Feeling Helpless bcz of brother wedding - Suggestions

OP,

If he really liked those girls, he should have got married. Caving into parental pressure was not right, on his part.

I can understand how you must feel, because one of my relatives married a girl, who is only a graduate, in a not so good, poorly-paid job. Every one in our family is professionally qualified.

No one looks down on her. Our relatives treat her and her family at par with themselves. But, there is a difference in the topics of conversation, thoughts, mindsets, and it is not easy to get past this all the time. She is going to be closely related to you, so I understand your worrying.

It is best that to marry people at equal socio-economic level as oneself. Neither too rich, nor too poor. Because money is immaterial. But the differences in upbringing, and mindsets is very difficult to accommodate. I have seen this with these relatives.

Tell your brother you are there for him. Talk to him about his reasons for marrying. I think he is worried about ending up alone. If so, then try having some of your eligible friends/acquaintances around, get your parents involved in searching for a girl, create an online profile.

If he is serious about this girl, then there is nothing you can do, other than accepting his choice. Tell him you will support him. But, ask him some questions, just to make sure he is not marrying just for the sake of marriage.

1. Why is he accepting her now, after rejecting her earlier? Try to find out if he really loves her, or only wants to settle down.
2. Can she fit in with your family, despite difference in background? If yes, then good. No more questions.
3. How he will feel if his wife is unable to fit in during gatherings, functions etc., due to differences in background?
4. How will he feel if his relatives are not able to mix with her?
5. Will his girl friend feel comfortable in these situations?

First, however, I think you should meet her face to face. Try to get to know her. Is she able to converse with you on general topics, like current events? Will she be able to mingle, in spite of her different background? Is she good - natured? Will she keep your brother happy? If you answer yes, then you can bless this match.

 

Ex colleague and friend to who? You or your brother? If she used to work with your bro then that means she has similar qualifications/profession as him. So she is in fact well educated, qualified and holding a good job. Now the thing about her dad being a daily wage employee and her sisters profession-- is your concern because they may require financial assistance from the couple after marriage or is it a class/snob thing?

Op, frankly I am beginning to sympathize with your bro's plight. Poor guy just wants to get married and nothing wrong with that. Now at age 30 really it is high time he did so. He has bowed to family wishes not once but twice. First for you and then because he was dating a foreigner which he too realized is not going to be a good fit with his family. Now even though he has found an Indian girl, well qualified, former colleague to boot, you ppl are not happy and still raising objections. I do understand his frustration. (And I did notice the afterthought you inserted about caste -- am sure it is also a factor in the mix) I think you need to step up and be the elder sister and support him in his choices. Tell one thing: did you/your parent look for a match for him till now? No right? too busy with your married life, right? You ppl should be actively helping him get married and instead of that you are only are raising objections when he tries to resolve the issue by himself. This is not correct -- in my opinion.

Her Facebook comments and choices mean nothing. in fact this is a very 'woman' thing that is bothering you about her choice or way of talking...I mean we women notice such things and hold them against each other but not so with men...men rarely are bothered by/notice such things...are you really expecting a clone of yourself/your mom to come as your sil? That is unrealistic. In every alliance there will be some cons. You really should go meet her and talk to her. Her choice and comments on stupid fb dont matter as much as how she behaves with you, talks to you or treats you and your parents. Her nature, her outlook these are the things to consider not all this other stuff about which horoscope, what does her dad do and what does her sister do. Again just my opinion.

 

Good God!! so indirectly are you agreeing it is a class thing????

^^^This is what you believe now. And yet 7 years ago the above did not apply --neither to you, nor to him. 7 years ago age was more important, wasnt it? yes I do find your statement ironical.

Actually here you misunderstood me completely. I said 'the poor guy just wants to get married' because ever since he was 23, ie., for past 7 years he has been actively attempting to enter the state of matrimony - with 3 different women, no less. Nothing 'haw 30 and unmarried' about it. 7 years is a long time to spend trying to do any one thing including trying to get married.

all the more reason to respect his choice then isnt it? if he has been shown girls you/ family think are suitable/respectable and has vetoed them all then it is very clear where his choice lies. Then why the stress and confusion?

 

i think the sister op here has genuine concern for her brother's long term life on marriage with this alliance.... love is blind and all do say no caste , no religion, no issues.... but after marriage all these issues do crop up.... also normal marriages where all are right and worked out too hav issues...so no question ther will be issues in here... your bro is just sleeping with eyes open

 

Dear OP,

I was resisting my self to post on thread but doing finally.
Nice to hear you are comparing receptionist with maid (however maid's are also human being and they have full right). Your brother is n love woth that girl and and you/family is not in favor because of her financial status. Will you guarantee, if he marry to some one from your class, his life will be set and happy..No..right?..because no one can predict (I had seen girls who were too good from childhood but made their ILs life hell after marriage).

Your brother is in love ..he is not a teenager who can not take a decision him self. Let him marry and live life in his own term. Also, horoscope is not some thing which guarantee for happy life (visit relationship section in IL..will not how many unhappy couples are their whose horoscope are matched or theyr are from same so called status). Personally, mine is love marriage , horoscope didn't match and not same family status but we have same level of education. We are a happy couple with no IL issue or any thing (now we are married for 7 years). My brother married to a girl who was from village (she completed her graduation after marriage and post graduation after her 2 kids) because my grand pa liked her. And he is happy with his wife (and we too, she adjusted very well in family and I am proud to say she is favorite DIL in our family/relatives and she took my elders sis's place , I do not have any sister). My brother is married for 12 years now and we are very proud of her. So it is not always status or education which guarantee happiness in family.

 

Re: the 'class thing':

Defining 'class' socioeconomically (decoupled from caste), for me, class origins would not matter, but class constraints would. If I were to run into a grad-school classmate at the airport on her way to the Thyagaraja Festival in Cleveland, clutching a copy of Piketty for in-flight reading, then there's a basis for friendship and more. It would not matter that her father is a truck-driver in India. The girl in this TED video (at 10:25 min) can count on a date with me anytime (were she older!) - so much yearning, so much passion, so much energy, such a capacity for pleasure! Her eyes are set on the far horizon. She will make something of herself, thanks to Shukla; but then this is a statistical anomaly. In general, a lower socioeconomic status in India (and elsewhere) dooms you to limited horizons, no mater what your ability.

Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,
And waste its sweetness on the desert air.

Therein lies the tragedy of socioeconomic class.

(The complement can be true as well, as so many members of the British royal family and other privileged scions of the 1% are keen to demonstrate!)

In OP's case, the concerns are justified. Her worry is that the incompatibilities might portend fissures in the marriage later. Of course, the problem is that only the brother knows the girl in question - so yes, OP try and get to know her. My hope is that she has latent energies that your brother finds attractive, although I am still not persuaded about his judgement. Maybe she will surprise you. As for education, degrees and so on, if she is able and motivated, then those temporary 'failings' can be remedied. In the end, it's his life, he is an educated, employed, independent adult, so he gets to make the call, he gets to deal with the consequences, but OP's worries can well be that of a good sister who only wants what's best for her brother.