Feeling hurted and angry

Sapna56 · Nov 29, 2015

Hi Guys
Felt like sharing something.
My sil is always involved in cold wars wid me.
After I got married she stayed wid me n hubby for couple of months. My pil had warned me n DH to take care of her n take her wherever we go. I dont remember any movie we saw widout taking her. In short she was wid us in r honeymoon period. N she created lot of troubles by telling rubbish to pil. Inspite of talking care of dat 30 year old lady like r own daughter, my pil yelled on us dat we didn't take her care n we didn't show her any respect.
Den me n DH moved to USA. Den she stopped talking wid me. I used to feel hurted and at the same time angry wid this. I was expecting and during my entire pregnancy she didn't talk wid me. Now when she came applied for f1 , she thought that she may come to stay wid us n so she started talking again.
My DH didn't tell me anything about her plans to come. N when I came to know by reading my DH messages I became very angry n lost trust in him. I never thought he will act like dis wid me.
In dat anger I messaged my sil dat don't come to stay wid us. I guess my anger is justified coz she didn't talk a word wid me, n my DH never told me about these plans. N all of a sudden I came to know dis. N all dis happened 5 weeks after my delivery. I was already in postpartum depression.
DH made her stay outside after a week after she came to USA.
I came to India after my delivery. As soon as I came to India DH got sil back to stay at our place. Now she is staying at our place, using everything in my kitchen but didn't talk a word wid me.
Also my DH motivates her to hang out wid my nearby friends. What is hurting me and also making me angry is dat she stays at my place, hangs out wid my friends, uses our social circle but she doesn't speak a word wid me. I am in India but she can atleast message me n ask how's me n my baby doing.
When I discussed dis wid my DH he doesnt agree wid me n doesn't accept his sisters misbehavior.
He don't understand or rather don't want to understand where m coming from.
such issues wid my sil are affecting my relationship wid DH. He's not ready to listen n he acts neutral. But somehow I get angry on dis kind of behavior of his.
Root cause for all such stuff is my sil. When she was not there everything's worked very smoothly between me n DH.
My DH motivated sil to come to USA n he hided everything from me. He even used to delete their conversations. N used to talk about dis by going out of d house or in my absence. Dis make me feel more insecure. N coz of dis I lost trust n respect for him.
My pil puts my sils marriage pressure on my DH. Somehow he feels dat it's his sis is his responsibility n not of my pil. My pil nicely roam here n there n they have pushed their daughters responsibility on my DH n ultimately on me too.
Sometimes I go mad thinking n thinking abt dat lady n it's also disturbing my married life n relationship wid DH.
I don't say dat my DH is completely non coperative. But at d same time he is very much concerned abt his sis too. He does try to balance. But he also acts very smart which hurts me. He motivates her n uses r social circle. What I feel is sil shud create her own social circle n stay away from r married life n my friends. My DH purposely don't tell me anything abt her n I come to know from others which hurts me.
Suggest me if my anger n hurt are justified n how shud I work out on my relationship wid DH wid all this.

Iamagoodgirl · Nov 29, 2015

OP you have to set borders initially in marriage.I feel its too late to set borders now.
You need to stop expecting anything from her.She might be palying these games purposely.

About your sil living under same roof in usa ,how long she is going to stay there?If it is not long term set up just tolerate her presence.

From your side you made your sister live in totally alone in foreign land.OP that was bad move.You have tarnish your image in front of dh and inlaws.youo cant expect her to be nice with you after that.

If you want to keep your own relationship with dh smooth you need stop reacting like this.you need to play smart too.

sarajara · Nov 29, 2015

sapna....

i think you are in real soup now.. i feel tha tyou had reacted too quick to message her not to stay with you in US. whenn you discovered that she is projecting a different picture of your hospitality to your pil,you should have pulled up every one for an open discusssion and made everything clear.

if everyy one is not ready to understand it could have been taken up according to the opinion of your DH and pils by explaining them things according to their outlook.

you directly messaging ur sil not to come is a total wrong step . now that she is with you guys and your DH is already supporting her.... you have to be patient enough to make him listen. I know ladies have their own rights to ask for recognition and ears.. but in this case before even you can think there had been a - ve opinion in you..

so what i would suggest is to be passive for time being and have your own timepass for yourself and plan some activities exclusively for you so that you be away from the negative thoughts and situations around you.

if you are working it would be good . else try to find out some ways to make yourself busy like online posts on cookery, essays etc.. of your choice... let hings become ilttle diluted then you would also find some idea to correct things.

All the Best!

Sapna56 · Nov 29, 2015

She's going to stay wid my DH during my India trip. Dats wat DH said. So I guess after my return she ll stay away. Also I apologize her for d message I sent n she even stayed wid us for a week when she came from India.

Sapna56 · Nov 29, 2015

Hey sarajara
M in India now n my DH got her home coz of my India trip.

armummy · Nov 29, 2015

You have problems with your SIL and she is mean to you. So what do you want your husband to do , cut all ties with her.what is the issue if your husband motivates his sister to come here for studies , I guess he did not share with you because you would object.

You send a very due SMS to her and made her stay alone away from you guys.

now that you are there in India , you husband is making her comfortable . Do you have while and some rights over friend circle that she cannot interact with her . Stop being petty.

In all likelihood , your husband will again send her away once you are back , so just sit right and enjoy your vacation in India . When you come back you can fight with your husband if he thinks about making her you guys . By past experience , he will make her ho away under your pressure . So chill and enjoy .

And did you get treated for post partum depression , if not consult dr immidiatley and focus on that .

sunshine1970 · Dec 1, 2015

Really hard to follow your posts as you use too much slang. If sil moves out before you go home all is good, if not then you need to discuss this with your husband.