Feeling Depressed..

ashwinid01 · Apr 20, 2019

Hi all..
I am really tired, depressed and exhausted with this silence and indifference I face in my marriage for few months now..

We have been together for over 13 years now.. Have very loving kids.. But for couple of years i feel i am not a wife anymore . I am just a mom. My husband is a great father and good provider, helps in cleaning home etc.. But has been emotionally unavailable for couple of years now. Anything i talk annoys him.. So i have retorted to silence. He doesn't notice it. This marriage has changed me so much. And not in a good way. I have changed myself to fit his liking but now i feel why did do it.. For past few months we haven't spoken anything beyond kids, grocery, that's it.. Every night I cry to sleep.. We both sleep on same bed.. He doesn't notice this . If i talk i feel he says i am being sensitive and pressuring him.. Our sex life is fine.. I don't initiate because i dont feel like . I can't deny because it leads to emotional fights from his side.. I just take part so that he is happy and stay connected to me at least in some way.. Please don't judge me but it haunts me to be lonely . I am just desperately looking for ways that my husband speaks to me and connects emotionally.. To begin with he was totally opposite of what he is now.. Initially I would think going on holidays on trip would help and i would plan.. But he is so grumpy and so bitter throughout the trip that I can't wait to get back home and start going to office.. Now i really dread going on trip.. I love travelling but i love emotional peace more, so i have let go my enthu towards travel.i am not trying to change him or get a new side of him out.. He is not excited about occasion.. I am completely opposite.. And if I celebrate occasions he ll be like why i do it. It totally annoys me. Last festival I was all dressed., even kids.. I ask him to pose for few pics but he says why should we take pics... I totally lost it.. I didn't fight.. But i couldn't control my tears... And he did try to cheer me.. But i think he has been hurting me this way for so long that this time I am not able to let it go.. That day he got emotional too and we had a long discussion, gist being he admitting he is not a head over heels in love kind of guy and i should accept it.. Well i like any other girl want my man to be head over heels in love with me.. That day my heart broke to the extent that I know he can never repair it.. From that day onwards i have never been able to say that I love him.. That day it felt like i mean nothing to him.. From that day i pray to god that my kids get spouses who are more loving than mine... From that day my life never feels normal.. I have now started hating love.. So much so that a young cousin of mine sends me a video of she and her husband dancing, i complement and delete that video immediately as it disgusts me.. I have never been such a person ..
I see older couples so in love and i keep wondering how is it possible ..
I am not an unpleasant person at all.. I am being honest.. People love my company ... My inlaws love me too.. And i love them too.. My husband is not mummy's boy or anything like that..
Very tired of being in an emotionally dead marriage ... Tired of being married yet alone.. Only saving grace are my lovely kids.. And my parents who are unaware of my situation but provide me with so much love n talk to me a lott.

I pray that things get better.. I pray that i dont have to cry to sleep.. I pray that my husband be happy..

ashwinid01 · Apr 20, 2019

Admin if possible I would like to change my username

Anusha2917 · Apr 20, 2019

I can understand your situation.
Before trying to set things right with him my small suggestion would be, create a small circle of friends for yourself. Do u work? Enjoy your time with them. Like go for movies, restaurants , parlour sessions etc. We women underestimate the power of our "girl gang" at times .
When you make time for yourself, run around your activities and your work the emotional dependence on spouse reduces.
I have less experience than you in marriage but I'm telling this because I have seen my elder sister go through this. After a year of trying to talk to my BIL she realised is all he does is earn . She made a gang of her own. Shopping, going for lunch with them , inviting them home for lunches, pool lunches etc. She's happy and so is my BIL because she stopped bothering him .
Try this and it may help you not to depend on him emotionally and sorry I couldn't give exact advice for your situation. But this sort of change may help you feel better.

Amulet · Apr 20, 2019

Anusha2917 said: ↑

....
Before trying to set things right with him my small suggestion would be, create a small circle of friends for yourself. Do u work? Enjoy your time with them. Like go for movies, restaurants , parlour sessions etc. We women underestimate the power of our "girl gang" at times .
When you make time for yourself, run around your activities and your work the emotional dependence on spouse reduces.......
Try this and it may help you not to depend on him emotionally ....this sort of change may help you feel better.
Click to expand...

This advice is good. It points out that we have the responsibility to make ourselves happy. It is not a job we can foist on a husband. He has to volunteer for it; and quite often he is already overloaded with projects such as being..

Good Father,

Good Provider,

Great help with the household work,

(And in this OP's case, which is not the norm) A sex toy as well.

There have been many posts of the ilk of this OP where there'd be additional challenges, like nasty live-in In-Laws who demand services, sickness, and alcoholism/abuse, adultery etc..

ashwinid01 said: ↑

I see older couples so in love and i keep wondering how is it possible .......
Click to expand...

.....
An older person can surely read your essay, this comment, and chuckle.
The happiest older couples had already figured out that their happiness is completely in their own control. Perhaps they had faked it early in their marriages, because that is what the society demanded, and eventually it had become second nature.

How-to for Festival/occasion photos:

ashwinid01 · Apr 23, 2019

Anusha2917 said: ↑

I can understand your situation.
Before trying to set things right with him my small suggestion would be, create a small circle of friends for yourself. Do u work? Enjoy your time with them. Like go for movies, restaurants , parlour sessions etc. We women underestimate the power of our "girl gang" at times .
When you make time for yourself, run around your activities and your work the emotional dependence on spouse reduces.
I have less experience than you in marriage but I'm telling this because I have seen my elder sister go through this. After a year of trying to talk to my BIL she realised is all he does is earn . She made a gang of her own. Shopping, going for lunch with them , inviting them home for lunches, pool lunches etc. She's happy and so is my BIL because she stopped bothering him .
Try this and it may help you not to depend on him emotionally and sorry I couldn't give exact advice for your situation. But this sort of change may help you feel better.
Click to expand...

HI Anusha,

Thank you for your reply. I truly miss an active girfriend group.. I have friends but all of them have kids and are working.. Even i am working.. So weekend everyone wants to spend time with family.. Even if they visit it is like visit with family.. weekdays no one takes a break from routine.. I have tried a lot but it is always family friend and family outing and visiting.. At my work there are only 2 girls non desi and single and bit reserved in terms of hanging out over weekend or after office times.. so that is ruled out too.

ashwinid01 · Apr 23, 2019

Amulet said: ↑

This advice is good. It points out that we have the responsibility to make ourselves happy. It is not a job we can foist on a husband. He has to volunteer for it; and quite often he is already overloaded with projects such as being..

Good Father,

Good Provider,

Great help with the household work,

(And in this OP's case, which is not the norm) A sex toy as well.

There have been many posts of the ilk of this OP where there'd be additional challenges, like nasty live-in In-Laws who demand services, sickness, and alcoholism/abuse, adultery etc..
.....
An older person can surely read your essay, this comment, and chuckle.
The happiest older couples had already figured out that their happiness is completely in their own control. Perhaps they had faked it early in their marriages, because that is what the society demanded, and eventually it had become second nature.

How-to for Festival/occasion photos:

Click to expand...

Your post brings a smile on my face.. Yes my problems are not so big but sometimes they really bother me a lot. I have off days,. And these quite very often.

Anusha2917 · Apr 23, 2019

ashwinid01 said: ↑

i should accept it
Click to expand...

Here is the reply. Accept it .
Not any easier to follow. But what are you gaining by feeling bad/crying about it?
I am assuming your husband is in early 40s or late 30s. "Middle age woes" - can you call it? Men are worried about their growing kids or aging parents and most of all financial worries. How they can save for their future ? So many worries right?
That's his worry. You can't do much about it. I don't think it's on you to feel heavy and ruin your peace.

ashwinid01 said: ↑

Well i like any other girl want my man to be head over heels in love with me..
Click to expand...

As time passes priorities change..
Did anything trigger him to drift away from you? Like a fight or argument or something?
Some suggestions :
Both of you try some activities together. Other than grocery shopping. Go and workout together in the gym, go for swimming trekking cycling or some sort of outdoor activity . Ask him what he prefers then you adjust your liking accordingly. Or some photography together . Pick some common activity and do that. It's not the exact solution but some kind of emotional connection happens and when there's a change in routine you'll feel better.
In any case choose peace over anything else. Don't get emotional . you'll be fine.

SinghManisha · Apr 24, 2019

You are not alone . Many women have spouses that are emotionally/ financially/ physically unavailable .
Your husband’s declaration of not being the head over heels kind of guy tells me that he may not be inclined to make any changes in his behavior. So if divorce is not a choice learn to rely less on him emotionally. Travel alone and leave the kids with him.

ramya8085 · May 3, 2019

ashwinid01 said: ↑

HI Anusha,

Thank you for your reply. I truly miss an active girfriend group.. I have friends but all of them have kids and are working.. Even i am working.. So weekend everyone wants to spend time with family.. Even if they visit it is like visit with family.. weekdays no one takes a break from routine.. I have tried a lot but it is always family friend and family outing and visiting.. At my work there are only 2 girls non desi and single and bit reserved in terms of hanging out over weekend or after office times.. so that is ruled out too.
Click to expand...

not sure if you are in usa .if you are, But i can suggest, Art of living. they have courses , weekly satsangs. intention is not about getting into a spiritual side, it is more about socializing with like minded positive folks , who equally crave good social interaction.

ashwinid01 · May 6, 2019

Anusha2917 said: ↑

Here is the reply. Accept it .
Not any easier to follow. But what are you gaining by feeling bad/crying about it?
I am assuming your husband is in early 40s or late 30s. "Middle age woes" - can you call it? Men are worried about their growing kids or aging parents and most of all financial worries. How they can save for their future ? So many worries right?
That's his worry. You can't do much about it. I don't think it's on you to feel heavy and ruin your peace.

As time passes priorities change..
Did anything trigger him to drift away from you? Like a fight or argument or something?
Some suggestions :
Both of you try some activities together. Other than grocery shopping. Go and workout together in the gym, go for swimming trekking cycling or some sort of outdoor activity . Ask him what he prefers then you adjust your liking accordingly. Or some photography together . Pick some common activity and do that. It's not the exact solution but some kind of emotional connection happens and when there's a change in routine you'll feel better.
In any case choose peace over anything else. Don't get emotional . you'll be fine.
Click to expand...

He is in his mid Thirties. Financially we are fine,not filthy rich or anything but content..Infact Husband is more content than me. Growing kids--> I think we both are more on happy side than on being worried side.. But yes i cant be sure if secretly he worries. Aging parents : a bit not too much. Actually i worry more than he does for both sets of parents. He may have worries, i dont deny. But in between he should realise what impact it has on me. It really saddens me that i get treated badly because he is not in a good mood.. This whole week he wore a grumpy face. He yelled at kids too.. I dint say a word. Sometimes i am confused whether to answer back or maintain silence. Either ways i am at loss. If i answer back then it leads to tu-tu mai-mai and if i am quite he takes for granted..

No there's no such trigger which drifted us away.. It has been more and more from the times kids came into our lives. I am ready to adapt to anything to have smiles and laughter filled home and heart, but he doesnt have any interest. He loves being on mobile, watching sports. Has literally no hobbies especially after kids.