Feeling Financially Insecure...

We are arguing a lot about money now a days.

I feel so insecure about finance and need your inputs on how money should be handled when both of us are working.

To give little background

We both working for same company when we got married. After kids, I resigned my job to take care of kids. After kids started schooling, with so much difficulties, I got a job to help him . But my pay was less compared to what he was earning. From day 1 of marriage, I gave all my earning to him. he took care of everything.


I lost my job after 4 years and due to visa issues, I couldnt go to work for 2 years. He had to go to another country while me any kids decided to stay in UK. It was very tough time and that's when he started talking about your money and my money.

I got job again and he was still managing finances

Mom got covid and admitted in hospital. We gave 5L for her treatment. But we couldnot save her. I didnt want that 5L back. But husband arguing If I say no that 5L, only my sisters are going to benefit. He started asking me to get that money, but from whom?

I dont have father/brothers. It was hell. He said, he transferred money from his account and had no obligations to give his money to my mom. I asked him, in that case
please transfer money from my account. He transferred 12L from my account(stating all the money we spent for my family all those years). He was not even ready to wait till we go to India, sort out my mom's bank accounts. I think my problem started here, when he acted like a banker without any compassion.


Then he started talking like, I still need to get that money because its family's money that belonged to our children and I had no right to give to my mom.

We went to India 6 months after my mom passed away and by god's grace there was enough money in her accounts to settle her debt. I felt like I had no one in this world to support me in my difficult times.
My pain is not his pain.



Within an year, my disabled sister lost her husband and came back to family home. After some time, my husband found an alliance and we arranged her marriage again. As an elder daughter, I was in my mother's place and arranged everything. It was a simple wedding and I spent less than 1L. We borrowed 1L from my mom years ago, and I used that money. My husband was very mad, that I was taking care of all expenses. I have another sister, but she is in an abusive marriage and not in a position to share expense with me. He was so mad, he treated me badly, scolding me, shouting at me in front of others and what not.


After marriage, what he did was unbelievable. He came and demanded me and my disabled sister to return all the gifts given by his side of family. By his parents, his aunties, brothers etc. He gave the reason as, he invited them for wedding and he arranged the wedding. So, his relatives money should belong to him. We didnt utter a word. We handed over the bag containing all the envelops with money. He seperated them and it was around 10k in total. he took the money and left.

A man who spent around 10L for flight tickets in business class, who earns 10L per month took 10,000 rs from a disabled sister in law, who is deaf, dumb and visually impaired, who doesnt have parents and who believes that elder sister and bil would take care of her.

I cant control my tears as I am writing, even now. My problem is not his problem. In fact, he would create extra problems to make my life even more difficult. If I face similar issues in future, he would act the same way.


He bought a house and he didnt add my name. Years ago, we bought a plot in India. He wanted to buy in his name. But my uncle suggested to buy in both of our's name. He mentioned few times, how cunningly we added my name in plot bought with his money. So this time I kept quiet. He mentioned 3, 4 times that this is his house and asked me to leave the house , once.


He started giving me silent treatments frequently and not talking to me at least 20 days out of 30 days. I couldnt tolerate, needed a break and asked him to book tickets to India for me. He said ticket price was £900. I said ok. he said I needed to give him £1100. when asked, he explained £200 for domestic flights. I said ok, but asked him to transfer me £2000 extra for expenses in India. I'll repay him in 6 installments. He transferred £1200 from my account to his , on the day of my travel itself stating for tickets. But he is ready to go to india , bring his mom , then again go to india with him mom to drop her , all in business class. He is not going to ask his mom for flight ticket cost.


Now after coming back from India, I am repaying my debt in installments and 3 more months to finish.


He is earning atleast 5 times as me. He has a house. And have good savings in his account and his company's account.


I literraly dont have anything, other than my pension pot( I am paying 1/4th of sal into pension ). As I am not working continuosly and started late, its not much either. He would set some monthly savings and when it reaches a good amount, he would take them for some reason(Buying house, renovation, visa fee).

I am getting XXXX and my standing orders and direct debits come to XXXX+100 including my debt to him.


Loan we got from Kitchen company and IKEA are in my name. He is telling it doesnt count because I am using 80% of wardrobe and I designed that kitchen. So, its for me and not for family.

I am paying for a foreign trip to son . He said, when son wanted to go, I said ok. so I am paying it doesnt count.

I am giving pocket money to both the kids to cover their transport and lunch sometimes. It doesn't count because I am giving only to kids not to him.

I had to pay visa fees to my company in 24 installments , it doesn't count because its taken from source itself.

Some £500 goes for regular savings which always taken by him. he said that also not count.

Paying £300 for a personal loan taken by him. that also doesnt count, because he invested that amount in my name.

what he says is, I am not contributing anything for the family , he is not taking anything from my account. I am living on his money and eating his food(this hurts like hell).


Now he wants full control of my account. I dont need to pay the remaining 3 installments to him. His money and my money would become our money. But I can not give anything to my sister in future, if required. I said no. Later he gave another option.

He would give me £500 every month, but when I go to India , I need to cover my ticket and my expenses from that amount. basically I should cover all my personal expenses from that money.


I said no. Why I have to always start from 0? What happended to my contribution all these years?


He is replying, since I am not giving him any rights to my money, I dont have any rights to his money as well. He even suggested, when we eat out, I should pay for what I am eating.


Please tell me , when one person is earning more and other person less, how their money should be divided? I am feeling financially insecure because of all these incidents.




what should I do?

He is not a bad person, actually a good father , good son to his mom. But he is talking too much. He is aggressive to his family as well, but as I am living with him, I facing it all the time. And he thinks he is perfect. In these 20 years, he never said Sorry once. He talks so harshly and starting silent treatment
for a week or so.. Then somehow we patch up, he just forgets what he said and move on. But its not the case with me. Then in next argument, he says same things again.


When he is in talking terms, he is good and talk nicely to me. But its difficult for me to emotionally connect.




We have these 2 office setups in our home. One rich desk, belongs to him with a lazy boy office chair and fancy fan that emits hot/cold air and a fancy light that brightens his face in team's meeting. And I have this poor desk with a worn out chair. When he bought the lazy boy chair, he told again and again that I should not sit in that chair. And I don't even look into that side. I am not expecting him to buy a good chair for me as well. I can buy myself in next 3/4 months once I settle my debts to him. But it hurts sometimes.

I am not giving 100% of my salary to him/family. But I still give most of my salary. And he still has access to my account. In these 20 years, I never gave not even 1 rs to my family without his knowledge. When he earns a lot more than me, as a wife ( who sacrificed her career for the family ) do I have right in that or not?



Is this normal and I am expecting too much out of this marriage?

Even now I am ready to give my 100 %, but if he can't agree that I could give money to my sister in future if required , what's the point of me earning? what financial independence means to me?


Please advise.

 

Thanks for all your replies.

I dont want to blame him. And want to understand whether my expectations are realistic or not.

Few more details.

I didnt take the decision to leave my job. we both of us working in same project and both got onsite oppurtunity and I preferred to take that option. It was him who said, it would be very difficult to manage with young kids( 2 and 4) and both of us working. He gave me 2 options, 1 to leave any one child in India and both of us take onsite or me resign my job and come here as a family. I chose the 2nd option because I cant leave my child in India.

But then it was our money. We decided to go with option 2, as our family income would be higher than what we were getting in India. He didnt tell , that he would behave like this..


When my mom was admitted in hospital, when she was alive he started asking can you get that money from your mom and I said OK. After she died, he could have kept quiet atleast until we reach India and accessed her bank accounts. When a person lost her mom, didnt even see her face one last time, that mom didnt even have a funeral, the pain and guilt is unimaginable. And as a partner, you worried about your 5L, and asking your wife to get that money back? What if, there was no money left in her bank account? whom should I go and ask then? All these years, when ever my mom gone through a major expense, I would share a small part. Just to convey her, she was not alone. I am with you. I had that satisfaction. Now when I couldnt even spend a rupee for her at the last moment, I claimed everything back, I sent her to crematorium not even in a casket, but in a plastic sheet, my heart feels heavy. I let her down at the last moment. I broke my promise I made on the day I lost my dad, that I would take care of my mom till the end. I failed as a daughter. It would have been possible if I was a son.


Yes he found an alliance for my sister, his friend. But why he behaved like that? That's a long story.

In one of my previous threads, we were talking about my maternal house. My first sister was living there with my mom and her autistic son scribbled over the entire house, on every inch of wall up to height he could reach from a chair. Then mom passed away, 2nd sister came to that home after loosing her husband. After we finalised the marriage, we asked first sister to vacate the house. Her husband was mad and somehow they vacated the house and took all furniture and stove, fridge, washing machine everything.

Before a month, I was thinking about setting the house for 2nd sister, I asked first one to return mom's stove back and take her stove (which got to be repaired) which she left. She told her husband about this, and he literally beated her up with belt, banged her head in the wall and she ended up with bruises all over her face. She is living with an autistic son and a one year old baby and not ready to leave her husband. All elders of the family talked to him and he said very clearly he would be like this.

House needs to be painted and my husband said it should be done by 1st sister as she lived there for 12 years. But she was not in a position to do that. 2nd sister as disabled, could not do that on her own. So even though he was correct, I had to do , against my husband's words. but not with my money. My mom had another house and with that house's rent for last 2 years, I painted the house. Husband clearly said I cant expect any help from him. Then he started seeing me as his enemy and thats when mistreating me, shouting at me and everything came into picture.

Even unknown people showed kindness to me. The painters would ask me , akka did you have breakfast. they would go and get some tea and vada for me, seeing my face. They would get me lunch.. Where as husband eating full meals in his mother's home next street, won't even ask me whether I eat or not. The local autodrivers helped me to buy paint and other materials. they do the heavy lifting. They said, what ever help you need, ask us. we are there to help you. Neighbours would see my face and say, you look so tired , come and have a coffee in our house.. Even my in laws with whom I dont have great relationship, helped me. My mother in law, brother in law and his wife helped me and I am grateful to every one of them. They understood what I was going through, but not my husband.

We dont choose our life. Life is not fair on every body. You cant have a scale in your hand and weigh down everything. you can't go with your head all the time. There are situations in life, you take decision with your heart, with compassion and kindness. There are some duties you need to fulfil in this life. Duties given by god. I feel I am responsible for my sister. Its my duty to make sure that she is having a roof over her head, and she is safe and she is having food in her plate that day , for every day she /I live. I wish my children also to behave this way to one another.

I didn't choose to have a disabled sister. I didnt choose to loose my dad when I was 19. Even if my mom lived for another 10,15 years I don't need to worry about my sister. But it happened in my life, not by my choice.

Luckily, my sister got enough money that would cover her expenses till she lives. Its enough for her basic needs. With her disabilities, she is working in an IT company for 15000 rs. Even after working for 6 years and proved herself, that company is not making her, a gold medalist permanent. And I invested money left by mom in FD's and she is getting interest from it, She is managing her expenses in that amount. Her husband some month's give 2000 rs for groceries. that's it. I am not supporting her financially in her daily life. May be I would buy her a dress for her birthday/xmas. thats it. I am supporting her only emotionally and physically when I go there.

But if she ended up in hospital like my mom, I have to pay. I can take that amount back from her bank account, as I am nominee in all her accounts. But I have to pay initially, for that I need some money. I dont want to go and beg him. For that he is creating these many issues.

Our family is not in financial crisis. As kids are writing board exam this year, we cant go as a family this year. Why did I go to India? From last August, I am facing silent treatments and harsh words from my husband continuosly. As I told, he wont talk to me for 20 days in a month. My sugar levels were not coming down, whatever I did. After strict diet, and walking . Here we get consultations from diabetic nurses, not doctors. I knew it was because of stress. I was having frequent chest pains. I could not go for annual check up last year in India, as advised by family doctor back home. So I went this year. They could not even take stress test for me, for 1 hour as my heart beat was very high.. I was very happy and stress free there. meeting my friends and relatives. My 2nd sister took care of me. It was a nice break which I needed.



Now husband is going to India for a month next week . He has to meet his family. parents and he deserves that break too.

Only difference is he doesnt need to pay any debt to any one.

He has taken thousands of pounds from my account. Even last year he has taken £12000 for our PR application. Last year I gave my entire bonus for house renovation. He transferred everything remaining in account when he bought the house. He doesnt have any problem while taking money from me. But if I have to spend for me, it's a debt and I need to pay back. Is this fair? The reason I dont have money is, he won't let me save anything. He would tell some reason or another and make sure , what ever I get is taken. And telling that I am not contributing anything for family and he is not taking any money from me. Then If I want to spend something for me, I have to borrow money from him and pay him back.



Last month we went to cinema, next day there was argument and he asked for 50% of what he spent and I paid. The next day we went to restaurant as daughter got good marks. I paid £15 for what I eat. Yesterday , he asked whether to book tickets for new movie. I said no. Because in my budget, I can't spend £20 for a movie this month. you know the feeling when you live with rich room mates, but you are not as rich as them.. I feel the same way now.



May be he is right. I wish , I could be in a position where I only care about me , my husband and children. Its not the case. I shouldn't have married in first place. that's my mistake.

In my opinion, marital relations should be like, there is no your money/my money. Its our money and our family. Its you and me against the world. we share our happiness and pains. We face the world together. We are one team , we are not playing against each other. When situation arises to help extended family, both the sides you decide case by case basis, considering the situation and financial status. Consider emotional wellbeing of our partners too..

For example, we invited our mil here 6,7 years ago, She went upto chennai for Visa appointment, but didn't want to come and plan dropped. Husband lost the will to bring her here after that. But I told him, that she is already 70. We dont have much time left. If he misses the chance now, he would feel guilty later. So he is planning to bring her here.. She is going to come next year, and she'll tell everyone I dont feed her proper food, I am not cooking , something bad. But I am ready to go through that for him..

We supported his family for initial 7,8 years of our marriage. We gave money to them from our combined income. We paid for Bil's wedding. Even after they told, he doesnt have any share from inheritance, and everything going to his brothers, still he is giving monthly rent from his house to his parents and I don't oppose. If something happens to his parents, he should tell I'll take care of medical expenses / funeral cost.. If he goes and demand 2/3rd from his brothers, then what's the point of earning this much? I dont understand..


May be I am expecting too much.. That's not possible in real life. May be only in my fantasies..

He talked so much, I don't even considering this house as my house and his money as my money. I'll try to save as much I can , whenever possible.

Thanks for suggestion, I'll work on improving my skill set. Let's see what future holds for me..

Thanks again..