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Feel worn out in lif

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kavya007, Mar 23, 2010.

  1. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,


    I was feeling low today and I just wanted to share my feelings. I am just 32 but I feel totally worn out in life. I got married in 2001. First five years were blissful. Of the five I spend 2 years away from my husband pursuing my Masters. In 2006 I got pregnant. Both of us were so ready to welcome a child into our family. It was a life threatening high risk pregnancy. But fortunately there were no issues. My nightmare started in my postpartum phase. Well it started in the last stages of my pregnancy but I did not pay heed to it. Once when I was 8 months pregnant me and my husband were returning from work. Some idiot on the road overtook my husband rashly and my husband in a fit of rage wanted to smash the car at him. I got the steering wheel just in time. But

    My usually loving and caring husband became emotionally very distant and worse he became very abusive. Crying in pain was a torture to him. If I gave the baby pumped breast milk so I could get a few extra hours of sleep then he certified me as s a bad mother. Just four days after my delivery I asked him to help me in the bathroom and told him I am more comfortable with him then my mom. He refused and told my mother to help me. I was just shattered. I warned him that I was slipping in postpartum depression. But he paid no heed. My mom warned him and he got very angry with her suggestion. Finally after pining enough for his love I did sink into deep postpartum depression. During this time my husband was also very emotional and once he almost had a nervous breakdown. At the end of three months we discovered his hyperthyroid was back in full force which was in a way responsible for his aberrant behavior. Thought I don't know to what extent it caused the issues.

    My husband also realized folly and he asked my forgiveness. The right thing to do would have been to understand his issue and be forgiving. But I just could not let go. I could not get over his cruelty. I was too deep in depression. At work too I had to endure a bad boss. My MIL came to help me out with the baby. The first few months was fine and then we had a terrible argument. In a fit of rage she told her son "Divorce her and come I will marry you again". What followed next was a dog fight. So more misery followed. Since I fought with his mom, he had issues with my parents. My mom visited me again just a day before my son's first b'day. My husband left the home that night and my son's first bday was spent in tears and anger.

    There was more abuse in 2008. The strange thing is my husband would do it only when I was sick. I started seriously contemplating separation. My husband would say sorry and do the same ****. Finally in 2009 I made him sign a document admitting to all his abuse and promising not to ill treat when I am sick in front of a notary public. 2009 was good and 2010 so far has been good. But all this has taken a toll on our relationship. I feel the basic essence of marriage is lost. The right thing is to forgive and forget. I feel totally worn out. During this time my family and his family were not supportive. I took a break and spend a month at my brother and father's house. There insensitivity was hard to digest. My dad told me my postpartum depression is my mental weakness and n number of women have kids every year. He chided me when I quit my job to take a break. Even after I told my brother how my husband tried to put me through a car crash, he told me point blank that he does not want to interfere in my life. My SIL was far more understanding and caring.

    Now I feel I have lost faith in most relationships. Relationships are a bondage. The notion I had that family will support me during my tough times has been completely shattered. Strangers and my distant relatives took more interest in me and offered me solace. How strange life is. I feel a tinge of sadness when people go on to have a second child. I know having a child is a huge change but I wish I did not have to endure so much pain. I could have put up with indifference from my husband but the cruelty and abuse just crushed my spirit. Everybody tells me not to hold on to the past and move on. The right thing to do. But it is not so easy. I have had to negotiate very simple things in a marriage like being allowed to recuperate in peace with a legal document. Yes, I drafted it for my safety but what a poor way to negotiate things in marriage. I had a hard childhood and I thought good gave me a good husband to compensate for the security I missed as a child. But I was proved to be wrong. Now my husband is very apologetic and he has tried hard to win my love. But I have frozen somewhere. Ladies can you please lend me a shoulder today. I just feel worn out. I know people are going through tougher circumstances in life.

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2010
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  2. vennelaaaa

    vennelaaaa Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Kavya,
    I am so sorry about what you have undergone. Feeling bad that your loved ones were not supportive when you needed them.
    You are saying that your husband is now very apologetic and is trying to win your love back. That is a very good thing. Don't do the mistake of not forgiving him this time.
    I know its easy for me to just say this and difficult for you because you are the one who underwent through all this. But Kavya, its all in the mind. Keep telling yourselves that things are fine. Though its not easy to forget the past, consciously try to avoid thinking about the past. Take this as a bonus chance you are getting for all the sad things that happened to you in the past. Don't lose faith.
    Hope you get the happy family and all the happiness that you deserve..
    Love
    Vennela
     
  3. jhalli27

    jhalli27 Bronze IL'ite

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    hey kavya,

    i can understand what u wnet through.. it can be real painful and difficult to forget.
    like venela said - the best bet here is to forgive husband. i know its not that simple - but trust me, it will give you more joys and at the end of it, you will realize that was the best decision made...

    remember this - 'when bad things happen to good person, they become a BETTER person'...

    hugs and love to you.
     
  4. aruna_077

    aruna_077 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Kavya,

    First of all, my HUGS to you.

    There are many things you can do to boost your morale.

    Listing a few things:

    * Pursue your hobbies - music, dance, art, painting...anything that gives you peace.
    * Yoga and Meditation
    * Join gym or any class that interests you. Get out of home, meet new people, be socially active.

    Depression will last till you have a lot of time. Once you keep yourself busy, am sure you will find the lost magic from your married life.

    All the best!:thumbsup
     
  5. Jananikrithsan

    Jananikrithsan Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Kavya,
    Hugs and more hugs!!!
    You have gone throught a lot that has made you lose faith in relationships, people! Will it work out if you took a break and put your mind off all this for a while! Do things, activities that will divert you from the present state of mind!
    Remember that you have a kid to take care of and your satte of mind and the atmostphere at home means a lot to the kid!
    'When the going gets, tough, the tough get going!'
    Take care!
     
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Kaavya.. life's a game of mind.
    If you choose to get gloomy u set your stage for another depression phase.

    Each of us pass through a low phase and feel frozen however the zeal of life's getting back on track... You find it hard to forget what others did & get over with life.. I was like that too ... v highly emotional... and then a few events in my life hardened me for the better.

    Everyday I prayed to god to give me the courage to forget a few negative things that kept my mind occupied & dampening my spirits... you know what I did forget lot many things... even like removing price tags from my dresses :rotfl....
     
  7. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Kaavya,

    Hugs and love to you. Life is full of ups and down ansd you have to find your own path slowly.
    I worked on meditation through faith. I would go to a temple close by early in the morning at 7:00 Am every saturday and just sit there.It was so peaceful that slowly I started feeling the peace within.I forgave and forgot my miseries and started a new life.

    If your husband is apologetic and wants to make it work why don't you go to marriage counselling. Maybe that will help.

    Don't worry about parents and family they are not all same.You are a strong,wonderful mother.You make your own life.

    Go out more,join a mommy's group.

    Good Luck.
    FL
     
  8. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks for your support ladies. I have also tried very hard the past 3 years to forgive my husband and move on. But what hurt me the most is that he would say sorry and then repeat the same behavior i.e. picking up a fight with me just when I was very sick. That is abuse. PERIOD. I warned my husband that I am slipping into postpartum depression but he continued hi nonsense. I told him if you have the guts fight with me when I am strong and healthy. Finally I made him sign the legal document for my safety and protection. The past few years has been a strong catalyst for change in our life. We turned to spirituality for solace. It has helped quite a lot but still some pain does remain.

    The lingering question in my mind is how much of his torture was because of his personality and how much of it was because of his medical issue. Well he abused me when he was and was not on meds. Secondly my husband could have put me through a reckless car crash when I was pregnant. I was having a high risk pregnancy and every doctors visit we were warned that if I get contractions, dilations or start bleeding then I would die in no time. What kind of person would listen to all this advice from doctors and do something so stupid. He was putting so many people's life at risk. The strange thing is that my husband is usually very calm and I don't understand how he can do something so crazy. It just beats me the odd out of me. At that time I did not take it seriously but now I wonder if I should take it very seriously. I also have this constant fear on whether my son has inherited this condition.

    Despite trying yoga and meditation my husband's thyroid condition continues. It keeps swinging from hypo to hyper both of which are documented to have an effect on personality. Thought I do not see any effect as of yet I don't know if he is suppressing it. This uncertanity causes an unsettling feeling in me. One side I know I should be a supportive wife but on the other hand I feel I just can't take it anymore. I feel totally crushed sometimes and the lack of support from friends and family is so devastating.

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Kavya,

    For men Pregnancy and MIL combo is not a great combo.
    Some men can really act weird. Especially with pregnancy they loose all there attention and some men are very tensed when wife is pregnant.
    Once they saw the MIL first time they can act very weird. I believe that's what happened in your case. Since you are with new born and he was not able to get your attention, somehow he lost completely and he was not able to recover from it.
    I think each of us had our own version of issues and sometime we are unable to look though other person aspect, even my husband never good at taking care of me when I was in pain. He acts very well when things are rosy around him. But I need more hand from him he go just crazy and I am not sure why.
    Since he is trying to work with you then it's good for yourself and your family to let the things go and move on. You might hard lot of stories on TV where people went though brutality of there life’s. Our life’s still not the brutal compared some other people. So be happy with whatever we got and enjoy our life ahead. If you prolong ate the trauma more then it may hurt your marriage life. So please let it go.
     
  10. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Kavya,

    Don't worry, things will get better. When things hit all time low, the good thing is they can't sink any lower. Be positive and brave.

    About not being able to forget the past.. just think of it this way.. you throw trash (bad memories) in the trash bin (mind) in your kitchen (life)... If you keep emptying the trash bin (mind) regularly, your kitchen (life) won't stink, but if you keep piling up the trash (bad memories) without emptying the trash bin (mind), your kitchen (life) will stink. That is unhygienic and bad for your and your family's health. Empty the trash, clear your mind. Keep yourself and your family healthy and happy.

    I know, saying this is easy but very hard in reality, but you have to try dear. Try yoga and meditation and keep yourself busy with things you like to do and work on the rel'ship with your DH. You are strong, you can do it!
     

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