks for listening
    wanted to went out
    sorry for the long post
     
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  2. SallyR

    SallyR Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry to be blunt but I think you are being irrational. Do you know what your post reminded me of; my fights with my brother when we were little. Stop behaving like children and grow up!

    First STOP this hitting business <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:stockticker>NOW</st1:stockticker>, physical fight is a definite NO. Stop using PMS as an excuse; I really don't understand what PMS got to do with anything. I can understand physical pain or being a bit low during PMS but using that as an excuse to fight or for being irrational is a bit silly. I understand you are also frustrated about not working, so why don’t you concentrate on changing your visa status. I don’t know about visa issues in US so this might not be possible. If not then why don’t you make the most of being a housewife? You can volunteer, join gym, go for walks, do gardening, socialise, study, so many other things you can do.

    Now without knowing what makes you both to start a fight, I can't give you proper advice about how to avoid them. You have been married only for 3yrs, still early days. It’s not uncommon to fight more during early stages of marriage. Instead of fighting why not create an atmosphere that creates harmony. Like get a candle light dinner ready when he is back from work. Try to bring romance into your lives. Small romantic gestures could go a long way. Stop fighting instead love each other and show that love, everything else will fall in its place soon. Best wishes!
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    You say you are a feminist... yet you decided to marry a guy knowing you would have to be on H4 and not work or have a career.

    You are a feminist... which means you want to be treated equal, yet when you hit your husband and he hits you back, you get offended. So equal treatment is good, except when there's a fight, right? All other times you want to be treated equal, but in a fight you want to be treated like a delicate flower. Sorry, but you will have to decide... you can either continue to be a feminist woman who hits her husband and gets hit back, or you can try to be a little more understanding, control your temper, and get treated like a wife instead of a combatant in a brawl fight.

    You are a feminist.... yet you blame your mood swings on PMS. Aren't feminists the one who believe that they are equal to men in every way and shouldn't be treated different because of their biology?

    You say you and your dh are both short tempered. My suggestion to you is, you have to be the change you wish to see in your house. If you want more peace, start by being peaceful. If you want more respect, start by giving respect. Nobody is saying you can't contradict your husband or give a different opinion than him.... but do it in the right way. Say what you want to say calmly, rationally, and without resorting to a fist fight. Your husband will notice these positive changes in you, and my bet is he'll change a little himself to suit your new behavior. Good luck.
     
  4. puspita

    puspita Silver IL'ite

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    Hi gdwwm1

    I felt sorry for u..

    But i think u r equally responsible for this situation.If both of u r short tempered, then try for some Anger management classes...

    U r raising hand on ur hubby, this is a big no no dear...I guess he is hitting u after u raise ur hand....obviously this is making him irritate..

    there is no couple in the world who dont fight...but try to learn something, if he is angry you try to cool down, dont argue with him...dont think that this is compromise,in this way 1 day of ur life can be without fight/tension...if u will behave like this, one day he will also change...he will not shout..

    And dear u said he has ego, but u have too...this is marriage, u r husband wife,no competition is going on here that if he will shout why shd u keep quiet??this is not the thing,in life sometime u have to adjust/compromise also...u take a first step towards a peaceful life, one day everything will be fine
     
  5. grihasta

    grihasta New IL'ite

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    I am against physical violence between partners. It can easily turn to something serious. Please control your temper and stop raising your hand against your husband. If wither one of you hits the other at the wrong place on the body with the wrong force, things can go wrong pretty quickly.

    If you have PMS or if you are feeling low, avoid talking to your husband, or avoid controversial topics. You are the first to initiate physical violence because you can't control your emotions, and you want your husband to not retaliate and want him to control his anger.

    Marraige is a two way street. And you have to control your anger. You can't tell him how to react when he is angry, when you yourself can't control what you are doing.
     
  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    To be very honest, I am really shocked at this behaviour. Somehow raising one's hand on one another is absolutely unacceptable - a BIG NO NO. No matter what the provocation. This has been emphasized countless times on these forums. And in your case, there is no provocation

    Hitting each other is no way educated and civilized people behave. So this has to stop at once. Somehow the excuse of PMS does not jell. If it was enough excuse to beat up others, every house would have been a war field by now. But that is evidently not the case. Also if PMS causes you to behave in this manner, how do you think you are going to go to work? There will be so many more people there of different sorts. Do you mean to say you will raise your hands on them if they irritate or provoke you? PMS is very often touted as defence for plain bad behaviour.

    I can understand your frustration or loneliness being at home. But tell me, even if he gets that, what can he do? He cannot change the situation for you. I don't know whether you can apply for change of visa status, but if you could, that would be the more rational approach to take. If you can't "what cannot be changed has got to be endured". Getting physically violent is not a solution.

    As for your husband hitting you back, what would you do if someone hit you? Wouldn't you retort back? Yes, your husband is stronger than you and he should realize that, but he doesn't and has no more control over his behaviour than you have. Even after knowing he hits you and you get hurt, have you done anything to stop yourself from being hurt (stopped hitting him)? That is the phase when a 5 year age gap makes a difference in understanding and behaviour. Past one's teens, mental or emotional maturity of the person has nothing to do with age. I am sure you know plenty of elderly people who are still immature and plenty of young people who are very mature.

    Nobody is asking you to do so or even expecting that you should take everything lying down. All that one expects is that you should deal with all this more maturely and rationally. If you do not like something he does or says, try to tell him to stop. If he doesn't, remove yourself from there - walk out into another room or go out for a walk. If you find something hard or are feeling depressed, try and talk to him and explain it to him. He might understand that better and respond better to that than if you start fighting and hitting him.

    Helping keep the peace does not mean being treated as an inferior. It means you are mentally more mature and therefore if anything superior in that respect. Anyway, where does the question of inferior and superior come into the equation from? A person who is capable of sacrifices is by no means inferior to one having his own way. This is something you have got to think about and understand. When two children fight, don't we tell the older one to give in since s/he is older and capable of understanding i.e. has a greater mental level than the younger one? So if you are the one who gives in or adjusts, does it make you inferior to your husband?

    I have tried to explain it the best I can. My post is already very long and don't want to extend it further or bore you either. My intention is not to sermonize, but to make you see things as they are. Now to understand that and to be happy is entirely in your hands.
     
  7. gdwwm1

    gdwwm1 Junior IL'ite

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    Thanks all for your advice...ur responses has made me realize i am being kiddish n immature..i am going to take all the advices given by you all and improve things in my life... intact i have already started noting the positive changes...thanks all ...some times in life ur clueless n completely lost...n its gr8 that we have forums like these to get advice when needed....i really feel better now and i will be the change i need to see in my DH...at the end of the day we do love each other n thats what matters...i feel so much better now... thanks again...
    and wish us luck :)
     
  8. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    You know your husband is physically bigger and stronger than you and yet you don't control yourself from hitting him as you know he'll hit you back?

    Please stop this hitting business NOW.
    No man is going to take abuse from his wife.
    You expect him to cuddle you gently everytime you hit him?

    You say you love him, then stop hurting him dear. We always don't wish to hurt our loved ones.

    Learn to control your anger. Everytime you get angry and about to burst out, remind yourself that you don't want to do this and degrade yourself again and regret it later.

    You have to put a stop for this first and you'll slowly see the changes in your husband. Don't give up if you don't see any positive changes ASAP. You continue acting matured, try to avoid yelling and hitting.
     
  9. sashacurios

    sashacurios Silver IL'ite

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    hi... as u dont like whn he hits u same is the case wth men... they dont like whn u raise ur hands against them... be it men or women no one likes it...
    so first step is to stop thinking physical violence is the answer,also as u said u r weaker than him, yes its true so remember whn u do it tht he can hurt u more... u have be the bigger person here... age gap doesn't matter... try to be polite nd loving for a change whn he gets angry tht might change the whole scenario... good luck:thumbsup

    as Gandhi said.. u be the change u want to see in others...
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2011
  10. vibhari12

    vibhari12 New IL'ite

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    hi, there
    hope u have found some thing with in u and some things out side u
    and third, some things in ur husband
    first of all remember the golden rule marriage is a platform where a women takes every things that comes her way slowly and men don't marry for doing every thing good for a women unless they love her a lot
    first of all don't brother ur self with the comments he gives u good or bad
    think how long is he going to do it .
    be silent to every thing except physical abuse.
    don't argue don't utter a word
    just keep doing every thing that has to be done
    slowly he will feel she doesn't even complain, he will ask u why u don't get angry
    then u explain saying the way u get hurt its so painfull, you don't want any one to be hurt that way atleast not ur husband like that I can save some one, a feeling of death before a actual death
    atleast some one in both of us should be happy so I let u be happy
    take a promise if he can keep u happy for an hour or two in a week
    and if he says yes then keep increasing that hours to 3 a week and so forth
    change will happen
    and instead of all this if he is same, then u know world is big u just have to move out of marriage and search happiness in small small things.
    if u keep ur self happy the whole world will be attracted to u in many forms
    u will live more complete life I promise
     

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