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Feeling insulted,thought of sharing

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sujimallige, Jan 5, 2008.

  1. Sujimallige

    Sujimallige Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear friends,

    I want to share a problem i am facing and hope u can give me some suggestions.

    I have a friend of mine who stays in a different state here in the US.She was always asking me to come over to her house and stay for a few days alongwith my husband.As she was pestering me so much I agreed and recently we couple had gone to their house and stayed there for 2 nights and 1 day.
    When we went there I felt v unwelcome there.It was already 9 pm and she was yet to cook dinner for us.We were v hungry and had driven for almost 7 hrs.I am not a person to misunderstand others for such silly reasons.I thought maybe she was busy and asked her what she was doing,she told so casually 'we were just sleeping and watching some movie'.I felt this odd coz normally if we call anybody home we atleast cook food for them.Then when we ate it was abt 11pm.
    The next day also I observed that my friends husband was not at all talking to my husband properly.He was making my husband repeat things pretending to be busy and not hearing.My husband is a v simple man & he didnt mind repeating every sentence he spoke.
    Then somehow we spent the day and slept there and woke up v early and left to our house.
    Even now after returning I can sense that everything is not alright.She speaks to me v rudely on phone.Says things which she previously never dared speak,for example telling me that I buy cheap rate stuff (my coat i have paid $120 but she commented that it is v cheap).

    I am v hurt friends.I dont know y they had to force us sooo many times to come & ill treat us like this.I feel v guilty to have my husband face such things.
    My husband is a v easy going person but still even he told me y did we have to come so far for this treatment.We could have easily stayed at home.
    I am at loss as to y they r doing this to us.Is it so wrong to go to someone's house.But when my husband's friends come home i never treat them like this.Some people stay at our house for 1 week at times.
    Moreover when she & her husband came also we treated them so well,took them out for sight seeing,restaurant.

    From now on i shall never go anywhere & never again shall i allow my husband to be ill treated by anyone.
    Dont know friends,i am so lost & hurt.So thought of sharing it here with my friends.:idontgetit:
     
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  2. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sujimallige,

    With a name like that, a selected pen name...you cannot be anything but a sweet smelling mallige!

    Dear girl, what you have explained here is nothing new for me. I have been on that trip many a time! I must be as old as your mother now, or even older! But.....I have no answer to your query:)

    This world is like that...it is made with all sorts of people in it. Some of us can Never understand.

    I use to live in Europe with not many Indians around. I used to go out of my way to befriend Indians! Do you know how difficult it is? We say that we Indians are so easy going and friendly etc etc...Not True! We are as varied as the five fingers of our hand! Surely, some of us are very friendly, but, some of us are snooty, some of us are plain rude etc etc. So....

    ...Don't bother your head with the thoughts about your 'friend' ! Life is too short to be wasted on such unfriendly creatures !!

    When you develop a certain detachment, you will see that things begin to change. Instead of hankering after such rude people, try to find other interests. If you yourself are sweet and simple and no complications person, you are bound to find nice people. It is up to you to recognise the nice ones and befriend them.

    Sorry that you and your husband had to go through such harrowing experience. But be consoled that it has happened to others too...eg, me!

    Wish you better luck and nicer friends in 2008!

    L, Kamla
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2008
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  3. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Firstly, cheer up Suji.

    It was nice of you to accept your friend’s invitation and take a long drive to visit them. In fact it was terrible on your friend's part to behave like that. So don’t punish yourself by saying that you will never go anywhere again.

    What you must do is confront this friend and ask her direct questions. Don’t start accusing her start out by asking nicely. Something like “Hey, is everything ok with you? You sound different these days. Is something wrong?” Let her do the talking. See if she gets the messages and says something that may answer why she behaved like that when you visited her.

    If she skirts around the topic then be direct and ask her why they behaved weirdly and why she keeps trying to put you down.

    If you find out that she is just a nasty person and that she cannot follow basic respect and etiquettes then just dump her and move on. She is not worthy of your time. Definitely don’t spoil your peace of mind for such a person.

    Later after you have talked to her tell your husband what the outcome was. He will feel good that you care so much about his self-respect.

    Have a nice weekend and don’t let this bother you. Just confront your friend and close the loop on it.

    SS

     
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  4. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    It might also be a cultural difference. Your friend might have just been extremely casual with you. And you may probably be over reacting. But since you were in your friends house you are the best judge. When me and my husband invite friends we are usually very casual. I know in some Indian families food is a big deal. We like to meet friends just to socialize. If we can't cook then we suggest that it is better to go out and eat. Normally when I visit friends I try to keep our expectations as minimum as possible. We prefer to hang out with friends whom we enjoy spending time with. Take it easy.

    Kavya.
     
  5. Blondie

    Blondie Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi SM,

    as Kamala has already said people are different. But you as a guest are the right person to judge whether you felt welcome or not. As a host who had seen all types of house guests, my suggestion to you is to never loose your sense of niceness both as a host and guest. Just write them off from your list of return guests\hosts.

    While on this topic let me mention some thing that will be of good use in building better host\guest relationships.

    1. if the expected time of arrival is well past the hosts lunch\dinner time, guest please be considerate enough to say that you will be eating out and not to wait.

    2. it is good on hosts part to say what tentative time lunch\dinner will be served or eating out.

    3. guests try to leave the guest room\bathroom in the condition that you find it when you came in or in a better condition.

    4. hosts or guests your kids are yours to feed and to take care of not ohters. (unless insisted upon by others)

    and i can go on like this but have to stop so that can put dinner on the table for my dh & son :)
     
  6. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Suji,

    As Kamla mentioned, not all 5 fingers are alike...similarly for people.

    It does seem that your friend behaved pretty badly. To make comments on your dress/coat, behave rudely to your husband, not offer dinner on time when you drove for so many hours (after they invited you), it is perfectly understandable why you are so upset...

    But hey, why do you want to cut yourself off from other people just because of one bad apple? That's not fair to yourself. Instead as Soaring spirit suggested, call that 'friend' up and let her know that you are upset at her behavior. But do NOT let her actions dictate your own. Why should you stop meeting other friends in future? Why compare this one lady with your other friends?

    This kind of thing actually is good once in a while, so that we keep our head on our shoulders and learn to differentiate friend from foe (or just plain learn about people). Otherwise how would you have known about this 'friend' of yours real nature?

    What I'm really trying to say is that you'll meet tons of people in your life. Not all are worthy. Not all are going to be your friends. Some are going to be sweet and some are going to sour. If not for the sourness, you would never appreciate the sweetness of others.

    Just be your usual self. Don't let others take advantage of you, but at the same time do not let the actions of one acquaintance affect your other friendships.

    PS: I know somebody like yr friend. She was a senior in college (but weren't very close) and we ended up working in the same city. She used to crash at my pad 2-3 days in a week (she didn't like staying in her working women's hostel) for months on end...and eat my stuff...I did not mind and in fact I had given her a spare key to my flat.

    She then got married and came to the US. I came here on study visa and was living a dorm life. We spoke a few times on phone and every time she would invite me over like anything..

    So once during my winter vacation, I went there for 5 days...not a good decision...she was ok the first day but started grumbling from there on after...Even my getting up at 9 am one day became a big thing to discuss and dissect with her hubby...:rolleyes: It was not that I did not help her in cooking or did not help her. It was just that it was not in her nature to do something for anybody without a motive. She was nice to me in India because she was getting free acco from me. In US, that was not the case, so she behaved ungraciously to me. Even rice and rasam that I ate, became a big thing - on how much she had to spend extra that week. On hindsight, it was truly her real nature that came to the fore. All it took was 5 days for me to get rid of the illusion that she was my friend.

    But this experience made me appreciate my other friends even more..the ones who selflessly help you in times of need.

    Why should that one ungracious woman affect all your other friendships? Think about it and let your anger seep away...

    love,
    Aarushi
     
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  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Sujimallige,I know exactly how you feel. Seems like your friend is either jealous of you or plain mean by nature. You know 2 months back on my husband's official work we had been south and from the place we visited his friends house was a 4 hr drive. Although we had to rush back home. His friend and his wife insisted we visit them. My husband;s work was over by 6 in the evening and by the time we reached his friends place it was 1 in the night.I wasnt expecting them to be awake at all. We just gently tapped on the door and his friend ,his wife and their small baby were eagerly waiting for us. Immediately the wife told us to freshen ourselves and by the time we did she had arranged everything on the dining table . We ate and chatted till 4 in the morning and then went to sleep. They didnt let us go the next day although we were scheduled to leave and we stayed back and left the day after. we had the best time and were well received. This is the welcome we all expect and nothing wrong in it.
    One more instance wud be another friend of my husband. His wife forced us to come to her daughter;s birthday party but after going there she didnt even talk to us straight and offered everybody else special treatment.After that i left that place and never try to keep in contact with her. Also sometimes she insulted me by cheapening everything i did or my husband did. I didnt want to blast her then as i was newly married and didnt know how my husband wud react if i did. Then i heard from my other friends that she did the same to them too. Some people get cheap pleasure in bringing down others.In your case your friend too.I will say you have to let her know u didnt like it. As now i regret giving the 2nd female back and will do it if she does that in future.I dont know whether being independent here makes some people think they are above others.But i have heard and have been told of not having class by some people whose sole aim is to prove their superiority by talking highly of themselves.My personal opinion would be you do tell her how u felt offended. I did it once to a friend who said the same to me and glad i did that because i was getting tired of her stupid talk of how high class she is ,how she shops in high end shops and how i didnt deserve to be here and my marriage was getting effected. After i put a stop to it ,i have been more confident and feel i can handle people like them. You should also try it. it will boast your morale.good luck.

    PS Does your friend stay in PA. The friend of mine who said the same does and I feel maybe they are the same. I maybe wrong too.
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2008
  8. Abha

    Abha Bronze IL'ite

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    Hey Sujimallige

    Well, i can compltely understand and empathise with you...

    After all the experiences i have had with INDIANS in USA... i can say thats nothing new... we try go out of our way to help them, befriend ppl be nice to them, and then turns out that we have made a fool of ourselves... but you know what, to hell with such ppl, you know that your heart was in the right place, why worry about ther behavior, their deeds are with them...

    it so happened with us that we had planned a trip, and my husband's friend called and asked what are you doing at the long weekend, he shared with him that we have so and so plans... and they kinda said okey yaar, we will come to your place and lets make that trip together... we were like great, comeon over and we can go ahead together from our city... we were like excited that someone's coming over to our place.. and before that trip that friends' wife called me so many times to plan this and that... even after coming back from the hectic holiday, i entered home and immediately prepared dinner for them (and she did not move at all behaving as if she is very tired) as they had to catch a flight and that day all the resturants were close....and we saw them off to the airport... i called them later as it was her birthday in a few days and one more time as well.... but that girl NEVER called me back... and till date they havent settled the expenses with us, I was shocked to the core, my husand is like its okey, we arent goin to be rich with a few bucks... ... and felt hurt for so many days, just cudnt take it out of my head... but then now i dont care at all... i've become strong hearted now...

    so just forget about it and dont give a damn...i know its not easy but just take it out of your system...

    ~Abha
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2008
  9. shravanthika

    shravanthika Senior IL'ite

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    I think everyone of here might have had a bitter experience within friends circle.Though I have lived in another country before coming here to US...and of course my friends also moved here to US one by one...everyone seem to show off how they are better than their friends especially if they are in different tiers in status .The same friends who were so close seem to behave so hostile when I call them.....after arriving in US.

    My experience is that though we are true and friendly they seem to neglect us...I have moved to 5 different cities in US since my arrival...and I have found no true friends yet.
    First I thought I might hit on someone oneday but that day is yet to arrive...

    Why do they invite us so adamently if they cant be hospitable?Is it that we should never stay over even if we are invited?Just visit and return back the same day?

    I really cant figure out..
     
  10. hydgrr

    hydgrr Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi guys,
    After reading ur post Suji, i had a rewind of my experience which i swore never to talk about to anyone.....but seeing so many encouraging posts here i thought i also speak up.....we were 4 friends in my undergrad whom i assumed were very close....so my one friend also stays in the same place where i stay n i'm married and she is not...so initially when she moved in to this place me n my husband helped her a lot in searching acco n inviting her to my place n taking her out for dinners n we never expected her to pay also...then finally she got settled one day n we both were very happy for her....then a second friend of mine who is in a different place came to visit us both and i really treated them both very well....and at tht point my first friend didnt have a car so when my second friend came over my husband drove us everywhere and also i never allowed them both to spend even a $ out of their pockets and i paid everything for them...and my friend who stays in the same place where i stay said everytime i was paying lets settle this later...n i said ok..this was like two years ago...Last year 4th friend of mine came to US after marriage and she is not working presently.....Last year my second friend had a surgery on thursday and i put airfare and went to visit her immediately on thursday nite n helped her daily in dressing, etc even though i was scared of blood. i missed my pay for friday too as it was a working day. And also i used to cook and clean for her and frankly speaking i didnt mind even a bit.....and our 4th friend who is not working was not ready to go to visit bcoz she didnt want to put an airfare n also she never remembered when tht girl's surgery was....can u believe it??..we never even went out for site seeing or something like tht since she was not doing well....so finally she never had to spend even a $ went i visited her.
    Then after she recovered she insisted on coming to my place to visit both me and my other friend.....but my first friend is always busy so she was giving some reason or the other for every weekend they were picking so finally they picked the weekend where on Monday was my husband's bday....and they gave me no option to say no she simply brought the ticket....n i'm married for just 1 and half yr and this is our second bday with my husband.....they forced my 4th friend who was unwilling to come to come also....so i ll tell u now how their trip went...my 4th friend came first on friday so i went to pick her up.....n then as soon as she came to my place she didnt even stay a min she called another friend of hers who is in same apts as mine and tht girl came n picked her up...then my second friend arrives...so me and my first frend were on our way to pick her up when my friend's car broke down on a highway....then i called my husband to pick my third friend from airport and then my husband came to the place where the car broke down and 4 of us stayed there like till 12 in the night and finally my husband fixed the car and we drove back....as soon as i came home at 12:30am i made uppama as my third friend didnt want to have pizza....n none of them bothered to come into the kitchen even to help me....n my husband was mad at me to cook so late in the night....then after some 10 calls my 4th friend arrives and we all sleep...and next day we get up and then my frend whose car broke down took my husband along with her in the morning to garages n all those places to get her car fixed....my husband is doing his MBA and is a very busy person in spite of all tht he was taking time out to help them...and since during the first trip i paid all expenses i was expected my first friend to take care of everything this time...instead she said lets split the expenses between 4 of us.....n then i asked her wht abt the first trip u said u will pay me n u never asked also how much was the bill....and the bill was more 300$ first time as we ate out the entire weekend and also we went to aquarium n imax movie.....she told ok i ll pay back later.....n dont know wht happened they three were always mistreating me during the trip....i kept quite.....and finally they all went back on monday....after tht they never called me back....n also my first frend who said she will settle my bill...never spoke to me after tht......so after this i never understood how ppl could behave like tht.....my friend stopped calling me bcoz of the fear where i shall ask her money....n if anytime they need any help or advice they shamelessly take complete advantage of me n my husband.....my husband is very helpful to everyone n keeps telling me y dont u call them up...and also i never told my husband the reason y we are not talking.....so finally a got a big lesson
    how ppl could cut relationships for a couple dollars....but frankly speaking after seeing their behavior i never know how anyone behaves at wht time.....
    Sorry for such a long post....but now i atleast feel good that i'm sharing this with u guys....any comments or suggestions are welcome
    -Riya
     
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