Feeling insulted,thought of sharing

Hi Suji,

Some of the ILs have given really good suggestions and with experience you mature and handle things in a better manner.

Atleast thank god that you are experiencing such incidents with friends....but when it happens with relatives, it is more painful.

All the relatives want very good treatment when they come to your place, but when you visit them it dosen't apply to them.

But then as there are rotten eggs in the basket, at the same time there are some really delicious strawberries too. So we should take it in our stride as Kamla has rightly mentioned that all the 5 fingers are not the same.

As for me i have continuous flow of guests and since i am working and also involved in a lot of other activities i sometimes really find it hard to concentrate or give my complete and undivided time to each and every guest...so the norm in our house is any guest staying for more than 2 days is shown around the house specially the kitchen and should fell free and help themselves when we are not around during the day.

Many of my visitors are our office guests who have come from US for office work and since my residence & our office is very close they all prefer to stay with us. But sometimes they come home very late from office including my husband...so i send over their dinner to office...but still if they walk in very late and are hungry again they have free access to the fridge and the snacks larder so they help themselves and i don't have to borther and also they don't feel hesitant to ask.

The same goes for the indian guests too. I try to prepare everything during the weekends and we devote our full time in those 2 days but in weekdays i have seen that many of them specially the senior members (my FIL's aunts who are all 75+) of the family help me so much that i don't have to bother about the house when they are around. With the help of my maid they go about their things. But we all make sure that we have b'fast, lunch & dinner together.

My guest list is varied - relatives, friends, colleagues, relatives relative etc etc.

But i know that always i am not going to get the same warmth from all of them as there are always some exceptions. But luckily my bitter experience has been 5% but most of the time touch wood i've been lucky.

Roopa.

 

Hi Sujimallige:

Like many others have mentioned in reply to your post, don't give up on everyone. Just because one friend was nasty, the others aren't going to be the same. Life is full of experiences - good and bad and we learn from both of them. Thanks to the bad ones, we are able to cherish the good - be it friends, experiences, whatever. Yes, it does make us weary but for the better I guess.

Sindhu

 

Hi sujimallige,

I can understand ur feelings and the pain which u would have undergone, coz me myself have faced this insult.... very recently not by friends but from my husbands bro and co-sis.

I came to US along with my mil and 3 yr old kid, and as we were requested by my bil, went straight to their place in dallas texas. My husband who had come to US in October to Washington thru a cnsultant, had also come to dallas (texas) for thanksgvg hoildays and my fil death anniversary+ their daughters first birthday.My Co-sis is a very rude and jealousy lady right form the begining of our marriage. and i was little hesitant comming to their house and staying with them coz of their previous behaivour. But due to pressure form my husband and mil saying i had to come and stay with them.

Inital first day was ok, but then she started her own tanturms as she is a wkg lady, she would not give us anything to eat and would not even offer us anything too, so then i slowly started to enter her kitchen and get atleast milk for three yr old kid. she used to get very upset if i used to do things in the kitchen without her permission.she is very poseesive lady who would get angry on very silly things and cretae a big issue over small reasons like if her 5 yr old kid who would not eat or write his homework properly.

she used to come home allways in a bad mood. I was really scare dof her and never used to talk even a word.she used to keep insulting me by words very often and keep me hurting every single day, We were forced to eat whatever leftover used to be there in the fridge, even if it was not good.and most of the time we were hungry.She wouldn't do any work in her house and would ask me to seep the floor daily(as theirs is a home and all the flooring were of wood), clean all the vessels, and do all the household work. i used to do everything without even uttering a word bearing all her taunting words.Meanwhile my husband somehow couldn't get the project he was expected to get and we were in complete distress, since we had no roof in US other than his brother and above all my 3 yr old kid was very ill, since it was a new env for him.

She would ask me to cook food in her presence and was made to do alll the work .Even the amunt of oil i or soap i used to use had to be approved by her.while she used to just sit and keep bad mouthing me and my husband. Then my mil who was seeing all this told me one day that u better go and stay with ur friend rather facing insult here , Who was in houston.

So my husband decided to go to washington and then he wanted us to go to houston to be with my close friend. Since we were not ready to be there when my husnband was not around. Learning this she got upset with me and started bad mouthing very badly in front bil, my husband and mil. and created a big fight yelling all over the house I was like toattly shocked since i hev never spoken anything wrong to her and why is she finding faults on me(intially she started the fight telling that i m disturbing her mentally by not talking to her and asking permission for each and everything)and how would she know what we do when she was at work.
My bil who was watching all this was supporting her. i couldn't control myself and started crying and she got all the more wild and started telling me that i am not a good girl, i keep acting and she has seen many more people like us. and we don't know what our state is today, coz of her we are atleast hvg a house in US or we would have been in street. i kept quiet and was counting my days to leave form there. Even after all this incident i used to do all her household work for her, they even asked me to clean the potty of their daughter daily.

finally when i moved to be with my friend in houston, my co sis would daily call me over phone and keep bad mouthing me abt mil and her beheaviour, whenever she used to call me i used to talk to her very nicely or never ever i showed how bad she was with me. but then she would go and complain to my bil who inturn would call my husband and fire him saying that i m not truthful or loayal to them and don't keep in touch and its my co-sis who calls me often . Would also keep complaining abt my friend that she is very rude to them whenever she picks the phone.it was all little too much for both of us and specially when we were all in so much tension and stress.

So i dceided to write a mail to her(since i didn't have guts to talk to her),i wrote after taking permission from my parents whoe knew abt my situation but where helpless back in india saying i am hurt by her behaivour and even now she is troubling me for no reason.and i would contact her when i get stable in life.
After that nor bil,mil or co-sis have called us or in contact with us , even if my husband calls his bro .. he would say i m uncmforatble talking to u and don't want any contact from our side. Unluckily my husband is on a project on dallas itself. We stay just half hr away from them but nor they have come to our place or talk to us.

i feel that our first exp in US itself was so bad, and its going to take a good amt of time for us to recover.since our own relatives have been so bad. this issue is their on my mind and daily keep thinking over it , my husband who has accepted and is ok if his bro doesn't talk to him, but i feel for no reason of ours why did they trouble us ? what did we wrong to the? and this r the people who act so nicely in social circuits and appear so helpul and broadminded.

cheers
vaidehi

 

Dear Suji mallige,


True, this past exp should make us wiser and strong. but what abt the memories we have in our mind. atleast for me , i m not a person who can shrug it off and carry with my own work.

i don't like to hurt anyone, Never ever do i talk to someone or show my status or attitude to anyone.i feel so devasted , spl when i m alone at home.Still i m the one who s feeling bad for our relationship turning bad. But i doubt my realtives would have given a thought abt it.

cheers
vaidehi

 

Hi Suji,

cheer up buddy. don't burden yourself for the ill behavior of your friend. this is what my husband does. i used to tell him why bother if they are like that. I had a friend and we used to vist them and they come to our place too. things were fine when we were in a distance of 1.5hrs drive. but now they moved to a place of 4hrs drive and they are not in contact at all. actually we used to call each other during the initial days of moving. but then i didn't get replies from her and I gave her calls on her birthday, on festivals, but she did not reciporcate. so now I have forgotten herself. so don't put yourself into trouble by overthinking. if you think you want to confront her, then ask her politely and indirectly as other ILite has told. otherwise forget her and be happy making friends. why do u want to change yourself for her behavior.

cheer up
Malar

 

Dear Sujimallige,

I can tell you somethings just like a mother's advise.

As Kamala said all the five fingers in one's hand are different. When the brothers and sisters born in the same family and to the same parents can differe what to say about friends.
Sometimes we cannot choose friends, they happen and we tend to believe them. We are such open minded people, who ( we think ) can adjust with anyone. But always remember that they need not be like that.
I have had many experiences from people who I have always considered to be friendly. There is a saying that in 100 people there'll be atleast 10 you cannot satisfy or make friends with. You have to be happy with the remaining 90.
You cannot satisfy all the people around you. Just take them as they are, be your natural self but don't ever get close enough to get hurt.
Try to follow this and you'll never get hurt and another point is that do not expect anything from anyone. If you get something good then it is your luck.
I have been following this for sometime with all friends, relatives, siblings. Nowadays I feel better.

 

Hello Friends,
After reading all the posts and experiences in this thread...i feel that we should just go ahead with our lives leaving the people who dont have any respect for our feelings. Thinking about all the bad experiences we had with friends or relatives makes our lives miserable and those ppl might not even think once about us so why should we then. In US its really difficult to find good friends.
Now as I previously posted about my experience with my friends. Now let me tell you what happened this week. My husband got into MBA in MIT and started this semester. I don't know how one of my 4 friends who insulted me came to know about this called up my husband saying "Hi Hello, how r u guys doing?" Then she asked my husband if he could talk to her boyfriend regarding some guidance how to get into business school. I told my husband very clearly if next time she or her boyfriend calls you tell them to call my me first. And I know if my husband says like that she will definitely not have any guts to call me.
I can't believe how shameless people can be...if they need help they expect us to help them and then after work is done insult us. Dont they think that we have some self respect.
But after all these experiences I'm being very careful.
-Priya

 

Hey girls I am usha moving to australia in couple of months after spending 6 years in new zealand but tossing up between brisbane, perth and melbourne. we both are in medical line and we like brisbane and perth but there are not tomany indians live than melbourne. So ve have decided to move to melbourne but v don't know anybody there. I have many excellent indian frients living in india and abroad and we still like to live where v have indian majority. About the bad behaviours of some indians you all can see anywhere on the earth. But one bad thing always covers 100 good things. This is a part of life, you have to be positive. Take it easy, you feel like your friend insulted you should always try to find the reason, if reason is not good they somebodys bahaviour should not be affecting you. It affects the person more itself. So take it easy, let bad people be bad, lets be good to all, In newzealand I learned that you go anywhere there are something you can't change. I believe we all have people with bad behaviour in our families, friends or known tos and I am sure some of them Personality Disorder which you cant' change. My family is very positive and we don't care about those people. We concentrate more on our family and their prosperous future because me an my hubby work together and we hardly have time to look beyond for silly things. thats why all indian ladies lets be positive, smile on silly things and live happy life. . :cheersrotfl

 

And you call her your friend?

If you have any self respect. Tell her to stop calling you. You don't need such people in your life.

Use your time more efficiently. Make friends who you are comfortable with.

Family is inherited, friends are made. Why be with such a friend when u have the option of dumping her.

You get insulted becuase you allow yourself to be insulted. Standup for what you believe in.

Good luck.