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Feel so used right now...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sonika1976, Mar 8, 2010.

  1. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    Friends,

    So all of you who are familiar with my situation already know by now that I have married the biggest monster to mankind. For those who dont know, I am very unhappily married. Almost that I am very close to snapping and leaving.

    Now the clash,

    My son was sick yesterday. Coughing non stop and miserable. I was applying medicine to a bruise under his eye and he decides he needs to cry loudly and resist. His crying made him throw up his food and the husband thinks its my fault to apply the medicine and starts screaming at me as to why did u apply the medicine, thats why he vomitted. He was adamant i accept and say "sorry sir i will try not to repeat this mistake" but I didnt do any mistake so refused to say sorry. Then he started telling me "now take your ugly face and fat bottom and sit elsewhere". I didnt want to increase it, so went downstairs. After my son went to bed, I asked him does he think he is so handsome to call me such names. I showed him his flaws. Told him, he is no celebrity. He is not 6ft macho man with head full of hair and ravishing looks. This is not the first time he called me fat amd ugly. He calls me this every single week and I gulp it. I am 5 ft and 120 lbs. people find me attractive.

    Fast forward to this morning, I didnt want to talk. I mean come on, everytime i say its ok to not increase it and he keeps killing my self esteem and making me feel ugly. Every sunday i cook large quantity for his tiffin. This sunday i thought, if i have to always be put down..just today i wont cook for him. I fed my son and noticed he has a temperature. Called the dr, fixed that. He tells me " i dont tell u anything and i enjoy the company of other women". Then i asked him if you are so disgusted at me, why do u sleep with me once in 3 months. He told me " I dont want to, thats why i shut my eyes". oh my god, i was in tears.

    I put the child to bed giving medicine and took him in another room and asked him why has he been using me. I mean in this marriage, there is nothing. No affection for me, no human attachment either. Once in 3 months he decides he needs sex and i have to submit. In that span if i feel i need any compassion or even a taste of marriage, i go online..see my friends happy photos with their husbands or sleep with an imaginary husband or just satisfy myself imagining I am in love with someone nice who asks me if i am ok, if i have eaten, how was my day and at night give me a kiss and go to bed.

    With this man there are no kisses, no hugs, not even a conversation. EVERY conversation ends in a fight. We end up bringing moms in to it and calling them names.

    Just now before going to bed, he tells me I havent cooked today. i was giving an exam and studying for my certification. What is my worth, just cooking, cleaning. Tomorrow if God forbid, I cant physically do all the work, will he throw me out on the street?

    I already had a complex of having a ugly tummy post pregnancy and stretch marks. He just made it better by saying he shuts his eye when i am naked.

    Is this negativity worth having around. I am sorry but I cant keep taking personal blows everytime quietly.
     
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sonika

    I was just about to logout and call it a day and saw your post.

    Its really disgusting to see and hear both of you calling ugly names and situations and threatening and hurting each other.

    I understand he is being mean and more than cruel and shameless, but tell me this thing, what is it that makes you happy if you answer his words with your hurtful words and his name calling with your name calling his mom???

    You both are dragging each others worst sides into your marriage. I understand when someone keeps putting us down , snubbing us we cant take it, we cant accept it, but at the same time, you know thats been his attitude all the while and you have been putting up with it for so long isnt it?? this guy i.e your husband has no control over his tongue...and such men cant be respected I totally agree but what about your own control???

    Sonika pls do get into a job quickly and put your son into a day care. You got to go out of this house atleast for few hours ina day to get peace of mind and to regainn that self confidence and self esteem. Then analyze and take a decision on your marriage.

    Also dont try to ask your husband for explanation or answers, he does sound like a man who just wants to say what he wants to say and doesnt care whether someone is hurt by his words.no point in having any conversation with him.

    Please please STOP those ugly usage of words and threatening each other with those shameful comments and words. Not worth! Save your time, energy and words for better things in life.

    After you get a job, I am hoping you would be able to see a total different YOU who would be able to handle him with more tact rather than pure emotions. Also STOP having any physical relationship with him YES totally no SEX and also ensure that you develop an invisible wall for him. This should help you in ignoring his words and himself totally.

    Moreover am sure your husband knows your weak points very well and he is playing that game of showing off your emotional weaknessess and using those points to hurt you as much as he can! So if you stand up strong everytime he knocks you down..am sure he is going to be really crazy and willwonder more n more..(I agree that would increase his meanness more n more) but if you want to do this answering thing, you are not supposed to ask him about those sensitive things like parents/bed room issues because again he would lash back and its like a blow to you..Rather listen to what are his comments and thoughts about you and every time he expects something give him the same words back ...like if he says why is your son crying, you dont know how to handle your kid why to put medicine etc..you should have said, with my fat ass and ugly face this is what I could think of..so would you be able to suggest a better option to bring your sons fever down??? (atleast this is what I would do...I wont suggest you answering him back to back right on....but when such situations arise where he questions you...use his own comments and statements to answer him. am sure he would just shut up.If not atleast you have that satisfaction of answering him with his own whip!!)

    You have to get a job and start working and then analyze more about your marriage. Concentrate on your self and your OWN self for sometime. Dont let anything influence your feelings or emotions.Sometimes I feel your problem is not just your husbands behaviour / the marriage...there is more to it..i.e your own self confidence...If you lack confidence every one would comment about you, when they want to hurt you..If you wont show hurtful feelings why would anyone talk about your weight or body...??? its all in your mind...so just get this weight thing out of your mind too pls. If weight was such a big issue...those full figure models wouldnt have existed. Work on your self confidence dearie!! you need it very much
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2010
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Sonika, beauty is in the eye of beholder.. and he's just lost it for you... same happened for me post delivery.. I was suffering with my blues to top it hear some more (they were not as nasty tho).. anyhow I dint let it reach my self-esteem and did everything to get back to shape... but yes certain damages are beyond repair & even the docs say thats the process of getting in beautiful lives to this earth.
    On his recurrance I once mentioned.. I've got a complete quote from plastic surgeon of over >6 L (non-reimbursable by insurance + side effects).. to get me back to a mint physical condition.. since then he felt my bod was great :bonk.

    I've observed that these insensitive comments come to me from him only when his mother is dead against me.. and every single thing we do end up in ugly conversations... cos he's preoccupied with a lot of negative things about me.. .and its normal for anyone to behave when you have too much rubbish filled against a person in you.

    Now no matter how angry am, I really dont mention anything related to parents.. either side, also try visiting temples whenever you get time.. these are few sadistic phases of life which need to pass thru with some meditation and positive energies around you.
     
  4. saipavani123

    saipavani123 Silver IL'ite

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    [JUSTIFY]
    :-( :-( felt very bad after reading this. Yeah as SriVidya said try for job. Concentrate on yourself. [​IMG] . Start ignoring him...by doing this at one point of time or the other he will feel ignored. Best treatment for him is ignoring him.
    He says this because he wants you to get hurt by his words. So that you come back to him and say sorry and ask him not to leave you kind of sorts. He just wants you to get hurt.

    And yeah don't comment on his looks even if he comments. There is no use other than you crying at the end. Stay calm. Just Ignore. I know its hard..but yeah just do it !!! We can have better revenge than commenting back.
    The best and sweetest revenge you can take is making him realise you are the most beautiful. In my view you are not doing it for him. You are doing it for yourself. Get rid of that fat tummy once you are ready for exercise. Try yoga..pranayam. They make your body glow stay in fit always. This is NOT AT ALL for him. Its for you dear. Its for you because you want to get rid of complex. Make your surroundings...home etc look beautiful... feel happy for you .... Take care of yourself. . Ignore him simultaneously and make yourself happy by doing anything you like. Keep your mind relaxed and happy always. This may take several months to accomplish . But yeah its worth the revenge !!! Again its not for his praises. Its for you and his praises are just the revenge. [​IMG]

    All the best !!!

    [/JUSTIFY]
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2010
  5. snooty

    snooty New IL'ite

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    I honestly think you should just ignore him and gt a job for yourself and when you have settled down comfortable leave him and go . he doesnt need a wife . he can make do with a cook and maid
     
  6. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    Find a job for yourself. Send your son to a day care. If the situation improves you are good, otherwise make a call. You need to live with dignity and self esteem.
     
  7. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Sonika, its very bad what is happening, your marriage no matter how much you try is on the road map to destruction, its matter of time unless something drastically changes in both of you, what I see is even if you try to improve 100%, be nice to him always, not abuse him in words, he might still not change, for that realisation is very important, many times couples are locked in this horrible battle and none can leave, that escalates the frustration 10 times more. Temprorary seperation is the only remedy I see, how much is that possible I dont know in your case, temprorary seperation works like Rehabilitation program for addicts. Everyone will see the self from within, his or her actions, his or her verbal abuse.

    When you applied medicine and your son throwed up while eating , its quite normal that your husband was upset, its quite normal, but his reaction was not normal. he could have said nicely, to you that you should have waited till he eats his food. These are minor differences in any marriage

    Verbal abuse is a big time problem, I will tell you something, when you said him if he feels so and so then why he sleeps with you every 3 months once, you are putting him in corner or actually hurting his big time ego, you know if you ask such close ended questions what answer he can give, that is why he gave that ugly answer, you could have drafted it differently that what do you interpret when he does get intimate in 3 months that if he so upset on you.99% you would not get that answer

    Verbal abuse is a conflict which no one can for sure know whose fault it is. Conflicting personalities will not able to see their faults and always blame on the other and feel pity for themselves. But the fact is both equally would have contributed to it but one of them would become more aggressive than other in the drama.

    however I see one problem in your husband based on what you wrote in OP, he is using very bad language like take ur ugly face and ass and all, that shows he has no love, no liking left or at least his frustration has reached beyond limits, if he is not saying sorry, if he never reinforces his love by saying"I love you" even once in few months, if those gestures are not forthcoming from either of you, then well, its a sad story, time for temp sepeartion to regain sanity

    Here is an article on personality conflict, its very small but worth reading for all those who are locked in personality battles.

    Conflicting relations between psychological ("personality") types
     
  8. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    you could have drafted it differently that what do you interpret when he does get intimate in 3 months that if he so upset on you.99% you would not get that answer

    Tridev, I'd say it is very difficult to draft questions differently when one is persistently emotionally assaulted. The victim is in the brim of agony and even a minor prick is enough to burst out.

    It is very human to react in a certain way and question is a certain way. If questions must be drafted differently first sanity must prevail and when sanity is not prevailing , you just cannot expect a smooth conversation.
     
  9. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Agreed, but dont you think the cycle would then never break, if one waits for other to bring sanity?
    No doubt it is easy said than done, and in heat of moment one does not think rationally, but one has to view ones error too, that was my point


     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2010
  10. Enchanted

    Enchanted New IL'ite

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    Sonika, first let me offer a hug to you girl. I can only imagine what it must be like being in such a hostile environment.

    That said, I can only imagine but not 'understand' your need/desire to STILL stay in something that cannot be called a marriage anymore. It really shocks me to see you actually trying to reason whether you 'deserve' the respect, love, affection and understanding from a spouse.

    To begin with I will not say that everything you did/said was right, but I do think your husband sounds like a disturbed soul and definitely needs some therapy. He verbally assaults you, emotionally shatters your self esteem, taunts you and criticises you. You must know you are being ABUSED. You are being emotionally tattered - slowly and surely. You yourself said that every time you have a conversation with hubby it ends in a fight. And to top it you call each other's moms' names?!! I mean, let's face it, if the two of you simply CANNOT see on the same page no matter what you talk about, I can't fathom what's STILL keeping you tied to him.

    Now don't tell me it's the kid who is the reason you are still together. You see there are times when both parents raising kid together makes sense and is markedly beneficial to the kid. BUT equally there are many cases when parents who name-call or are generally abusive make the child's life hell. If your hubby's reaction to a tame incident can be so mean and scathing, his outbursts in grave situations may just rock your home, and definitely this WILL be felt by the child.

    I think you seriously need to re-evaluate this 'marriage'. First get out of the 'poor me' mindset, keep feelings of self pity aside and think about your relationship. I am not suggesting that you file for seperation right away, but you could opt for a temporary period of staying away from your husband for awhile. You definitely need a job before you can decide one way or the other. Then do a careful round of analysis. Hope things work the way you want it to.
     

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