My relatives are moving to a different country.I should be feeling happy right?After all this is what I wished for! They have given me fair share of trauma over the years.. then why am I feeling sad to see them leave? I have always vented how much I hate them but when they are about to leave..I started to remember all the good times with them,all the nice things whatever they did.. Why couldn't I remember all this when they were near me?Why is this mind tricking like this? I hate myself today.I stopped talking to my realtives for the past few months and I had become a very dark, angry person.I did not like the new me but that was the only was I am able to show my resentment. I go into the dangerous "silent treatment" mode.It is one of the worst kind of punishment one can ever give but someone like me who cannot voice out her opinions can only do this. I used to be very funny,smile a lot and super friendly with them and went on a compete silent mode and came to know through my mom that my relatives are deeply disturbed by my activities.They tried to reason with me but I completely stopped all contact. Was I happy?no BUT I loved my new found freedom. Did I like the new me?no BUT I felt relived that I was no longer a target. There have been days when I longed to go back to that smiling,bubbly,positive and happy woman but I was being a different person that I could no longer recognize me. I missed the old me.The one who forgave easily but smiled through the pain. At least I was not hurting others. To protect myself, am being a fake version of myself.. All felt okay but my relatives want to bid a final goodbye coz they are leaving the country and god knows when we will meet again.. I hate myself today.. I hate being such a horrible person. I wish I was stronger and made the choice to speak up which I actually did and backfired totally.. I swear I did not have any other choice than to change myself..to a version which I hate. I want all the happiness for my relatives and want them to have a peaceful and wonderful life.They might feel they have lost me but in reality..I lost them..My ego stops me from apologizing to them for my silent treatment and hurting them but I want all the best things in life for them.. Had to vent this..felt off today..