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Fear of Heights- a 'little' too long a personal story in two parts!

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Srama, Oct 24, 2011.

  1. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    [JUSTIFY]Dear friends,

    I like to keep my snippets smaller but there is no way I can write a short snippet on this one. What? Did I hear, I should blog may be? Just this once, friends - hopefully you will have the patience to read and bear with me, I am splitting it up into two parts :) I thank for the opportunity to be able to share this!

    I love climbing up a mountain - I enjoy the challenge, the rigor and finally the view from the top! But you know what my problem is, the climb down - i feel petrified, I do have fear of heights! And it also makes me wonder if this is how people (some, anyways) who are super achievers feel. They enjoy the thrill of the climb but are petrified about their fall - because they have poured in their sweat and blood in to that climb! It is not easy to stay on top, but it is not easy to climb down as well or is it? even though we know what goes up has to come down!​

    My DH is good at giving gifts - he has always presented with something I have mentioned in some context! But, for Mother's day this year (way back in May) I received a gift certificate from him which actually had my eyebrows go up for, one, why for mother's day ? My DH clearly believes that is another Hallmark day and I have never ever received for this day. Two, why THIS gift certificate? What is this trying to to tell me?

    As I look at it, for effect he clarifies that I have three months time to use it. I evaluate the situation and clearly decide I will do this after my trip from India which only changes to, after my birthday - my feeling then was celebrating my Birthday will at least make me feel a year older!! Soon time catches up and I am forced to talk with the company from which the certificate was bought and manage to reschedule, again!! This happens again and again, the rescheduling - oh no one picked the call, the days are not working on either sides to may be they are a little unprofessional! ​

    My DH is not of course very happy and my kids feel the tense vibes in the house when the topic comes up! Finally he decides to take me to the place and schedule my time in person- I very gingerly there in front of their staff tell him that I prefer another one over the certificate he has bought! I have never done this and absolutely loved whatever he has bought me in all these years! Even though it costs him a 100 more, he was fine as long I have a scheduled time and so we are set for a particular date and a time!

    Mean while, I also talk about this whole thing with a friend of mine, who has spoken about it to her DH and some family. I am finally told in a party that what my husband had bought the first time would have been better than what I have changed to - because in the first one, I have a better control and many other valid reasons! These people and the conversation was supposed to make me feel better - one would think! No, my stomach was knotted up even more and then my DS drops the bomb shell that I have a 0.3% chance of being injured (from the math he has conjured up) to which my DD responds, "mom I want you to have fun, but make sure you won't get your head hurt because I love you". I had not realized how much all this was playing out in their minds for the last 5 months!

    The D day comes, I choose to go there alone - I wake up early while the whole family is sleeping, look up the directions and yet I want some kind of assurance from my DH, so wake him up and tell him that map quest asks me to take a particular exit! He groggily nods, 'yes they are right' and goes back to sleep!

    As I set out, it is a beautiful beautiful fall morning - for some reason (even though I think I know, I will leave it to the pros to explain better) the sky is spectacular in fall and winter and I am wowed by that sun rise and manage to get excited with some hope for the event I was driving down for! On my way, I notice the entrance to a 'flea market' I have always seen from the highway and wondered about for the last ten years, followed by a correctional facility even, with a 'oh! this is where this is'! For people who live in these parts of the world, the word boonies has a special meaning - miles and miles of fields with a house here and there and narrow roads! As I go through what feels like boonies (though I am in the middle of a fairly big city), I notice that my car is showing almost zero on gas. At a different place, different time I would have reacted differently - worried about what happens if the car comes to a stop. But considering the mission I was on, this looked like "what the heck, at the most I need to call for help and get some gas" and so just ignored it and focused on reaching the destination! Perspective - how it can change!​

    I was early as requested, but the place was closed and as I was waiting, had a wonderful opportunity to see two hot air balloons getting blown up and when the balloon was just about full, and lifted off the ground, revealing a just rising sun behind it, I had tears in my eyes! This had to be the most beautiful sight I had seen so far! The balloons take off in to a chilly morning (38 F) with people and children that were excited to be on it and for a good reason! I wave to them and continue with my wait!​

    To keep myself busy and to keep my mind still, I walk into the next building and chat up with a person there only to realize that it was not helping me. So I walk out to the beautiful morning, taking in all the views that were there for the eyes to see. While growing up, I was introduced to Richard Bach and it was not just Jonathan Livingston Seagull that fascinated me, but all the descriptions he ever made of all those little airports as he flew across the country - took off, landed and all those lovely corn fields, in his other books. I had vivid imaginations in my mind and was reminded of him and the books as I saw many small planes land and take off. As I was getting used to that sight, I heard a whirring noise of a helicopter lifting off and another one landing precisely onto that crate which moves the copters in and out. It is fascinating to watch these helicopters, most small plane pilots call them death traps, because of the way they come down - just vertically!​

    Now you have it figured out, haven't you? Yes, I am in one of those teeny tiny county airports - only private and sight seeing planes fly from there!​

    contd........yes, please do me a favor and take that coffee break you so deserve and if you cannot hold off reading, still.... bring that coffee and continue with the rest :coffee​

    [/JUSTIFY]
     
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  2. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    [JUSTIFY] Finally the place I am waiting for opens. The fact that there are literally no other people adds on to my tension and does not help calm my nerves at all. At the reception, I am asked to fill out a 'waiver of risk' form. Oh boy! this form is designed to simply cover them and only them and I am not covered for any thing and in fact I sign in saying that I am responsible for any damages to their goods while I am using them - even if it is for my life saving situation! As a formality, they do give the statistics of the number of injuries and what can go wrong including death etc etc. I cannot help but remember what my DS had mentioned and chuckle - but sign the form anyways basically feeling and thinking - 'do I have a choice? what am I doing? I have a young family back home. How did I let my DH talk me into this, assuming I did let him talk to me - if I remember, I did not offer even a whimper in protest, so I guess in a way I have wanted to do this'.

    Anyways, there it is all signed in, I hand it over to the lady at the front desk and begin to chit chat with her and she asks me not to worry that she has done it 200 times exactly. At this point, her little son chips in to say why don't you tell her how many times uncle Joe has done to which she brightly turns around and says oh my brother has done it some 12,000 times! I gasp but still thinking how does that help me, I walk out.

    There I see a couple of other people have made their way in slowly and are cleaning up and getting ready. I watch them with fascination and soon I am told my theory instructor is there and will brief me. She takes me up and explains using terms I do not understand but manages to get across to me that I need to let go when my instructor taps three times on my shoulder and should know exactly when I need to fold my knees up. When she asks me if I get everything, I nod and also ask as to how am I supposed to remember all that! She smiles, walks me out and introduces me to the practical instructor who evaluates me, asks me if I need to use the rest room to which I nod yes and run off. I was in a way glad it was a she and she looked more professional and the guy instructors to me looked more like "whatever" which to me read as "do they know what they are doing?". Even though I am 1000% sure they are there as instructors because they are qualified and they DO know what they are doing. But sometimes the way one appears or one perceives matters you know!

    After my return, I am introduced to a photographer and my instructor now makes me feel a little less agitated as she chats up and suits me up as well, at the same time. She gives me what cues to look for - pushes my shoulders down and asks me to relax. She assures me that it is going to be fun - I nod and though very uncertain about the fun part, I do say that I am ready!

    So all the three of us walk up to the small plane - I have been anxious and as soon as I get in, I realize that this plane is not the regular plane, yes not even those small four seater cessnas - there is a pilot seat and no other seats! All the three of us, me, the instructor and the photographer squat on the floor and to my horror I realize that the plane does not have a door!! Filled with fear but knowing I am helpless I do realize that the hollow space for what could have been a door gives me a beautiful view below and I spot another airport, the beautiful fall colors and point out to my instructor, at the same time looking at my altimeter realizing the 3000, 5000 ft climb!! My instructor has me close and assures me that at the right height she will harness to me tightly, then I need to put on my goggles and asks me to remember to say hi to the photographer when she cues me, which does come when we reach a height of 9000 ft.

    I thought I was prepared enough, but apparently I was not! As I watched the photographer hanging on to the outside on one corner of the door less plane, instead of that big smile I was supposed to have, I can swear I had a face filled with terror as I realized that he was about to jump down! Just as I am coming to terms with that fact, my instructor has me turned out and in no time my legs are dangling off that plane into the sky and she is gently pushing me forward - I am aware because i hear her say ready, set, arch.....and boom we are free falling into the sky! I do not know if my head is down or my legs are down or if I am somersaulting down - the instructions were clear, to arch before the fall, so that we go belly down, but did I arch? Did I go belly down?

    As we continue to fall, I realize I am reeling in fear and I need to let go and at that moment I close my mouth, take a deep breath and at the same time spot the photographer right below me! Just at that instant I hear a snap and feel myself swing a little side ways - I was right side up after all! and lo the parachute had opened exactly after 35secs of free fall as was told! At that same moment, I feel the three taps on my shoulders and I let go of my harness and open my arms as was instructed to 90 degrees and then it was all fantastic - it was so smooth, so beautiful I cannot even begin to describe the feeling of peace, feeling of a bird as we glided through!

    Did you notice how many things happened at that one precise moment? The weightlessness, the fear yet the assurance that I was strapped on and was actually not falling off .....amazing! What happened to that 120mph free fall? As I begin to relax, the instructor asks me how I feel - I am surprised to hear her voice - for I had almost forgotten she was there! I tell her I feel fantastic! What a lovely feeling to be able to float like that! My instructor points out the various sights - the photographer just below us, the airport we took off from and lo the plane that we came down from - there it is! The red and white plane gliding below us like it did not know we existed or that we had jumped off of her just a few minutes ago. What a sight!

    Soon, the instructor is telling me that it is time to land and she is going to loosen a couple of straps to allow me to be able to fold my knees up and says casually that we are at 1000 ft and should be on the ground in less than a minute. As I fold up, I do touch the ground unfortunately with my legs and not my bottom as expected, but fortunately the landing was not as hard as I had folded up quite a bit and we were safe on Terra firma - and then I began to understand what that poster meant which read "the sky is not the limit, the ground is'!! - that my friends was my first sky diving!

    Coming back to that mountain and the fear of heights, now I do understand that while the fear is legitimate, the bigger truth is our hard work going up is strong enough to protect us to come down safely. We need to trust and let go! However, I will know that only when I go on another hike. Isn't it?

    As for sky diving, will I do it again? Absolutely - one simple reason, now that I know what to expect, I can be better prepared to savor what the jump has to offer. As I type this, looking at the gray cloudy skies and wondering about the beautiful sunny morning I just had, I cannot help but wonder if this was a dream or for real as I continue to hear my kids watch 'max and ruby' on TV and everything looks so routine in my little world![/JUSTIFY]
     
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  3. vidchakra

    vidchakra Platinum IL'ite

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    Srama... Wonderful!:bowdown
    I read both the parts without a break... Your narration was very interesting...

    I could imagine your excitement and fear... Hats off to you for having done it... Really great!

    Its one of the item in my to do loist, but dont know if I will ever be able to do it..
    Thanks for sharing this post!
     
  4. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    My Dear Srama
    I have always told you that you have a touch of Richard Bach in you. Take this story of your skydive. It is replete with philosophy. I should say you have done a beautiful job of it. As I went through the two parts, it was more like riding directly into your mind. It was like jostling with the neurons as they reacted to the various stages of your maiden encounter with the weightlessness of skydive.

    Thanks to the title of your story, I could unravel the mystery of the gift voucher that your DH gave you. I knew it was going to give you wings and let you fly to your heart’s content. I knew you were about to do a Jonathan, philosophizing on the triviality of the complexities of life as you flew through the wonderful clouds up there. But what I did not bargain for was the new perception that soaring up into the sky was child’s play when compared to the dive back to the terra firma, the harsh realities of life. One would almost long for that state of suspended animation there which lets you glide through the colourful highs of life while the fall back to the reality of terra firma is not a hurting one but more like the gentle landing of a kite. How true it is that the sky is not the limit but the ground is! I have never heard anything more profound than this. It is such a great irony that no matter how high we go, we still want to retain our moorings to the ground. This is what that causes the fear of heights. It is mainly physical.

    The mind, particularly a creative one, is very restless at ground level. Like a hot air balloon it is ever ready to soar into the sky and drift gleefully over unknown territories. I have heard it said that a mind stretched by a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions. It is not the mind that controls the body as we all believe. It is the other way round. With our conservative ideas and a lack of appetite for adventure, we keep our minds moored to the ground and never allow it to soar. Stories such as you have narrated now will certainly reverse this trend. You have summed it up beautifully thus: ‘As for sky diving, will I do it again? Absolutely - one simple reason, now that I know what to expect, I can be better prepared to savor what the jump has to offer.’ That is the hallmark of a liberated mind. If you had said ‘I shudder to think of Sky diving again’, you would have disappointed me.

    You have no fear of heights Srama. You have only fear of the climb down. But why this fear when you don’t have to climb down? Is not Jonathan your role model?
    Sri
     
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  5. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Thank you Vidya for your feedback and for reading both the parts with out a break - I was afraid I would bore you with my personal details! If it is in your bucket list, you should simply do it. Trust me, you will feel better :)
     
  6. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Sabitha,

    [​IMG]

    Great jobs! Firstly for the actual skydiving and then for the wonderful description of the build up to the event and of the entire sequence of events.

    I can only try to imagine how the fall colours must have looked from that height, how that floating feeling must have been ...... You have been very fortunate to have had such an unusual experience. Like Vid said, I too wish I could do this, but doubt very much if I will ever get that opportunity.

    Wish you many more such flights Sabitha. :)
     
  7. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Cheeniya sir, you know me and know me quite well! I did not know if I had a little of Jonathan in me, but now that you mention it, I seem to live life like that - I like it like that and yes, I do want to keep getting only better!

    Thank you for such a wonderful feedback! You have spoken exactly what I was feeling and trust me Cheeniya sir,
    that was something I just understood my self and you have explained it so eloquently! I believe a take off is always easier than landing for the pilots too! Who knew reaching new heights was more easier than the fear of coming down to the ground.
    How true Cheeniya sir! I remember Leonardo telling something similar with respect to flying.
    Thank you for those very reassuring words! I need those blessings! and I will always remember these words and Jonathan as I weave through life!

    Even though I am at a loss for the right words, I do want thank you Cheeniya sir for your wonderful feedback!
     
  8. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Thank you Satchi for such a sweet feedback. Yes, indeed I think I am fortunate to have had this experience! It was a fantastic experience, still feels quite surreal but I got a chance to live in a different dimension, even if only for a few minutes! I am just learning that not letting go of opportunities but letting go of emotions is important!

    Thank you Satchi for your feedback!
     
  9. marulamuniya

    marulamuniya Gold IL'ite

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    Yes, I did read both the posts without a break and as Cheeniya sir has mentioned it, you do have that effect in your words to take us into illusions. It's clear that you had a wonderful experience which has left you with a feeling that you would like to go for it again. Great going! Trust and let go!! very nice words. Though we know that we are in safe hands, the fear of falling is unbearable.
     
  10. Srama

    Srama Finest Post Winner

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    Thank you marulamuniya for your very nice words and feedback. Illusions is again a favorite book of mine and I have not tired reading either that or Johnathan even once in the last probably 20-25 yrs - I always go back to them and they give me a sense of direction and purpose! That fear of falling indeed is unberable!
     

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