1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Feel Like I Am Failing At Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Shivika992, Feb 9, 2021.

  1. Shivika992

    Shivika992 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    12
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    Does anyone else feel not appreciated in their marriage? I feel like I try and do my best with a good heart for my husband, his family and friends but for my husband it is never enough. He always removes faults in me, not in the way I do things, but all faults in me are about my personality. He thinks I am just ungrateful for everything he and his family does for me.
    If I remove any fault in anyone or say anything not nice about them - friends or family, he thinks I have a big ego and I dislike everyone.
    He never says nice things about me or what I am doing right, just highlights all bad things about my personality.I think he just expects me to be sweet to everyone regardless of how they behave or what they say.

    He expects I treat everyone like my own and treat his parents the way he does, but If I'm not treated the same as the daughter then why does he expect me to treat them as my parents?

    I am a sweet person but I always have my guard up and draw the line, because I feel if I let it down, I will be dominated by in laws. (I have had some issues in the past) The more I guard myself and keep my mind on other things that are not him & family, the more he seems to get annoyed with me and thinks I don't care about them.

    Lately the idea of having kids has come up and he has already highlighted to me how my bad traits will be transferred to kids. Never said oh our kids will be smart or good looking or nothing like that.

    On the other hand, my in-laws are very opinionated about everything, and always have counter opinions to everything I suggest. MIL only agrees to DH ideas & I'm sure this will only increase after having kids. Having a husband who is unhappy with me and inlaws with whom I don't see eye to eye on many topics... I feel like I have no control over my personal or home life and work is my only outlet. I don't even even want to have children anymore.

    I just feel low feel like why did I move to a new city to be with this person if the only place I feel happy and content is at my work. I just spend all my time thinking about either my husband or my in-laws, and I am just tired of being in this marriage now.
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2021
    Loading...

  2. Shivika992

    Shivika992 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    12
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    Does anyone else feel not appreciated in their marriage? I feel like I try and do my best with a good heart for my husband, his family and friends but for my husband it is never enough. He always removes faults in me, not in the way I do things, but all faults in me are about my personality. He thinks I am just ungrateful for everything he and his family does for me.
    If I remove any fault in anyone or say anything not nice about them - friends or family, he thinks I have a big ego and I dislike everyone.
    He never says nice things about me or what I am doing right, just highlights all bad things about my personality.I think he just expects me to be sweet to everyone regardless of how they behave or what they say.

    He expects I treat everyone like my own and treat his parents the way he does, but If I'm not treated the same as the daughter then why does he expect me to treat them as my parents?

    I am a sweet person but I always have my guard up and draw the line, because I feel if I let it down, I will be dominated by in laws. (I have had some issues in the past) The more I guard myself and keep my mind on other things that are not him & family, the more he seems to get annoyed with me and thinks I don't care about them.

    Lately the idea of having kids has come up and he has already highlighted to me how my bad traits will be transferred to kids. Never said oh our kids will be smart or good looking or nothing like that.

    On the other hand, my in-laws are very opinionated about everything, and always have counter opinions to everything I suggest. MIL only agrees to DH ideas & I'm sure this will only increase after having kids. Having a husband who is unhappy with me and inlaws with whom I don't see eye to eye on many topics... I feel like I have no control over my personal or home life and work is my only outlet. I don't even even want to have children anymore.

    I just feel low feel like why did I move to a new city to be with this person if the only place I feel happy and content is at my work. I just spend all my time thinking about either my husband or my in-laws, and I am just tired of being in this marriage now.
     
  3. MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    323
    Likes Received:
    363
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    You have not mentioned how long you have been married.
    I was in your boat a decade back ,2 years into marriage. My husband also had same opinion on me as you.
    Highly judgemental and highly opinionated .
    You have to wait for their irreversible mistake to counter them. I have got one chance after 8 years of marriage.
    I say only 30% changed even after this.
    So better to start giving them minimum respect and start loving your life on your own. start meeting your friends and live life like visiting movies/restaurants with your close friends. You have to develop thick skin for your husband's comments.You will face this hostile env as long as in laws are staying with you. One option is to get your husband's job transferred to another city or country.
     
    SCA likes this.
  4. Shivika992

    Shivika992 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    12
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    If I have to love life on my own then what is the point of being married? I don't have to develop thick skin with my parents / friends then why should I with my husband? Thats my point, If I only feel like giving my minimum to husband and in-laws, is it really worth being in this relationship?
     
  5. Penelope

    Penelope Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    46
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Wow, this sounds absolutely suffocating. I had some problems with criticism from my spouse in the beginning. Still struggle with various things now but criticism is less. It took a lot on my part and a lot of years arguing to get my dh to tone it down. He thought he was "helping" by criticizing.
    I recently read a book that I wish I had earlier on and I think some of our worst times could have been avoided. There are so many good tips about what we can do as wives to improve our relationship with our spouse. I can see it's working after only a couple weeks...I'm not perfect I'm still figuring out how to apply the concepts in unique circumstances so still some silly argument here and there but I feel hopeful again and have had such a good response from him. If you are interested in reading it, it's called " First Kill all the Marriage Counselors" by Laura Doyle.
     
  6. MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    323
    Likes Received:
    363
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    See not all relationships are same and stay at same level all the time. It includes the same parents and siblings. Like you shout back at your parents but can you do the same at your friends or colleagues. You speak diplomatically isn't.


    In initial phase of marriage every girls feel the same. So to divert your mind, go out and spend some time outside.
    In my opinion just because you are married , need not be all our life revolve around husband and family.

    Also getting thick skin means maturing with age, learn to give priority to what is most required . and learn to answer back diplomatically.
    If you cannot learn this Divorce is the only option. Be prepared for that.
     
    Shivika992 likes this.
  7. KayKuyil

    KayKuyil Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    85
    Likes Received:
    135
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    OP - How long have you guys been married? Reason I ask is a lot of these criticisms/difference of opinions exists when it’s a new relationship and the couple is still getting to know each other. During such times, possibility of forming a strong opinion on the other person based on a simple and small tiff is high. This sort of feels like that.

    For some reason, your husband seems to strongly believe that you don’t like his side. Have there been issues around this from the beginning? And regarding not complimenting you on anything, you don’t have to wait for it to come from him. Ask him straight. Let him know that you feel under-appreciated. You mentioned why should you develop a thick skin with your husband when you haven’t done so with your friends/family. You are Correct! But this is where time spent and known each other comes in. Two people from two different families cannot always start thinking alike within a couple of years. Marriage is hard work for a reason.

    Keeping this aside, how is your relationship otherwise? Let him know that you think he only has negative things to say about you. Focus on that first. Dealing with friends and in laws are next.
     
  8. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    53
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Dont ever wait for others to appreciate ..especially never expect praise and admiration from your husband and inlaws.
    Infact if u feel unappreciated appreciate urself in front of him. No You cant b nice to people who are not nice to u. But u can b little diplomatic . Do whatever your heart says. Yes there is more contentment in work than relationships.
     
  9. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    666
    Likes Received:
    683
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Sit with your husband one day and calmly explain him you are not happy in this marriage at all. Whatever you have written here tell him in calm manner. If he says your future kids will have flaws then tell him I don’t want kids with you at all. Then see his expression. Make some ground rules to avoid conflicts or your resentment, which makes you happy or unhappy. Do professional marriage counseling and come to so common agreements.

    Since you don’t have kids so far you can take decision to get out of this marriage. Think thoroughly if you can live like this next 50 or more years?
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  10. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,027
    Likes Received:
    5,555
    Trophy Points:
    425
    Gender:
    Female
    +1
     

Share This Page