Feel worn out in lif

Hi,


I was feeling low today and I just wanted to share my feelings. I am just 32 but I feel totally worn out in life. I got married in 2001. First five years were blissful. Of the five I spend 2 years away from my husband pursuing my Masters. In 2006 I got pregnant. Both of us were so ready to welcome a child into our family. It was a life threatening high risk pregnancy. But fortunately there were no issues. My nightmare started in my postpartum phase. Well it started in the last stages of my pregnancy but I did not pay heed to it. Once when I was 8 months pregnant me and my husband were returning from work. Some idiot on the road overtook my husband rashly and my husband in a fit of rage wanted to smash the car at him. I got the steering wheel just in time. But

My usually loving and caring husband became emotionally very distant and worse he became very abusive. Crying in pain was a torture to him. If I gave the baby pumped breast milk so I could get a few extra hours of sleep then he certified me as s a bad mother. Just four days after my delivery I asked him to help me in the bathroom and told him I am more comfortable with him then my mom. He refused and told my mother to help me. I was just shattered. I warned him that I was slipping in postpartum depression. But he paid no heed. My mom warned him and he got very angry with her suggestion. Finally after pining enough for his love I did sink into deep postpartum depression. During this time my husband was also very emotional and once he almost had a nervous breakdown. At the end of three months we discovered his hyperthyroid was back in full force which was in a way responsible for his aberrant behavior. Thought I don't know to what extent it caused the issues.

My husband also realized folly and he asked my forgiveness. The right thing to do would have been to understand his issue and be forgiving. But I just could not let go. I could not get over his cruelty. I was too deep in depression. At work too I had to endure a bad boss. My MIL came to help me out with the baby. The first few months was fine and then we had a terrible argument. In a fit of rage she told her son "Divorce her and come I will marry you again". What followed next was a dog fight. So more misery followed. Since I fought with his mom, he had issues with my parents. My mom visited me again just a day before my son's first b'day. My husband left the home that night and my son's first bday was spent in tears and anger.

There was more abuse in 2008. The strange thing is my husband would do it only when I was sick. I started seriously contemplating separation. My husband would say sorry and do the same ****. Finally in 2009 I made him sign a document admitting to all his abuse and promising not to ill treat when I am sick in front of a notary public. 2009 was good and 2010 so far has been good. But all this has taken a toll on our relationship. I feel the basic essence of marriage is lost. The right thing is to forgive and forget. I feel totally worn out. During this time my family and his family were not supportive. I took a break and spend a month at my brother and father's house. There insensitivity was hard to digest. My dad told me my postpartum depression is my mental weakness and n number of women have kids every year. He chided me when I quit my job to take a break. Even after I told my brother how my husband tried to put me through a car crash, he told me point blank that he does not want to interfere in my life. My SIL was far more understanding and caring.

Now I feel I have lost faith in most relationships. Relationships are a bondage. The notion I had that family will support me during my tough times has been completely shattered. Strangers and my distant relatives took more interest in me and offered me solace. How strange life is. I feel a tinge of sadness when people go on to have a second child. I know having a child is a huge change but I wish I did not have to endure so much pain. I could have put up with indifference from my husband but the cruelty and abuse just crushed my spirit. Everybody tells me not to hold on to the past and move on. The right thing to do. But it is not so easy. I have had to negotiate very simple things in a marriage like being allowed to recuperate in peace with a legal document. Yes, I drafted it for my safety but what a poor way to negotiate things in marriage. I had a hard childhood and I thought good gave me a good husband to compensate for the security I missed as a child. But I was proved to be wrong. Now my husband is very apologetic and he has tried hard to win my love. But I have frozen somewhere. Ladies can you please lend me a shoulder today. I just feel worn out. I know people are going through tougher circumstances in life.

Regards,
Kavya.

 

Thanks for your support ladies. I have also tried very hard the past 3 years to forgive my husband and move on. But what hurt me the most is that he would say sorry and then repeat the same behavior i.e. picking up a fight with me just when I was very sick. That is abuse. PERIOD. I warned my husband that I am slipping into postpartum depression but he continued hi nonsense. I told him if you have the guts fight with me when I am strong and healthy. Finally I made him sign the legal document for my safety and protection. The past few years has been a strong catalyst for change in our life. We turned to spirituality for solace. It has helped quite a lot but still some pain does remain.

The lingering question in my mind is how much of his torture was because of his personality and how much of it was because of his medical issue. Well he abused me when he was and was not on meds. Secondly my husband could have put me through a reckless car crash when I was pregnant. I was having a high risk pregnancy and every doctors visit we were warned that if I get contractions, dilations or start bleeding then I would die in no time. What kind of person would listen to all this advice from doctors and do something so stupid. He was putting so many people's life at risk. The strange thing is that my husband is usually very calm and I don't understand how he can do something so crazy. It just beats me the odd out of me. At that time I did not take it seriously but now I wonder if I should take it very seriously. I also have this constant fear on whether my son has inherited this condition.

Despite trying yoga and meditation my husband's thyroid condition continues. It keeps swinging from hypo to hyper both of which are documented to have an effect on personality. Thought I do not see any effect as of yet I don't know if he is suppressing it. This uncertanity causes an unsettling feeling in me. One side I know I should be a supportive wife but on the other hand I feel I just can't take it anymore. I feel totally crushed sometimes and the lack of support from friends and family is so devastating.

Regards,
Kavya.