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Feel Dead living with an Unloving Spouse. Please advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by homemaker81, Oct 20, 2011.

  1. homemaker81

    homemaker81 New IL'ite

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    @Munia and SSC,

    Thanks for your posts. He tells something that happens (some movie is good) at office. The next question I would ask is who told him. If he tells a woman's name, I would fight asking him why he speaks such things to an office colleague. So nowadays, he stays silent. Working with women is not a problem. But his habit of helping others at office work and getting closer/discussing movie or good restaurants with them is irritating me. Also, going out with them for lunch also hurts me. I don't know how many of you all are working here. Is it ok for you to go out with your colleague (male) for lunch? Most of the time he won't be in his seat, his chat status would be idle. If i ask, he would say i was in a discussion. So , it shows he will be helping someone at work. He asks me to keep the car with me after dropping him at office and pick him back in the evening (so I can go out and meet people). I am scared whether he will go out with someone for lunch if he doesn't turn up home for lunch. I am afraid whether he will get more close with those women by going out with them. These thoughts kill me. To top it, he doesn't talk anything or say any loving word. Once he went to office on a saturday saying his manager is also coming to work. Actually, the previous day a lady called from office to clarify some doubts on a project. I prevented him from helping her over phone. So he lied to me and went to office to help her with the project. I found from his phone history that his manager had called him that day and didn't come to office. So after that, whatever he says sounds like a lie to me whether it is true or not. So I am feeling worse. Is it normal to feel this way? I have been conservative and I have gone out only for team lunches at work. But I have not gone with one colleague or two colleagues (male colleagues) out for lunch nor I had discussed about movie and stuff with them.
     
  2. homemaker81

    homemaker81 New IL'ite

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    But these days, even if he rarely tells such things about some restaurant (food is good, or ambience is changed) or some movie (movie is good), I keep quiet. I don't show my suspicion. But in my mind, I have a strange feeling whether he went to that restaurant with someone. These thoughts build up in my mind and out of the blue, once in 6 months, i pour it out during some other dispute. So again, he tells "everyone talks such things at office", this doesn't mean I go out them. He also adds, that it is nothing wrong to go out for lunch with office colleagues. His personality is just the opposite of mine. He won't mind me talking to men or looking at them or going out. But I never do such things. I don't know whether these problems will get resolved or life is going to remain the same and I have to accept him with resentment.
     
  3. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    Homemaker,
    This is exactly what I was talking about. You are letting it go for the time being, and bringing it in later on when you can no longer bear it!! This will ruin your relationship. For any relationship TRUST is the foundation. Arent you killing that here, in your relationship with your H?
    I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but this is not possessiveness, this is being OBSESSED!! Please take professional help!! Your H seems to be an open person. You really need to open up, else you'll end up losing a lot of things/people!! You have to let your H do whatever he wants, as long as he doesnt cross a line.

    Here is what I talk with my colleagues about, apart from work: Movies, music, restaurant, food, India, sports, gadgets, events in my area, things to do around this area - pretty much everything!! So what if you did not talk to your colleagues about such things? That should not stop him! Once I have gone out for lunch with 3 male colleagues, and no other female!! My BF does not even live in the same city. He does not even ask me who I went out with, until I tell him, that is the trust we share!!

    IMO, take professional help, before you ruin your marriage anymore, and get out of this. I really hope you do. Your H seems to be a nice person, do not lose him. You have hurt him a lot, and it might take years for him to forget it all. But trust him, and show him how much this marriage matters to you, and work on your problems!
     
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  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I second 100%.We all talk about movies and go out for lunches.Even the management itself arrange lunch or some outing for team building.May be you didn't hear,in India this is very common in most of the companies.

    If your husband wanted you be your way working then he will get laid-off one day.

    if my husband checks my status and keep monitoring,there is no way we can live in that setup.Actually your husband is very good,he was able to manage you.If someone in the same situation,I don't know what would have happened by now.
     
  5. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Homemaker..from ur posts..I think u are back to square one.
    How can you expect your husband to love you if u stifle his basic freedom?
    Most of offices have both women and men ..in fact I am the only woman in the team. I often go out for lunches/dinner with them and yes we talk about movies,politics,hobbies just like I would with a bunch of girls.My DH does the same @ his work. As long as ur DH is not flirting or having conversations with an explicit sexual undertone..how does it matter who he is talking to?
    You have to have faith. Love from him will follow. You cannot expect the latter without doing your part.
    Please do consider talking to a professional.I insisted last time too. You both need to talk to a marriage counsellor..there has been a lot of damage done. Good that you are trying to keep yourself occupied . Life with toddlers is hard. But try to make friends .
     
  6. homemaker81

    homemaker81 New IL'ite

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    Ok. I understand everyone of them here go out and talk such things to colleagues. I have been to his office get togethers and know all his female colleagues. All of them have a family and most of them with kids. So everyone knows me and my kids. No. He doesn't talk sexually or something offensive. They talk about movies, news and general stuff. I found it unusual when a woman told her husband that she wants to talk to my husband. She came and asked him about a movie. I was standing right behind him. It bothered me so much but I just remained quiet. Yes. I am not going to India just because I am worried whether he will get closer with his colleague. I am not holding the car because i am worried he won't come home for lunch. Maybe if he had been loving, buying gifts or caring to me, I wouldn't have felt this way. I will try my best to accept it is ok to go out with women colleagues for lunch and talk to them general things. I have not done such things at work. This is why I asked you girls so that I can understand this is not something wrong. Thanks. Your posts and advices help a lot. Maybe i am stuck within four walls and feel low and all the time thinking of my husband.
     
  7. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Homemaker..From ur posts..ur DH seems to be decent chap..just has been enduring things for a long time.
    Things will get better. Part of the problem is you are stuck inside as u yourself identified. Try to apply for small jobs say at ur child's preschool or day care. That way you are with the kids and at the same time you have a life of your own. It will build ur self esteem and also ur circle of friends.
    Take care
     
  8. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, that might solve 50% of the problem. Also, do not be dependent on your H for a social circle. Make friends with mommies who have kids. Build a good circle of friends on your own. Meet people over for coffee, and go out! Your H does not seem to restrict you from anything. So he gives you the space. Also, take one thing at a time. Right now concentrate on getting some part-time job so that your mind is occupied with something other than H and kids. Things will slowly start falling into place. Have faith in your marriage. Buying gifts is not the only way for him to show love. Taking care of you and the kids, not questioning about money, giving you space - all these things also show love. Looking at things with a positive perspective helps. Good luck, I'm sure things will get better for you!!
     
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  9. Naksh

    Naksh Platinum IL'ite

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    HM – I am sorry that you are having to go through this. But hey good thing is that, its all in our hands – we can do it. Together you both can set things right.

    We are team, lets first work on us then we will go to your husb and tell him what he has to do. We will show him what can be achieved, if so-so things are done and will make him understand. But that’s later, first lets get you ready and put you in a position where you don’t feel inferior.

    We can understand that you are going through hell. We know you dint choose to be possessive, but circumstances, things growing up or whatever might have turned your mind to be cautious. That’s all. Insecurity is the devil here HM. We can get over it, not to worry.

    Every body has his/her own way of expressing love HM. Your way would be by gifting, doing things for him n such. His’s may be different. You think your hub does not love you right HM?...lets first see what he already does ok and then come to a conclusion alright? .


    1) He is married to you for so n so years. He is not married to any of those ladies at work. You are something special to him. He sees You in the morning. He comes to You in the noon for lunch. He comes to You in the evening for tea. He eats what You cook. He wears what You wash. He goes to sleep with You beside. See how many You’s? You are there in his everything. You dint have to do anything for him to come to you. He is doing all this on his own. See how much involved you are in his life and realize your importance. You are very important to him. These are all very subtle and with kids n busy work, and busy mind (thinking about those ladies ;) you failed to realize it. happens I agree, but you have to now realize it. Know your value.

    2) Though he gets angry n feels suffocated, he knows and realizes how much you are hurting insides that led you to do what you are doing. So he wants to help you. He thinks you have no frends – so you do not know how frends will be and what they talk ….so he thinks it would lessen your worries if you came to know that it is normal to talk about movies, food, hotels, theaters amongst frends/colleagues. Which is why he offered to let you have the car while he is at office. Why?He cares for you. He wants you to enjoy life. May be you were restricted all your life growing up, he wants you to enjoy freedom.

    3) He is still with you no matter how things have been. You are still with him no matter how thigns were. meaning – he loves you and you love him.

    We can list more, but it has already become a big essay…I don’t want you to skip reading this seemingly boring post ;) so I will stop those now n get ot other things.

    Knowing your value, -you should take awesome care of yourself first. When you yourself do not care much about you, how can others hm? . If I were you – I would not do the online job (if its solely to keep your mind away). Cuz you already have loads of work caring for kids, cooking, cleaning that you have no time for yourself. So chuck that online job. Dress well. Keep yourself tidy. No, not for him to look at you. You do that for your sake. So you can feel good about yourself. And feel confident about yourself. Talk pleasant. Now we are done with you. lets go to him.

    Tell him – You know how much he likes you. Apologize for restricting him, but also tell him why and what made your mind so insecure. Tell him your fears. Also that you ar working and need his help in overcoming your fears. discuss them. Tell him – you understand that everybody expresses their love in a diff way , agreed. but if he asked you how youa re feeling, n how you re coping, n gift you little something on occasions – you would feel special and it would help you great in overcoming your insecurities. Tell him we both n eed to work together for a peaceful life. You shd not sound complaing or you should not make him feel he is at wrong by talking to them else he will become defensive. He would have stopped talking, but it would nto look so good to behave so in office.

    wow I wrote much. iwill take rest for some time now. see if you think its helpful follow else forget the post, but not your value ;)

    ps - it feels real bad when someone tells you - you go out with every body you talk or you might have gone out with everybody that you interact with - it feels like you consider them a pros ;) . Also i did not reread what i wrote ...i myself did not have enough patience to go through this essay of mine....so god help you ;)
     
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  10. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    Haha!!

    Naksh,
    You write very well!! I dont know how much HM is going to find it useful, but I definitely did! It was a morale-booster!!
     

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