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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kavya007, Mar 23, 2010.

  1. rajalakshmigopal

    rajalakshmigopal Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Malyatha,

    Welcome Back!!!You know what,I have been visiting your profile every other day to see If you have visited IL.Thanks for the revisit!

    I will be all ears to read/listen your responses here!!!
     
  2. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    To start with a keen slate, esp when there has been so many issues in life, is not easy, every broken relationship creates a burden and though we think it is resolved over time, it can take a ugly turn and come back to haunt, nightmares, PTSD, they never go, it takes courage, determination, and strong will along with support, meditation, yoga, exercise, helping needy is a good course too.

    To forget and forgive is big task , and we cannot also be completely ignorant and problems will come in future in small way or big , and then if we have not healed or forgotten , we will again dwell on past based on new small issues, those small issues will then take enormous proportion due to the unforgotten past. The difference with strangers who misbehave of even relatives is that, we can ignore them, not talk and meet them, and slowly heal, but when it comes to spouse, what is the recourse, how would one keep living with a abusive partner and still keep forgetting, its a chicken and egg story , or a catch 22 situation, that is why at times seperation is the only remedy , temporary or permanent, because how else is one going to leave the spouse as the relation itself is unique compared to all other relations, parents bring up kids, kids move out, relatives visit, they go, friends are made, they are broken, a relation with spouse is having underlying agreement to live life together, that relation cannot be compared with others in parallel. one cannot say when one does not divorce his parents, why does one divorce spouse, the relation is based on law, the relationship is unique, so it has unique way of getting out too.

    So with every new event, we have to make sure the past is at least kept out as much possible, I am very sure, a spouse who has abusive marriage, and if the abuse was daily, and say it comes down from daily to monthly to quaterly, there will be relief, but with every new phase of problem, the past will be dragged, that is the reason why people bring past in every new problem , because one does not feel the end is near, it is never ending problem , for a marriage to work both have to understand, its a joint venture, a join effort, if one is loose, if one is reckless, it will stall, there is no other way...
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2010
  3. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Kavya,
    sorry about your condition. I would like to suggest something, please try to take him to a psychiatrist and get him tested. This is highly impossible mostly but do try.
    I am married for 23 years now. My husband was somewhat short tempered but in the last 5 years, his behaviour has worsened. Now he is fighting for no reason at all and I went to a dr. and tried to find out what it was all about. Well, to my horrow, I found out that he might be having Personality Disorder. The dr says his condition is from birth and it shows its ugly face from adolescents. And even if the person co operates, the result may be only 30 to 40%. He promises to behave well but again for no reason treats me badly. I thought that he might change over time but it is getting worse.
    I would tell you one thing, if you can be independent financially, think about moving away from him. The hurt and pain is something you will have to endure and noone will be there to share it, no one can. So be strong and take a decision after thinking over well. Feeling dejected and hearing abuse all the time is not what one wants in life. Your son might also pick up such things from your husband. It is better to live peacefully alone than having unpleasant relations around you. Be strong to face life for the sake of your son. It is too late for me, I am nearing 47. So I am trying my best to make him behave. But it is hard, that I can tell you.
     
  4. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Varloo, The issue here is of Past and not present, Kavya's past is bothering her and anxiety of future, currently she is not facing any issue, there is no abuse, her husband has changed drastically, he is good from heart, he had a condition in past(Hyper thryoid), he got treated, he is conscious about his past and has worked to improve, there has been no issues from 2 years or so. It is the past events that caused the dent, and Kavya is finding hard to move on. So your case is different, may be you dont know the entire picture.

    In your case it is very tough as you are enduring it every now and then, being married 23 years is a big time. The doctor may be right if he is diagonised your husband with personality disorder, it is not something that medicines can cure. It is by and large the person itself, who is going to change 100%?

     
  5. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you for the warm welcome, my dear Rajalakshmi! Nice to know that I was actually missed! :):):)
     
  6. sowmyar

    sowmyar New IL'ite

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    Varloo, Tridev had nailed the problem out. The issue currently is NOT about husband, but Kavya's inability to make peace with the past. However in your case Varloo I am just unable to understand how you have sought help after 23 years of suffering (which you say was moderate before!). Please consider walking out of such a marriage - I know this is easier said than done BUT equally don't you think you have tried enough to make a relationship work that never was much of anything even before.


    Back to Kavya, I noticed another thread you started recently, so I guess we can say that your focus is now no more on dwelling in past unpleasantness. Fact is we all do that sometimes Kavya, so guess it's just a matter of time before the past memories stop affecting us as much as it did initially. Anyways, good luck to you girl!
     
  7. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Folks,

    Thanks so much for pitching in. I wrote that thread when I was feeling a stressed on the home and work front. Like Beeamma mentioned we do tend to rewind.

    @Tridev and @sowmya,

    Though the incidents happend in the past, they were spread over a period of 2 years. So it is not been really easy to get over it. My health suffered a lot because of it. Sometimes after going through so much you just lose the emotional connection with your spouse. Sowmya though you may disagree I think the document was a very good idea. It is my protection in the event of a divorce. After repeating the same incidents for two years, I lost it and finally today my husband if you are truly sorry then admit to what you have done in front of a notary. A few woman call 911 and get the cops involved. I did not go to that extent. Probably it has been the biggest deterrent for my husband not to repeat the past. This is really not my style of dealing with people or problems. But sometimes both with my husband and my in-laws I noticed that the buckle down only if I go all out in the offensive.

    7 months after my delivery after all the **** I had been through because of my husband my MIL told my husband in front of my 7 month old son "Divorce her and come off and I will marry you again". That statement sparked off a huge tiff between me and my MIL. To add insult to injury my MIL only told her side of the story to my FIL, who promptly called my dad and had a laundry list of complaints about my "bad behavior". My in-laws were blissfully unaware of how serious my husband's condition and they needed a rude wake-up call to see the dangerous reality. Unfortunately at that time I also slipped into postpartum depression due to all the stress and I could not handle the situation more effectively.

    I have also come to accept and understand my limitations. I cannot accept just anything in the name of the thyroid condition. My husband so far has done the bare minimum to address his issue. For a long time he was in denial on how it was affecting his behavior. I have interacted with other people who have the same condition and they all say that the condition makes them extremely irritatable and emotional. During the 9 months when my husband's dosage was increase I really do not know how he had no awareness of what was going on. For eg: when I was slipping into postpartum depression I knew something was not going on right. This stumps me. How can somebody have such a lot self awareness. Is it the personality or the disease. It was during that period he tried to put me through a car accident. A month earlier before this incident, he tried to punch his brother in the face because he forgot to put a plate in the dish washer. I had to intervene and stop a punching fight between the brothers.

    At this point in my life I felt bad that my dad and brother were not supportive. My dad felt my postpartum depression was my "mental weakness". Coming from a family of over achievers I always had to be extremely competent to be seen worthy in the eyes of my father. But I can't keep running a marathon in my life. My dad's eldest sister completed her MBBS in the 1930s and was the first female doctor in our conservative community. All my aunts who are now in their late 70s and 80s were college graduates and their children were professionally well accomplished. So there was immense pressure on me and my brother to succeed in life. On one occasion when my dad's company was on the verge of collapse I was truly amazed by his composure. Both his bosses were caught in fraudulent transactions and were indicted by the cops. They even spent time in jail. But my dad was as cool as a cucumber and he resurrected the company and went on to become the CEO. It is not easy for everyone to be like that nor is it right to expect them to be so.

    Anyway for now I am just focusing on my career and my non-profit work. My husband's condition is not yet completely cured. He has decided to take more ownership and go beyond doing the minimum. My in-laws and parents are at bay. For now we are trying alternative therapy. So far so good.

    @Varloo,

    I feel sorry for your plight maam. I personally know how it is to be on the receiving side all the time. I think you should also take care of yourself at this time.

    Kavya.
     
  8. sihi

    sihi Senior IL'ite

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    Hey Kavya,

    I hope by now you are out of the flashback phase. I read your post today and since I am also in the same boat, all I can say is that, I totally understand you dear. Hugs to you...

    You know, re-iterating and re-running the bad moments that happened in our past will hurt us more than the actual event itself....its more like a virus coming back. As soon as it comes back, please try to do all possible things to cheer yourself up and minimize the damage it does to you. I also know that its easy to say and hard to follow....

    Take care and hugs,
    Sihi
     
  9. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Good to see you again Sihi. Sorry to know that you are sailing in the same boat. Hope things are okay on your side. Awareness of our thoughts and sensations alone can help us in catching ourselves going into such a mood.

    Kavya.
     
  10. sabarimathi

    sabarimathi Gold IL'ite

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    hi kavya,

    hyperthyroidism - its impact on the family is hell. i can truly associate with y'r story. It is hell for the partner. My dh had it , has it and 'll have it - coording to the doctor, the gland has to be surgically removed and he has to take thyroid tablets for lifelong. I too went thru' bouts of post-partum depression . Never understood why my Dh was behaving so with me and our kid, although taking care of both of us duly.

    After he was diagnosed with this hyperthyroidism , it was almost a return from death. His condition was v. bad. His heart rate was so high that the doctor's were wondering how he could keep up with such a busy schedule, sometimes even missing his sleep for 2-3 days continuously and sincerely working for his office.

    It is not easy to forget. But, i must admit that he was a v. good father. If i forgive him on hyper-thy[hp] front, he took good care of me even while he was suffering. Once i understood his problem, i was totally sympathetic with him. I let go all my career interests . I was hellbent upon my job or a Ph. D., My son who was by than 2.5 years fas repeatedly falling sick. Added to that , he till date suffers from wheezing . This was the first year, he's fine without wheezing. Thx to the USA environment.

    So, what i would say is assess the situation rightly. See, if u acan handle or else plan for a trip away from him for atleast 2 weeks. Staying away from him would bring in the nice memories in y'r life. Y'r son will be y'r best healer. He is the strong point. Use him,. Think only of y'r son whenever some disturbing thought nags u, haunt it with the sword of y'r son's smiles. And of course, if u trust in God,..........
     

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