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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kavya007, Mar 23, 2010.

  1. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Kavya,

    I was not aware of swining between hypo to hyper.I have a hypo thyroid but it really don't affect my mind.
    I beleive my be your husband had more stress levels at work and he was unable to manage.If you sense that kind of thing then it's better for him to look for a job which is suitable for him.
    I beleive for men the main stress is work.I really don't his thyroid has effect on him or during that he migth have bad days at work and with your pregnency ,he totally lost.Not all men are capable of taking care of critical conditions.My husband can take more work pressure but he can't handle family pressue and critical conditions at all.He has to have normal day.If there won't be a normal day in the house he can be very cranky.It's just a personality.
     
  2. vatsadave

    vatsadave New IL'ite

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    Dear Kavya,

    From what you are saying, most of your husband's behavioural problems were during the late stages of your pregnancy and in the months following that. But how has he been in the last little while since he signed that document?

    From your own admission, during that time in your pregnancy, your husband had hyperthyroid condition. Hyperthyroid can make people very agressive, affect their thinking, change their personality, etc. If these issues were mainly at that time, they could be attributed to his medical condition. Give him the benefit of doubt, and try to look past his actions at that time. Base your judgement on what he is like when he is well. He too, has a medical condition, and just because he is not in pain doesnt mean he is well.
     
  3. sangeeta2010

    sangeeta2010 New IL'ite

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    I don't have words for you. I can only lend my shoulder for you to cry your heart out. You have gone through worse.

    I have a small suggestion. I have heard that yoga, pranayama, meditation etc help in getting mind to peace. You may want to take up something like that to get your emotions under your control. This becomes more important when you have a child too.


    PS; Kavya, I posted the above immediately after reading your first post. I have not read your subsequent one where you said that even when is on meds or off meds he behaves that. Is that right?
    I see him as being very abusive, dominant personality. Have you ever given a thought of separating from him? I am sorry but I feel that way. You are independent lady atleast financially. So, what's keeping you in this marriage? You husband sounds as someone unavailable for you emotionally, morally and even physically as you mentioned him not being there when you needed help post delivery.
    From all the above I see him purely abusive person. So, what's the point in staying?

    I am very sorry if I hurt you when you are already so hurt but I had to tell what I frankly feel reading your posts.
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2010
  4. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    My husband also says that his thyroid condition is not affecting his behavior. Either he is in denial or that is the truth. I have no idea. My husband misbehaved when he had the condition and when he did not. The first set of abuse happened in 2006 post delivery. Then 07 he apologized, we had more stressful events. Again in 08 the same **** repeated on 3 incidents. During all three times I was going throuhg some physical issues. At that time I just lost it and told him to sign the document if he is really sorry.

    What I do not understand is why he did the same thing again when he was under meds. At that time his hyperthyroid was well under control. He had been under meds for a year. So probably is it just personality? Given the right situations would it repeat again. I am into yoga and meditation big time. It has given us lot of strength.

    Kavya.
     
  5. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    Kavya,

    I suffer from hypothyroidism and I started having mood swings. Sometimes I feel low and cry for no reason. All other time I will be very normal. That doesn't affect me much. I think when your DH feels low, he gets irritated and shouts at you and later feels sorry for what he did. Even if the cause is thyroidism, you cannot handle the abuse all your life. Why don't you take medical help for this?

    Don't worry, you can win over this battle and get back to your happy days. Don't lose heart. Take care.
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Kavya,

    Since both of you doing ok now,there is no use of digging the past.
    The days your husband doesn't practice yoga,ask you to practice the regular exercise.That helps with thyroid and also reduce the stress levels.
    Again when your kid get little older the stress level in the house reduce.
    Try to be physically fit and that is very important for a family.
    Don't stress yourself.One day if you can't cook then call it eating out day.
    Just remove that episode from your life and create positive environment in your home.For any couple there will be good and bad days.Find ways to deal with bad days without being much emotional.
     
  7. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    On the contrary my husband is a very soft and mellow person. He is very careful and cautious while driving. The type who would not even use swear words. This erratic behavior is what stunned me. After my delivery I just could not believe that he is behaving like this. He is the sort who would cry if he saw or read something very painful. I had my child 5 years after marriage. So I know my husband quite well when I had the baby. Well for sometime his medical condition was a reason then despite seeing me go through so much I don't know why he repeated the same thing again in 2008. At that time he had been on meds for over a year and his condition was well controlled.

    I have thought about separation and divorce. I wanted to try everything possible before we go down that direction. So I even tried going to my brother's place for just 2 months end of 08. I went to my father's house as well. I did not find peace their either. The insensitivity of my brother and dad made me more depressed. The other reasons I delayed separation and divorce is because:
    1) My husband has been very apologetic. My love still holds me to him.
    2) My husband does have a medical condition that causes behavioral issues.
    3) My son is very attached to him. On one side I am happy that my son has a loving dad but on the other hand I am afraid if he will get hurt just like me. When my mom came to the US the 2nd time my husband did not even feel bad that it was my son's first bday the next day and just left to his brothers house. So much ego.

    Some days I am good and some days I just feel so crushed. Asking a spouse some peace to recuperate when we are sick is something so basic. I have to negotiate even such simple things. I am not asking him to take care of me but just to let me rest for a while. This is my house too and I spent all my savings in this house. I was lucky to get back to work after a break but I find it hard to focus at work too. I am sliding down again. I have tried three counselors before and counseling was not very effective. I know I need a strong, positive anchor to pull me through. Probably getting involved in some serious social work for sometime will be good for me.

    Regards,
    kavya.
     
  8. sangeeta2010

    sangeeta2010 New IL'ite

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    Kavya,
    It is understandable with the medical condition but you should not be hanging in there just for your child.

    Please work on his medical issues and try to help him in anyway. If it is really due to his medical condition then you should spring into action. You cannot take a back seat like how you are doing now going into depressed mode now and then. You need to take things into control and row the boat now.
     
  9. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Oh no not at all. I am not hanging in there just for my child. He is seeking treatment for medical issues. We have tried counseling, marriage therapy and we are actively into yoga and meditation. I am not clinically depressed either. But just some days I get worn down. I feel sad that there really is nobody I can turn to for help. A woman gets pregnant only once or maybe twice in her lifetime. During that time even if he did not take care of me he did not have to subject me to so much abuse. I feel bad that my love and affection was only returned with wrath and abuse. Ofcourse self pity and victimization is a lose-lose game.

    Kavya.
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2010
  10. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Kavya,

    Forget about the car accident. I really don't know what mood your husband in that day. Yes we really don't know other persons mood on particular situations. He only should know.
    Do you think your MIL contributes anything for your husband behavior?
    I know my husband will be very good mood before the minute he calls his mother and I can imagine what will be minute after the call. By any chance do you think your MIL would contribute in your marriage life?
    Again wherever we go, we will never have 100% good days. There will be bad days too. From your posts I realize, you have more expectations on your marriage and your husband. I think once you reduce your expectations from your husband then you would lead happy days.
    Some how some things are very sensitive to you or you can't bare something’s in your life. Like your husband bad behavior on some days is not a tolerable for you. If I were you, may be those things might not have made big hole, may be I have more tolerance level.
    Only few people are lucky to get 100% perfect husbands but not all. You need to find things, which trigger your husband behavior and find fixing those issues or sometimes I just remove myself from that scene until things get settle.
    Again your brother played what he supposed to play. For small things brothers shouldn’t involve that will make situation worst. Some how I feel your father is not a sensitive person and not fathers are like that. I have a great father but he will not support if I have a fight with my husband and have to stay back in parents house. Some how he will tell me to compromise.
     

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