Feeling Financially Insecure...

You resigned your job to manage the family, and it was a joint decision. If that's the case, you should have equal access to his salary, and have a say in any financial decisions he makes. This is the ideal situation in a normal family.
But practically speaking, the earning partner will always have a say in financial matters, just like the home maker has her way of managing the home (like, asking family members to keep the shoes away, close the kitchen at certain times, choosing the menu and disciplining the kids) It is normal though.

This is why, I usually encourage women to find helps (if possible from extended family) during the most prime years of their kids' life as oppose to leave their career. This will help them a million times down the line.
However, if you have chosen your children over a career, never mind... but seek help to rebuild your career as early as you can to ensure self dependence.

Everything will fall in place the moment you stop depending on others.

Now that you are earning. Start a proper financial management.
You don't have to share everything you earn with your spouse. Sit with him, calculate the family expenses, savings, EMI etc together and share a proportion of your salary to a joint account which you both have access to.
From this account, you can spend for the family needs such as grocery, education, health, fuel, bills etc as well as monthly savings for the family. If you plan to invest from this joint savings, make sure the investment is jointly agreed and is on joint names.

The rest of your salary should go to your respective independent accounts. And it is up to you to decide whether to save them for the future, invest or spend on your needs. Even you are free to support your FOO.
You are free to invest on your name or joint names. It is upto you based on your family dynamics. If you think your salary is not adequate to spend or support your FOO, then you have to start upgrading yourself to earn more.
If you think you do not have time to improve your career due to family burden, then both spouses should discuss and share the burden equally. You guys can outsource help such as day care or nanny if kids are still young and include these expenses in family expense.

Put your foot down, start working on self improvement towards self dependence.

 

i do not want to derail or suggest D. but how different is your life right now with kids at home. i am guess it is still close to empty nest. After kids enter high school they almost have a life of their own. my elder will go to college next year. her daily communication has reduced a lot.

now with strained relationship with spouse. it is even harder.

 

@anivijay,

I am praying for your peace of mind. It is even hard to read everything you wrote in this thread leave alone living it. You seem to have a lot of pent up emotions which you need to release. That is precisely why you are stressed. Clearly, your husband is a control freek and I don't even know why you think he is a good person. May be some of his actions intermitently might make you feel that way. Which husband in the right frame of mind will ask for half share for cinema and half share for a dinner you all had as a family? You should not put up with that nonsense at all.

I would strongly suggest you commence counseling for overcoming your grief of losing your mother, and your husband's ill treatment of you. You clearly said your husband helped his famil for the first 8 years after your marriage and similarly you have a right to help your sisters whatever way you deem appropriate. After all these years of him demanding everything you spent for your family to be treated as a loan that you need to repay, it is time for you have a meaningful discussion with him to determine your family expenses and in what proportion it should be shared between the two of you. Most of your salary going to common fund and still him demanding money for even having dinner and cinema is not right.

If you really like to stay on in this marriage despite all that silent treatment and emotional abuse, it is time that you live together for the children only with some kind of a clear understanding that funds earned by each one belong to the respective spouse. You will only contribute what is needed to run your home and everything else will have to be managed by each spouse. Please consult a financial advisor as to how to invest your funds wisely for your future. What I am worried about is what example you set for your children. They watch all that happens at home and their future life may be affected emotionally because of what they go through now.

At this stage, what you are doing is not sacrifice but allowing a spouse to cross the boundaries by not standing up for yourself. Instead of writing so much here in IL, focus your attention on actions you need to take. None of the words we say here is going to help you unless you make your own decisions and actions. You are the best judge of your situation. Please review everything including what you have already agreed to do and assume you need to press a refresh button. Peace of mind in a married life is lot more important than the money one earns or saves. Whatever price one has to pay for achieving the peace, one should do, in my opinion.

My prayers are with you.

Viswa

 

@anivijay,

While writing this, I sent you a lot of healing energy by praying a lot for your well-being. Be confident that you would be able to find peace soon once you set things right. I wrote everything here thinking what I would have said to my daughter or sister if they were to consult me in this situation. Let God shower His grace to you for peace of mind and good health. Miracles can happen and who knows your husband may turn around once you take firm actions. Sometimes, things happen because we let that happen. All your husband needs is an awakening and he at this point has no one to tell him what he was doing is wrong. You can be that person. After living for so many years together, some sort of dependency will be there for each other and when you shake him up a little, he might understand what was going through your mind for many years.

At any cost, you need to reduce your stress level soon and it is not good for your health. That is number one priority. Constant emotional stress will have negative effect on your personal and professional life. Please consult a counselor immediately to overcome this. Be courageous and firm in facing your husband when he begins his verbal barrage when you change your financial commitments. Consider your self-confidence, self-respect, self-worth is much more valuable that conciliatary approach. Conciliatary approach is recommended only when you are dealing with a rationale person. Once you do that, you will achieve invaluable peace of mind. 5 years of peaceful married life is worth a lot more than 25 years of abusive marital relationship.

God Bless You.