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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kavya007, Mar 23, 2010.

  1. sangeeta2010

    sangeeta2010 New IL'ite

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    Kavya, Read books about great people and see you can find solace in that.
    Like the one you started the thread on Sri Sri.

    Good luck and pray God to grant you strength!
     
  2. BeeAmma

    BeeAmma Silver IL'ite

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    Whew, thats a lot of stress Kavya.

    Having a bad day? Bad Week? Overwhelmed?

    When we get overwhelmed we tend to rewind and replay everything. I think working, tending to a child, managing a house away from home and family with little support system can really tax and stress.

    How much of your current state is a result of work, household chores and kid as opposed to your husband?

    Some things for short term relief:
    1. Watch and read positive things
    2. Take a vacation to break out of the routine (sight-seeing)

    Good luck.
     
  3. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    The part I don't understand is how the car incident is not a big deal. Fortunately it did not become an accident. My parents and brother tell me to let go of that incident. Initially I did not make a big deal of it. There were some of the warning signals I missed about my husband. My depression started only 3 months after my delivery. Trying to slam into another car at 60mph is no joke. I was 8 months pregnant and I was going through a high risk pregnancy. At every visit the doctor would warn me and my husband that I should rush to the hospital at the first incident of bleeding or contractions. I had central placenta previa and my placenta was completely covering my cervix. As soon as I was diagnosed the first warning the doctor gave was if I start bleeding I will be dead in 2 hours flat. My husband was present at all my doctor visits. So I don't get it how somebody who is usually very calm and cautious can suddenly do something so crazy. Its so not like him.

    Should I place this marriage above the safety of my life and limb? If god forbid something happens to me, there would nobody be to take care of me. It would be irrevocable damage. So I just could not get how my parents and brother told me to let it go. I was frankly shocked. In fact they did not even ask my husband about it whereas his dad had tons of complains about me after the fight I had with my MIL. Finally once my husband signed the document I sent it to both our parents, so to have proof that if something does happen to me it needs to be investigated. Ladies do you think I am over reacting or being wise? How would you react in such a situation? My husband was jeopardizing his life, mine and the life's of others on the road also. I talked about this to his endocrinologist and she did not report it to DMV nor talk to him about. :idontgetit: I have started wondering if my husband as a split personality or am I going crazy.


    Right now my husband is extremely apologetic and trying to win my love all the time. But I might have frozen somewhere inside. I don't know how to thaw out that part. I have the upper hand in the relationship. But that is not the way I want to live this relationship. Marriage should be built on trust, love, care and respect, and not legal documents. I don't like to dominate my husband. More than anything else I want friendship. My SIL suggested that since I have come this far I should separate from my husband for sometime and have no contact with him. Last time I left him and went to my brothers place, my husband sobbed hard in the airport. I feel sorry for him sometimes because I see that he is overwhelmed. But what part is the disease and what part is the personality? Please share your input.

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2010
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Kaavya

    One thing I can tell for sure is...it is in your own hands on how you want to deal with this past. I wont preach about forgive/ forget because I can never forget my hurtful past however the moment we realise and accept things as they were, people as they were and have no expectations and want to move on in our life, it surely helps. Sorry to say again I dont beleive in yoga/meditation / kriya or what so ever. My FIL is the main reason for it . These can help only if the person has actually made peace with their own self being. If we run to do something when there is no clarity with in our own selves and when we still are stuck to the past, no yoga would help us. And when the scars are deep it takes more time. All the incidents happened just 3 or 4 yrs ago and you want to let them go and worried why you are not able to forget and forgive. Instead why dont you stand up and say NO I CANT forgive you guys for the way you behaved and treated me, let time take its course. YES say it out loudly to your own self and to your husband and take your time and heal. Healing cannot be forced or pushed or persuaded. It has to happen in its own course of duration.

    In your case your husband who was so egoistic still came back to his normal self and is trying to cooperate with you to get things back to normal.it is indeed a good turn out for you. However if you still have questions unanswered and if you still are feeling hurt, best possible person to talk to is your husband. YES tell him how you were hurt, how much you had waited for him to be his normal self, how he is a good father and how you want him to be a good husband too. (by the way I dont agree that thyroid would make people behave that way , I am not a doctor, however I wont agree to this explanation because I have my own relatives who had thyroid most of the time the fluctuations were in the way they looked...but not in the way they behaved even during the medication time)

    Coming to your brother, I guess he was right when he said he doesnt want to interfere in your life. Because am sure such things are supposed to be decided by you and your own self on what is your next step or direction. What if your brother suggests something and it may/may not work out and tomorrow again the whole blame is on him??? is that all worth? now atleast you know all this is your decision and even your brother is safe that he didnt budge in at that time. (I agree emotional support would help alot was he not available emotionally? sometimes may be he is also scared and confused on how to handle such things as finally they dont want to break a marriage..at the same time they cant tell their sister to go back to an abuser. and to top it he has a wife, he would have his own fears on how his wife would react if he had supported you)

    Your father would have not understood your pain as our parents have never heard about this post partum depression or the terms like stress, abuse etc...we have to give benefit of doubt there. As per our fathers every woman gives birth and why some woman make a big deal out of it...so it is his ignorance. Its not that he doesnt want to support you. My father still tells me to forget and forgive and move on with my inlaws and how they acted and behaved all the while, still my father tells me to take care of my inlaws during old age and treat them like my own parents....can I do that? NO never..all I would do is listen and do what I can thats all. We are the ones who are in the situation and we have to take decision as per what suits us. Doesnt matter who thinks what or says what.

    Again my hugs to you..and yes please keep talking about your pain and slowly you would just start releasing all that negative energy out of your body (better than any yoga could help) It woudl also help if you could go and see a therapist atleast for couple of months or have one session in a month that way you can just go to the therapist and drop off all the negativity with the therapist and slowly you would start thinking and questioning and wanting to why are you still stuck to the past..please do not try to run away from the past or hurt it would come back more stronger and more powerful. Deal with it dont hide from it..good luck and wish you happy ugadi and ram navami
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2010
  5. Mihisha

    Mihisha Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Kavya
    Parts of your story matches mine so I can understand your pain, anger and frustration. I am not very clear about the abuse part by your usually loving husband.. Since you come from toubled childhood, you naturally look for love and affection frm DH and I guess initial years were smooth….I am sorry but I cudnt understand how your hubby very suddenly changed his behavior when you were pregnant… I have heard a long lack of sex during pregnancy makes men cranky.. could it be that?
    What degree of abuse are you talking about? Is it physical? If it is only emotional, then you can mend the ways.. by giving him his space and you trying out new avenues for fun for urself, like visiting friends/ having all-girls-movie nights etc.. Do you have friends with whom you can laugh, share ur ups and downs and have fun? I have also heard that a baby is a great stress-buster, u have a toy to play with :) ....
    When you said, u r working with a bad boss, same is my situation here, rather mine is worse coz my colleagues are devilish minded insecure nuts who don’t miss an opportunity to screw up my experiments/work, I don’t have much friends right now due to my hectic schedule and long commuting, and in a way, me and DH too have tiffs once in a while due to all this negativity etc……
    Some of the things are not clear , like specifics of how ur MIL and u got into fights etc but I guess ur main concern right now is that u r feeling lost....
    My advice would be to leave him alone if he is cranky .. he wud come back to you but if he is shouting/physically hurting u ( which I presume might be the case as you resorted to something legal), then I would strongly urge you to first take bold steps in handling urself emotionally and don’t give in to self-pity (which is extremely destructive)…..second, separate urself from him physically taking another apartment (DON’T look for support from ur family members, they might not help u in this which cud crush u further), and keep urself busy….. I hope if something good has to happen it wud be that ur DH gets time for soul-searching and come back to you….
    Keep us posted,
    Take care
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2010
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Kavya, holding on to the car accident which was not fatal for any of you.. is not worth remembering.. ok you had HRP and placenta position and COULD have been dead.... BUT you're not.... if you were under pressure.. so was your DH... and if you dont belong to a DH who drives a car without bumper or doors & huge dents and this was an incident once in blue moon then you HAVE to get over with it.... no point brooding over past when the beans were still not spilt.

    Why do we fear about death which is INEVITABLE :bonk? We plan for everything but not death.. Why? Get over with this fear.. half of your problems will get resolved.

    Tell me one person with whom you're happy :)? I feel you're discontended with every relation of yours... you need to find peace within to be peaceful with other relations.. I dont remember about exact abuses that your DH has put your through, I can read you as a very very very emotional person who's bound to feel setback in all relations if you're not ready to change and harden yourself.. pls either detach yourself or accept things.

    You're lossing your sanity due to this fear :coffee:
    If god forbid something happens to me, there would nobody be to take care of me. It would be irrevocable damage.
    If something happens to you to the extent that you cant take care of yourself then you'll also not be aware of it.. and dont let this phobia affect your psyche.. whatever has to happen will happen & then there will be ways to deal with it. Stay focused on today and feel happy that you lived one more day on this earth without basic efforts.
     
  7. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Kaavya,

    My hugs to you girl... Like others, I would also advice you to try your best to forget and forgive your bitter past events and move on in your life. Don't tell me it is not possible... According to me it is possible if you still love your husband.
    Again, if there is no love nor passion, then I agree it is not possible.

    Hope you would have taken your time to read my previous threads on my personal marital issues.

    There were so many instances that made me go crazy with my husband when I was working in Darfur/Sudan.
    - He was so insensitive towards my emotions. Refused to call me or respond to my calls when I really needed him.
    - You know, Darfur is one of the most dangerous place in the world, where so many rebel groups fight with the Govt, and hence they abduct, kill, rob the UN staff who serve there as peace keepers. It was risk, and my DH was aware about the security situation and my stress level. But still he had no empathy or compassion of my struggle. He only asked me to take up this post, and I went there right after our wedding, but he failed to value my sacrifises/helps or earning for our family
    - He widhrawed all my savings from the joint acc, and put them in his private acc without even informing me
    - He started investing my money into his business and bought land as per his parents likes and dislikes, but I was only considered as a money making machine.
    - He even failed to understand my insecurity feelings towards him, so called my brother once and told him that I am behaving like a mental patient.
    - My family was shattered after hearing such a word from my DH, as they knew how much suffering I was going through in Darfur in terms of food, health, security etc... but he had no respect for my sufferings.
    - There were so much emotional black mails, mind games, etc..etc... which made my 1 year married life like hel

    I knew very well that this was not my DH's nature... He is not a born abuser, nor an insensitive person. Moreover he loved me so much before marriage, and this 1 year long distanced relationship could not be the only reason behind his insensitiveness. So, I started investigating the reasons behind his change of behaviour/abuses.

    My friends and family members advised me to take a brave step and put a fullstop to all these nonsence, as I don't deserve this all. They even told me that I am wasting my time and energy on making my DH love me once again, after going through all these emotional drama.

    But it was not difficult for me to forgive him and forget his acts to start a fresh life once again. Reason being, my investigation. Yes... I came to know the hidden agenda of my FIL, that he used my DH's emotional vulnerability and respect towards his parents and intefered in almost everything in our marital life. My DH was like a puppet, who nodded his head for whatever his dad demanded.

    So, I have stopped following my DH, and took a step forward to protect my own life from my nasty FIL.

    Now I am in India, quitted my job, started a home for us, I am very happy and even I am on TTC now. Had i been stuck to my disapointments and angry, I would have been living in the same emotional turmoil until now. If you really love someone, you can easily forgive and forget his mistake easily. That's the best way to deal with marital issues.
    What is the point of killing ourself and making your loved one also suffer due to our sadness.

    At the same time, I can not forgive my FIL. My DH was equally wrong as my FIL, but I simply cannot forgive and accept my FIL as I don't love him/never loved him... So, I will always remember his interferences and bad talks throughout my life.

    So comming to your problem:

    I don't think that your husband wanted to kill you or give you hard time by doing this. If that was his intention, then ofcourse, you shouldn't forgive him.
    But in reality, people can be difficult sometimes. With his thyroid problems and other tensions (may be office troubles) it is understandable that he did commit a great mistake. It was indeed very bad, but how long are you going to suffer with this bitter feelings?
    You should either make up your mind to separate him for his mistakes or convince your mind to forgive him this time, and not to let him play with your life/feelings once again.

    My cousin sister was also diognised as a placenta case when she was carrying her 3rd baby. She had a very tough time managing her workoholic husband with 2 todlers. Though there were so much warning from the Gynec, I am sure my sister wasn't pampered like a princess during that time. There were lots of ups and downs coupled with her hormonal imbalance. She delivered the baby when it was only 7 months. During delivery, the doctors removed her womb too, as it was bleeding like a running tap water.
    But now she is happily settled in her marriage with her 3 wonderful babies... How long can someone feel bad/hurt for whatever happened sometimes back?

    Think about me... I was in Darfur, and two of my colleagues were kidnapped by the rebel groups in 2009. Still no news about them. 62 UN peace keepers (like me) were killed in the same years in that place. This was in the media too.
    No need to tell, how I was feeling stressed and needing emotional support from my loved ones. But unfortunately my DH wasn't there for me. He even forced me to continue there just because of his father. He was so wrong by then. IF God forbid, something happens to me, there wouldn't be no one to help me. But how long I can stick with this feeling and waste my life?

    My DH was completely wrong.. There was no doubt, but he too a human being with his flaws. I though if not for his love, at least for my mental peace I should learn to forgive and forget my DH. It is really working good.

    This is too much. According to me you are over reacting. A marriage should be build on trust, love and affection. Signing documents and having profs or letting outsiders to involve in our personal matters wouldn't help.

    You may succeed to control your hubby by signing a document, but you can not win his love by such an act. Hence his insensitiveness would go on and on forever.

    It is indeed a wise idea if you were handling someone in you work place... But these type of action will never bring any good in a relationship.
     
  8. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,
    After reading all the posts I feel that you are feeling betrayed by your father and brother who did not morally support you in your time of distress Their distancing themseves and leaving you to your devices is also at the root cause of your insecurity.
    Your DH is behaving nicely, you have a cute kid , a good job, why not move ahead and take each day as it comes ?
    If your kinfolk do not want to get involved so be it. You are good on your own.
    Stop monitoring your DHs thyroid levels , dont get obsessed by it. I have a high B P problem but nobody justifies my behaviour (good or bad )by it !
    And neither do I.
    Stop reliving the accident everyday. Your day must be full with a small child to take care , household chores and your job. Learn to relax .Dont live in the past.
    Develop good friendships and enjoy life , count your blessings not your woes.
     
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Kavya,

    I am not a person who can explain things very well. But I will try in my limits. I have similar pregnancy with my second child. Exactly similar. During that time my husband was in high tension rather than me. If I was in high tension then I believe I wouldn't have made it.
    Really I don't know the whole picture of the car incident. What is your husband explanation for it? What does he think of it?
    As ShilpMa explain, the death is not in our hands. It could be mistake of our loved ones or it could be a mistake from an unknown person and we can be in a disaster in a minute.
    One day my husband and myself planned to go for a tour and we rented out a car and coming out from the airport. There was a big SUV in front of car and we didn't see some trash on the road and the SUV just changed the line and just front of us the big trash and my husband try to change the line and the car (don't remember the brand) but took a 360degree on high way and during that time even one car passed us too and somehow other cars could stop. Otherwise we would have gone that day.
    So we really don't know who will can what cause the deaths.
    Yes no one provides the comfort after the marriage and we are responsible for our self.
    Since your husband getting better only my advice heal yourself and build a better foundation without doing more damage. No one is perfect.
    You won't find peace anywhere because you have a kid now.Unless your husband is a big time abuser ,even if you leave him you feel happy.
    Since he is not big time abuser,even you go away from him you always try to give justification for your acts.My beleif the document will not help you anyway ,only it will help if you want to seperate from him.
    So give him a chance and build a positive relation in your house.It's easy to go away and destroy the relations but it's hard to make a relation.
    Once your kid get older you both can participate in lot of events and get better.I think even men get more mature with the age.I see lot of changes in my husband for good.So I hope same thing happen with your husband too.
    You know when swine flu was in high,can you imagine how many pregnency women was effected.I beleive lot of things is not in our hands.Only we can pray for best but we can't control people and circumstances.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2010
  10. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Srividya, I liked your reply...
     

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