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Feeling Financially Insecure...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anivijay, Oct 5, 2023.

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Oct 7, 2023 #11

PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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Hi OP, reading your post made me really feel bad for you. I totally agree with whatever @DDream has written in detail.

The mistake was yours and entirely yours at the 1st place. 2 mistakes of yours has brought you to this state in 20years.

1st mistake: to give everything you earned to your husband and let him control everything financially.
2nd mistake: you're too much into taking care of your sister's financial needs. Helping occasionally or in case of ill-health is fine but not at the cost of losing your own peace happiness and financial stability.

How to do the damage repair? If you counter him now suddenly after 20years, definitely there will be more fights. He is very cleverly gaslighting you and showing narcissistic behaviour.
Immediate step to take is stop giving your money to him. Cut his access to your account(s). Change password or open new account amd do not share details.
Again this step is possible if he has never shared his account details to you.
Next, stop paying so called debts to your husband. He is financially abusing you.
Spending for kids should be from common account n not just you paying from your momey. In case of major decisions like education cost or foreign trip for your son as mentioned, you both should discuss before hand and agree to it n use common fund for such expenses.
If he earns 1lakh and you earn just 50 thousand then set a rule to contribute 50% of both of your salary to the common funding account so that he contributes 50 thousand and you contribute 25 thousand to it. This money should be used for all household expenses, kids expenses, home renovation or trips to india or vacation expenses etc.
What you do with remaining 25 thousand should be your personal choice and it should be in your control. You save from it or shop for yourself or for your sisters from it. Similarly what he does with the remaining 50k of his salary is his personal choice.

Now about he asking you to pay for restaurant bill of your food, this is really petty and cheap of him. Who cooks at home? If you cook all meals n do all the cleaning and laundry of your husband n kids then start charging it too or refuse to do it and see what he says.
Ask him to pay you his debt for 20years doing all these services for him.
What about physical intimacy?next time he comes close to you, tell him that you're not interested since he treated you as roommate all these years and have never considered your emotions. As he didn't even allow you to sot on his lazy boy chair, then you cNnot give yourself to him.
There will be fights as he wont accept you being financially independent but you have to be strong and fight this. All the best OP.

PurpleRoses, Oct 7, 2023

PurpleRoses, Oct 7, 2023

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Oct 7, 2023 #12

MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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I have read your previous posts about your family, OP. It looks like you have had a lot of obligations to them and the relations have not always been smooth. Your husband has cleverly used this as an excuse to wreak financial havoc on you.
Please understand that this is not a normal behavior in a marriage, to harass a spouse for money like this especially after the death of a parent. You are not business partners balancing a ledger. The other ladies have all made excellent points. Please take steps to secure your finances and those of your children.

MalStrom, Oct 7, 2023

MalStrom, Oct 7, 2023

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Oct 8, 2023 #13

anivijay Gold IL'ite

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DDream said: ↑

Toxic environment
May be you are not aware that you are a victim of abuse (financial abuse, emotional abuse, &verbal abuse, except physical abuse). You both were equally employed. You could have managed kids by utilizing day cares. But, you trusted him and sacrificed your career by giving full control of your life to husband. He appears to be a good provider, good son have good intensions for his kids. He likes to control every thing and if anything goes against his comfort zone, starts behaving like a narcists(check Dr Ramani's channel in youtube). But, the way he treats you like an outsider, not as his betterhalf, is unacceptable.
An abuser is not a good husband or father( bad example to kids). In a healthy marriage, you can express your feelings, opinions, problems, confusions. But, when you do that he punishes you, instead of supporting you. You are walking on eggshells and gets burned by his gaslighting. Is it healthy?

Silent treatment is an attempt to punish you, to control you, to make you feel guilty. He knows it works and it affect you. You need to learn how to manage it. Just think it is his problem. Have this attitude ' he can be silent for months, I dont care'. Understand that its his tactic to make you yield to his demands. You should not acknowledge his stonewalling. If anything is there regarding kids or home or common things, communicate or you can consider texting him. Dont wait for reply. He should realise that his fear tactics, silent treatment and abuse not working anymore. For that you have to be strong ( you may find many posts in IL, read it) and be happy and cheerful as if you dont care about his silence.
He is treating you this way because to some extent you allowed him to do. He just need you to take care of home / kids/ show every one he has normal life. In between, he love bombs you, give you breadcrumbs, you long for more thinking its pure love and yield to more demands.
Even though I agree thst he has every right to protect his money, his lack of empathy is very noticeable. If he love or respect you, it reflect in his all his dealings with you. But its not there, thats the truth. Better be realistic. May be its codependency . Be mindful and enjoy good moments. But dont fall for his tactics or yield on the things you are not comfortable with. Learn to say NO.

Money management.
I feel, the main issue is that you both didn't have clarity or agreement on how it should be done, mostly due to your blind belief in him. There are many couples, who have joint accounts and manage every thing including taking care of both sides of family. Still issue can arise if there is overspending from one side.

Its his/ your duty to takecare if his side/ your side. Like@ Rihana mentioned, its ok if a system exist. In my case too, we share home expenses equally( similar salary, When I earn more I contribute more and vice versa) and dont interfere if my h/ me take care of his / my side for genuine needs. I believe in equality and dont want to depend on anyone. Sameway, we pay for personal expense, including flight tickets, car ( share family trip) seperately. Use common credit card for household expense.It works because we are using our hard earned money for our needs in the way we want it, in a responsible way. But I noticed that issues occur if husband start controlling wife or viceversa. I mentioned the above because its not abnormal if the above system exists. Traditionally we expect husband to do everything. Even with homemakers, not many husband allow spending beyond their comfortzone, sometimes give some money per month for spending. Your husband mentioned this option, but you are employed.

You might have given money in the past, even now. But, asking money from him for your family, might have triggered him. He dont consider your family as his. But its not an excuse for fighting for it just after your moms death and humiliate you in front of your family for 10K and ask money even for food from restaurant. He clearly showed that you are not his team and its you and me not us. But as a life partner he has every right to raise his concern if his wife is over spending, but it can be done in a better way.

What you need now is actions not words. Learn how to talk in calm way using minimum words, if he starts fighting just walk away. Dont give explanation and yield if he start his tantrums. Be very strong. Be very firm.

*You cant change past. So focus on present and future
* rules are same for every one.
* if he can spend on his side you too can using yourfamily or for your needs with your own salary, but never help anyone beyond your comfort zone. You dont have to inform each and every thing if he is not doing the same with you.
* try not to ask any money from him, instead save for you and spend from there.
* focus on your career and try to get better job as you are equally capable
* most important, do you know what your monthly family expense is? As you are working, you can contribute however small it is. I cant blame him if he expect your contributions.
Suppose his earning is 7000 and yours 3000, he should contribute 70% of total expense and you 30%. If total expense is 5000, your contribution can be 1500, not any more. No court will tell you to give more than you can afford . Family expense means, grocery, mortgage, insurance, any joint investment, kids expense, entertainment, family trip, restaurant etc.. I have mentioned it here as he withdraw money from your account for one reason or other.
* seperate accounts : do you have access to all his accounts? Can you withdraw money? Rules are the same. If not, you need to protect your side.
* its your responsibility to help mom or siblings, but know the limits. First takecare of yourself and then others, otherwise endup with trouble.

Have your own bank account where he dont have access. Input salary to your checking. Have your own saving account. Remove all your money from your saving he has access to. Every month add your contribution to that savings so that he can take it. If you have common credit card, use that if you buy anything related to the common expense. If not use one of yourcard for this and reduce that amount from your contributions per month
Use your own card for your expense. Apply for one if you dont have. That way you can protect your privacy. Also, contribute maximum to retirement. Will your husband ask your contribution if you are going for treatment. So need savings for your emergency funds.

* discuss and come to an agreement before any major common expense like kitchen renovation/ PR. Be very firm on how much you can spend. If he dont agree, dont go for it. If both you earn similar, spending 50-50 is ideal. ( we do that )

* dont ask for permission or approval for every thing personal. Learn how to do things by yourself even buying things for yourself. Cant you buy lazy boy if you want to? .

Its funny that he think your services are free and his one euro is important. When you left job you were working fulltime as nanny, housekeeper etc.. You can prapare an invoice how that cost if a help was hired. I wrote this here to give you an idea how much you saved and contributed to the family.

If he can charge you for restaurant food, you can charge him for the services you provide. Isnt it? Nothing is free .

Abuse and health
You have to be very proactive in taking care of yourself. You need neutrients to fight stress hormones. Makesure you are taking multivitamines including vit D if its low, eat good food, excercise and do some relaxing meditation or yoga. If not you endup sick in future. Be careful. Have 'me time' everyday and start living your life. Love yourself. You should be your top priority. Your kids are learning from these double standards, so be a confident person, direct them and take care of them well.

Actions
Calling him out wont help you. So, don't react, instead be smart, start taking control of your life. Once you finalize how finance should be done, accounts were created, communicate if needed. Silently change the current setup. He should know only when its done. Still Don't share all your account details.
I feel you should try to contribute to monthly expenses as you are earning, however small it may be, that can solve issues to some extend as it appears like agreeing to one of his demand. But be firm that you won't pay for common expense including restaurant payments in future if you add your monthly contributions. He should not ask. This may give you some satisfaction that you are contributing. If he ask , you can tell, no court will ask me to pay more than what I have contributed with my salary. Stop paying for yourflight ticket debt, instead make a list of money you contributed to common expense and see if it balances. Let him talk forever, Dont respond unless its much needed. Focus on your life. Ask him to do more household jobs too.

You only know your life. So, detach a bit and look at your problems as a third person. What advice you give if its another person. Also, introspect. That give some idea. My intension here is to give some perspectives, hope you find a few useful. Be smart, learn how to tackle it and make your life peaceful. I feel once you take control of your finances, things can fall in place even if turbulence occurs at the beginning. All you need is determination.

Know your rights
I guess you need to empower yourself. You are entitled to 50% of your marital assets. If you go for divorce you get it plus alimony as he earns more. If you are not feeling good or confident, you can seek professional help. Don't inform your dh about it. Consult an attorney or financial adviser or go for counselling if you need to. Also, learn about your family's total income, tax filing etc. Have a copy of it etc..It help you to gain confidence on legal and personal rights as a wife and as a person by providing ways to manage current situation.
Click to expand...

DDream said: ↑

Toxic environment
May be you are not aware that you are a victim of abuse (financial abuse, emotional abuse, &verbal abuse, except physical abuse). You both were equally employed. You could have managed kids by utilizing day cares. But, you trusted him and sacrificed your career by giving full control of your life to husband. He appears to be a good provider, good son have good intensions for his kids. He likes to control every thing and if anything goes against his comfort zone, starts behaving like a narcists(check Dr Ramani's channel in youtube). But, the way he treats you like an outsider, not as his betterhalf, is unacceptable.
An abuser is not a good husband or father( bad example to kids). In a healthy marriage, you can express your feelings, opinions, problems, confusions. But, when you do that he punishes you, instead of supporting you. You are walking on eggshells and gets burned by his gaslighting. Is it healthy?

Silent treatment is an attempt to punish you, to control you, to make you feel guilty. He knows it works and it affect you. You need to learn how to manage it. Just think it is his problem. Have this attitude ' he can be silent for months, I dont care'. Understand that its his tactic to make you yield to his demands. You should not acknowledge his stonewalling. If anything is there regarding kids or home or common things, communicate or you can consider texting him. Dont wait for reply. He should realise that his fear tactics, silent treatment and abuse not working anymore. For that you have to be strong ( you may find many posts in IL, read it) and be happy and cheerful as if you dont care about his silence.
He is treating you this way because to some extent you allowed him to do. He just need you to take care of home / kids/ show every one he has normal life. In between, he love bombs you, give you breadcrumbs, you long for more thinking its pure love and yield to more demands.
Even though I agree thst he has every right to protect his money, his lack of empathy is very noticeable. If he love or respect you, it reflect in his all his dealings with you. But its not there, thats the truth. Better be realistic. May be its codependency . Be mindful and enjoy good moments. But dont fall for his tactics or yield on the things you are not comfortable with. Learn to say NO.

Money management.
I feel, the main issue is that you both didn't have clarity or agreement on how it should be done, mostly due to your blind belief in him. There are many couples, who have joint accounts and manage every thing including taking care of both sides of family. Still issue can arise if there is overspending from one side.

Its his/ your duty to takecare if his side/ your side. Like@ Rihana mentioned, its ok if a system exist. In my case too, we share home expenses equally( similar salary, When I earn more I contribute more and vice versa) and dont interfere if my h/ me take care of his / my side for genuine needs. I believe in equality and dont want to depend on anyone. Sameway, we pay for personal expense, including flight tickets, car ( share family trip) seperately. Use common credit card for household expense.It works because we are using our hard earned money for our needs in the way we want it, in a responsible way. But I noticed that issues occur if husband start controlling wife or viceversa. I mentioned the above because its not abnormal if the above system exists. Traditionally we expect husband to do everything. Even with homemakers, not many husband allow spending beyond their comfortzone, sometimes give some money per month for spending. Your husband mentioned this option, but you are employed.

You might have given money in the past, even now. But, asking money from him for your family, might have triggered him. He dont consider your family as his. But its not an excuse for fighting for it just after your moms death and humiliate you in front of your family for 10K and ask money even for food from restaurant. He clearly showed that you are not his team and its you and me not us. But as a life partner he has every right to raise his concern if his wife is over spending, but it can be done in a better way.

What you need now is actions not words. Learn how to talk in calm way using minimum words, if he starts fighting just walk away. Dont give explanation and yield if he start his tantrums. Be very strong. Be very firm.

*You cant change past. So focus on present and future
* rules are same for every one.
* if he can spend on his side you too can using yourfamily or for your needs with your own salary, but never help anyone beyond your comfort zone. You dont have to inform each and every thing if he is not doing the same with you.
* try not to ask any money from him, instead save for you and spend from there.
* focus on your career and try to get better job as you are equally capable
* most important, do you know what your monthly family expense is? As you are working, you can contribute however small it is. I cant blame him if he expect your contributions.
Suppose his earning is 7000 and yours 3000, he should contribute 70% of total expense and you 30%. If total expense is 5000, your contribution can be 1500, not any more. No court will tell you to give more than you can afford . Family expense means, grocery, mortgage, insurance, any joint investment, kids expense, entertainment, family trip, restaurant etc.. I have mentioned it here as he withdraw money from your account for one reason or other.
* seperate accounts : do you have access to all his accounts? Can you withdraw money? Rules are the same. If not, you need to protect your side.
* its your responsibility to help mom or siblings, but know the limits. First takecare of yourself and then others, otherwise endup with trouble.

Have your own bank account where he dont have access. Input salary to your checking. Have your own saving account. Remove all your money from your saving he has access to. Every month add your contribution to that savings so that he can take it. If you have common credit card, use that if you buy anything related to the common expense. If not use one of yourcard for this and reduce that amount from your contributions per month
Use your own card for your expense. Apply for one if you dont have. That way you can protect your privacy. Also, contribute maximum to retirement. Will your husband ask your contribution if you are going for treatment. So need savings for your emergency funds.

* discuss and come to an agreement before any major common expense like kitchen renovation/ PR. Be very firm on how much you can spend. If he dont agree, dont go for it. If both you earn similar, spending 50-50 is ideal. ( we do that )

* dont ask for permission or approval for every thing personal. Learn how to do things by yourself even buying things for yourself. Cant you buy lazy boy if you want to? .

Its funny that he think your services are free and his one euro is important. When you left job you were working fulltime as nanny, housekeeper etc.. You can prapare an invoice how that cost if a help was hired. I wrote this here to give you an idea how much you saved and contributed to the family.

If he can charge you for restaurant food, you can charge him for the services you provide. Isnt it? Nothing is free .

Abuse and health
You have to be very proactive in taking care of yourself. You need neutrients to fight stress hormones. Makesure you are taking multivitamines including vit D if its low, eat good food, excercise and do some relaxing meditation or yoga. If not you endup sick in future. Be careful. Have 'me time' everyday and start living your life. Love yourself. You should be your top priority. Your kids are learning from these double standards, so be a confident person, direct them and take care of them well.

Actions
Calling him out wont help you. So, don't react, instead be smart, start taking control of your life. Once you finalize how finance should be done, accounts were created, communicate if needed. Silently change the current setup. He should know only when its done. Still Don't share all your account details.
I feel you should try to contribute to monthly expenses as you are earning, however small it may be, that can solve issues to some extend as it appears like agreeing to one of his demand. But be firm that you won't pay for common expense including restaurant payments in future if you add your monthly contributions. He should not ask. This may give you some satisfaction that you are contributing. If he ask , you can tell, no court will ask me to pay more than what I have contributed with my salary. Stop paying for yourflight ticket debt, instead make a list of money you contributed to common expense and see if it balances. Let him talk forever, Dont respond unless its much needed. Focus on your life. Ask him to do more household jobs too.

You only know your life. So, detach a bit and look at your problems as a third person. What advice you give if its another person. Also, introspect. That give some idea. My intension here is to give some perspectives, hope you find a few useful. Be smart, learn how to tackle it and make your life peaceful. I feel once you take control of your finances, things can fall in place even if turbulence occurs at the beginning. All you need is determination.

Know your rights
I guess you need to empower yourself. You are entitled to 50% of your marital assets. If you go for divorce you get it plus alimony as he earns more. If you are not feeling good or confident, you can seek professional help. Don't inform your dh about it. Consult an attorney or financial adviser or go for counselling if you need to. Also, learn about your family's total income, tax filing etc. Have a copy of it etc..It help you to gain confidence on legal and personal rights as a wife and as a person by providing ways to manage current situation.
Click to expand...

@DDream , thank you so much for this. Every word makes sense. I used to think sometimes, I am in abusive relationship, but l keep on finding excuses for him.. This is an eye opener.

I don't think divorce is an option. I don't know what I will do or what he will do if we seperate. But I will take all steps you have mentioned about finance and taking care of me.. thank you so much..

Last edited: Oct 8, 2023

anivijay, Oct 8, 2023

anivijay, Oct 8, 2023

#13
Oct 8, 2023 #14

anivijay Gold IL'ite

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PurpleRoses said: ↑

Hi OP, reading your post made me really feel bad for you. I totally agree with whatever @DDream has written in detail.

The mistake was yours and entirely yours at the 1st place. 2 mistakes of yours has brought you to this state in 20years.

1st mistake: to give everything you earned to your husband and let him control everything financially.
2nd mistake: you're too much into taking care of your sister's financial needs. Helping occasionally or in case of ill-health is fine but not at the cost of losing your own peace happiness and financial stability.

How to do the damage repair? If you counter him now suddenly after 20years, definitely there will be more fights. He is very cleverly gaslighting you and showing narcissistic behaviour.
Immediate step to take is stop giving your money to him. Cut his access to your account(s). Change password or open new account amd do not share details.
Again this step is possible if he has never shared his account details to you.
Next, stop paying so called debts to your husband. He is financially abusing you.
Spending for kids should be from common account n not just you paying from your momey. In case of major decisions like education cost or foreign trip for your son as mentioned, you both should discuss before hand and agree to it n use common fund for such expenses.
If he earns 1lakh and you earn just 50 thousand then set a rule to contribute 50% of both of your salary to the common funding account so that he contributes 50 thousand and you contribute 25 thousand to it. This money should be used for all household expenses, kids expenses, home renovation or trips to india or vacation expenses etc.
What you do with remaining 25 thousand should be your personal choice and it should be in your control. You save from it or shop for yourself or for your sisters from it. Similarly what he does with the remaining 50k of his salary is his personal choice.

Now about he asking you to pay for restaurant bill of your food, this is really petty and cheap of him. Who cooks at home? If you cook all meals n do all the cleaning and laundry of your husband n kids then start charging it too or refuse to do it and see what he says.
Ask him to pay you his debt for 20years doing all these services for him.
What about physical intimacy?next time he comes close to you, tell him that you're not interested since he treated you as roommate all these years and have never considered your emotions. As he didn't even allow you to sot on his lazy boy chair, then you cNnot give yourself to him.
There will be fights as he wont accept you being financially independent but you have to be strong and fight this. All the best OP.
Click to expand...

@PurpleRoses , thanks for your reply. I agree its my mistake. I was not smart enough.. I got many good advice here. I'll try them. Thanks

anivijay, Oct 8, 2023

anivijay, Oct 8, 2023

#14
Oct 8, 2023 #15

anivijay Gold IL'ite

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MalStrom said: ↑

I have read your previous posts about your family, OP. It looks like you have had a lot of obligations to them and the relations have not always been smooth. Your husband has cleverly used this as an excuse to wreak financial havoc on you.
Please understand that this is not a normal behavior in a marriage, to harass a spouse for money like this especially after the death of a parent. You are not business partners balancing a ledger. The other ladies have all made excellent points. Please take steps to secure your finances and those of your children.
Click to expand...

@MalStrom , you are right. It took me so many years to understand what's happening in my maternal family.

Thanks

anivijay, Oct 8, 2023

anivijay, Oct 8, 2023

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Oct 8, 2023 #16

DDream Platinum IL'ite

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anivijay said: ↑

@DDream , thank you so much for this. Every word makes sense. I used to think sometimes, I am in abusive relationship, but l keep on finding excuses for him.. This is an eye opener.

I don't think divorce is an option. I don't know what I will do or what he will do if we seperate. But I will take all steps you have mentioned about finance and taking care of me.. thank you so much..
Click to expand...

@anivijay, I didnt ask you to go for D.Its fully upto you to decide whats best for you.
I mentioned the word divorce and 50% of property to let you know that how much you own as he keep on saying its his money. Its a strong legal point you can assert in case, you dont know. Also, seeking professional help of any category, I mentioned, is just to help you and make you confident. Sorry, if it was not clear.
I think arguing or going for fights with him wont help you as he knows how to manipulate you and create self doubt. Try to learn how to be calm and cool when he talk. For you, knowledge will give power, more actions than words. Also, I suggest you to read more on how to manage a narcicist ( if so, expecting love and trying for it is a waste of time), as he exhibit some traits. It will help you to understand what to do or what not do when dealing with him. You need to work on codependency . Also, you need to define a boundary in any relationships. Your sisters also have to find a way to lead their life. They cant expect you to pitchin for every thing except in urgent situations. Dont create over expectations and more trauma. In any toxic relationship, maintaining a healthy distance can help us. Focus on your life. Good luck.

Last edited: Oct 8, 2023

DDream, Oct 8, 2023

DDream, Oct 8, 2023

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Oct 8, 2023 #17

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DDream said: ↑

@anivijay, I didnt ask you to go for D.Its fully upto you to decide whats best for you.
I mentioned the word divorce and 50% of property to let you know that how much you own as he keep on saying its his money. Its a strong legal point you can assert in case, you dont know. Also, seeking professional help of any category, I mentioned, is just to help you and make you confident. Sorry, if it was not clear.
I think arguing or going for fights with him wont help you as he knows how to manipulate you and create self doubt. Try to learn how to be calm and cool when he talk. For you, knowledge will give power, more actions than words. Also, I suggest you to read more on how to manage a narcicist ( if so, expecting love and trying for it is a waste of time), as he exhibit some traits. It will help you to understand what to do or what not do when dealing with him. You need to work on codependency . Also, you need to define a boundary in any relationships. Your sisters also have to find a way to lead their life. They cant expect you to pitchin for every thing except in urgent situations. Dont create over expectations and more trauma. In any toxic relationship, maintaining a healthy distance can help us. Focus on your life. Good luck.
Click to expand...

@DDream , no you didn't suggest D. I have been thinking about this in my mind for quite some time. Next year daughter leaving to college. And son will leave in another 2 years. Its scary how my life would be in an empty nest if he continues this... so I was thinking about various options.. May be that's why I wrote those lines. Not because you mentioned.

I really appreciate your advice and time you have taken for me. No one in my life, given such advice for me. I was always taught to keep others in front of me. So this means a lot to me. Thank you so much.

Last edited: Oct 8, 2023

anivijay, Oct 8, 2023

anivijay, Oct 8, 2023

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Oct 9, 2023 #18

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anivijay said: ↑

@DDream , no you didn't suggest D. I have been thinking about this in my mind for quite some time. Next year daughter leaving to college. And son will leave in another 2 years. Its scary how my life would be in an empty nest if he continues this... so I was thinking about various options.. May be that's why I wrote those lines. Not because you mentioned.

I really appreciate your advice and time you have taken for me. No one in my life, given such advice for me. I was always taught to keep others in front of me. So this means a lot to me. Thank you so much.
Click to expand...

Yeah. Most of the Indian women are conditioned to change who they are for somebody else. Its not easy to be themselves. You have spend so much time of your life for everyone neglecting your priorities. Think like you are single, find what makes you happy, realising your priorities and living your life to your fullest as much you can. If you are happy, then only you can make others happy. Once you gain confidence and learn how to show others their boundary , it will reflect in you, around you and can improve your life/ family/ atmosphere of your home. Best wishes.

I mentioned about this channel, this will give tips on how to handle any kind of abusers and manipulators. We also have to do self introspection to improve our side as well. There can also be issues as nobody is perfect. Learning helps.

Last edited: Oct 9, 2023

DDream, Oct 9, 2023

DDream, Oct 9, 2023

#18

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Oct 9, 2023 #19

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anivijay said: ↑

he started seeing me as his enemy and thats when mistreating me, shouting at me and everything came into picture
Click to expand...

Was this the start of everything?
Prior to this, did you not discuss who pays what? Did you treat both bank accounts as yours?
If things were different for 18 odd years, this sudden about face is seeming to be very strange. Has there never been silent treatments and money fights when you were staying home?

Laks09, Oct 9, 2023

Laks09, Oct 9, 2023

#19
Oct 10, 2023 #20

anivijay Gold IL'ite

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Laks09 said: ↑

Was this the start of everything?
Prior to this, did you not discuss who pays what? Did you treat both bank accounts as yours?
If things were different for 18 odd years, this sudden about face is seeming to be very strange. Has there never been silent treatments and money fights when you were staying home?
Click to expand...

@Laks09 , no. There were issues whenever I stayed at home. But no silent treatments then. And frequency of money issues also very less.

It became aggressive when he stayed out of country and I couldn't go to work. Once he shouted at me in a call when I was in store, and threatened he would stop sending money because a call went from my mobile to his foreign number and costed £3. I couldn't control my tears and he contniued even after i told i was at store. He didn't call me for 2 days and still justifies he was right.

But I thought its because of financial stress and everything would be alright once he is back to home and I get a job. But it never did. It reached its peak point when I lost my mom and I said I didn't want the money I gave for my mom's treatment. I could describe that period with only one word, HELL.

After that incident, still he is transferring money from my account. But I am checking my account and asking for details. That's what he doesn't like , asking for full control like earlier and creating problems now.

There were red flags which I ignored through out these 19 years. I didn't hand over my card to him. He took it and used to keep in his wallet. We were working in same office, same project. So always go to office/lunch together and he pays for everything. I remember, we used to go for lunch in lawn in ITPL, we used to talk something casually.. suddenly he got angry, and threw the card in my face and left the place. There were hundreds of people there. I used to cry silently but never told my mom. I was also pregnant then.. then once we patch up, my card would move to his wallet.

I remember, when i went to mom's house for 2nd delivery, he was at onsite. He used to transfer money to his mom regularly on 1st every month. But not to me. I used to borrow money from my mom for even vaccines and then get from him and return.

After staying in my mom's house for 8 months, I wanted to present 3 or 4 gm (1000 rs per gram) ring for her retirement. I asked him so many times, but he never came with me for shopping nor gave me money. I could only buy her a saree for 700rs with what I had.

These incidents happen once or twice a year.. and we had our share of good moments too. .

But silent treatment is a new thing for last 1 year. He resigned his 23 years job a year ago , where he was managing 30, 40 people. Now he is doing contracting and earns more and he says he likes technical than management. But he hardly sees anybody. Wfh for 5 days. And no friends. I am the only person he could talk other than official calls. I don't know how he survives without talking to me as well.
When I talked to my Bils , they confirmed he had this anger issue and talking harshly from school days. I have seen this type of behaviour in my Father in Law as well. I don't know.. he is turning bitter and bitter and it breaks my heart..

Last edited: Oct 10, 2023

anivijay, Oct 10, 2023

anivijay, Oct 10, 2023

#20

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